Текст книги "Breakaway"

Автор книги: Kelly Jamieson

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

She nodded, but was softening inside, her heart thawing just a little.

But fear still held her in an icy grip.

“What are you going to do?” she asked him, voice shaky.

“I don’t know.” He swallowed. “I knew I had to tell you about it. That’s why I came to see you the other day. But I still don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Do you still care about Brianne?”

“No. Well…” His hesitation was like a slap in the face and she flinched. “I care about her as a friend. We were together a long time. But I don’t love her, Remi. I love you. Please, please believe that.”

She drew in a long shaky breath, and nodded.

“But I do care about my child,” he continued, his voice so low and deep she had to listen carefully. “I know I have to do the right thing for my child. I just don’t know what that is. Is it being with Brianne?”

She jerked and blinked. He shrugged his big shoulders.

“I just don’t know.” His voice caught, and wonderingly, she watched the big brute hockey player’s eyes grow glossy. “I want to be with you, Remi, more than anything in the world, but I have an obligation now to someone else that I have to live up to. I have to be a man. I have to be responsible.”

She understood that. She truly did, because she’d had to be responsible her whole life and she knew what that felt like. She nodded as her heart splintered and cracked inside her rib cage.

“I don’t want to keep you hanging while I figure it out,” he continued. “That’s not fair to you.”

She would wait. She wanted to say it, but held the words in. Tears blurred her vision yet again.

“I love you, Remi,” he said hoarsely. He shifted along the couch cushions and she put out a hand to push him away because if he touched her, she’d be done, but he just moved her hand aside and pulled her onto his lap. She held onto him, wrapped her arms around him, buried her face in his neck and inhaled the warm, male scent of his skin. For the last time. She dug her fingers into the softness of his hair. Tears wet her cheeks and his neck and his arms wrapped around her too, squeezing her so tightly she almost couldn’t breathe. She felt his big body shudder and knew…he was crying too. “I love you, Remi. But I can’t be with you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to do this to you.”

She squeezed her eyes shut at the pain, like a knife dragged from her sternum down through her intestines. She knew. She couldn’t speak to say the words, but she knew.

Chapter Seventeen

He’d done it. He’d told Remi. He’d broken her heart and his along with it. Now he had to go see Brianne.

He’d made a decision. Now he had to tell her.

His insides churned.

Last night’s game had been another disaster, but at least it hadn’t been entirely his fault. Or maybe everyone just sensed that he was still messed up and that’s why Arnette had let in three goals that should never have happened, why Dom and Matthieu had taken stupid penalties. They’d been fighting their way from behind the entire game and although Jason had played with everything he had, it hadn’t been enough to pull out a win. They’d now lost three in a row and were up against the wire again. Sunday’s game was either the end of the road or bought them time. At least it was a home game.

Jason hadn’t been to Brianne’s apartment since that night he’d broken up with her. She’d dropped off the few things he’d left at her place shortly after that and he’d never been back. And his hands were sweaty now as he waited for her to let him in.

“Hi.” She stood there, looking more like her usual self. Since she earned her living with how she looked, it wasn’t surprising that she’d managed to get herself back on track fairly quickly. She didn’t even look pregnant, dressed in low-rise jeans and a snug T-shirt. “Come on in.”

He walked in, legs rubbery as if he’d just skated a few hours of drills, and he rubbed his palms on his jeans.

“How are you feeling?” he asked politely.

“Tired.” She made a face.

“You haven’t been sick or anything?”

She shook her head. “No. Thank god. Just really, really tired. All the time. And hungry. It’s hard to keep myself from eating.”

He frowned. “You have to eat, Brianne. For the baby.”

“I still have to watch what I eat. I can’t put on weight too fast.”

“But…that’s what happens when you get pregnant. You put on weight.”

“I know that.” She pressed her lips together. “I just don’t want to use the pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything in sight. I can’t put on weight right now, I have jobs– contracts I have to fulfill. Don’t worry, Jase, I know I’m going to gain weight. I just want to make sure it’s not too much, too fast.”

He knew nothing about pregnancy. “How much is too much? How much are you supposed to put on? Like, the baby’s going to weigh seven or eight pounds, right?”

She shrugged and motioned for him to have a seat. “They say twenty to thirty pounds is healthy, but I would die if I put on thirty pounds. If I can keep it under twenty pounds, I should be okay.”

His brows drew together. Twenty or thirty pounds? No wonder she was freaked out. “But thirty pounds is healthy. What if you…” Jesus, he was going to have to do some studying up on this. He needed to know these things. “What if you starve the baby and he doesn’t grow properly?”

She just waved a hand. “I said, don’t worry, Jase.”

“Well, I am worried. It’s my baby too, remember?”

“I know, I know. That’s why you’re here. You wanted to talk.”

Brianne walked across her living room to a book shelf and picked up something. When she turned to him, she was shaking a cigarette out of a package.

Jason jolted to his feet. “What the hell are you doing!”

She blinked at him, then looked at the cigarette. “Uh…having a cigarette.”

He strode across the room and yanked the slender cylinder out of her fingers, then grabbed the entire package. He crushed the package in one fist, the cigarette in the other. “You can’t smoke when you’re pregnant!”

She took a step back, her perfectly groomed brows rising. “When did you become such an expert on pregnancy?”

“Jesus, Brianne! Everyone knows that!”

“I can’t quit, Jase. I’ve tried before.”

He rolled his eyes. He’d never liked her smoking. She’d tried not to do it around him, so it bothered him less, but he knew she did. He could smell it on her clothes and sometimes her breath. He knew how terrified she was of putting on weight, and every time she’d tried to quit, a couple of pounds on the scale had her breaking open the tobacco again. He’d put up with it, didn’t bug her about it, because—it was her life

But now it wasn’t just her life. It was their baby’s life.

“Yes you can. We’ll talk to your doctor. Maybe there’s something they can do to help you.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe you aren’t putting the baby first.”

“I am!” she cried. “I do care! It’s just not that easy.”

“That’s what being a parent is,” he said shortly. “It’s not easy, but you give up things for the sake of your children. Because you love them and they’re the most important thing in the world.” Remi…

She nodded slowly. Jason went into her bathroom and crumpled the cigarettes into the toilet and flushed them. There.

When he returned, Brianne was sitting on her couch, leaning back, arms folded across her chest, her full lips even fuller in a small pout.

“So what did you come to talk about?” she asked. “Other than my smoking and eating habits.”

“I will not let you endanger our child by putting nicotine in your body when you’re pregnant,” he said through clenched teeth. “You’re going to quit, Brianne, and I don’t care if you put on fifty pounds in the next week. I don’t care about your goddamn contracts. I’m here to help financially, I’ll make sure you’re okay, but you are not going to smoke.”

She stared at him, hands on hips. Her bottom lip trembled. “Financially?” she asked. “That’s what this is about?”

He closed his eyes. What did she expect from him?

“Well, I guess that’s one more good thing about sleeping with a jock. Not much intellectual stimulation, but you’ve got a great body and at least you’ve got lots of money.”

His stomach bottomed out at her careless words and he stared at her. What the fuck did she just say? She did not just call him a stupid jock. His head whirled.

Stupid. He was not stupid. Remi’d told him that.

But he wasn’t irresponsible, either. Not anymore.

“I wanted to talk about how we’re going to do this,” he said heavily, sitting down in a chair across from her. “I’m the father of this baby and I have a responsibility to the baby and I want to do the right thing.”

* * *

Jasmine woke Remi up Sunday morning, later than she should have slept, but once again her night had been restless and agitated, with bad dreams and waking up sweaty and shaky. Her head throbbed, her eyes felt gritty from crying and her stomach ached.

“I can’t believe you’re still in bed,” Jasmine said. “But I saw the for sale sign outside! So you’re going to sell the house, that’s fantastic!”

“Yeah.” Fanbloodytastic. Remi yawned and walked to the kitchen to make some coffee, shuffling in her flannel pants and bare feet. “The realtor seems pretty optimistic that it will sell quickly.”

“That’s so great!” Jasmine clasped her hands in front of her. “I can’t wait to get the money. Ethan and I are going to look at some open houses this afternoon.”

“Maybe you should just hold off until we’ve actually sold it. It will take a while before things go through.” She didn’t even know how that all worked. She’d never bought or sold a house before.

Jasmine just waved a hand. “We can look. This is so great. And you can put conditions on the sale to make it go through quickly.”

Remi leaned against the counter, arms folded across her chest, and looked at Jasmine. “And what about me?” she inquired quietly. “Where do you think I’m going to go if we get things ‘through quickly’?”

Jasmine frowned. “I don’t know.”

“You know, I wish once in a while you’d think of someone other than yourself.”

Jasmine’s brows flew up and a hurt expression creased her forehead. The coffeemaker sputtered and hissed behind Remi on the counter. “Well. That’s kind of mean.”

At first, Remi’d been proud of herself for speaking her mind, but then regret filled her at her hasty words. She rubbed the back of her neck and let out a long breath. “I’m sorry, Jas. But I feel like I’m being pushed to sell this house without thinking it through.”

“But, Remi…we talked about it. It’s our house. All three of us. You’re the one who’s being selfish, wanting to keep the house just so you have somewhere to live. It’s not all about you either, you know.”

Remi jerked as if she’d been physically struck. She straightened slowly, let her arms fall to her sides, her fingers curled into her palms.

Jasmine looked at her and must have seen the look on her face. “Well, it’s true,” she said with a hint of defensiveness. “We’re entitled to our third of the value.”

“Yes, you are. I’m not disagreeing with you about that. I’m just pointing out that this all happened really fast and I haven’t even had a chance to find another place.”

“Well.” Jasmine shook her head. “It’s back to you again. All about you. God, Rem. You want to keep the house because you’re hoping that I’ll come running back here when things don’t work out with Ethan. You don’t want things to work out with Ethan, because you don’t want to live here all alone. And you want Kyle to come home every summer so you won’t be alone.”

Remi’s mouth opened, then closed. She stared at her sister. Her head throbbed and she put a hand up to her temple. “That’s not true,” she whispered. Was it?

“You should be happy for me and Ethan,” Jasmine continued. “And Kyle has his own life to live.”

Remi shook her head slowly. “I know that. I just…want to be here for you. If you need me.” That was all she’d ever wanted. It was so important to her. But…

“Well, we don’t need you.”

Jasmine’s words were like a knife to the heart and Remi almost staggered back at the pain. No words would come. She didn’t know what to say.

“I ask you to do one thing for me!” Jasmine went on. “And you—”

“One thing!” Remi stared at her sister in amazement. Did she really not remember all the things Remi had done for her over the years? Hurt rose inside her, a fierce pressure in her head. She wanted to point out that she’d supported Kyle and Jasmine after mom and dad had died. She’d made the money that paid the bills and bought the groceries. She’d paid Jasmine’s college tuition and now Kyle’s. She’d spent hours of her life driving them both around to lessons and activities and appointments, not even having time for a real relationship, as Darryl had pointed out to her when he’d given her the choice between him and her family.

But she said none of that. Because it didn’t really matter.

She’d done it because she loved them, because it was the only thing to do.

Darryl hadn’t been the right guy for her anyway. At the time it had hurt like hell, but that now seemed like nothing. Now…a violent rush of pain thinking about Jason almost had her doubling over. Dense silence filled the kitchen while she struggled for control, swallowing through a tight throat so she could speak. She turned away from Jasmine and blinked her stinging eyes. She couldn’t blame her brother and sister for what had happened with Jason, much as she wanted to feel the victim, the martyr at that moment. That was a whole other issue.

No, Darryl hadn’t been the right man for her. She’d been devastated when he’d made her choose, telling her she was boring and had no time for him, but she knew now, after what she’d felt for Jason, that she would never have ended up with Darryl anyway. Her feelings for him had been like flat water compared to her bright and sparkling champagne feelings for Jason.

Jase. Oh Jase. It so wasn’t fair this happened to her again, only this time….

“Remi. Are you okay?” Jasmine’s voice behind her sounded hesitant, confused.

“I’m okay.” She swiped at her wet cheeks. She certainly didn’t want to talk about Jason. “It’s no big deal.” She forced a smile and turned around. She’d done those things for her brother and sister because she loved them, not because she expected anything in return. They were fighting about stuff that really didn’t matter.

And Jasmine was right. Painfully, eye-openingly right. The house was just a place to live. What she was really struggling with was the fact that Kyle and Jasmine didn’t need her like they used to. Her chest ached with the realization, but she had to face the fact that they were adults. Like Jason had pointed out. God, he’d been right too. They were adults and she needed to let go.

“So, looking for a house will be exciting for you and Ethan,” Remi said, her smile tight. “Where are you looking?”

They chatted for a few minutes about neighborhoods and prices.

“I’d better go,” Jasmine eventually said. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sure. Bye.”

Remi poured herself cup of coffee and sat down at the table. She stared blankly at the dark, steaming liquid.

They didn’t need her anymore. It hurt, but she had to face reality. That was what happened when kids grew up. That was the goal of parenthood—to rear adults who were independent and strong. She remembered Jason asking her if she’d ever thought she was enabling them by being there for them every time something went wrong. She’d thought she was doing the right thing, because she loved them and being there for them after their parents had died was the most important thing in the world to her. But maybe she’d needed to be needed more than they needed her. If that made any sense at all.

So Jasmine might get a reality check when she and Ethan bought their house and moved in together, but that was life. Kyle might get a shock too when he didn’t have anywhere to go between terms, but he’d have to figure it out. They were both adults and needed to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their lives.

And she had to take responsibility for her own life too. Yeah, being on her own had been a rude shock and selling the house and moving into an apartment all her own wasn’t going to be easy. But it was her life and she needed to make the best of it. A place all her own could be exciting. And maybe instead of lonely she’d feel free. She’d probably still worry about Kyle and Jasmine, but maybe being without all that responsibility would be liberating. She’d only have herself to look after, and when it came right down to it, looking after herself was really the most important thing she could do. At one time she might have thought that was selfish, but now…she felt a need to do this, do find out who she really was, to be her own person.

Now Jason was the one being saddled with a huge responsibility that he hadn’t asked for. Huh. She could almost laugh at that, except…it really wasn’t funny.

She understood responsibility and she got why Jason had to step up. She wouldn’t love him as much if he had done anything else, if he had tried to ignore the baby, pretend it wasn’t his, deny his duty. He would never do that. Because it was his child and he was doing the same thing she had—anything he had to for that child. For love.

Her heart squeezed painfully and she took in a shaky breath, just on the edge of crying again. God, she was such a crybaby lately.

But how much should Jason sacrifice for the sake of his child?

Would Remi have sacrificed her relationship with Darryl if she’d truly loved him? She couldn’t imagine that, because she knew now she hadn’t loved him, heart, mind, soul and body. So she’d let him go. Continued on with her life, doing what she had to do.

But she loved Jason. Heart. Soul. Mind. Body.

She wandered into her bedroom and looked at the boxes half full of things. She stood in front of her dresser, staring at her watch, a pair of earrings and…the bear Jason had built for her, that day at Navy Pier, in his little Chicago Wolves uniform. A sharp stab of pain pierced her heart as she reached for the bear, remembering that day, the crazy fun they’d had. She’d probably fallen in love with him that day.

She hugged the bear, pressing her cheek to the soft fur, her tears dampening it, aching inside as memories of that day rolled through her head. She’d been so happy, so carefree. “Remi is beary beautiful.” Jason’s voice spoke from inside the bear and the tears fell harder and the ache intensified.

Why did she have to let him go? Why did he have to let her go? Parents together “for the sake of the children” was a huge mistake. Nobody these days expected a man in that position to ask the woman to marry him—did they? Wasn’t that the worst reason to get married? Especially if the relationship had ended and they didn’t love each other anymore? Wouldn’t that just be doomed to failure? And what kind of life would that be for their child if they stayed together and were miserable?

The questions bounced around in her aching head until she felt it might split open. She rubbed her temples. Think, Remi. Think.

She’d sacrificed a lot in her life. And she didn’t regret it. But she wasn’t going to let Jason sacrifice his whole life. There was more than one way to take responsibility for something.

She surged to her feet, then stood there for a moment, mind racing. She had to talk to him. She had to talk to him now.

She glanced wildly at her watch, but she wasn’t wearing one. The clock on the stove said nearly one. Where would he be? Practice? At home? She had to find him.

She grabbed her purse and was fishing for her keys when she realized she was still dressed in pajamas. With a growl of annoyance, she dropped her bag to the floor and ran to her bedroom to change.

When the phone rang, she dove for it, somehow the idea that Jason might be calling her implanted in her mind. But it was the realtor, calling to tell her there was an offer on the house.

“A great offer,” he said.

“Wonderful,” she huffed, trying to get out of her pajama pants with the phone tucked between shoulder and ear. Just what she needed. “That was fast.”

“I can come over right now,” he said.

“No. No. I have to go out somewhere. I’ll call you later.”

“Remi, you don’t want to lose this offer.”

“I…I have something important to do. Please. I’ll call you later.”

She had to talk to Jason.