Текст книги "Deity"

Автор книги: Jennifer L. Armentrout

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 22 страниц)

I still felt out of it. “It’s the cold.”

“You looked like you were going to faint in Marcus’ office and, let’s face it, there is no reason why you couldn’t have taken Jackson down yesterday… or at least moved out of the way. You’ve been looking exhausted, Alex.”

Sighing, I faced him. He was slouched against the wall, hands shoved deep in his pockets. “So what are you doing here?” I asked, seeking to take the focus off me.

Aiden’s expression was knowing. “Watching you.”

Warmth fluttered in my chest. “Really? That’s not creepy or anything.”

A teeny tiny smile appeared. “Well, I’m on duty.”

I glanced around the room. “Do you think there’re daimons in here?”

“I’m not hunting right now.” A lock of wavy, dark brown hair fell into his gray eyes as he tipped his head to the side. “I’ve been given a new assignment.”

“Do tell.”

“Along with my hunting, I’m guarding you.”

I blinked and then I laughed so hard my ribs hurt. “Gods, it must suck to be you.”

His brows furrowed. “Why would you think that?”

“You just can’t get rid of me, can you?” I turned back to the bag, eyeing it for a weak spot. “I mean, not that you want to, but you keep getting saddled with me.”

“I don’t consider it being saddledwith you. Why would you think that?”

I closed my eyes, wondering why I’d even said that. “So, Linard also has a new assignment?”

“Yes. You didn’t answer my question.”

And I wasn’t going to. “Did Marcus ask you to do this?”

“Yes, he did. When you’re not with Seth, it will either be Linard, Leon, or myself keeping watch. There’s a good chance that whoever meant you harm—”

“Minister Telly,” I added, balling up my fist.

“Whoevermeant you harm in the Catskills will try something here. Then there are the furies.”

I punched the bag, immediately wincing as it pulled the sore muscles over my ribs. Should’ve wrapped them first. Stupid. “You guys can’t fight the furies.”

“If they show up, we will try.”

Shaking my hand, I took a step back. “You’ll die trying. Those things—well, you saw what they are capable of. If they come just step out of the way.”

“What?” Disbelief colored his tone.

“I don’t want to see people die for no reason.”

“Die for no reason?”

“You know they’ll just keep coming back, and I don’t want someone to die when it all seems… inevitable.”

The breath that he sucked in was sharp, audible in the small room. “Are you saying you believe your death is inevitable, Alex?”

I pushed the punching bag again. “I don’t know what I’m saying. Just forget it.”

“Something… something is different about you.”

A desire to flee the room filled me, but I faced him instead. I glanced down at my palms. The marks were still there. Why did I keep checking on them like they’d go away or something? “So much has happened, Aiden. I’m not the same person.”

“You were the same person the day you found out about your father,” he said, eyes turning the color of a thundercloud.

Anger began low in my stomach, humming through my veins. “That has nothing to do with this.”

Aiden pushed off the wall, hands coming out of his pockets. “What is this?”

“Everything!” My fingers dug into my palms. “What’s the point in all of this? Let’s just think hypothetically here for a second, okay? Say Telly or whoever doesn’t manage to send me into servitude or kill me and the furies don’t end up tearing me apart, I’m still going to turn eighteen. I’m still going to Awaken. So what’s the point? Maybe I should leave.” I stalked to where I’d dropped my bag. “Maybe Lucian will let me go to Ireland or something. I’d like to visit there before I be—”

Aiden grabbed my upper arm, turning me so that I faced him. “You said you had to stay at the Covenant so you could graduate, because you needed to be a Sentinel more than anyone else in the room.” His voice dropped low as his eyes searched mine intently. “You were passionate about this. Has that changed?”

I yanked on my arm, but he held on. “Maybe.”

The tips of Aiden’s cheekbones flushed. “So you’re giving up?”

“I don’t think it’s giving up. Call it… accepting reality.” I smiled, but it felt icky.

“That is such bull, Alex.”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I’d argued to stay at the Covenant so I could become a Sentinel. And I knew, deep down, I still wanted to become one for my mom, for me, but I wasn’t sure it was what I needed anymore. Or what I could agree with if I was honest with myself. After seeing those servants slaughtered on the floor and no one cared… no one came to help them.

I wasn’t sure I could be a part of any of this.

“You’ve never been one to wallow in self-pity when the odds are stacked against you.”

My jaw snapped. “I’m not wallowing in self-pity, Aiden.”

“Really?” he said so softly. “Just like you aren’t settling for Seth?”

Oh, good gods, not what I wanted to hear. “I’m not settling.” Liar, whispered an evil voice in my head. “I don’t want to talk about Seth.”

He looked away for a second and then settled on me again. “I cannot believe you’ve forgiven him for what… for what he did to you.”

“That wasn’t his fault, Aiden. Seth didn’t give me the brew. He didn’t force—”

“He still knew better!”

“I’m not talking to you about this.” I started to back away.

The hand beside him clenched. “So you are still… with him?”

Part of me wondered what had happened to the Aiden who held me in his arms when I’d told him about my father. That version had been easier to deal with. Then again, obviously I wasn’t behaving like the person I was before either. And a part of me liked the way he said “him”—as if the very name made him want to punch something. “Define ‘with,’ Aiden.”

He stared.

I tipped my head up. “Do you mean am I hanging out with him or are we just friends? Or did you mean to ask if we’re sleeping together?”

His eyes narrowed into thin slits that shone a fierce silver.

“And why are you asking, Aiden?” I pulled back, and he let go. “Whatever the answer is doesn’t even matter.”

“But it does.”

I thought about the marks and what they meant. “You have no idea. It doesn’t. It’s fate, remember?” I grabbed for my bag again, but he caught my arm again. I looked up, exhaling slowly. “What do you want from me?”

Realization crept over his expression, softening the hue of his eyes. “You’re afraid.”

“What?” I laughed, but it came out sounding like a nervous croak. “I’m not afraid.”

Aiden’s eyes drifted over my head and determination settled into his eyes. “Yes. You are.” Without saying anything else, he turned me around and pulled me toward the sensory deprivation chamber.

My eyes shot wide. “What are you doing?”

He kept pulling until we stopped in front of the door. “Do you know what they use this for?”

“Um, to train?”

Aiden glanced down at me, smiling tightly. “Do you know how ancient warriors trained? They used to fight Deimos and Phobos, who used the warriors’ worst fears against them during battle.”

“Thanks for the daily weird god history lesson, but—”

“But since the gods of Fear and Terror have been off the circuit for awhile, they created this chamber. They believe that fighting using only your other senses to guide you is the best way to hone your skills and face your fears.”

“Fears of what?”

He opened the door and a black hole greeted us. “Whatever fears are holding you back.”

I dug in my heels. “I’m not afraid.”

“You’re terrified.”

“Aiden, I am two seconds from—” My own surprised shriek cut me off as he hauled me into the chamber, shutting the door behind him, casting the room in utter darkness. My breath froze in my throat. “Aiden… I can’t see anything.”

“That’s the point.”

“Well, thanks, Captain Obvious.” I reached out blindly, but only felt air. “What do you expect me to do in here?” As soon as the question left my mouth, I was assaulted with totally inappropriate images of all the things we could do in here.

“We fight.”

Well, that blew. I inhaled, catching the scent of spice and ocean. Slowly, I lifted my hand. My fingers brushed against something hard and warm—his chest? Then there was nothing but empty space. Oh gods, this wasn’t going to be good at all.

Suddenly, he grasped my arm and spun me around. “Get into stance.”

“Aiden, I really don’t want to do this right now. I am tired and I got kicked in the—”

“Excuses,” he said, his breath dangerously close to my lips.

I locked up.

His hand was gone. “Get into stance.”

“I am.”

Aiden sighed. “No you’re not.”

“How do you know?”

“I can tell. You haven’t moved,” he said. “Now get into stance.”

“Jeez, are you like a cat that can see in the dark or something?” When he didn’t respond, I groaned and moved into the stance: arms halfway up, legs spread, and feet rooted in place. “All right.”

“You need to face your fears, Alex.”

I squinted, but saw nothing. “I thought you said I was fearless.”

“You usually are.” Suddenly, he was in front of me and his scent was driving me to distraction. “Which is why being scared now is so hard for you. Being afraid isn’t a weakness, Alex. It’s only a sign of something you must overcome.”

“Fear is a weakness.” Expecting him to still be in front of me, I decided to go along with him. I threw an elbow out, but he wasn’t there. And then he was at my back, his breath dancing along the back of my neck. I swung around, grasping air. “What are you afraid of?”

A whoosh of air and he was behind me again. “This isn’t about me, Alex. You’re afraid of losing yourself.”

“Of course not. What was I thinking?” I whipped around, cursing when he was gone. This was making me dizzy. “So why don’t you tell me what I’m afraid of, oh-fearless-one?”

“You’re scared of becoming something you have no control over.” He caught my arm as I swung toward the sound of his voice. “That scares you to death.” He let go, backing off.

He was right, and because of that, anger and embarrassment flooded me. Out of the darkness surrounding me, there was patch thicker than the rest. I threw myself at him. Anticipating the move, he caught me by the shoulders. I swung out, catching him in the stomach and chest.

Aiden pushed me back. “You’re angry because I’m right.”

A hoarse sound moved up my throat. I clamped my mouth shut and swung again. My elbow connected with something. “A Sentinel is never afraid. They’d never tuck tail and run.”

“Are you tucking tail and running, Alex?”

The air stirred around me, and I jumped, narrowly missing what was probably a perfect leg sweep. “No!”

“That’s not what it sounded like earlier,” he said. “You wanted to take Lucian up on his offer. Visit Ireland?”

“I… I was…” Dammit, I hated it when he was right.

Aiden laughed from somewhere in the darkness.

I followed the sound. Going too far, too caught up in my anger, I lost my sense of balance when I attacked. Aiden caught my arm, but neither of us could gain our footing in the darkness. When I fell, he came with me. I landed on my back, with Aiden right on top of me.

Aiden caught my wrists before I could hit him again, pinning them above my head and down on the mats. “You always let your emotions get the best of you, Alex.”

I tried to push him off, not trusting myself to speak. A sob was rising in my throat as I wiggled under him, managing to get one leg free.

“Alex,” he warned softly. He pressed down, and when he breathed in, his chest rose against mine. In the utter darkness of the sensory deprivation room, his breath was warm against my lips. I didn’t dare move. Not even a fraction of an inch.

His grip around my wrists slackened and his hand slipped over my shoulder, cupping my cheek. My heart was trying to come out of my chest in those seconds and every muscle locked up, tensed with anticipation. Was he going to kiss me? No. My lip was busted, but if he did, I wouldn’t stop him and I knew that was so wrong. Chills went down my spine, and I relaxed under him.

“It’s okay to be afraid, Alex.”

I threw my head back then, wanting to be far away from him as much as I wanted to be right where I was.

“But you have nothing to fear.” He guided my chin down with gentle fingers. “When will you learn?” His voice was heavy, gruff. “You’re the only person who has control over who you become. You’re too strong to ever lose yourself. I believe that. Why can’t you?”

My breath came out shaky. His faith in me was nearly my undoing. The swelling in my chest would’ve lifted me off the mats. Several moments passed before I could speak. “What are you afraid of?” I asked again.

“I thought you said I was afraid of nothing once,” he threw back.

“I did.”

Aiden shifted slightly and his thumb caressed the curve of my cheek. “I’m afraid of something.”

“What?” I whispered.

He drew in a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m afraid of never being allowed to feel what I do.”

CHAPTER 7

THE AIR HITCHED AS I TRIED TO BREATHE. I WISHED I could see his face, his eyes. I wanted to know what he was thinking right at this moment, to touch him. But I lay there, my heart the only part of me that was moving.

His thumb brushed my cheek once more. “That’s what scares me.” Then he lifted himself off me. He backed up, the mats rolling under his unsteady step. “I’ll be in the other training room when you’re ready… to walk back to your dorm.”

There was a brief flash of light from the outside training rooms when he slipped out the door and then darkness covered me again.

I didn’t move but my brain raced on. He was afraid of never being allowed to feel what he did. Gods, I wasn’t stupid, but I wished I was. I knew what he meant and also knew it didn’t mean a damn thing. Part of me was angry, because he dared to say it when all it did was make my chest heavy with an aching want—a want so intense that it felt like it could crush me under its weight. And why admit it now, when I’d begged him before to just tell me he felt the same and he’d denied it? What was so different now?

And he was right about the other thing. I was terrified of becoming something I couldn’t control, of losing myself to the bond, to Seth. It seemed like, even if I got past all the other obstacles in my way, there was thatone—the one I couldn’t hurdle over with good oie Alex recklessness.

The door opened again and the soft murmur of two male voices floated through the room. There was a deep, husky chuckle as the mats dipped under their feet. I could’ve said something, but I was too lost in my own thoughts to even utter a single word.

A second later, feet tangled with my legs and a surprised yelp sounded. The mats gave way as a body crashed down, half-sprawled atop me. I let out an “oomph”and pushed the hands off my chest.

“Gods, Alex!” exclaimed Luke, rolling off me and sitting up. “Holy Hades, what are you doing in here?”

“How’d you know it was me by just feeling up my boobs?” I grumbled, throwing an arm over my face.

“It’s a superpower.”

“Wow.”

Luke snorted. I felt the mats roll as he faced his silent, mystery partner. “Hey,” Luke said. “Can you give us a few minutes?”

“Sure. Whatever,” the guy responded, dipping back out the door. The voice was super familiar, but as best as I tried, I couldn’t place it.

“Pervert,” I said. “What have you been using these rooms for, Luke? Naughty.”

He laughed. “I’ll go with something a hell of a lot more entertaining and normal than what you’ve been using them for. You’re the one lying in a dark sensory room like a little freak. What are you doing in here? Plotting to take out the Covenant? Meditating? Self-pleasuring?”

I made a face. “Don’t you have something better to do?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Then go. This room is already occupied.”

Luke sighed. “You’re being ridiculous.”

I thought that was funny considering he had no idea why I was being a “little freak” in the sensory room. Luke had no idea what had just gone on in here. He probably thought I was hiding from everybody or having some sort of mental breakdown. That last part was still up in the air and could be a strong possibility. If it’d been Caleb who’d stumbled upon me, he would’ve known. I sucked in a sharp breath.

Missing him wasn’t getting any easier, I realized suddenly.

“It sucks not having any friends, doesn’t it?” Luke asked after a few moments.

I frowned. “You know, it’s a good thing you can’t become a therapist, because you really suck at the whole ‘making people feel better about themselves’ thing.”

“But you do have friends,” he continued as if I hadn’t said a damn thing. “You just seem to have forgotten us.”

“Like who?”

“Like me.” Luke stretched out beside me. “And there’s Deacon. And Olivia.”

I snorted. “Olivia hates my guts.”

“She does not.”

“Bullshit.” I dropped my arm, facing him in the darkness. “She blames me for Caleb’s death. You heard her the day at his funeral and in the hallway yesterday.”

“She’s hurt, Alex.”

“I’m hurt, too!” I sat up, crossing my legs.

The mats shook as Luke rolled onto his side. “She loved Caleb. As impractical as it is for any of us to love someone, she loved him.”

“And I loved him. He was mybest friend, Luke. She blames me for my best friend’s death.”

“She doesn’t blame you anymore.”

I smoothed back the tiny hairs that had escaped my ponytail. “When did that happen? In the last twenty-four hours?”

Undaunted, Luke sat up and somehow found my hand in the darkness. “The day she came up to you in the hallway, she wanted to apologize to you.”

“That’s funny, because I remember her saying something like I needed to rein in my grief.” I didn’t pull my hand away from his, because it did feel kind of nice for someone to touch me and nothing freaky happen. “Is that a new form of apology I’m unaware of?”

“I don’t know what she was thinking. She wanted to apologize, but you wouldn’t stop to talk to her,” Luke explained softly. “She lost it. She was a bitch about it. Olivia knows that. Then you owning her ass in front of everyone didn’t help, either.”

The old Alex would have snickered at that, but it didn’t make me feel good.

“You need to talk to her, Alex. You both need each other right now.”

I pulled my hand free and came to my feet swiftly. The room suddenly felt stifling and unbearable. “I don’t need her or anyone.”

Luke was standing beside me in an instant. “And that was probably the most childish thing you’ve ever said.”

I narrowed my eyes in his general direction. “And I have something even more childish to say to you. I’m like two seconds from hitting you.”

“That’s not very nice,” Luke teased, stepping around me. “You need friends, Alex. As hot as Seth is, he can’t be your only friend. You need girl time. You need someone you can cry to, someone who isn’t trying to get in your pants. You need someone who wants to be around you not because of what you are, but who you are.”

My jaw hit the mat. “Wow.”

Luke must have sensed my stunned response, because he laughed. “Everyone knows what you are, Alex. And most people think it’s pretty damn cool. What they don’t think is cool—the reason why everyone is avoiding you—is your attitude. Everyone gets that you’re hurt over Caleb and what happened with your mom. We understand that, but that doesn’t mean we have to tolerate your constant bitchiness.”

I opened my mouth to tell Luke that I wasn’t the one being the bitch, that it was all of them who’d been treating me like a three-headed dog since I’d returned—and even before then—but nothing came out. Besides spending time with Seth, I had isolated myself from everyone.

And sometimes I was a terrible person. I had reasons—good reasons, but they were just excuses. Weight settled over my chest.

In the silence and darkness surrounding us, Luke found me and wrapped his arms around my stiff shoulders. “Well, maybe we do have to tolerate it a little bit. You are an Apollyon after all.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “And even though you’ve been a giant bitch, we still love you and we’re worried.”

A lump formed in my throat. I fought it, really I did, but I felt tears stinging my eyes as my muscles started to relax. My head somehow found his shoulder and he patted my back soothingly. For a moment, I could believe that Luke was Caleb and in my head, I pretended that I told him everything that had happened. My make-believe Caleb smiled at me, held me closer, and ordered me to pull my head out of my ass. That no matter what had happened and everything I learned, the world hadn’t ended and wasn’t going to.

And for the time being, that seemed to be enough.

Aiden was waiting for me when I finally pulled myself out of the sensory room. He didn’t say anything as we headed outside. Both of us had said and probably thought too much as it was. There wasn’t any awkwardness between us, but there was this vast sense of… uncertainty. Although, it could just’ve been I was projecting my own feelings onto him.

We made our way up the walkway, heading toward the dorms. The wind kicked up sand and there was a cold, damp feeling in the air as we neared the garden.

Two pure boys were staring at the marble statue of Apollo reaching for Daphne as she changed into a tree. One elbowed the other. “Hey, look. Apollo is getting wood.”

His friend laughed. I rolled my eyes.

“Alex.” There was something about Aiden’s voice, a roughness that told me that whatever he was about to say was going to be powerful. His gaze moved to my face, then behind me. “What the hell?”

Not what I was expecting.

Aiden brushed past me, solely focused on something other than me. Dammit. I whirled around. “You don’t– oh.”

Now I saw what had cut Aiden off.

Two half guys carried a barely conscious Jackson between them—a hardly recognizable Jackson. He looked like he’d woken up on the wrong side of an ass kicking. Every visible inch of his skin was bruised or bloodied—eyes swelled shut, lips split wide open—and the deep, angry mark smeared across his left cheek suspiciously resembled a boot print.

“What happened to him?” Aiden demanded, taking the place of one of the halfs and practically supporting all of the boy’s weight.

The half shook his head. “I don’t know. We found him like this in the courtyard.”

“I… I fell,” Jackson said, blood and spit trickling from his mouth. I think he was missing some teeth.

A dubious expression crossed Aiden’s face. “Alex, please go straight to your dorm.”

Nodding mutely, I stepped out of the way. I was still pissed at Jackson. He had tried to stomp my head in, but what had been done to him was horrific and calculating. Compared to the fist Aiden had planted in his face when Jackson had…

My wide eyes met Aiden’s for a second before he carried Jackson off toward the med building. My conversation with Seth came back to me.

“So, who did you spar with in class?”he’d asked.

“I always get paired with Jackson.”

My gods, Seth had done this.

It appeared that Seth was avoiding me for the most part, probably because of the whole ham sandwich incident. Our practices were either cancelled or consisted of working on my mental shields. For a whole week, whenever I saw him, I asked him about Jackson. With a look of complete innocence, he’d told me he hadn’t done it. I didn’t believe him and I’d told him just that.

He’d looked at me, expression beautifully empty and said, “Now why would I ever do such a thing?”

I didn’t want to believe that he had, because whoever had done that to Jackson had put him out of commission for a long time. Jackson wasn’t talking, literally. His jaw was wired shut, and I’d heard he needed a lot of dental work. Even though he’d heal a lot quicker than a mortal, I knew he still wouldn’t talk. The boy had had the ever-loving crap scared out of him.

And even though I didn’t want to believe it was Seth, I couldn’t shake my suspicions. Who else would do such a thing to Jackson? Seth had motive—a motive that made me feel ill. If he’d done it, it’d been because of what Jackson had done to me in class. But how could he do something so… violent, so unstable? That question haunted me.

The one good thing was that the weird funk that had settled over me like an itchy blanket faded. A tiny part of me missed Seth’s company in the evenings and the way he always managed to turn me into a human body pillow during the night, but there was another part of me that was sort of relieved. Like there wasn’t anything additional expected from me.

Even though no one tried to drug or kill me, Linard and Aiden still followed me around. And when they were busy, it was Leon’s massive shadow that lurked behind me. I’d taken to hanging around the training rooms even on the days Seth and I wouldn’t practice. I knew that Aiden would eventually find me there. We didn’t talk about being afraid again, but we sort of just… hung out… in the training room.

It sounded lame, but it was like the old times, before everything got so incredibly screwed up. Sometimes Leon popped in on us. He never seemed surprised or suspicious. Not even the last time, when we’d been sitting with our backs against the wall, arguing about whether or not ghosts existed.

I didn’t believe in them.

Aiden did.

Leon had thought we were both idiots.

But damn, I looked forward to it. Just sitting there and talking. No training. No trying to tap in and use akasha. Those moments with Aiden, even when Leon decided to join us, were my favorite part of the day.

I hadn’t choked Olivia again, but things were super-awkward when I did see her—no big surprise there. But I did start eating my lunch in the cafeteria with Seth. After the second day, Luke joined us, then Elena, and finally Olivia. We didn’t talk, but we also didn’t yell anything at each other.

Some things didn’t change, though. The mortal holidays of Christmas and New Year came and went, along with most of January. Most of the pures still seemed to expect every half to turn into an evil-aether-sucking creature and jump them. Deacon, Aiden’s brother, was one of the few who braved sitting next to us in class or talking to us around campus. Another thing that hadn’t changed was my inability to write a letter to my father. What was I supposed to say? I had no idea. Each night that I’d been alone, I’d started a letter, and then stopped. Paper balls littered my floor.

“Just write what you’re feeling, Alex. You’re overthinking it,” Aiden had said after I’d complained. “You’ve known that he’s been alive for two months now. You need to just write without thinking.”

Two months? It hadn’t felt that long. And that meant I had a little over a month before I Awakened. Maybe I was trying to slow time down. Either way, my feelings were all over the place, and if my father was as competent as I believed him to be, I didn’t want him to think I had issues.

So after practice with Seth, I gathered up my notebook and headed over to one of the less crowded rec rooms. Curling up in the corner of a bright red sofa, I stared at a blank page and chewed on the end of my pen.

Linard took up position at the door, looking bored. When he caught me watching him, I made a face and returned to gazing at the blue lines on the paper. Luke interrupted a few times, trying to lure me into a game of air hockey.

When his shadow fell across my notebook again, I groaned. “I don’t want to…”

Olivia stood in front of me, wearing a thick cashmere sweater I immediately started lusting after. Her brown eyes were wide.

“Uh… sorry,” I said. “I thought you were Luke.”

She smoothed a hand over her curly hair. “He’s trying to get you to play skee ball?”

“No. He moved on to air hockey.”

Her laugh was nervous as she glanced over at the group by the arcade games. Then she squared her shoulders as she gestured at the spot beside me. “Can I sit?”

My stomach turned over. “Yeah, if you want.”

Olivia sat, running her hands over her jean-clad legs. Several moments passed without either of us speaking. She was the first to break the silence. “So, how… how have you been?”

It was a loaded question, and my laugh came out choked and harsh. I brought the notepad to my chest as I glanced over at Luke. He was pretending not to have noticed us together.

She let out a little breath and started to rise. “Okay. I guess—”

“I’m sorry.” My voice was low, words hoarse. I felt my cheeks burn, but I forced myself to keep going. “I’m sorry for everything, especially the thing in the hallway.”

Olivia squeezed her thighs. “Alex—”

“I know you loved Caleb and all I’ve been thinking about is my own hurt.” I closed my eyes and swallowed down the lump in my throat. “I really do wish I could go back and change everything that night. I’ve thought a million times about all the things we could’ve done differently.”

“You shouldn’t… do that to yourself,” she said quietly. “At first, I didn’t want to know what really happened, you know? Like the details. I just couldn’t… deal with knowing for awhile, but I finally got Lea to tell me everything about a week ago.”

I bit my lip, unsure of what to say. She hadn’t accepted my apology, but we were talking.

She drew in a shallow breath, eyes gleaming. “She told me that Caleb saved her. That you were fighting another daimon, and if he hadn’t grabbed her, she would’ve died.”

I nodded, clenching the notebook. Memories of the night surfaced, of Caleb streaking past me.

“He was really brave, wasn’t he?” Her voice caught.

“Yes,” I agreed passionately. “He didn’t even hesitate, Olivia. He was so fast and so good, but the daimon… was just faster.”

She blinked several times, and her lashes looked damp. “You know, he told me what happened in Gatlinburg. Everything you guys went through and how you got him out of the house.”

“It was luck. They—my mom and the others—started fighting. I didn’t do anything special.”

Olivia looked at me then. “He thought the world of you, Alex.” She paused, laughing quietly. “When we first started dating, I was jealous of you. It was like I couldn’t live up to everything you guys had together. Caleb really loved you.”

“I loved him.” I took a breath. “And he loved you, Olivia.”

Her smile was watery. “I guess I needed to blame someone. It could’ve been Lea, or the Guards who failed to keep the daimons out. I don’t know. It’s just that you’re this unstoppable force—you’re an Apollyon.” Springy curls bounced as she shook her head. “And—”

“I’m not an Apollyon, yet. But I get what you’re saying. I’m sorry.” I squeezed the wire on the notebook. “I just wish—”

“And I’msorry.”

My head jerked toward her.