Текст книги "My Soul to Keep"

Автор книги: Kennedy Ryan

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 23 страниц)

Desire fogs any rational thought, but I’m not ready to let this go. Not until I can make him see my point of view. If he doesn’t understand, we’ll never make it anyway.

“Rhyson, how did you feel when your parents controlled you?”

“What the hell do my parents have to do with this?” He barely opens his lips to let the words out.

I shake my head sadly. “You don’t even see the parallel, do you?”

“There isn’t one.” Rhyson’s eyes harden. “How can you compare me doing that for you to what my parents did to me?”

“It’s not what you did, it’s that you took away my chance to do it for myself. That you took away my choices. It’s as much a control move as what they did to you.”

“That’s not true.” Rhyson’s eyes go from hard to soft in a few blinks. “I don’t want to control you. I want to be with you. I want things to be easier for you so you can focus on your career.”

“My career. My life. My responsibilities. So maybe you’re right.” I place a hand on his chest, looking up to study his face. “I don’t want to need you.”

“Well, I need you.” He pulls both my hands into one of his over his heart. “I think about you as soon as I wake up and before I go to sleep. I want to call you whether I find out I’m performing in Times Square or if I beat Marlon at Madden. Little things, big things. It doesn’t matter.”

His voice falls so far, I’m leaning into him to catch his next words.

“I want to share everything with you. I want to kiss you all the time. I want to kiss you right now.”

I shouldn’t have come. All the things I felt and fought, the things I suspected he felt too, he just spewed all over me. And as much as I want to be, I’m not sure I’m ready. I’ll never forget seeing my Mama in bed for days after Daddy left. And even though she got up, I suspect a part of her never left that bed, but just stayed there, waiting. We had to leave the house where she grew up and where I spent my first years, because Daddy left us with nowhere to go. Mama learned to stand on her two feet, and I’ve done the same. I just didn’t count on Rhyson sweeping me off of them.

“We’re obviously on different pages about this.” I pull my hands free and turn to leave, but he steps in front of me, blocking my grand exit. “Let’s talk later.”

“Enough talking.”

The heat of his body grabs me before his hands do. He traps my chin between two fingers, taking my mouth in a paradox of rough and tender. I want to move. To slide away from his body pressing me into the pool table. But I can’t. Not with his hand caressing my back. Not with his tongue in my mouth. Not with his erection pressing into my stomach. I can’t. I won’t. I have been denying myself this, and I’m so damn hungry. My mouth opens under his, ravenous and wet and hot. His groan vibrates against my lips.

“Yes. Good God, yes, Pep.” His words slip down my throat.

I strain up on tiptoes, clawing my fingers into his dark hair, forcing him closer. He lifts me onto the pool table, planting himself between my knees. His fingers skim my bare thigh, working up my leg until he reaches a damp patch of silk. He pushes my panties aside, rubbing his hand into the wet flesh there before sliding one long finger and then another inside of me. I rock into these fingers which have awed millions with their skill. They own me. I’m the instrument in his hands. He’s playing me. Plucking at me. Strumming me.

He tugs at the wide neck of my sweater until it falls away from my shoulder, slipping his hand in and cupping my naked breast. He brushes his fingers over my nipple, and I lose my mind and every inhibition. My head flops back and I stretch my legs wider, offering him anything he wants.

“Are you kidding me?” His question burns the vulnerable curve of my neck as he drags his lips to my shoulder. “You come here wearing no bra and think I won’t . . .”

He abandons the words, his dark, untidy head disappearing under my sweater, and before I have time to regain even millimeters of sanity, my nipple is in his mouth and he’s suckling me. Not gentle. Not soft. My breasts are so small, he almost eats me whole. Every draw, every suck, every bite sends a power surge to my core until my knees hold his hips in a desperate grip, and my nails rake across the flat surface of the pool table behind me.

His mouth at my breast. His fingers inside me. His clean scent surrounding me. I have nowhere to hide anymore. I am exposed. I want to spread myself wide open for him. That voice that has been telling me I can’t rely on him. I can’t trust him. I can’t need him—that voice is stunned into silence by his thorough possession of my body, by the inferno between my legs, blazing a hole right through my soul and scorching my heart.

His hands push at the sweater from inside, urging my arms above me until it is over my head and discarded on the floor. The cool air embarrasses me, reminds me how little I have to offer up top. I scoot forward, covering my breasts and ready to bolt before he’s disappointed, but he presses one wide palm to my chest, pushing my hands aside.

“Let me look at you.” His eyes are so hot on my neck, shoulders, nipples, that heat simmers under my skin. “Damn, you’re beautiful, Pep.”

“I’m tiny.” I drop my eyes to my knees. “Are you a breast man?”

“I’m your man.” His finger traces one pert nipple until it tightens and strains forward. He tips up my chin, holding my eyes with his. “At least I want to be.”

He pushes me back until I’m laid out on the pool table, knees apart, arms flung over my head, bare nipples pointed up and in the air. He flips the skirt up over my stomach and tugs at my panties until they slip past my ankles. Before I have time to think of a way out, his fingers spread me. He tucks into the juncture at my thighs and kisses away the last of my resolve. I’m not going anywhere.

He is relentless. He bites my clit. Oh, God. No one has bitten me like that before. He licks and mouths and slides his tongue inside of me. Everything flammable below my waist incinerates, and the world goes dark before light bursts behind my eyelids. My toes clench, the muscles in my legs tighten, and I release a scream that punches a hole into the silence around us.

His breath comes heavy. His hands move quickly, urgently, sliding on a condom. He braces his hand on the table over my head. He’s going to—

“Ahhhhhhhh.” That’s me. Losing my breath as he slides inside. He pushes in slowly, savoring every inch of me he possesses along the way. He’s so thick. I’m so full. It’s too much, almost more than I can take, but my body is greedy for him.

“Okay?” He looks down at me, his forehead clumped into a frown. He’s holding back. “Pep, are you okay?”

I’m not okay. I’ve lost so much of myself to him already, and I don’t know how I will fix this. I only know I need him moving inside me. Taking me. I push my hips into him, and he groans, his eyes scrunching closed.

“Pep, you’re so tight.” He leans up, eyes pinning me to the table. “This feels . . . ahhhhh. Fuck.”

His strong thrusts scoot me up the table. I hook my ankles around his waist to lock us together and I receive him. I keep my eyes open as long as I can, watching his full bottom lip clamped between his teeth. Watching his face fight the pleasure engulfing both of us. I watch until his mouth drops open and his head falls back and his neck strains against the avalanche of sensation. I can’t watch anymore because I’m coming again myself. Toppling over this precipice into the inescapable pleasure I’ve denied myself for weeks. For months. For what feels like forever.

He leans down, dusting kisses over my bare shoulders and up my neck until he whispers in my ear.

“I didn’t want our first time to be like this, Pep. On a pool table.” His smile warm and tender, he pushes the heavy hair back from my face, following the line of my eyebrows with his index finger. “But I don’t regret it. Do you regret it?”

It’s not regret I feel, but I can’t answer aloud, I’m so shaken. I just shake my head against his shoulder. The air between us practically throbs. Our bodies still joined, sharing a heartbeat, it feels absolutely perfect. But my life, sailing right along the course I’ve set, just capitulated. The man I didn’t want to need feels like the breath in my lungs. Feels like the blood pumping through my heart. Feels like the pulse pounding in my ears. Feels like everything I need to survive. I can’t even find myself in the rubble, in the aftermath of that erotic catastrophe.

He stands between my legs, the skirt still pushed up to the top of my thighs, his warm hands roaming up and down my bare back.

“What’s going on in that beautiful brain, Pep?” he asks softly, his breath in my hair. “I know you felt that too, so why are you holding back?”

I could make up excuses. I could throw up smoke screens to protect myself from him, but what just happened between us makes excuses and defenses redundant. I know that, so I’m as honest with him as I’ve ever been.

“Rhys, I’m scared.”

He dips his head, examining my face with a small frown.

“Of me?”

“Of losing myself in you, yes. Of not having anything of my own.” I shake my head and keep my eyes at the point where my breasts press into him. “Of depending on you.”

The doorbell ringing splinters the intimacy holding us close. The fragile peace between our bodies, the détente of our kisses, and the intimate truce dissolve as reality invades. I pull away, hopping off the table and slipping my panties and sweater back on, just now recognizing the burn on my shoulders from the pool table. Rhyson zips up, eyes never leaving me.

“That’s Marlon.” Rhyson runs a hand over my mussed hair and rests his hand at my neck. “I can send him away so we can talk.”

“No, no.” Even though our clothes are back on and Marlon is only moments away, his hands on me comfort and incite, so I step back, struggling to think clearly with him so close. “Do you mind if I don’t sit in on the session after all?”

He glances at me from under that fall of dark hair, brows knit into a frown, and blows out a heavy breath.

“Pep, I fly out for Chicago in the morning. If we don’t talk tonight—”

“I could actually use the time.” I twist my fingers together at my waist. “A few days to sort this out. A little space.”

“I’ve given you as much space as I can.” He searches my face, eyes concerned. “This wasn’t some quick fuck, Pep. This meant something to me.”

I don’t think I can measure what it meant to me. I’m afraid to assess just how much of me he absorbed when our bodies joined. Even standing apart, I still feel connected to him, but I have to start breathing again on my own. He feels like life support right now, and I will pull this plug. I cannot rely on him. I’ve seen where that gets you.

“Can we just talk when you get back from Chicago?”

When we were locked together on that table, neither of us held back—not our thoughts, our bodies, our responses. There was no hiding, but at my words, Rhyson’s expression shutters. I’m hurting him, but I don’t know how to stop, not and still preserve myself.

“If that’s what you want, Pep, then yeah.” He looks toward the door as Marlon’s footsteps on the stairs reach us. “We can talk later.”

I’ve bought myself a little time, but I’m not sure for what. After what we just shared, my body and my heart, my soul won’t be able to stay away. I’m not only resisting him. I’m resisting myself. I’m resisting the inevitable. I have no idea how to stop what’s happening between us, and despite the memories that haunt me, I keep forgetting why I should.

EXHAUSTION FROM DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE is so different from doing something you can’t stand. When I drag myself into bed after a long shift at The Note, I have nothing but tips to show for it. There’s always been some satisfaction knowing I’ll make a tiny dent in Mama’s colossal medical debt. Since Rhyson paid off the bills, I don’t even have that anymore. But this exhaustion that stems from the preliminary rehearsals for the music video Dub booked, is kind of nice. I’ll take it any day over feet aching from slinging hash and serving customers.

It’s not just my body that aches. Not just my feet, my core, my arms that throb from doing today’s routine over and over. I ache with regret over how I handled things with Rhyson. I should have been more grateful. I shouldn’t have pushed him away. Chief among my regrets: I shouldn’t have had sex with him on a pool table.

I guess he has regrets too, since he hasn’t called, honoring my request for space. I got used to him always moving in my direction. I thought this would blow over. Maybe we’d exchange a few texts volleying movie quotes. We’d figure out a way to get past knowing one another in the Biblical sense and get back to pretending to be platonic.

But no dice. No calls. No texts.

I enter our apartment completely spent. Aching. Limp with fatigue, but still satisfied. San’s studying his phone, leaning against the counter that separates our kitchenette from the small patch of leisure passing as our living room.

“How’d rehearsals go?”

“Great.” I drop my bag to the floor and fall back on the couch. “The actual shoot is the day after tomorrow, so I have some time to polish. We just learned some basics today. Dub is a tyrant, but I caught on pretty fast because he’s a great teacher.”

“I’m sure you’re teacher’s pet.” San crosses into the living room and props himself on the arm of the couch. “He ask you out again?”

I roll my eyes and drop my head back against the cushion.

“Yeah, but I still said no. I’m gonna shower before I need to leave for my shift.”

“Ah, the glamorous life.” San chuckles and pulls his phone back out when it dings with an alert.

“Speaking of glamorous life, how’s it going with Spotted?” I drag myself to my feet, weary but waiting for his response before I hit the shower.

“Good.” He holds up his phone. “Just got a tip about a big party tonight.”

“Cool.” I start toward the bedroom.

“Talked to Rhyson yet?”

I know San so well that the hesitation in his voice stops me and turns me around to face him.

“No. Not since he left.”

For once, I didn’t tell San every gory detail of my life. I told him Rhyson and I fought over him paying my bills, but I didn’t tell him the fight ended on the pool table, with Rhyson as the cue stick and me the ball he hit. “Why?”

“No reason.” San averts his face from me, which is always a bad sign.

“San, what’s up?” I gulp. “Is he okay? Did you hear something? Or get a tip?”

“Nothing like that. We just ran a story today about him and Petra Adreyev.”

That name rings a tiny, disturbing bell. Bristol asked Rhyson if he would see Petra while he was in Chicago.

“What’d the story say?”

“She’s pretty active on Instagram and just posted a picture of them out at dinner last night. Since he’s so private and we don’t get much of him, lots of outlets picked it up.”

What right do I have to be jealous of him spending time with someone else? Even so, I can’t lie to myself about what sears my peace of mind. It’s jealousy.

“Cool. Glad he’s finding time to connect with . . . old friends.”

“Well, more than friends, but yeah.”

“What do you mean more than friends?”

“You know. They did a tour together when they were younger. Dueling pianos kinda thing. They were both prodigies and dated years ago. The classical music scene loved it.”

“Dated?” I’m confused, and I’m sure my face shows it. “No, Rhyson’s only dated one . . .”

He said he dated a girl his parents wanted for him. Petra would fit that bill perfectly. And he would have known her in the right time frame.

“You got the link?”

“Pep, I’m sure it’s nothing. You don’t want to—”

“Rhyson and I aren’t dating, San. I’ve made that abundantly clear to him.” Obviously he can see who he wants to see.” I wiggle my fingers for him to hand the phone over. “I want to see.”

The picture is a selfie of them at dinner posted to Petra’s Instagram account. She’s kissing his cheek, but looking into the camera. Rhyson wears an exasperated grin, but looks like he’s enjoying himself. Her plate is empty and there’s a to-go carton in front of Rhyson. I wonder if he still only eats out with me. If he trusts that part of himself with only me. That contrary bitch inside who won’t let herself have him hopes so.

Petra’s beautiful. Blonde with green eyes. Another stunning, insanely musically gifted person is walking around in the world. There are two of them, and of course, everyone would want them to couple up and clone themselves. Breathing hurts when I think of Rhyson with some gorgeous fellow genius piano prodigy who is perfect for him and whom his parents love.

The pain of losing my mother—that happened to me. I had no control over how loss raided my life, stealing one thing after another that I loved. But this? Rejecting Rhyson when he wanted me and then seeing him possibly move on . . . move back . . . to someone who hurt him before, who doesn’t deserve a second chance, this I inflicted on myself.

I hand the phone to San and walk back toward my bedroom without answering the question on San’s face.

“It’s just dinner, Kai,” he calls after me.

I close my bedroom door before he can offer more assurances that don’t make me feel any better. Rhyson’s been gone for days and hasn’t called. I’m the one who asked for space, so calling him would defeat that purpose, but missing him feels like a sad flower growing inside of me every day—an ache that keeps budding, opening up in my soul. I’d forgotten how much fun life could be until Rhyson entered mine. As much as they tried, San and Grady couldn’t drag me out of that solitary confinement my grief had consigned me to.

But Rhyson did.

Waitressing keeps me busy, blocking the depression and guilt I feel over what happened with Rhyson. My section is packed. The orders come thick and fast. The customers are demanding. It’s just what I need to distract me.

I’m in the kitchen checking on table three’s order when one of the other servers comes in, his face harried and irate under his pink-tinted faux hawk. How many trends can you fit onto one head, dude?

“Hey, Kai, older guy’s out there asking for you.”

My emotions yo-yo between overwhelming relief that Rhyson’s here and dread. I don’t even bother trying to freshen anything. I lost the elastic band taming my hair when the high school basketball team came through two hours ago. Haven’t seen it since, and my hair is all over the place. Oh, well. He’s seen me at my worst and he’s still here.

I walk out, scanning the dining room for him. Then I see the broad shoulders from behind, his height elevating him inches over the other customers at the podium waiting to be seated. He’s wearing a fedora I’ve never seen before. Guess he’s freshening the disguise. I walk up behind him and tap him on the shoulder, a smile already on my face despite the trepidation over what the next few moments hold for us.

“Hey, you,” I say. “I thought you were still in Chicago.”

He turns around, and it’s not the older man I expected. The grey in Grady’s goatee and the lines around his eyes aren’t a disguise. Time put those there, and he looks like he’s aged a few more years since I last saw him.

“Grady, hey.” I reach up to give him a quick hug. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey, Kai.” He steps out of the way of a few customers being shown to their seats. “Sorry to come down here when you’re working.”

“It’s fine.” I grab his arm and pull him off to the side. “Everything okay?”

The frown on his face and the worry in his eyes answer before he does.

“No, things aren’t good.”

“Rhyson?” I grip his hand, fixing my eyes on his face. “Is it Rhyson?”

“No, he’s fine. Well, as fine as can be expected.”

“Grady, what’s happened?” My imagination ping pongs between dire scenarios. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Rhyson’s father.” Grady presses his lips together and swallows before speaking. “His father . . . my brother . . . had a heart attack. It’s bad. They’re not sure . . .”

Grady chokes the words back and composes himself before going on.

“They had a horrible argument at Christmas”

“I know. He told me.”

“The things they said to each other.” Grady levels a concerned look at me. “As bad as their relationship has been, I know Rhyson loves his father. He’s always wanted his approval. He thinks he’s been defying his father with all of his success, but I know on some level, he’s wanted my brother to be proud of him. If those things he said to him at Christmas are their last words, it’ll eat Rhyson alive.”

I am so far from where I belong. I should be right by Rhyson’s side. I know it immediately. I can’t help but think about my emotional implosion at Thanksgiving dinner, how he blocked everyone else out and comforted me. I need to do that for him.

“What . . . where?” I can’t piece together words. The desire to go to him is like a heat-seeking missile, strong and searching.

“He and Bristol were in Chicago for a few shows when they got the news, but they’re already in New York.”

Of course. I forgot about Petra. Maybe she’s with him. Maybe he doesn’t want anything from me now. Maybe he wouldn’t even accept it from me. I pushed him away.

“I’m sorry, Grady. Is there . . . is there anything I can do?”

“Bristol has arranged a private flight for me out to New York. It leaves in about an hour.”

“Good. I’m glad you can get there right away.” I pause, studying my Converse for a moment in silence. “Please tell him I’m praying for his dad.”

Grady holds my eyes, grabs my hands.

“Come tell him yourself, Kai.”

I look up from my shoes, my eyes wide.

“He doesn’t want me there, Grady. We had a . . . a disagreement and—”

“I know.”

“You know?” Confusion twists a frown onto my face. “How do you know?”

“Because I’m the one who told him to leave you alone and give you the space you asked for. I told him to let it go for now and deal with it when he got back from Chicago. He’s wanted to call you a dozen times.”

My heart rises and falls.

“He wanted to call?”

“To put it mildly.” Grady smiles a little for the first time since he walked into the restaurant. “I nearly had to hog tie his phone to get him not to.”

“So I have you to thank for the last week of torture.” I manage a smile too, no bigger than Grady’s.

“If it was torture, why didn’t you call him, Kai?”

I drop my eyes to the safety of my shoes again.

“I don’t know what I want, Grady.”

“Are you sure about that?” I look up to find Grady’s eyes, knowing, wise, studying my face. “Or are you just afraid of having it?”

These questions in the midst of everything going on with Rhyson’s dad only muddy things more. One thing is clear. Clarion clear. I may not know what I should do about my feelings for Rhyson. If it’s the right time. If I’m ready to risk my heart to a man who will take everything I give him and anything I would try to withhold. But I do know where I’m supposed to be. Right now.

“Grady, let’s go.”