Текст книги "Sweet"

Автор книги: Erin McCarthy

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

“Now I’m really amazed that you agreed to stay at my place. Damn.” Riley shook his head.

“You have a better sense of family in that house than there is in this one,” I told him sincerely. “I like being there, with you and the boys.” Even though I didn’t belong, not really, I felt like I did.

“You ready to do this?” he asked me, taking the key out of the ignition.

“I guess I have to be.” What I really wanted to do was run away and never face the disappointment that was going to be on my parents’ faces.

Riley walked behind me, his boots creating a steady rhythm that soothed me. I was actually really relieved he was with me. I didn’t think that I would have the courage to go inside if he hadn’t held my hand, squeezing it in reassurance. The house was hushed and quiet and I figured my dad was in the library, reading before the social night ahead. The main hallway was two stories high and had more columns, with a winding staircase. I led Riley past the stairs to the wooden double doors to the library. They were open, and my dad was exactly where I had expected, on the sofa already wearing a suit, book in hand.

He looked up and saw me and his rigid expression showed his displeasure. But then astonishment replaced that as he took in Riley’s hand in mine. I knew the picture Riley made to a man like my father. Riley was wearing a Doors T-shirt, the leather straps of his bracelets wrapping around below his tattoos. The fact that he was twenty-five years old was evident in his jaw, the sun crinkles around his eyes, and a glance showed that he looked tense, edgy. His adorable dimples were nowhere in sight.

“Jessica. Come in. Introduce me to your friend.”

Dad sounded polite, in control. I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse. He sounded . . . remote. We went into the room and sat down on the opposite sofa from my father.

“Hi, Dad. This is Riley Mann.” I paused a heartbeat, then went for it. “My boyfriend.”

The manners evaporated. “Is this why you lied to us? Is this why you wanted to stay in Cincinnati for the summer, to be around some guy?”

Of course he would conclude that. I realized I was going to have a hard time convincing him otherwise. “No. Absolutely not. We weren’t even together yet.”

It was like I didn’t even speak. My father set his iced tea down carefully on the end table and eyed Riley. I didn’t like the way his eyes narrowed. He was a tall man, broad in the shoulders, graying at the temples. He was intimidating. I had always been a little afraid of him. Not because he’d ever hurt me in any way, but because he was imposing. As a little girl, he would always say he had God’s ear, that he was a shepherd leading God’s flock of sheep. Somehow I had decided that God’s ear was actually in my dad’s pocket, next to his wallet and the change that jangled when he put his hand in there and moved it around subconsciously. I had always been afraid it would fall out and I would see it, a torn-off celestial ear piece listening to all my words and thoughts like a big tattletaling megaphone to God.

“Are you having sexual intercourse with my daughter?” Dad asked Riley, bluntly and out of nowhere.

I uncrossed my leg and sat up straight. “Dad! You can’t ask him that.” I turned to Riley. “Don’t answer that!”

But Riley ignored me just like my father did. He met his hard stare with one of his own. “No, sir, I am not.”

I wasn’t sure how entirely accurate that was, considering we did dry hump on a regular basis, but I was just so appalled by the question that I wasn’t even sure what to say.

“But you want to.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.

Riley nodded. “Of course. Jessica is a beautiful woman and I care a great deal about her.”

Heat rushed to my cheeks. Did anyone notice that I was still in the room while they sat there and discussed me?

“Dad, my sex life is none of your business,” I told him firmly.

It was that point that my mother walked into the room. “What on earth?” she asked, coming to a complete stop in the doorway, her hand going to her throat. “Jessica, what sex life? What the hell is going on here? Have you lost your goddamn mind?”

Mom was swearing. And saying the word “sex” out loud. Now I really knew I was in trouble.

“No sex life,” I said firmly. “We are not having this conversation.”

“Who is this?” My mother eyed Riley like he was mold growing in the shower grout.

“This is her boyfriend, she says. This is why she lied to us, she clearly wanted to spend the summer with him.”

“That is not true,” I insisted, feeling this spiral out of control even more. I was trying to be honest for the first time in, oh, ever, and no one would listen to me. The irony was frustrating. “I lied to you because I didn’t want to come home for the summer and deal with having to do what you want me to do.”

My mother said, “What, like helping with Sunday school? You’d rather be getting drunk and dancing suggestively with random boys?”

Well, when she put it that way it didn’t sound very good. “No. I just want to be able to make my own choices. I’m not interested in the legacy of the church. I’m sorry, I know that hurts you, but I’m not going to marry one of your staff, Daddy. I can’t. I would be horrible as a preacher’s wife and the thought makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs.”

I hadn’t meant to get so specific. I had intended to just explain why I hadn’t come home, but I guess the truth was it was all interconnected. I couldn’t explain without being completely honest. “I don’t want to study theology and I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not when I’m with you.”

My mother made a sound of annoyance.

My father studied me. “Are you saying you’ve lost your faith entirely?”

“No.” I fingered my cross necklace. “I believe in God and I believe in Christian kindness. But I don’t believe in judging other people and I don’t believe that I’m a bad person because I do things you may not like.” I wasn’t a bad person. I really wasn’t, and I realized that maybe with the freedom to be myself, I would become an even better person. That I would discover my purpose, my passion.

“So basically you’d like a personalized Jessica Plan, with the rules changing with your mood? Whatever you like is okay morally?” Dad said. “Moral ambiguity is a slippery slope to Hell.”

Uh. No. I had firm beliefs and that sentence sounded super snarky. This conversation was not going to go in my favor. Though why I had thought it would was beyond me.

“I don’t understand why you couldn’t just come to us and say you didn’t want to come home,” my mother said, her bobbed hair not moving an inch even though she was shaking her head rapidly.

“Come on, if I had done that, you wouldn’t have let me stay in Cincinnati.”

Neither disputed that.

“Where are you staying?”

“I subletted an apartment.”

“So you’re not living with him?” my father asked, gesturing to Riley.

“His name is Riley,” I said pointedly, because I was super embarrassed by my dad’s pretentious treatment of him. “And no, technically I don’t live with him, but I spent a lot of time there. And yes, sometimes I spend the night.”

“Are you still pure?” was the awesome follow-up question.

The implication that if I wasn’t a virgin I was impure—dirty—made me flinch. But I held up my head and said clearly, “No.” Let them vilify me.

Riley made a sound in the back of his throat.

My mother made a sound of horror and she looked at me with such disgust that I dug my nails into my legs, a sense of shame that I didn’t want to own rushing over me.

“Him?” Mom asked, gesturing to Riley. “This is who you gave your virginity to?”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with Riley.” It could be amusing to think that we hadn’t even had sex yet, but I was too upset to appreciate the irony. “This is about me trying to explain to you that I can’t be who you want me to be.”

“What, modest? How many boys have you slept with?” Mom asked. “Please tell me it was just the one.”

“I’m not discussing this with you.” And I would keep saying it until someone heard me. “What I’m trying to get you to understand is that I get it that you think of women as fitting into two categories—whores and the Madonna. But I’m neither. I’m just Jessica, somewhere in between, and I love you and I want you to accept me.” Tears formed in my eyes and I could hear the pleading in my voice and it horrified me. Being vulnerable wasn’t easy, especially not with Riley sitting next to me seeing my humiliation.

“So in other words, it was more than one.” My mother’s mouth pressed into a thin line, her red lipstick disappearing into her frown.

My heart sank. So that was that. That was her response and it wasn’t even close to what I wanted, no, needed, to hear.

My father cleared his throat. “You have two choices, Jessica. You can stay here for the rest of the summer under our roof with our rules and go back to school for the coursework we agreed on together, you and I”—he pointed back and forth between us—“or you can stay in Cincinnati now and lose our financial support. I cannot condone your lifestyle choices with my wallet.”

My mother was crying now, silent, pretty tears that wouldn’t wreck her makeup.

“I understand,” I said, feeling very calm all of a sudden. Hadn’t I been expecting this for years? I couldn’t pretend forever that I was going to walk the path they had chosen for me and in a sense it was a relief to know I wouldn’t have to anymore. “I don’t want to waste your money so I think it’s best if I withdraw from school for a while. Can I get my stuff from my room?”

“So you’re leaving?” my father asked.

I nodded.

“If you leave this house I don’t want to speak to you ever again,” Mom said.

That almost got me. My fingers jerked, and I took a second to make sure my voice was controlled. “I hope that isn’t really true, Mom. I love you and I still want to be a part of this family.”

“Don’t overreact, Donna,” Dad said.

It was too late for that. My mother wiped her tears and told me in a shaky voice, “I want you to know that you’ve broken my heart.”

Way to drive the knife just a little deeper, Mom. I didn’t say anything, because what could I say? Nothing was going to matter or make her feel any better.

But Riley’s hand gripped me more firmly and his body shifted closer to me like he could protect me from those words.

She got up and left the room when I didn’t burst into tears and declare myself a born-again virgin.

Dad wasn’t smiling, but he didn’t look like he hated me either. “Your mother is just disappointed,” he said. “Give her time. And yes, you can get your stuff. You can always come home—I want you to know that. In the meantime, just remember that if you stumble the Lord will always pick you up. But you have to allow Him near you to do that.”

I nodded, throat tight. Without meaning to, my fingers went to my cross, and I fingered it, seeking comfort. My father noticed and it seemed to give him reassurance.

“I’ll be praying for you, Jessica.” He stood up and held his arms open for me.

I sank into his hug, the crispness of his suit jacket sliding over my skin as I buried my face in his shoulder. He smelled like Dad, like cologne and whiskey. He had spiked his iced tea. I wondered if my mom knew how often he did that. “Thanks, Daddy.”

Then he stepped back, and he actually held his hand out to Riley to shake it. Riley did, giving my father a nod of acknowledgment. I had to admit, my father was impressing me with his calm control. I guess that was part of what made him such an amazing minister.

“Take care of her,” Dad said. “It takes a man to sit here and answer my questions with honesty and respect, and I appreciate that. I also appreciate you not interfering. I don’t approve of what Jessica is doing, but I won’t hold that against you. Maybe you can be a positive influence on her.”

Seriously? How effing misogynistic was that? All the positive feelings toward my dad that I had been having evaporated. How nice that Riley wasn’t tainted by association with me.

I didn’t trust myself to speak. Turning on my heel, I started toward the door, reaching up to yank my hair down out of the constricting bun.

Riley scrambled to follow me. “Jessica, wait.”

“I’m done with this conversation,” I told him, ripping my sweater off and letting it fall to the floor in the hallway. What was the point of dressing the part to please? “Did you hear him? I can’t do anything to make them happy.”

“I’m sorry, babe.”

Running up the stairs, I stomped down the hall, trying not to scream, or throw something, or in any way show my parents that I was the out-of-control loser they thought I was. Paxton was coming out of his room and he stopped short, giving me a sneer.

“Fuck you,” I told him.

Shoving the door open to my room, I eyed it with displeasure. It was a princess palace and it didn’t reflect me at all. It was expensive furniture and mirrored surfaces, in pinks and ivories. Whatever clutter I had left behind over Christmas break had been removed. It was like a perfect guest room for a perfect person who didn’t exist.

My boxes from school were neatly stacked in the corner and I went over and tried to lift two at once, pure adrenaline fueling me.

“Are we taking all of these?” Riley asked. His voice was carefully neutral.

“Yes. These six plus the vacuum.”

It took two trips, but we got everything shoved into the back of the car. On the second trip, Riley bent down to pick up my sweater.

“Just leave it,” I told him brusquely. “I don’t want it.”

He looked like he going to say something, then thought better of it. He carefully set the sweater down on the console table my mother used to sort mail and display fresh flowers.

Then I walked out the front door with no idea if and when I would be there again. Eighteen years of my life lived there, and all it took was an hour and six boxes to walk away from it.

No one came to stop me. No one came to say good-bye.

I turned to look back, to take in the foundation of my childhood, and I felt sadness, regret, longing.

But I also felt hope. That in leaving, I could find my place.

Chapter Seventeen

“Do you want to talk about it?” Riley asked after twenty minutes of silence.

I was stewing, staring out the window as we drove down the highway. “Not really.”

“Okay.” He was quiet for a minute, then he said, “I don’t want you to worry about money or anything. We’ll be fine. I don’t need to sell a kidney yet.”

I hadn’t even thought far enough ahead to realize that without my parent’s financial support, I was going to have to live off my waitress tips. Yikes. I thought I would be okay, but what did I really know? I’d always had a backup bank in my father. “I’m not your problem, Riley. I’ll just pick up more hours at work to help pay for stuff.”

“You’re not my problem, you’re my girlfriend. We’re in it together, Jess.”

I nodded, throat tight.

“I have to tell you, I’m not even sure I totally get what it is you did to deserve being kicked out. It’s not like you filmed a porno.”

Now there was an image. “There’s still time,” I said, because I was exhausted. I just wanted to snuggle on the couch with Riley and watch stupid YouTube videos, and I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore.

He got the hint. “I do have porn star gonads, I must say.”

I laughed. “Gross. I don’t even want to know what constitutes porn star, you know.” The word gonads made me squeamish.

“I don’t either, to tell you the truth,” he admitted. “But let me assure you, my nuts are class A.”

“I’m reassured, thanks. Of course, I do find it ironic that my father is worried about my salvation but he thinks you’re just awesome.” I didn’t blame Riley for that, but I did find it frustrating as hell.

“He didn’t say that. And he’s never heard me swear or seen me kick a wall. I’m sure if he knew the full story he’d be praying for me, too.”

I sighed. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Well, I think it does matter. Plus I owe you an apology. I thought you were exaggerating about your parents, but you weren’t.”

“Thanks.” There was more I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure how to articulate my feelings. “They’re not bad parents,” I said, because they weren’t. They wanted what was best for me, I knew that. They just thought their way was what was best for me.

“No, of course not,” he agreed. “Everyone makes mistakes and none of us know what the fuck we’re doing. We just take it one day at a time. Hopefully Easton will remember that when he’s thirty and in therapy.”

“Easton is probably going to grow up to be the most normal of all of us.”

Riley laughed. “We can only hope.”

When we got back and went into the house, Tyler was playing video games with Easton. “How did it go? I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”

Riley just shook his head, carrying one of my boxes. He started back towards the bedroom.

“I’m your new permanent roomie,” I told Tyler. “I’ll try not to hog the bathroom.”

“Shit, it didn’t go so good, huh?”

“Nope.”

“You’re moving in?” Easton asked, glancing up from his controller.

“Yes.”

He made a face of disgust.

Fabulous.

“I wish it was Rory instead,” he said.

Now that hurt. I blinked hard, feeling tears fill my eyes. So I didn’t really belong or fit in here either. Rory was the preferred girlfriend.

“Hey! That was really rude,” Tyler told him, shoving Easton’s knee. “Say you’re sorry.”

He shrugged like he didn’t know why it mattered. “Sorry.”

Yeah, that was believable. I set my box down and fast-walked out the front door to the car for another box. Riley came into the living room as I was leaving.

“What did you guys say to her?” he asked them in an accusing tone.

I didn’t wait for the answer. I just strode down the driveway, just in time to see a guy stealing my vacuum out of Riley’s open car.

“Hey! Drop the fucking vacuum or I will hurt you,” I screamed. It was a bit melodramatic for a twenty-dollar Dirt Devil, but I was not in the mood. Besides, I was broke now.

Apparently I looked scary enough that he eyed me and ditched it in the grass. He was about sixteen and skinny, dark circles under his eyes. I took a step toward him and he ran. I chased him, screaming at the top of my lungs the whole time.

Riley and Tyler came tearing out of the house. “What the fuck?” Riley shouted. “Jessica, stop chasing him!”

Considering we were actually just running in circles around the car, it did seem pointless. I came to a stop, breathing hard. “He tried to steal my vacuum.”

I saw Riley and Tyler exchange a look, both clearly trying not to laugh.

“David, go home before I beat your ass,” Tyler told the guy.

“He lives next door,” Riley explained.

“Your bitch is crazy,” David said, shaking his head.

“That’s right,” I told him. “Batshit crazy. So stay out of our yard.”

Feeling like I might cry, and not wanting to lose it in front of an audience, I leaned in the car and grabbed another box, ignoring everyone as I carried it into the house with as much dignity as I could manage on a day like I was having.

“That was cool,” Jayden told me when I shifted past him in the doorway. “You’re a baller.”

Awesome. “Thanks.”

“I guess I’m not the only one with a temper,” I heard Riley say. “The only thing that would have been better would have been if she had tackled him. I would have paid money to see that.”

“You don’t have any money!” I yelled over my shoulder.

Riley laughed.

* * *

I stayed up later than I should have, but I was edgy, anxious. Riley was already asleep when I came to bed, climbing up the waterbed from the bottom so I wouldn’t disturb him. I had been staring at the TV for the last two hours and texting with Rory, though I didn’t tell her about my parents. I didn’t want to talk about it. I’d never been one who dealt with stuff by discussing it endlessly.

Riley stirred. “You okay?” he murmured.

“Yeah.” I was pretty sure I was okay, even though I felt agitated. That was normal, I would guess, when your whole world has changed. I had thought about not going to school, about seeing all my friends studying and going to class with their backpacks and me not being a part of that. About working at the restaurant an extra two or three shifts to pay the bills. About the fact that I didn’t even know what “the bills” constituted.

But mostly I had thought about me, my choices, and what I would do differently. Not from a place of regret or guilt, but an analytical viewpoint. But it was like a squirrel with a nut—I kept turning it all around and around and I couldn’t figure out how to crack the code on how to please everyone. If I made myself over to please my parents, I was miserable. If I apologized for being sexually active, then I insulted the choice of women to be in control of their bodies and I insulted myself. Maybe my dad was right—maybe I was trying to be a Christian on my own terms, but wasn’t that what being twenty years old was about? Figuring out what I believed, what my opinions were?

I couldn’t please everyone, there was no way to do that. But I could please myself.

That was my conclusion, and I knew what pleased me. Having the freedom to make my own mistakes, to learn, to grow, to become a better person. Being here, in this house, with this guy, pleased me. My friendships pleased me. My hoodie made me happy. It was all the simplest of things that mattered, and the future didn’t have to be decided tonight.

“Go back to sleep,” I said, slipping under the sheet and peeling off my T-shirt.

He rolled over and kissed my bare shoulder. “Mm. Sorry today was so rough.”

“Thanks. Thanks for being there.”

The air-conditioning unit hummed and I kept one leg outside of the sheet.

“So what is your number?” he murmured.

“What?” I frowned in the dark, not sure what he was talking about.

“You know, partners. What is your number?”

I went completely still for a split second. Then I exploded. “Are you freaking kidding me? How can you ask me that?”

I couldn’t see his face clearly in the dark room so I sat up and leaned over to the dresser and turned on the lamp.

“Ow, fuck,” he said, covering his eyes.

“Get over it. Answer the question—how could you ask me that, after what I went through today?”

“I’m just curious. You can ask me.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “I don’t want to ask you. I don’t give a shit. It has nothing to do with me. Whatever you did before me is your business, not mine.”

Going up on his elbow, he said, “Come on. You’re not even like a little bit curious?”

“Of course I’m curious. But again, it’s none of my business.” Why was that so hard to grasp? I didn’t want to know. It would be like a slippery slope into comparisons and jealousies. I had no desire to do that to myself. I put my back against the wall, wanting to be sitting up. The anxiety crawled up my neck like a spider.

“I don’t mind telling you my number.”

“Well, great, but I don’t want to hear it! And I’m not telling you regardless. The truth is, you know it’s more than one. You know it’s more than two. And anything more than that for a girl is getting into questionable territory according to the world we live in. What if it was ten? Twenty? Forty? What would you say?”

“Forty is a lot of guys to be fucking, that’s what I would say.” He looked appalled.

“See, that’s my point. Everyone has this number that they decide is too much, and what if I say a number and it’s past your magical line in the sand? Then what? I have to watch the respect drain away from your face?”

“It’s not forty, is it?” He looked like he actually might be sick. His face was white and he was swallowing hard.

“No. It’s not.” Truthfully, I wasn’t sure what it was. I didn’t stop and finger count. Each one had been taken for what they were and who they were, not a sum total of sexual parts. If I had to quick guess, I would say six or seven. “But it’s not two. I can’t re-virginize myself, Riley. I don’t even want to.”

“Is it less than ten?” he asked.

That was it. I got out of bed and pulled my T-shirt back on.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving.” I was already tapping a text to Robin asking her to pick me up.

“You can’t leave. Where the hell are you going to go?” He jumped out of bed and tried to head me off.

I darted around him and grabbed my purse off the dresser. When he touched my elbow, I shook him off, his hot grip feeling violating. “Leave me alone.”

“Jess. Come on. Stay. Please.”

In the living room, I whirled around to face him. “You aren’t any better than my parents! You are judging me the same way they are, and that really freaking hurts!”

“I just get jealous, I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” He put his hands onto the top of his head, staring at a spot on the wall behind me.

I wasn’t going to be swayed by how amazing he looked in his boxer briefs, that damn demon tattoo moving as he moved his arms, the skull screaming down his side.

Anger and hurt coursed through me and I was breathing hard, my chest heaving. So I did the one thing I knew would hurt him as much as he had just hurt me. I held out my thumb and said, “Bill.” Then the index finger. “Tyler.” Another. “Adam.” I flipped backward through my college years and held up another finger. “Carter.” My pinky went out. “Dude whose name I don’t remember because I got super drunk at my first party at college.” Second hand thumb. “John.” Last one. “Matthew. He was my first at church camp. Yes, church camp. We were counselors. There, feel better now?”

“Not really,” he said, his jaw working and his nostrils flaring.

“I didn’t think so.” I was so angry I was fuming. “But now you know.”

He clearly felt the same way because without warning he picked up the lamp and threw it across the room. It hit the wall and shattered in an explosion of ceramic and glass.

I shrieked. “Riley!”

Tyler came rushing out of his bedroom. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Ask your brother,” I snapped.

“Dude, what the hell?” Tyler asked him, then looked at me. Pulling me back from the broken glass Tyler asked, “You okay?”

I nodded.

“Get your goddamn hands off her,” Riley said, taking a step toward Tyler, hands clenching into fists.

“Whoa.” Tyler looked at his brother in shock. “Take it down a notch, Riley.”

“I’m going outside,” I said, striding through the kitchen and shoving the back door open and plunking myself on the top of the picnic table, my feet on the bench. I checked my phone. Robin had answered.

For real? I can be there in 10.

Thanks.

There was a pack of cigarettes lying on the table and I picked it up and took one out. Cramming it in my mouth, I grabbed the lighter and flicked it on. I sucked hard, and immediately I got a bit lightheaded. Blowing it out, I took a shuddering breath and tried to calm down, the blood vessels in my head feeling like they were constricting in response to tension and nicotine.

The back door opened and Tyler came out. He looked at the cigarette and shook his head. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” I took another drag. It tasted like total ass, and the cloud rising in front of my face was hazy and stung my eyes, but I was feeling defiant. “What is he doing in there? He didn’t wake the boys up, did he?”

“Of course they woke up. Riley said he tripped on the lamp cord and they went back to bed. Now he’s cleaning up the mess and swearing up a blue streak. Then if I had to take a guess, he’ll go in the basement and lift weights for an hour, then he’ll start drinking.” Tyler sat down next to me. “What the hell happened?”

“Doesn’t matter,” I said, staring at the burning end of the cigarette. Amazing how quickly the paper could burn, without me even doing anything to it. “I called Robin to pick me up. She’ll be here any second.”

I half expected Tyler to try to talk me out of it, to suggest that I go into the house and work things out with Riley, but he didn’t.

“That’s probably the best thing for tonight. When Riley’s temper explodes, it’s better to give him space. He is like our father in that way.”

“I don’t think Riley wants to be compared to your father.”

“No, I’m sure he doesn’t. Doesn’t make it any less true. But the difference is, Riley doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. He just says things, and he doesn’t always think through how it will be taken, you know what I’m saying?”

So this was Tyler trying to tell me to go easy on his brother. “Just because he doesn’t mean to doesn’t make it hurt any less,” I said, handing Tyler the cigarette. I didn’t want it.

He took it from me and put it to his mouth. “True. But I have to tell you, Jess, Riley doesn’t let girls get close to him. He’s put himself out there for you.”

I looked at my feet, still bare from getting into bed with Riley. I needed to redo my pedicure. The paint was chipped. “I know. I’ve put myself out there, too. And Riley used that against me.”

The back door flew open, and Riley stood there, looking enraged. “We need to talk.”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Get in the goddamn house,” he said.

Like that was going to make me comply? I bristled. “Screw you.”

“Not tonight.”

That was so out of line, I grabbed the pack of cigarettes and threw it at him.

He caught it in his left hand.

I should have whipped the glass ashtray at his head instead. It would have been a lot more satisfying to knock him unconscious.

Headlights flooded the driveway and I hopped off the table, grabbing my purse. “I’ll talk to you later, Tyler.”

Tyler didn’t say anything.

I gave Riley a glare. “You, I don’t want to talk to at all.”

“Don’t walk away, Jessica, I’m not kidding.”

He started toward me and I ran.

* * *

Robin and I curled up on her sofa under a squishy comforter and drank chocolate milk, watching The Notebook. She was crying. I felt numb.

She was already living in the house that we had rented for the following school year with Kylie and Rory. The previous tenants, graduating seniors, were still living there, but Robin had the one empty bedroom that had belonged to an overachiever who already had secured a job in finance and moved into a trendy apartment.

My parents were supposed to pay for my portion of the rent once the fall semester started, but I had no idea if I was going to be able to manage that on my own now. I had figured I would let my friends rent my spot to someone else and I would stay with Riley, but how could I do that now?

I wanted to cry, but it was like the tears were trapped inside me, along with a scream of frustration. It was like my heart had actually been removed from my body and left back at Riley’s, beating on the kitchen table. I was feeling weird and morbid and not like me at all. Like I was so angry that it was smothering all my other emotions.