Текст книги "Just One Kiss"

Автор книги: Jami Wagner

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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-four

Kelsey

I wake up to the sound of a machine beeping next to my head. I’m glad the noise is soft because I have a killer headache. My eyes flutter as I attempt to open them. Large windows to the right of my bed fill the room with sunlight, and it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust. There’s a round table in the far corner under the window that has flowers filling the entire surface. Sara is sitting in the blue chair next to the table, her arms wrapped around her legs as she hugs them close to her chest, her head buried behind them.

The bed squeaks as I try to push myself into a seated position. I give up quickly and grab the remote next to my bed. I always wanted to use one of these. I just didn’t want to be admitted to do it. Sara lifts her head and squints at the light until she sees me and moves to stand next to my bed.

“You’re awake.” She smiles at me. “The doctors thought you would wake up again last night, but you just kept sleeping. I was getting worried.”

“Did you stay here all night?”

“Yeah, Logan called me.” She looks down at her watch. “It’s a little after seven now. I should probably go let someone know you’re awake and call your parents,” she says and leaves the room.

How long have I been in here? I remembering falling, but I don’t remember coming here. Sara returns followed by a nurse who looks like she isn’t much older than us, with bleached blonde hair pulled into a bun and wearing pale blue scrubs.

“Hi there,” she says. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired but I feel good.”

“That’s good news. You suffered a mild concussion when you bumped your head, but things are looking better. It looks like you were quite exhausted. We’ve just been waiting for you to wake up so we can run a few tests and send you home. I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake. Can I get you anything in the meantime?”

I shake my head to let her know I’m fine. When really I’m not fine because I know what conversation Sara wants to have and I’m not ready to have it. I thought I knew what I was going to do about the baby, but now – after what I heard – I don’t know much of anything anymore. The nurse closes the door behind her and, with one leg bent on the bed and the other hanging to the floor, Sara takes a seat to face me.

“I know things probably seem really unbalanced right now, but I think you should still tell Ethan what’s going on.”

“I don’t want to talk to Ethan.” Yes, I’m mad at him. I’m angrier than I’ve ever been in my whole life. I want to scream at him, hurt him the way he hurt me. I don’t want to share the news that not twenty-four hours ago made me the happiest and most scared person on earth. He doesn’t deserve to be happy too. He used me.

Sara releases a heavy sigh. “Look, Kels, I’m mad at him too, alright? He’s been up to some super-shady behavior, and I’m not going to forgive him easily for it, but he has the right to know.”

I don’t have time to argue with her before the nurse returns. She has a clipboard in her hand and she’s writing something down.

“Okay, Kelsey, I just need to ask you a few more questions before we run those tests.” A knock on the room’s door stops her mid-sentence and we all turn to see who it is.

Ethan’s standing in the doorway, wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday and his hair is a mess. His eyes are glazed and red, and his face has a slight stubble. His entire appearance looks exhausted. Good. He looks how I feel.

“Excuse me, sir, visiting hours haven’t started yet. Only family is allowed right now,” the nurse says sweetly to him.

“I’m her cousin,” he says, pointing in my direction. Sara’s sitting next to me and since he wasn’t specific, the nurse assumes he is talking about me. She nods and he steps into the room, moving cautiously around the bed to stand on my other side. I don’t have the energy to argue with anyone right now. He can stay, but I’m not talking to him.

“Alright, Ms. Brian, is there any medication you’re taking or any medical concerns we need to know about before we start?” the nurse asks.

Damn it. I should have asked him to leave.

I drop my chin to my chest and take a deep breath. I have to say it. I have to tell her the truth. Any one of those tests could harm me or the baby.

“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out and the room fills with silence. My eyes instantly search for Ethan’s and I watch as his face crumbles.

That’s the only look I need to see to be reminded that this entire thing between us has been a sham. A tear slips by, but I control the full waterworks because the one piece keeping me strong now is this baby.

Ethan

Pregnant.

I swallow hard as I lean against the wall next to Kelsey’s bed. Kelsey’s pregnant. With my baby. I take a couple of concentrated breaths before I look up at her. Her gaze is pointing down to her hands where she holds them laced in her lap. I see the tears running down her cheeks and her chest as it moves slowly with each breath she takes. My heart breaks as the nurse looks between Kelsey and me before she quietly excuses herself from the room.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I step toward her.

Kelsey swallows but doesn’t look up.

“Ethan, you should probably leave for a bit. Give everyone some time to process this.” Sara is standing in front of me, speaking quietly. I force myself to look at her. Leave? She can’t be serious. Kelsey and I have a lot to talk about. How can she not see this? I just found out I’m going to be a father, and she wants me to leave.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I say firmly and take a step around her toward Kelsey. Sara grabs my arm, and I snap my head to look her in the eye. What doesn’t she understand?

“Ethan, please,” she pleads. I stare at her for a moment then look back to Kelsey. She’s watching us as the tears continue to spill from her eyes.

“Is this what you want, for me to leave?” I ask her. She keeps her red, swollen eyes locked on mine for what feels like the longest moment of my life and then nods.

I want to yell. I want to hit something or even slam her door as I go, but I don’t. I don’t say anything as I leave her room. My heart feels like she just gripped it and squeezed as hard she could.

I haven’t cried in a long time. I’m a man and we don’t cry. I step into the elevator and the doors close in front of me. The elevator is filled with silence, giving my mind more power to yell and scream at me for everything I have done wrong. I want to cry. Cry for the way my heart feels. I want to cry because Kelsey’s in pain because of me. She’s pregnant because of me. She looks terrified because of me. And now she doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I want to cry because I just lost the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t know how to fix it.

The one thing I do know I need to do is get my father out of my life. And when I get home to find him parked in my driveway. The anger building inside of me urges me to punch his teeth out.

He opens his door, standing to glare at me. “I sent you here for one thing. Look at the mess you made.”

“You need to leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere until I get—”

“Get the fuck off my driveway and out of my life!” I yell. His head jerks back as he stares at me.

“Excuse me? I’ve done nothing but give your spoiled, ungrateful ass everything you have today. You have no right to speak to me that way.”

“I don’t want anything from you, except for you to leave. Take it all. The truck, the house, the bike. I don’t care. The one person who means anything to me is lying in a hospital bed with my unborn child, and she wouldn’t be there if I hadn’t wanted to be accepted as your son so goddamn bad. None of that matters to me now. You don’t matter to me. Just leave.”

“Oh that’s brilliant, Ethan. Add to your mess by knocking up the—”

I step toward him, fists clenched at my sides. “Leave! Get the fuck out of here. If I have to say it again, I will hit you and won’t stop until someone drags you away from me.”

His eyes glance at my hands before he points at me.

“You are not welcome in my home, ever again.”

I throw my hands up as he gets in his car and backs away.

I will gladly never see that man again. If I have any chance of redeeming myself with Kelsey in order for us to have a real family, my father needs to be as far away from me as I can get him.

Chapter Twenty-five

Kelsey

The next few weeks go slowly. I decline Sara’s mother’s invitation to join them for Thanksgiving. I don’t want to chance seeing Ethan. My parents came home early from their trip, and my mother is more excited about my news than my father. He’s being a total Scrooge this holiday season, but I don’t care. I never expected him to be happy.

There’s no way I’m staying at their house anymore. I don’t want to be anywhere near Ethan. Thinking about him is hard enough. I would lose it if I saw him. But I miss him. I’m so angry and confused, I don’t understand how I can miss him. He’s the reason we’re in this spot to begin with. My cellphone rings on the stand next to my bed. I glance over to see Ethan’s name flashing across the screen. Again. I don’t reach for my phone but instead I sink down into my bed and cover myself completely with my sheets.

The finalist dinner came and went, and although they offered me the position and I accepted it, I can’t even force myself to be happy about it. It’s the one thing in my life actually working out. For as much as I had looked forward to that night, my mind is still in such a fog over everything that’s happened, it almost doesn’t feel real.

“Kelsey?” Sara pokes her head inside my bedroom door. “I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner. Do you want some?”

My stomach rumbles at the word spaghetti. Sounds like my little one is going to be a lover of Italian food just like her mother. I’m almost positive it’s a girl.

“I’m going to take that as a yes.” Sara gives a slight laugh from the door and then leaves.

Once the door closes, I pull the sheets off my face. The red light at the top of my phone screen is blinking. I have a voicemail.

I stare at my phone, trying to decide what to do. Ethan leaves a voicemail every time he calls. I never listen to them and when my mailbox is full, I delete them unheard.

I crawl out of bed and stand in front of the full-length mirror behind my bedroom door. When I was at the hospital I found out I was eight weeks along, which makes me almost eleven weeks now. That means I got pregnant the night of the pool table and my due date is early June. It also means I’m an idiot because I didn’t know for eight weeks. I should have figured it out sooner. I turn to my side and lift up my shirt. I don’t look any different, but I feel like a whole new person.

I have my first real doctor’s appointment next week and Sara is going with me. Every day she tells me I’m making a mistake by not including Ethan, but I try my best to ignore her. She’s still mad at Ethan, but I think she’s even more annoyed at the fact I don’t want him there. I don’t want him around me or the baby at all. He was pretending the whole time we were together and never wanted me to begin with. I don’t want the burden of him pretending he wants a family too.

I just wish I could pretend that I hadn’t fallen in love with him and that my heart doesn’t hurt when I think of him. Most of all, I wish I didn’t miss him.

Ethan

It’s crazy how disappointed a person can be with himself. We are responsible for making our own choices. Even when we know the outcome can be bad, most of the time, we still make mistakes.

I knew what could happen the longer I kept things from Kelsey, and for some reason, I still never found a time to tell her. Now, here I am, lying on the couch in my living room in the dark and feeling angry with myself because I made a mistake. A big mistake.

It’s been almost two months since Logan told me about her first doctor’s appointment. The one where she first heard the baby’s heartbeat and the one I should have been with her. But she still won’t answer my calls. I’ve missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. We were supposed to spend them all together. Now, I may never get the chance.

I’ve considered countless times going over to her apartment and demand she talk to me. I should do it, because after everything, keeping a child from their father is bullshit, but Sara keeps reassuring me Kelsey will come around and I need to give her space. Two months feels like plenty of time to get your space. I need to just face it: Kelsey wants nothing to do with me. Not even as the father of our baby.

Sara’s been kind enough to keep me employed at the BA, but she gave Kelsey a new position keeping the books and lets her do it from their apartment. The fall semester ended, meaning Kelsey’s finally done with college and will walk in the spring to get her degree. I also heard she got the columnist job. Again, I wanted to call to congratulate her—for moments like that, I should be there with her.

I’m also lucky that Logan has been sharing bits and pieces of what Kelsey has been up to and how she’s feeling. He threatens me each time that Sara can never find out what he is doing. More secrets. That’s what got me into this whole mess.

A knock at my door doesn’t pull me off the couch. I don’t care who’s here. If it’s not Kelsey, they don’t matter. The knock quickly turns into pounding until whoever it is gives up and just lets themselves inside.

“Dude, really, get off the couch,” Logan says as he walks closer and then stops to bury his face in his elbow and wave his free hand in front of him. “If that’s you who smells like garbage, we have problems. Come on, get up.”

“I’m good,” I tell him.

“No, you’re not. Look at you, sitting all pathetic on the couch. Not giving a damn. Haven’t showered, haven’t shaved, and haven’t—”

“I don’t have a reason to do any of those things. Drop it,” I say, rising quickly to get in his face.

“Well…at least I got you off the couch.” He pushes me away from him. “Now go shower.”

“No,” I argue, letting my body drop back onto the sofa.

“Alright,” Logan steps toward me and yanks on my arm. Like a little kid, I pull back, lift my foot to his stomach, and push him away before I jump to my feet.

“Dude, what the—”

Logan grabs my arms and pulls me in front of him then shoves me from the back.

“Get in the shower now, Ethan. Kelsey and Sara are going to get some food and we’re going to be at the café with they get there.”

Now he has my full attention.

“She doesn’t want anything to do with me, Logan. It will only make things worse.”

He doesn’t respond right away and his silence lets me know he isn’t giving up.

“Is that what you want?” he asks.

“What?”

“To give up. To just let her go. To let her live her life without you.”

“That’s not what I want. That’s what she wants.”

Logan shakes his head. “So, you are giving up. I have to tell you, I think it’s weak and stupid and you’re an idiot. Stop acting like a girl and being all dramatic. Go get what you want. Don’t take no for an answer.”

“I’m not being a girl,” I tell him and walk straight up the stairs to take a shower.

* * *

We pull into a parking space next to the diner downtown. Logan turns off his truck.

“Let’s go.”

“What if she causes a scene?” I ask.

“She won’t. The only person causing a scene right now is you being afraid to go in there.”

I get out of the truck and walk past him into the coffee shop. I’m over all this “you’re acting like a bitch” talk.

The smell of coffee beans is overwhelming when I walk inside. It takes me less than five seconds to find Sara. My heart drops in my chest when I notice she’s sitting alone. She smiles at me and waves me over. I walk slowly, disappointed because Kelsey isn’t here.

“Hurry, sit,” Sara demands. May as well do what everyone else tells me since my own choices haven’t ended well. “She can’t run if you’re already sitting.”

Run.

What is she talking about?

“I have her purse, too, so she has to come to the table—oh shh, shh here she comes.” Sara waves her hands in my face. Kelsey stands just a few tables away. She looks perfect, wearing blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt that is now snug against her belly.

She stops when she sees me, and for a minute I think I see her eyes tearing up. Probably a pregnancy thing. I’ve read a little about it, but I’m still hoping they are tears of joy at seeing me. Her face has no expression as she walks to our table.

“Hi,” I say when she stops next to Sara’s chair. She squats down, grabs her purse, then walks away.

“Kelsey, wait!” I shout as I follow her out of the coffee shop. “Please talk to me. I messed up, I know I did, but—”

“But nothing, Ethan. I don’t want this baby to grow up in a lie or to suffer like I have.”

“It wasn’t a lie. Nothing with you was a lie. I love you.” I grab her hand and pull her close. “I love you more than anything and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Please. Please give me that chance.”

Tears flow over her cheeks as she looks away and time stands still. She takes a moment to catch her breath.

“I’m not going to keep you from your baby, Ethan. No matter what happens, this baby deserves a father. You will always be a part of my life, but I can’t trust you, Ethan, and I…I don’t want this. I don’t want us.”

“Just give me five minutes to explain. I never intended to hurt you. I just wanted my dad’s approval.”

“You had more than enough chances before this all happened to talk to me. To trust me. But you didn’t and this is what happened. I’m sorry, Ethan.”

And just like that, I watch her walk away without fighting. She’s given me more chances than I can ask for, and the only thing left for me to do is wait until she decides to change her mind. Deep down, I am scared that she won’t.

Chapter Twenty-six

Kelsey

I have another doctor’s appointment today and I’m still a blubbering mess over running into Ethan. Seeing him at the café pulled every emotion I’ve worked hard to bury out into the open. I grab a Kleenex and gently try to fix my makeup, but the tears keep coming and ruin it. After giving up, I wander down the hall to the kitchen and find Sara sitting at the table in her pajamas with her computer in front of her. She looks up and frowns.

“Hey, how many times do I need to remind you that stress isn’t good for you or the baby?” she says softly as she gets up to give me a hug.

“It’s not like I’m trying to be stressed. I blame you this time for the whole lunch fiasco yesterday.” This causes her to smile and she sits back down, tucking one leg under the other.

“I just want you to be happy. And I thought you were happy with Ethan. I just wanted to help get things back on track. Don’t you think you’ve punished him enough?”

“Just because you’ve already forgiven him doesn’t mean I can, too.”

My eyes start to tear up again when I see her sad smile, but I quickly pull myself together at a knock at the door. I open the door slowly and the waterworks come back when I find my brother Conner, standing in the hallway.

He’s taller than I remember, but his hair is still the same brown as mine, only curly and a tad bit shaggy, and his dark brown eyes feel like home. He pulls me into a hug as I sob into his white shirt.

“Calm down. It’s okay,” he says and then holds me at shoulder length to look me in the eye. “Aren’t these supposed to be the happiest moments in your life?” he asks and I laugh.

“You try being pregnant. Nothing happy about your clothes not fitting, throwing up at almost every smell, and—”

“Doing it alone is your choice, Kelsey,” Sara adds from her spot at the table. “Hey, Conner. It’s good to see you,” she says then closes her laptop and leaves us alone in the kitchen.

I close the door, point to the sofa, and grab a couple of waters before I join him.

“Alone, huh? What happened to the dad?” Conner asks.

“He… wasn’t who I thought he was,” I say, lowering my head. Conner never knew Ethan that well but, he knew him well enough to know who I’m talking about.

“Did you know I have a son?” he asks and I look at him with surprise. Conner is never the kind of person to beat around the bush. “Yep, you’re an aunt. For almost two years now.”

How did I not know any of this? My little brother has a kid and no one tells me!

“I just found out about him two weeks ago. His name is Jake,” he adds and gives me a weak smile as he pulls out a photo. The little boy in the phone looks just like him as he sits on the swing with a big smile and dirt all over his face.

“I went to tell Mom and Dad first, but Mom wouldn’t stop rambling on about what’s going on with you. I came here as soon as she stopped talking.” He laughs for a split second before his face falls serious again. “I’m not going to give you some big lecture, but I missed out on two years of his life and those are years I’ll never get back. We both know I’m not perfect and I probably did something to screw up bad enough she didn’t want me around. It sucks. I would do anything for this kid and I wish his mother would have told me so that no matter what our past was, we could have given the family thing a try.” He takes a deep breath. “But it sucks most of all that this little boy was caught in the middle of it and spent two years without a father. Don’t take your anger with this baby’s father out on your child. He or she didn’t do anything to deserve it, but they deserve to be happy, just like you. They deserve a family.”

* * *

I never thought I’d be so excited for a doctor’s appointment. Today I find out if my baby is a boy or girl. My fingers are crossed as I wait not so patiently, hoping he or she is in a position to know for sure. I want to call Ethan to tell him about it and invite him to join me, but I’m scared.

My mind is still going haywire since my brother left. I’m excited for him and his new son. And I hope things work out for him. What he said to me, about not being in his son’s life made sense, but I just don’t know if I have in me to risk being hurt again.

“It’s a girl,” the doctor’s voice distracts me as he runs the tools over my belly and watches the screen. “See right there, she’s bending over for us. No mistaking this one. You’re definitely having a girl.”

Tears form in my eyes. My baby is now my little girl, and there isn’t anyone here to share this moment with.

That’s your own fault, Kelsey.

“We’ll get you a copy so you can share it with your friends and family,” he says, leaving the room. I adjust my shirt over my round belly that’s now extremely noticeable to everyone. I was never hiding it, but there was a time where you couldn’t tell whether I was pregnant or putting on some extra weight.

I walk down the short hallway back to the waiting room to make my next appointment. There’s a man and a woman sitting together, both bent over with their attention on the baby carrier in front of them. The woman laughs and the man kisses her temple. I’ll never have that. I’ll never get to experience what it’s like to be a happy family. I sit down as I wait my turn, but I can’t take my eyes away from this new family.

Ethan hasn’t given up on us. God, he told me he loved me. I know he didn’t say it just because I’m pregnant. The emotion that comes with it went straight to my heart. I was mad then, but right now, I’m thinking clearer.

I shouldn’t have just walked away. I should have given him a chance to explain himself. Just because we can’t get a relationship right the first time, or second, or even third doesn’t mean we can’t make one work in the end.

“Ms. Brian,” the nurse behind the counter calls my name. The new mother gives me a small, sad smile. She must have noticed me watching her and how alone I am.

I give my paper to the nurse, she types a few buttons, and we schedule my next appointment. Another nurse hands me the picture of my baby girl. At the door, I take a final look back at the family. I could have that. I could be happy. It’s clear what I need to do.

I close myself inside my car and pull out my phone. I need to call Sara and find out where Ethan is. I’ve been wrong this whole time and hope it’s not too late for him to take me back.

“Hi, how was it?” Sara answers.

“Do you know where Ethan is?” I ask her instead of answering her question.

“What?”

“Ethan, Sara…where is he?”

I hear her whispering—to who I don’t know, but I have a pretty good guess. She giggles and tells whoever she’s with to stop what they’re doing.

“He’s at home,” she says into the phone with a laugh. “Why do you ask?”

“I need to talk to him. I need to fix everything,” I say and hang up, tossing the phone onto the passenger’s seat as I drive straight for Ethan’s house.

I stand outside his door waiting as patiently as I can. He has to be home. He has to answer this door right now. I’ve made countless mistakes in my life, but having a life without Ethan isn’t even an option anymore. I want it all. And I want it all with him. Please. Please answer the door.

Ethan

I really hope Logan isn’t messing with me. On cue, Kelsey’s car pulls into my driveway. I don’t take my eyes off her as she runs to the door, bundled in a winter coat and pair of jeans. Logan warned me, but Kelsey coming here doesn’t really sink in until I see her.

I stand with my hand over the knob, giving myself a quick pep talk before I open the door. I’m finally coming to terms with the way she wants things. She and I won’t be together and our baby will grow up in separate homes. I remind myself how hard it’s going to be when I see her, when I look into her eyes, and she doesn’t want me back. She doesn’t want us. And I need to stop convincing myself she’ll change her mind.

I turn the knob slowly and open the door. Kelsey looks just as beautiful as any other day I see her. Only this time, her coat is hanging loose at her sides and her belly is poking out toward me.

I swallow hard. Forget what I just said. I’m not giving up.

“Did you mean it?” she asks, not missing a beat.

“Mean what?” I gesture for her to come inside.

“That you loved me.”

I hold her hand before she can walk inside any farther, turning her to face me until her eyes line up with mine.

“Yes.”

“Then how could you hurt me like that?” A tear slips down her check and I brush it away with my thumb.

“I’ve asked myself that question every day since we’ve been apart, and I can’t come up with any other explanation other than I spent so much time willing you to trust me that I failed to trust myself or to trust that you would understand. I feared your reaction. Losing you terrified me, and in the end, no matter what choice I made, I was wrong.”

More tears drip off her cheek as she sniffles.

“But you trust me now?”

I nod.

“I was wrong, too, about everything,” she says as she steps forward and reaches for my hand. “I love you and I want this. I want us.”

“I want us, too,” I say, kissing her forehead and wrapping my arms around her. “Promise me that next time something bad happens– even though I hope it never does, but just in case– promise me we talk, we tell each other everything. No secrets and no lies. It’s us, all in or nothing.”

“I promise,” she says without hesitation before kissing me. I pull her close and feel a flutter against my stomach. She giggles, breaking the kiss, looking down to her stomach.

“She must be as excited as I am right now.”

She.

She grabs my hand, pushing my fingers against the side of her belly. The flutter happens again, and I swallow back the tear working its way out. Kelsey swings her purse around and pulls out a small photo in front of me.

“Is this our—?”

“Daughter, yes, it is,” she finishes.

Her eyes are bright and watering as they look into mine. Everything that’s happened leading to this moment doesn’t matter anymore. Everything I want is standing right in front of me. This time, it’s going to be forever.