Текст книги "Tell Me You Need Me"

Автор книги: Joya Ryan

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 10 страниц)

“Tell me the truth,” he said. “What is it you want? Beyond the sex, beyond a casual and temporary relationship. What do you honestly want?”

Her hands stilled. “I want to be the fantasy…not the reality.”

Her words smacked straight to his gut. She’d rather live in suspended bliss with no thought of a deeper connection than risk being real with him. Maybe they were further apart than he’d thought. But behind her perfect skin and sweet face was a hint of fear. Was she afraid of him? Afraid of more? Could he convince her this long-distance type of relationship could work?

Before he could ask, her green eyes fastened to his. “What is it you want, Gage? Beyond the date, what do you honestly want?”

The truth hit him hard. “I want you to miss me when I’m gone.”

Her chest rose on a sharp breath. In a few words and a single admission, the difficulty of their situation blared like fog lights in a storm. Dread gathered in his stomach.

Could they both have what they wanted?

Maybe this was why fantasy was better. Reality could hurt.

They didn’t say anything else. Just finished cleaning up while their words and tonight’s events settled over them. He wrapped Chloe in a towel and took her to bed.

“I should go,” she whispered.

But he tucked her under the covers and climbed in behind her. Because God help him, he couldn’t send her away. Not when she was so close.

Would they ever have a shot at anything more than this fantasy? It seemed less and less possible.

He hugged her against him. “Stay here tonight. In my bed. In the fantasy.”

She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t try to leave, either. Her soft, even breathing was all the answer he needed for now. Because at least for tonight, she’d stay. In his arms. In the fantasy. Even though he couldn’t get reality out of his mind.

Chapter Nine

Chloe opened her eyes and stretched. The soft covers floated around her like a cloud, surrounding her in warmth, tranquility, and…

Panic.

She was in Gage’s bed. The soft light of late morning filtered through the room and warmed her face, but he was nowhere to be seen.

What had happened? She’d had sex with Gage…in the mud, during a rainstorm. He’d taken her to his place, and then they’d showered and gone to bed without having sex again. What had he been thinking? What had she been thinking? Showering without sex. Sleeping in the same bed without sex. The only people who did that were people in relationships. The kind of people she’d insisted she and Gage could never be.

She should have left him last night as soon as she saw where this was going. Instead, she’d lain there, her head against his chest, and had fallen asleep.

What had she been thinking? What had he been saying?

Everything in the light of day felt more like a mess than last night, which was an actual mess. He wanted to see where things went between them? Like on a serious level? Dating?

She shook her head. No. He’d be gone as soon as the next mission came his way—then everything would go back to normal. He’d get caught back up in saving people, and by the time he came back, he’d have forgotten about changing what was between them into something that couldn’t last.

Damn him. Damn him for making her care about him. Damn him for opening her up to the kind of loss she couldn’t face. She’d seen how love—and loss—had destroyed her mother. She wouldn’t let it destroy her, too. She knew better.

This had to stop. She was already getting too attached to Gage. Usually, he’d be gone by now and she’d never have the chance to think these things, to feel for him. Except he’d been here for a few days, and already her heart was opening to him in ways it never should.

She should cut this off now. Tell him to leave her alone, at least for now. Maybe forever.

The front door opened, and Gage walked in carrying a paper bag. He headed her way, set it on the bed, and quickly kissed her lips. She glared at him.

“Well good morning to you too,” he said.

“I need to go.” She started to roll off the bed, but he stopped her.

“I got you a sandwich.” He unwrapped the food from the bag and handed it to her.

She lifted a slice of bread and examined the ingredients. “No bell peppers or mustard?”

“No. I thought you hated those.”

“I do,” she whispered. He knew her so well—down to how she liked her sandwiches…

He knew her.

She shook her head. “I really should go.”

“I didn’t poison your food,” he said sarcastically.

She got up and tugged on her dress, which had dried mud on it, but she didn’t care. Her place was only a few blocks away, and if walking down Main Street looking like a slob was what she had to do to get out of there, she would. Because the world was crashing around her and she was losing hold on her safe indifference.

“Tell me what’s going on,” he said.

She tugged on her shoes.

“Chloe,” he snapped. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

She looked at the ground and shook her head. “I like you so much.” She dared a glance at him.

He smiled. “That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.”

“That’s just it,” she said. “I don’t want to like you!”

He staggered back like she’d punched him in the stomach. “Why?”

She felt horrible, but the words were out there, and she couldn’t deny them. She tossed her hands in the air. “Because I know myself.” And the emotions running within her. Whenever she wanted something, she clung to it. Hard. With teeth and nails—with her entire being. And she’d learned the hard way even with your tightest hold, what you wanted could still be ripped away.

Worse, it could choose to walk away.

She wouldn’t go through that. Love stories were a cliché no one could live up to. Better to never love at all than suffer this kind of pain. Even thinking about Gage dying in the field or one day walking away from her—the very thought made her shrivel up inside. If it actually happened, she’d die inside.

But she couldn’t come out and say, “The reason I can’t be with you is because I want to be with you.” It’d never make sense, but it was how she worked. She clung too tightly to what she loved, which was why she couldn’t let herself love anything.

No matter how hard she’d tried to be different, it was the truth. Her mother had clung to the stupid notion that her father loved them and would come back someday. She’d clung to fantasies that didn’t exist. And now Chloe was on the brink of doing the same to Gage.

And she couldn’t do it. Her heart couldn’t handle it, and it wasn’t fair to him. Even if she dared to believe that he was serious about wanting something more permanent with her, he could still die in the field. She could still lose him regardless of how he felt about her.

What was the other option? Ask him to stop helping people? Ask him to stop rescuing someone in need?

Telling him to stay would go against what he loved to do. She’d never put him in a position to pick her over his job.

“We both knew this was never going to last,” she said. It was more a statement for herself than for him, but Gage just sat there, next to the perfect sandwich he’d gotten for her. “Let’s just enjoy this for what it is.”

He nodded once, his face like stone.

Her eyes stung. The words hurt her as much as she knew they hurt him. But she turned and walked out before she could take them back.

“What do you think it means?” Chloe asked, eyeing the vase of flowers that’d been delivered a few minutes ago.

Natalie came up to the bar and placed a cupcake in front of Chloe. Chocolate on chocolate, her favorite. “Usually, people smile when they look at a big vase of flowers, not glare at it trying to mentally make it burst into flames.”

Chloe huffed. “I don’t trust it.” She hadn’t seen Gage since she’d walked out on him the other day, and now there were flowers. What the hell was she supposed to think?

“Did you at least read the card?”

“As a matter of fact, I was just about to.”

She swallowed, picked the little card out of the flowers, and read:

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve been busy with training.

But I’ve been thinking of you and will see you soon.

Love, Gage

Chloe scoffed at the little smiley face Gage had drawn at the bottom of the card to go with his words.

“I think it means he likes you,” Natalie said, as if it were obvious.

Chloe took a big bite of her cupcake and stared at the flowers. She’d never gotten flowers before, and it left her feeling…giddy.

She shoved the rest of the cupcake in her mouth, crossed her arms, and glared some more. She’d never asked for an explanation why he hadn’t called. She knew why he hadn’t called. She’d walked out on him.

But he’d given a reason anyway. And it was just like him not to come down on her for making a mistake. Instead, he’d put the blame on himself.

He also said he’d see her soon, which probably meant the anniversary event. In the meantime she had to…trust him.

Natalie whistled and raised her eyebrows. “I know you’re new to this whole dating thing, but trust me, acts of kindness are a good thing.”

She shook her head. “That’s just it. He’s being kind when I should be the one apologizing.”

“Whoa.” Natalie held out her hands. “You mean you’re admitting you’re wrong?”

“No,” Chloe said quickly. “I mean it’s not a matter of right or wrong. I just…don’t want to like him.” She meant it. This need to see him, to want to be around him, this constant wondering what he was doing, it was taking over her mind. She was practically obsessed.

Not good.

“It’s a vulnerable place to be. Wanting someone and hoping they want you back.”

Natalie glanced away, and a flash of sadness crossed her face. But she blinked a few times then plastered on her trademark sunshine smile. “But Gage clearly wants you back so what are you worried about?”

“Because I know him.” Gage’s need for change, for adventure… He was a flight risk, and she knew better.

She glanced at the flowers again. Maybe he could stay—better, maybe he’d want to. Maybe he really did want more with her, and maybe she could make it work with him.

Maybe…

“I need to focus on getting ready for the event,” Chloe said.

“Ah yes, why acknowledge this when you could avoid it instead?” Natalie answered.

“What do you mean?”

“You have a man in front of you, Chloe. He’s trying to make this work. And you’re shutting it down.”

Chloe shook her head. “I have a good reason.” By age six, she’d stopped counting how many times her dad had taken off. She’d stopped keeping track of her mother’s tears and bouts of depression by age nine. It had come as no surprise that final time her dad left and never came back, or that her mom never stopped waiting for him.

Now, as an adult, there was an emptiness in Chloe that still wouldn’t go away. She wasn’t worth sticking around for, and she didn’t want another reminder. Not with Gage. To love someone and lose them was a special kind of torture.

Not that she was in love with him…

“You may have a good reason, but Gage has nothing to do with those reasons. He’s not your dad, but you’re making him pay for those mistakes.”

Oh crap. Natalie had a point.

“Maybe it’s time you try a different tactic. Otherwise you may lose out on something worth keeping.”

Chloe closed her eyes. If that didn’t seal the fear in her heart, nothing would.

Maybe…

It was terrifying how a single word gave her hope and fear all at once. The last thing she wanted to risk losing was Gage.

“I need to focus on the event,” she finally said and walked back to the kitchen. But she didn’t make it. She turned around and bolted back to the counter, fishing her cell phone out of her pocket.

“What are you doing?” Natalie asked.

“I have to talk to Gage.” She dialed his number and held the ringing phone to her ear. She had to tell him she cared. Had to say…something. Anything. Because for once, she’d try feeling her emotions instead of hiding from them.

“Hey,” Gage answered quickly.

“Hi. Listen, I got the flowers and was wondering if maybe—”

“Sorry sweetheart, I can’t talk now,” he interrupted. She could hear the fumbling of a pack being zipped in the background. “Got called out. Family is missing over by the campsite and cliffs. I’ll call you when I can.”

Chloe didn’t get another word out. The phone clicked as Gage hung up on her.

She stared at the screen, the flashing numbers showing the call had lasted exactly seven seconds.

“What was that about?” Natalie asked.

Chloe swallowed past the icky feeling rising in her throat. “He got called out on a mission.” Which was his job. Something she knew. Something she understood. Something he couldn’t help. So why the ick?

“I’m sure he’ll call you as soon as he can then,” Natalie offered as if replaying Gage’s words.

“Yeah,” she agreed, but her smile felt forced. She put her phone back in her pocket and did the one thing she should have done a moment ago. Walked into the kitchen and regained focus on the event.

Not Gage.

Chapter Ten

“No more training, boys, this is the real thing.” Gage picked up his pack. Everyone had met at the edge of the forty-acre campground on the outskirts of town where thirty minutes ago, a family of three had been reported missing from their campsite on the outskirts of Beaufort. Gage had the volunteers he’d been working with as his backup.

A little girl and her two parents were missing. That was all the information they had. They could be together, separated, hurt… No one knew, and time was precious.

Sure, Gage hadn’t been sent on the west coast mission last week, but this family was missing on his turf. And he had the trainees and the full-time team with him.

This was a mission he could do right now. And he would. He’d find this family.

“The girl was right here, playing by the fire pit,” the campsite neighbor said, pointing at the long extinguished coals. “When they didn’t come back yesterday, I started to worry and called it in. The girl is six. Her name is April. We’re sure the parents went out after her and got lost themselves. My feeling is that if we find the girl, we find the parents.”

Gage’s chest was tight. He had to find them, and he had to find them fast. They only had another hour of daylight on their side.

With a map in hand, he assigned quadrants to the different groups of search and rescuers, and then he took off on his own to search.

Six-year-old blonde girl wearing a red shirt and jeans.

Forty minutes in, Gage was scouring every inch of terrain he could. His body was already covered in sweat and his muscles ached, but his training kicked in, and he closed himself off to the discomfort. He’d force his body to continue until the mission was complete. A little girl and her parents were out there. Alone. Afraid. Lost. A minute’s rest could be all that stood between them and getting out of this alive.

He spotted small footprints in the dirt, and hope rushed through him.

“April!” he called.

She had to be close.

The sun was setting, and he had to find her before it got dark. Had to. Because the second the light faded, the chances of her surviving…

No! He’d find her first.

A soft sniffle and a hoarse cry came from his left, and he took off toward the sound.

The trickle of a creek filtered into his mind, and with it came Chloe’s face. Hard to believe only a short time ago she’d been out here with him. The world had seemed hopeful and bright. Now all thoughts of what could but might never be were sinking in hard.

Damn it—he needed to get his mind straight.

Gage’s foot hit a pit in the ground—his leg tensed, a muscle spasm, and his knee locked up, taking him down. He hit the ground hard and clamped his knee with both hands, gritting his teeth. He’d fallen so hard he’d knocked his damn kneecap out of alignment. He slowly bent and extended his leg, trying to force the cap back into place.

“Mother fucker!” He knew better. It’d been a rookie mistake bounding toward a sound without checking the surroundings or terrain. He was too busy thinking about losing Chloe, and now he was losing the little girl he was supposed to be looking for.

He needed to get it together. Now.

Using his knife, he made a small cut in his pants so he could reach in and squeeze both sides of his kneecap, angling it just right…pop!

Gage hissed, but his knee was back where it should be. Deep breath and a “thank God” later, he was up and walking. Sore and with a limp, but he’d worry about that later.

He called out again. “April? Can you hear me? Say something, honey, so I can find you.”

“H-help,” a soft voice squeaked out. Gage moved toward the sound, and in twenty paces, he found the small girl with her knees pulled to her chest, crying next to a tree.

Relief enveloped him. “April.” He crouched next to her. “My name is Gage. Are you hurt?”

She shook her head. “No. I can’t find my mom, but she’s looking for me. I heard her earlier, but I couldn’t find her.”

Gage nodded. April must’ve run off, and her parents went looking for her and got themselves lost as well. Which meant they could be anywhere and were probably split up.

“Do you remember the last time you heard your mom’s voice? Was it recently?”

She shook her head. “It was a long time ago.”

And Gage had been yelling and gotten nothing from either parent, which meant they were out of earshot. But he had to get the girl back and checked out.

“I’m going to take you to the doctor, okay?”

Her eyes widened. “But my mommy and daddy!”

“I have a lot of friends looking for them right now. We need to make sure you’re okay.”

April hesitated, then nodded.

He radioed his team. “Found the girl. Require a medic once we reach the campsite. On the way back now. Status on male and female adults?” He said it lightly so April hopefully wouldn’t worry.

His radio rang out with the crew leads.

“Nothing yet.”

“Nothing.”

Jesus. What good would it be to save the girl if he couldn’t save her parents, too? Gage picked her up and stood—his knee screamed with pain. He knelt back down and cursed.

“Don’t leave me,” April whispered. “Please, don’t leave me.”

He brushed his hand against her face. “I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.”

Gage needed to get April to the hospital, then go back out there to help find the parents.

After a half hour walk back to the main site, darkness had fallen and East was waiting with another medic and ambulance to see to the girl.

He set the girl down, and the medic looked at her while East checked out Gage.

“Jesus, we need to get you to the hospital.” East examined his leg and the hole he’d cut in his pants to get to his knee. Which was now settling with a nasty bruise over it.

“It looks worse than it is,” Gage said.

East crouched down and lifted his pant leg. “You could have a major tear in your ACL,” he said. “Come on, you’re going to need X-rays.”

“I’m good,” Gage insisted. “My damn knee just comes off the track now and again.”

“Which is not normal,” East said bluntly. “So go get it checked out.”

“Can’t,” Gage said. “The parents are still missing.”

“And there’re teams searching. Including the one you trained yourself. You have to get this looked at. I don’t know how you’re walking right now.”

“No.”

“Soon as it’s checked out, you can come right back to the search, assuming you can walk. Getting yourself lost and hurt out there isn’t helping anyone.”

Gage sighed. Truth was, it’d help to get his knee wrapped, because it was starting to hurt like a motherfucker. “One hour, max.”

“Let’s go, smart-ass, before I cut off your leg just to spite you.”

As the adrenaline wore off a few minutes later, the pain hit hard, radiating up and down his leg. East was right—it was a good thing he hadn’t gone back out into the woods. Maybe it was worse than he’d thought.

“No, no, no, that son of a bitch, no.” Chloe hustled through Beaufort Medical Center, her dress constricting and her hair falling from the fancy updo. People would arrive at the restaurant in an hour for the twentieth anniversary event.

She should have been there. Her restaurant, the town, her mother’s memory—they were all depending on her. Instead, she was running down a hospital hallway, her heart beating in her throat with worry.

East had called to tell her Gage had been hurt on a mission and was in the hospital. Then the call dropped before he could finish, but that information alone was enough to steal the air from her lungs.

He had to be okay. Had to be. She’d kick his ass if he wasn’t.

He was all she cared about. And she prayed with every step she took that he was okay.

“Please…please…” She rounded the corner and found his room. Chloe burst through the door and found him sitting on the side of the bed as a doctor wrapped up his knee.

Gage’s eyes widened. “Chloe? What are you doing here, sweetheart?”

How dare he act so casual? She glanced at his knee, then at his whole leg. He was okay. He was alive. He was hurt, but alive.

She sighed a breath of relief. “East called me and said I had to get here right away. He said you got hurt, and the call was over before he could tell me how bad, and…I was afraid you were…”

She glanced at his knee again as the doctor finished wrapping it.

Gage frowned. “Doc, can you give us a second alone?”

The doctor looked at them both and must have seen something he didn’t want to get in the middle of. “Two minutes. I need to get you a shot of cortisone.”

Once the doctor was gone, Chloe couldn’t help herself. She grabbed Gage and held him close. “You’re okay?”

He held her tightly. “Yes.”

But she pushed against his chest and backed away, shaking her head. “I was so worried you were hurt. Or worse. Maybe even…” She couldn’t finish the thought.

“I’m fine,” he insisted. Part of her wanted him to tell her she was silly. Stupid. He was fine and he was here and he was never going to leave her again. But his eyes were distant, like he didn’t see her at all. His mind was elsewhere. “I have to go.”

“What?” she asked. “You’re hurt. Where are you going?”

“Back out.” He stood and snatched his clothes off of a nearby chair.

Chloe couldn’t believe her eyes. Was he serious? “You can’t go back out.”

“Yes I can,” he snapped. “There are still two people missing.”

She’d never heard his voice so gruff before. “Still? Meaning you found someone already?”

“The little girl. But her parents are still out there.” He shoved his bad knee into one of the dirty, ripped pant legs.

The stupid heels digging into her pinky toe and the flowy dress she’d gotten for the occasion felt silly now. She was standing in lace and silk and had never felt more scared in her life.

“Gage. I know you care about me. But you have to take care of yourself, too.”

He wasn’t listening to her. He tore off the gown and yanked his T-shirt on.

“Gage,” she tried again, moving toward him. “You’re scaring me. I thought everything was back to normal. Completely. And then I get a call and hear you’re…” The truth hit her so hard that she felt it like a smack to the face. “I love you,” she whispered.

“What?” He cupped her shoulders and pulled her back enough to look into her eyes.

“I love you,” she murmured, fighting back tears. “You have to be okay.”

He shook his head and broke eye contact. “I love you, too.” He kissed her cheeks, and then he stepped away from her. “But I have to get back out there.”

It wasn’t enough. Even admitting her feelings for him wasn’t enough to convince him to stay—and it was breaking her heart. “You’re hurt. Aren’t other people looking for the parents?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean anything. I need to be out there.”

Her heart sank. Nothing she said, nothing she did mattered—Gage had made up his mind. He would leave. He didn’t care about his health, he didn’t care about her feelings, he didn’t care about anything other than finding that little girl’s missing parents and making her family whole. And maybe that made him a hero, but it also made the truth undeniable.

“I can’t do this,” she said.

He froze in the middle of tugging on his jacket and finally met her eyes. “What do you mean?”

“It means I. Can’t. Do. This.” He had to go. No, he didn’t have to—he was choosing to. She cared about him. He’d already hurt himself and was still going back out… She didn’t know what else could happen.

“You don’t have to worry about losing me—”

“—if I let you go now,” she finished.

Gage stiffened. “Chloe, you’re not making sense. I know you’re worried, but this isn’t that bad. I get banged up all the time.”

“You can barely walk, and you want to go back out and scale cliffs?” She cupped her forehead, reality hitting hard. This was the one thing she’d never wanted to face—Gage getting hurt. He could die. She wouldn’t know until well after. What if she couldn’t get to him? She’d be stuck there, waiting.

Waiting on him.

Waiting for the next phone call.

Waiting to see if he’d choose to come back to her.

Waiting to see if he survived the next mission.

Waiting.

“I can’t.” She loved him so much it hurt, and she didn’t know what to do. There was no way to make it better. No way to cling to someone who couldn’t be held. She was losing a man she never had the right to hold on to in the first place, a man she knew better than to reach for. But he’d tricked her into opening her heart to feeling something more for him, and now her soul was paying the price.

“Chloe,” he whispered, and pain sliced through his dark eyes. “We can make this work. My job is dangerous, but it’ll get easier to deal with.”

“You could have been hurt worse. Died, even.”

“This isn’t the first time this has happened,” he said. “I always come out okay.”

Her gaze snapped to his. “What do you mean this isn’t the first time?” Her skull felt on the verge of imploding. It seemed so obvious—of course he was putting his life on the line every time he went out there, but she had to ask. “How many times have you come close to dying?”

The muscle in his jaw ticked. “Once.”

Her lungs shut down. This was real. He had almost died. “When?”

“Few weeks ago. Before I came to Beaufort.”

Her mind went numb and her breath caught in her throat. So recently?

“Is that what motivated you to do—to want—all of this?”

He nodded. “But I’m fine,” he added.

“Really?” she said loudly. “Because you don’t look fine. You look like you’re injured and you’re trying to go out anyway.”

“I know my limits,” he growled.

“Clearly,” she said sarcastically. He was a hero. He had to go, had to be out there, no matter the risk. And she knew better than to fall for a man like that. He’d always put himself in danger—which made him someone she could never be with.

Flashes of what could have been, might have been, flickered through her brain, and she fought the urge to retch. He could have died, and she would have never known until he was already gone.

“I love you so much,” she said again. Anger heated every word, because reasonable or not, she was pissed he’d shown her how much she loved him. How much she’d always loved him. “And that’s your fault. You made me love you. And now you’re offering nothing in return.”

“I’m offering you everything I’m able to give.”

“Which is what? You leaving? Coming in and out of my life with no guarantee you’ll ever come back?”

“I’ll come back to you. I’ll always come back, you just have to wait for me.”

And there it was. She had to sit back and wait while he took her heart and soul with him every time he left.

She had to get away from him. She couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe.

“Chloe, I have to get back out there now. That little girl needs me to find her parents.” He yanked on his boots. “Just wait for me. Please. We’ll talk about this later.”

No. She was done waiting. She should have been done with this long ago. Maybe then she could have saved herself the heartache she’d always been afraid of.

“I can’t wait for you,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. It’s not your fault—this is who you are. Go find those parents.”

Gage called her name as she turned and ran out of the hospital, but she didn’t look back.