Текст книги "Pure Abandon"

Автор книги: Jeannine Colette

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Текущая страница: 19 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

The TV sits on a dresser in the corner, yet I have no desire to turn it on. I just let my beautiful husband walk out the door and I didn’t even put up a proper fight. In fact, I let him feel like shit about himself. Why didn’t I say something more? I should have told him about the night Jackson was born. How scared I was, yet he was right by my side, comforting me, encouraging me the entire time. And how, when we brought him home, I was so scared of being a new mom and he assured me we would learn to do this together. I never doubted how I’d be as a mom because Gabriel was by my side.

I should have told him about that time we backpacked through Europe and missed our train. We didn’t know whether we had to sleep in a hostel or in a car or in a park. I didn’t care because he was always ready with a plan and never faltered to protect us.

Or the night before our wedding when the DJ called with the flu and cancelled on us. He said it didn’t matter if there was silence because we had our entire lives to dance. All he wanted to do was marry me. I have a thousand stories I should have told him, but I didn’t.

My pity party is disrupted by a knock at the door. I place the bottle of water on the dresser and make my way toward the door. My heart melts seeing him standing in my doorway.

Gabriel’s right arm is stretched up against the doorframe. I can feel his weight swaying toward me as I open the door. He stands there, looking down at me with sheer determination.

“Did you forget something?” I ask.

“I met this girl once. She had this long brown hair and gorgeous green eyes, and she had the most incredible smile I’ve ever seen. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.” He takes a step toward me. So close we’re almost touching. “Tonight, I saw her again, and I’ll be damned if I don’t take her home just like I did then.”

No sooner is he finished with his sentence than his body crashes into mine. Two warm hands grab me by each side of my face as his mouth lands on mine. My lips immediately part and welcome him in. His tongue is hot and burning with desire. We are all mouths and tongues and hands and body heat. His strong, lean body presses up against me.

I let out a moan as his mouth moves from my lips and finds the nape of my neck. His wet tongue French kisses my skin. My body quivers. He raises his head briefly, and I get a good look at his face. Navy blue turns midnight in carnal lust.

Gabriel spins me around, forcing my hands to brace myself against the mahogany post of the four-poster bed. He moves my hair off my back until it’s cascading off my shoulder and down my front. Long, strong fingers move the spaghetti straps of my dress so they slip down my arm. His lips find my skin once more and kiss and lavish every nerve ending, sending shivers down my body. My body instinctually falls back into Gabriel.

His fingers glide the zipper of my dress down and gravity pulls it slowly to the floor. I’m left in nothing but white panties and a matching strapless bra.

Gabriel steps back, forcing me to turn around. “I want to hate you,” he murmurs under his breath.

I bite my lip at the sight of tears. Slowly, I approach him, gazing into his eyes. They are downshifted and away. I catch their attention with my own and bring him back to the moment. Holding up my right hand, I gently place it on his cheek. His eyes furrow as if he’s trying to fight it. Instead, he lays his head into my palm and closes his eyes, relishing my touch.

I lean up and place my other hand on his other cheek and place a soft kiss on his forehead and whisper, “I love you.”

I do the same, kissing his eyes. “I love you.”

His nose. “I love you.”

His cheek. “I love you.”

His temple. “I love you.”

His lips. “I love you.”

I lean back, and he opens his eyes. His heart caving in, Gabriel leans forward and wraps his hands around my waist and pulls me into him, kissing me passionately, his animalistic need replaced with love and desire.

No words are said. Everything that needs to be told is done so through touches, glances, tickles, and kisses. We have a conversation without words. Mine are words of love and his are of acceptance. We make love three times before the sun comes up. He makes my ears burn red hot more times in one evening than I can count.

The rosy hues of the sun are coming up over the horizon when I finally curl on my side with my back against Gabriel’s chest. He drapes his arm around mine, playing with my hair before my eyes shut blissfully.

The sun is risen and cheerful. The heat pools through the window, yet I’m cold. I’m missing my very warm blanket. My Gabriel.

I roll over and place my hand onto the warm mattress. He must have just gotten up. I sit up in the bed and look around the room.

His clothes are missing from the floor, his wallet and watch nowhere to be seen. Did he leave? Would he leave after what transpired last night… and this morning?

Relief washes through me when the bathroom door opens and Gabriel exits, pulling a crewneck shirt over his chest. I blush thinking about the things I did to that chest last night. His chest, his thighs, his lips…

Gabriel sees me sitting in the middle of the bed and stops in his tracks. He looks hesitant, nervous even. What’s the matter with him? It feels like our first time all over again.

“Morning,” he states politely, moving to the chair in the corner of the room. He sits down and puts on a fresh pair of socks. He looks perplexed. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

He looks handsome in a white waffle-weave shirt and blue jeans. He steps into brown loafers and adjusts his watch. “I’m going to the house to get Jack. Thought maybe we’d go to the park for a few hours.” He glances out the window. “It looks like it’s going to rain, so I want to get out before the downpour begins.”

My heart nearly bounces out of my chest at the thought of Gabriel coming home. Wrapping the sheet around me, I start to make my way off the bed, surprised I have the need for modesty after ten years and last night’s extracurricular activities. “Give me a few minutes. I’ll just throw on…”

“No. You should stay,” he states, grabbing his wallet and keys off the dresser.

What’s going on here? For a man who just made love to me last night, he’s not acting like he should.

My feet stop moving. I turn around slowly. Gabriel is on the other side of the room, yet his soul feels like he’s miles away.

“Gabriel?” My voice is hesitant. Does he know what I’m asking? I look down at the sheet, afraid to see the answer in his eyes.

I hear him breathe and sense the resignation in his tone. “I don’t want you to go home with me, Kat.” His voice is steady and sure.

I bite my lower lip to keep it from trembling.

Breathe, Kat. Just breathe.

“You don’t want me?”

He doesn’t answer. I look up to meet his face, but he’s looking away. His brow is formed in a V, his lips mashed together.

“Answer me, Gabriel!” My voice is shaky yet commanding.

“No.” His eyes dart toward the door. “I don’t want you to go with me.”

“But why?” I cry. “After everything we shared last night, I thought we were fixed.”

His breathing is deep and steady, his attention still focused on the door. He’s trying to hold himself together. “I… I love you so much, Kat. More than you ever gave me credit for. Finding out what you did, that killed me. I lost a piece of my heart that I won’t ever get back.” He lifts a bag off the floor and walks to the door.

Everything happens in slow motion. It feels like it takes him hours to walk across the room and a decade to head out the door. I know I should say something. Begging comes to mind. I have no words. Defeated is the proper verb. Before I know it, he’s out the door, again.

With the sheets still wrapped around my shoulders, I fall to the ground. My forehead hits the bedpost.

Should I chase him?

What am I supposed to do now?

Nothing.

There’s nothing more I can do. I can’t chase him anymore. What we had is dead. I saw it in his eyes. He doesn’t want me anymore, and I destroyed the best thing I ever had.

In the most audacious walk of shame I’ve ever known, I step through the lobby of The Inn in my thousand-dollar gown and head to Gwen’s car to retrieve my gym bag. Gwen thought I should start going to the gym again to relieve stress. The bag has been sitting in her car for two weeks.

I ignore the stares and glares from the receptionist on my way out, but there was no avoiding them on my way in. Yes, I slept with a man last night in this hotel. If they only knew I was the adulteress having an affair with her own husband.

The “other man” was waiting for me at a hotel in the city, waiting for my answer. Oh, Asher, you were such a vital part of my life, and now I rue the day I met you. There are so many aspects of him I am drawn to, but he’s no good for me.

The man I love doesn’t love me anymore, and the man I lust for says he loves me. What does this mean? Is Gabriel leaving me this morning a cosmic sign that I am meant to be at the W Hotel right now starting my new life with Alexander Asher?

I strip out of the gown and change into my black yoga pants and matching zip-up and lace up my sneakers. I have to get out of here.

I walk out of The Inn and head toward the train station. I’m afraid if my nerves get the better of me, I’ll crash the car.

There’s no use in going home. I can’t face Gabriel right now, and Gwen will have to wait for her daily update on the drama that is my life. I’m going to ask her to stay with Jackson and me permanently. Turns out I need my mother after all.

She never did tell me what she would have done if my dad never passed away. Would she have started a new life with the other man? Is he who she was meant to be with? Did she only stay with my dad out of obligation?

Is that why I want Gabriel? Because we took a vow and I feel obligated to him? Is Asher the man I should really be with?

Mrs. Kathryn Asher. It has a really nice ring to it. We would be the Ashers. Our kids could have his bronze skin with my green eyes. I’ll even let them have his golden highlights. Jackson will love his new siblings. He’s so young; he’ll never know any other life.

How sad. He’ll never know a life when Gabriel and I were together. Tears pour down my cheeks, but I wipe them away. No, Asher and I will have a great life. We’ll spend the first two years naked and loving each other. The way we did in Miami.

Miami. Before that trip, I didn’t know how he felt about me. And I have feelings for him too. Otherwise, I would never have landed in his bed. And yesterday, he was so kind and considerate. He said he’d give me time. He knew I’d return.

The train comes to a stop at Penn Station, and I make my way to the restroom. I splash water on my face and apply mascara and a little lip-gloss. Despite my morning sobfest, I feel surprisingly rested.

Probably because for the first time in a long time, I know what I want.

I take the escalator up the terminal and exit onto Eighth Avenue. The sky is dark and cloudy. The wind picks up. I relish the heaviness of the air. It matches how I feel.

I make my way down Forty-Second Street and walk across town. With each block, the heaviness of my heart sinks deeper. Am I making the right decision?

Lexington Avenue is quiet, as it usually is on Saturday. The cars move steadily up and down the street. I see the building in front of me. I should move my feet, but I can’t. They feel like lead. A drop of water falls from the sky.

We met on a day just like this. Grey skies and wind. Another drop falls and I look up. Another falls and then another. Yes, we met on a day just like today. That was when my life changed forever. On the other side of the street is a man who wants me. And I want him.

If I could take it all back, would I?

I’m standing on a corner in the rain. How did I get here? How did I come to this point in the road?

The rain starts to pour, the drops heavier. I don’t have an umbrella. I didn’t have an umbrella that day.

The corner is wet, my clothes are soaked, but I can’t move. I’m here to see him. 

Asher gave me an umbrella. “So you never get caught in the rain again.” Yet, here I am. In the rain. Again.

Him.

Asher.

There he is, walking out the front door of the hotel. Right where he’s supposed to be.

He said he’d be here, and he is.

Through the parting umbrellas, I can see his face. Those golden eyes and chiseled chin striking against his broad shoulders and strong thighs.

That could all be mine.

He’s carrying an umbrella, shielding him from the rain.

The white pearl handle covered by his strong hands.

So in control. So dry. 

He will take care of me.

He’s wearing grey. That’s the color. The color that defines my life.

He said it himself.

Nothing is black and white.

Just grey.

Gray.

I want to run, dash across the street and grab him. Hold him in my arms, feel his tongue in my mouth.

I want to caress him, feel his hand under my skirt. But my legs are lead. I cannot move. 

He’s waiting for me. This is my moment.

But do I turn to him or run away?

Far away.

What do I do?

What would you do?

Who would you chose?

Warm rays hit the deck of the boat as I raise my head to bask in the glorious day. Resting my head on the cushion, I lean back and let the heat hit my face. You can only get this sunshine in the South.

The boat is docked, and we’re getting ready to depart. I don’t know a thing about boats. My family was all about baseball. It took me a while to adjust to my new lifestyle, but I couldn’t be happier.

“Enjoying the sun?” Gwen says, coming out of the cabin below, holding my son, Gray. “I think someone is hungry.”

Gwen places my baby boy in my arms. I put my finger in his mouth and he sucks immediately. Yes, someone is very hungry. Gwen laughs with her “a grandmother always knows” attitude. I smile back as she returns to the cabin.

This sailboat isn’t your average dingy. Gwen says it’s a yacht. When you step inside the boat, there is a sectional sofa with a seating area to the right and television console to the left. Behind that living room is a dining area, to the right a kitchen. There are two bedrooms and two bathrooms, not to mention a small captain’s quarters. The wood glistens under the pin lighting and the cream colors of the carpet and furniture upholstery make the space look luxurious.

I feed and burp the baby before taking him inside the cabin, settling him in his bassinet. Grayson is the newest addition to our family. Jackson is so in love with his little brother. He gives him kisses daily. When he’s not smothering him with hugs that is.

“Where is Jackson?” I ask.

“Your men are on the dock, looking at the big boats.”

I step outside and look down the dock for my husband and child. Two years ago, I never would have thought I could be this happy. With all the trepidation and what-ifs that played in my head, I know I’m exactly where I belong.

I remember the day I had to make the most important decision of my life. I was standing in the rain, watching Asher exit the W Hotel.

I was just about to step away when golden eyes caught me. I couldn’t move. I was frozen.

Surprised to see me standing there drenched in the rain, Asher left his entourage and started toward me. He leapt off the curb and ran across the street.

Seeing him darting toward me, my feet found their stride and I started to move. I had to get away.

“Kathryn!” he called out, dropping the white pearl-handled umbrella to gain distance. The rain picked up. I knew I shouldn’t, but I turned around anyway, and just like the day we met, I was entrapped.

“Where are you going?” he asked, sounding confused, and he had every right to be. I showed up, but I was walking away.

Looking at him, that one last time, my heart clenched so tight. The man who captured my soul and became my greatest friend, who had professed his love and life to me, was in front of me. The man who was so powerful and commanding was falling apart in front of me, as he slowly understood what it was I was about to do. And for a split second, I was afraid I was making the wrong choice.

“I came to say good-bye, but I couldn’t do it.” My hands rose to my face and wiped away hair that was sticking to me from the rain and wind.

“You know what that means, right? It means you love me. You can’t say good-bye.” He took a step toward me, placing his hands in mine.

I quickly pulled my hands away from his, afraid if I let him touch me I wouldn’t be able to pull away.

“No, Asher. You have it all wrong. I don’t love you. I never did.” I waited a second for my words to set in. “You have been an amazing friend to me. You showed me there is more to my life, that I don’t need to settle. You make my life make sense. For me that means I needed to meet you to know exactly what I want.”

“What do you want?” His face twisted in discomfort.

“I want my family. I love my husband. I love Gabriel.”

His body stands straight, and he puts on his affront. “But I told you I loved you.” His words are pained.

“Yes, you love me as much as I love you.” I place my hand on his shoulder. “But it’s not the love you deserve. You don’t want to marry me. You don’t want to have children with me. You deserve so much more, and you will get it. I think for the first time in your life, you’re ready for it. Now you just need to meet the right person. Some day you will meet her and you’ll let her know who the real Alexander Asher is. I only skimmed the surface. There is so much more you’re willing to give. You just have to find the one to give it to.”

Asher stood in front of me, soaked from head to toe. The commanding man who always got what he wanted was truly nothing more than just that, a man. “I told you I always get what I want.”

He does. He did. But…

“Not this time.”

Asher shook his head and looked almost pained. He always marveled that I was the one who told it like it was. And, with him, I could. I found my voice again with him. I discovered who I was, who the new Kathryn is.

He reached for my hand, and this time, I let him. I wasn’t afraid anymore.

“I’ll never forget you.”

I smiled right back. “I will hold you in my heart forever.”

Taking my hand back, I turned to head toward the subway, but Asher called out, “Take the car. Devon will take you where you have to go.”

My body is soaked and there’s no way I’ll hail a cab. Even still, I can’t take his car. “No, this is something I have to do on my own.”

And I left. Leaving the beautiful, exotic, successful, philanthropic man who had more to give than I would ever deserve on a street corner in the rain.

My heart leaps when I see them. My two men, holding hands, walking down the dock toward me with their navy eyes and wavy, dark hair. They are twins.

“Let’s go get Mommy!” Gabriel says to Jackson, and the two run down the dock toward me.

My nerves catch up to me. I hate when he lets Jackson run on the dock. Especially since he’s not wearing his life jacket.

Gabriel hands Jackson to me, and I raise him over the railing.

“Hi, Mommy!” My sweet angel beams. “Look what I have!” He holds out his small hand to show me a plastic bag of goldfish crackers. “I was feeding the fish with fish!” His cherub cheeks lift into an angelic smile.

“That’s awesome. Did you and Daddy have fun?”

“Uh-huh. Where’s Grayson?” Jackson says as he shoves a handful of goldfish in his mouth.

“He’s inside with Grandma.” I give Jackson a quick kiss before he runs inside to see his little brother.

Grayson Monroe, my second angel. My new beginning. When I finally changed my name to Kathryn Monroe, it felt good. And when we were blessed with a second little boy, I knew there was no greater way to keep that piece of my family with me.

Gabriel lets out a laugh and kisses my hair. His fingers twist the soft curls in his hands. I let out a sigh. This is bliss.

“What are you thinking about?” he says with his lips pressed up against the top of my head.

“Just how happy I am.” I smile and nuzzle closer.

“Good. Me too,” he says.

And we are. It’s amazing to think we almost weren’t.

Gabriel starts the engine of the boat and drives it out toward the sea. The delicious scent and taste of the salt air brings on a sense of serenity. Once Gabriel guides the boat out of the harbor, the real fun begins.

With the boat as close to the eye of the wind as possible, Gabriel pulls the mainsail with the boom slightly over the transom. Since I’m a terrible seaman, Gabriel has hired a deckhand to help him drive the boat. Seeing him pulling ropes, moving beams, and cranking away, I know he’s in his glory. This is where he should have always been.

When the boat is cruising windward, Gabriel relinquishes complete control of the boat to the deckhand and takes a seat on the cushions of the deck sofa and holds his arms out to me. I slide into the crook of his arm and pull my feet up on the couch. I curl up as close as I can get to Gabriel without climbing on top of him.

“Now this is the life,” he says with his Robert Redford megawatt smile beaming into the sunset.

“Yes, this is where we should have been all along,” I gush.

“So you don’t regret selling the house?” he asks.

“Not one bit.”

“You don’t regret moving to sunny Florida?”

“Never.” I scrunch my nose at the thought of being anywhere else.

Gabriel lets out a laugh. I lean over and kiss him deeply and passionately.

It was never a choice of Asher or Gabriel. The choice was whether I would continue to fight for Gabriel.

I never loved Asher.

It was always my Gabe.

After my corner encounter with Asher in the rain, I found my way back home. By that time, the rain had died down. I, on the other hand, was still wet, but it didn’t matter.

Gabriel’s car was still in the driveway. I made it in time.

“Gabriel!” I called out as soon as I entered the front door. I ran into the living room. “Gabriel!”

“What are you shouting about?” Gwen said as she entered the kitchen holding Jackson.

“Where is Gabriel?” I asked

“He left about ten minutes ago,” she answered. “Is everything okay?”

I looked out the window. I could see his car. “His car is in the driveway.”

“He must have gone for a walk.” She looked out the window. “I don’t know why. It rained the entire time he was here. What’s the matter?”

I ran out of the kitchen and out the door. I had to find him.

Exiting the house, I looked up and down the street. He was nowhere to be found. There was only one place he could possibly have gone.

I ran to the park. There was nowhere else close enough to walk to. I took the path I knew he usually strolled with Jackson and followed it up a hill. As soon as I rounded the bend, I saw him standing at the top of the hill, walking away from me.

“Gabe!”

Wearing a white shirt and jeans, he turned around at the sound of my voice, his face a mixture of surprise, confusion, and what I could only hope was elation.

I slowed my pace as I tried to catch my breath. My run turned into a power walk. Gabriel stood in place, waiting for me to get to the top of the hill.

“What are you doing here?” He was exasperated.

“I want my family back. I want you and me and Jackson. We are a family, and families don’t give up. They fight. They fight every day for what’s right. I know I betrayed our family and I know I hurt you. The thing is… I love you. I mean it, Gabriel Monroe. I am in-love with you. I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you if you’ll just give me a chance. I’m not asking you to forgive me. I’m asking you to try.”

There, I said it. I laid my cards out on the table. And now I waited.

We stood there taking each other in for what felt like an eternity. I knew I couldn’t say anything else. The ball was in his court. All I could do was wait.

And finally, after seconds, minutes, hours, I don’t know… he spoke.

“Every time I look at you, I’ll be reminded of what you did.” His words stung, and as much as I knew I should turn around and leave this poor man alone, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t because of that one little word.

“Do you love me?” It was my Hail Mary. If I wanted my family back, it could only happen if he was still with me. I stood there waiting for an answer. Praying for a miracle.

He lowered his head and nodded, “Yes.” He swallowed hard before continuing, tears threatening to break through his navy-blue eyes. “Yes, Kat, I still love you. I don’t like you, but you will always be the girl who dropped her books on a staircase and took my heart with her.”

I couldn’t contain the grin that appeared on my face. “Then we should try. We love each other. We can do this. Let’s get out of here. Sell the house. Quit your job. Start over!”

“You’d really let me quit my job?” He let out a small laugh. I didn’t think I’d be able to hear that sound again.

“You hate your job. You hate it here just as much as I do.”

“Where would we go?” he asked.

“Anywhere. As long as we’re together. We can go anywhere.”

And we did. We decided to live out the dream we had on our honeymoon. We sold our very expensive house in New York and moved to Florida. We have a beautiful home on the intercoastal and a boat, Breaking Wind II. Hey, it was part of our history and we couldn’t resist.

Gabriel is still a lawyer at a smaller firm, and I’m working for a local Miami entertainment show. We even catch a few Marlins games every year, found a new favorite Chinese take-out place, and enrolled Jackson in T-ball. You would think Gabriel would be the coach, but it’s actually Gwendolyn. She’s really good at it. Though I’m not crazy about the blue cheetah uniforms she designed for them.

It’s the life we should have always had.

It wasn’t easy. We’ve spent a small fortune on marriage counseling, and it was worth the investment. I know there’s a part of Gabe that will never forgive me. But that’s what marriage is. Working together.

We cried a lot in the beginning, but now we laugh a whole lot more. I feel like I know Gabriel better now than I ever have. Because now I know the boy he was and the man he is now. And I love them both equally.

And Gabriel… he loves me. And he tells me often. The fact that he’s still here shows me he loves me more than I ever could have imagined.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” We packed for a long weekend, but, true to form, my darling husband didn’t tell me our destination.

“It’s a surprise.” His face is illuminated in the bright Florida sunshine.

“And I love your surprises.” I fall deeper into the crook of his arm. He smells like sunshine and the sea.

“Twenty questions. Me first. Favorite thing about Florida? And you can’t say me or Jack or Gray.”

That’s easy. “The house. It’s perfect.” A modest-sized three-bedroom bungalow on the intercoastal. I can walk to the beach with my boys.

Gabriel agrees. “Yes, the house is beautiful, like my wife. Although, I have to say, my favorite thing is the fact that we can take the boat out every day.”

Yes, my husband, the sailor. This is the boy I fell in love with and the man he has become wrapped in one delicious package.

“Me next.” I love playing games with him. “Thing you miss most about New York?”

“The food,” he says with a laugh. “You?” His navy blues sparkle.

“The skyline.”

“I promise I’ll take you back.” He leans down and kisses me passionately, his hand resting on my cheek, slowly pulling me in closer. I can’t believe I went so long without kissing this man. I mean really kissing him the way two lovers do. We were so caught up in life that we forgot to live for each other. I will never tire of kissing him again.

Gabriel smiles, breaking our embrace completely. I look up at him and see mischief.

“When do you want to start trying for the girl?” Gabriel asks, laughing a little since he knows it’s ridiculous.

“I just had Grayson!” I hit him in the arm, my hair blowing in the wind.

Gabriel takes his hands and smoothes the hair off my face, holding it in place on the side of my head. “I know, but I can’t wait to have a little girl that looks just like you.” He kisses my nose, and I melt at the touch.

One corner of my mouth turns up. “Well… I am enjoying the practice. Maybe we can practice for a few more months and then try?”

Gabriel holds out his pinky finger to me. “I promise to always try.” His words have more meaning than ever before.

I smile, wrapping my pinky around his. He looks down at our entwined fingers and kisses them, sealing our promise to each other. “I love you, Mrs. Monroe.”

The sun shines brightly on our backs as I kiss our fated hands. “I love you, too. Now what do you say to getting some dockside delivery when we arrive at our surprise destination? I’m starving.”

His eyebrows perk up. “Chinese?”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.”