Текст книги "The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul"
Автор книги: Douglas Noel Adams
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Chapter 22
At exactly the moment that the telephone rang, the door to Kate's sitting-room opened. The Thunder God attempted to stomp in through it, but in fact he wafted. He had clearly soaked himself very thoroughly in the stuff Kate had thrown into the bath, then redressed, and torn op a nightgown of Kate's to bind his forearm with. He casually tossed a handful of softened oak shards away into the corner of the room. Kate decided for the moment to ignore both the deliberate provocations and the telephone. The former she could deal with and the latter she had a machine for dealing with.
«I've been reading about you,» she challenged the Thunder God. «Where's your beard?»
He took the book, a one volume encyclopaedia, from her hands and glanced at it before tossing it aside contemptuously.
«Ha,» he said, «I shaved it off. When I was in Wales.» He scowled at the memory.
«What were you doing in Wales for heaven's sake?»
«Counting the stones,» he said with a shrug, and went to stare out of the window.
There was a huge, moping anxiety in his bearing. It suddenly occurred to Kate with a spasm of something not entirely unlike fear, that sometimes when people got like that, it was because they had picked up their mood from the weather. With a Thunder God it presumably worked the other way round. The sky outside certainly had a restless and disgruntled look.
Her reactions suddenly started to become very confused.
«Excuse me if this sounds like a stupid question,» said Kate, «but I'm a little at sea here. I'm not used to spending the evening with someone who's got a whole day named after them. What stones were you counting in Wales?»
«All of them,» said Thor in a low growl. «All of them between this size…» he held the tip of his forefinger and thumb about a quarter of an inch apart, «…and this size.» He held his two hands about a yard apart, and then put them down again.
Kate stared at him blankly.
«Well… how many were there?» she asked. It seemed only polite to ask.
He rounded on her angrily.
«Count them yourself if you want to know!» he shouted. «What's the point in my spending years and years and years counting them, so that I'm the only person who knows, and who will ever know, if I just go and tell somebody else? Well?»
He turned back to the window.
«Anyway,» he said, «I've been worried about it. I think I may have lost count somewhere in Mid-Glamorgan. But I'm not,» he shouted, «going to do it again!»
«Well, why on earth would you do such an extraordinary thing in the first place?»
«It was a burden placed on me by my father. A punishment. A penance.» He glowered.
«Your father?» said Kate. «Do you mean Odin?»
«The All-Father,» said Thor. «Father of the Gods of Asgard.»
«And you're saying he's alive?»
Thor turned to look at her as if she was stupid.
«We are immortals,» he said, simply.
Downstairs, Neil chose that moment to conclude his thunderous performance on the bass, and the house seemed to sing in its aftermath with an eerie silence.
«Immortals are what you wanted,» said Thor in a low, quiet voice. «Immortals are what you got. It is a little hard on us. You wanted us to be for ever, so we are for ever. Then you forget about us. But still we are for ever. Now at last, many are dead, many dying,» he then added in a quiet voice, «but it takes a special effort.»
«I can't even begin to understand what you're talking about,» said Kate, «you say that I, we» —
«You can begin to understand,» said Thor, angrily, «which is why I have come to you. Do you know that most people hardly see me? Hardly notice me at all? It is not that we are hidden. We are here. We move among you. My people. Your gods. You gave birth to us. You made us be what you would not dare to be yourselves. Yet you will not acknowledge us. If I walk along one of your streets in this… world you have made for yourselves without us, then barely an eye will once flicker in my direction.»
«Is this when you're wearing the helmet?»
«Especially when I'm wearing the helmet!»
«Well»-
«You make fun of me!» roared Thor.
«You make it very easy for a girl,» said Kate. «I don't know what» —
Suddenly the room seemed to quake and then to catch its breath. All of Kate's insides wobbled violently and then held very still. In the sudden horrible silence, a blue china table lamp slowly toppled off the table, hit the floor, and crawled off to a dark corner of the room where it sat in a worried little defensive huddle.
Kate stared at it and tried to be calm about it. She felt as if cold, soft jelly was trickling down her skin.
«Did you do that?» she said shakily.
Thor was looking livid and confused. He muttered, «Do not make me angry with you. You were very lucky.» He looked away.
«What are you saying?»
«I'm saying that I wish you to come with me.»
«What? What about that?» She pointed at the small befuddled kitten under the table which had so recently and so confusingly been a blue china table lamp.
«There's nothing I can do for it.»
Kate was suddenly so tired and confused and frightened that she found she was nearly in tears. She stood biting her lip and trying to be as angry as she could.
«Oh yeah?» she said. «I thought you were meant to be a god. I hope you haven't got into my home under false pretences, I…» She stumbled to a halt, and then resumed in a different tone of voice.
«Do you mean,» she said, in a small voice, «that you have been here, in the world, all this time?»
«Here, and in Asgard,» said Thor.
«Asgard,» said Kate. «The home of the gods?»
Thor was silent. It was a grim silence that seemed to be full of something that bothered him deeply.
«Where is Asgard?» demanded Kate.
Again Thor did not speak. He was a man of very few words and enormously long pauses. When at last he did answer, it wasn't at all clear whether he had been thinking all that time or just standing there.
«Asgard is also here,» he said. «All worlds are here.»
He drew out from under his furs his great hammer and studied its head deeply and with an odd curiosity, as if something about it was very puzzling. Kate wondered where she found such a gesture familiar from. She found that it instinctively made her want to duck. She stepped back very slightly and was watchful.
When he looked up again, there was an altogether new focus and energy in his eyes, as if he was gathering himself up to hurl himself at something.
«Tonight I must be in Asgard,» he said. «I must confront my father Odin in the great hall of Valhalla and bring him to account for what he has done.»
«You mean, for making you count Welsh pebbles?»
«No!» said Thor. «For making the Welsh pebbles not worth counting!»
Kate shook her head in exasperation. «I simply don't know what to make of you at all,» she said. «I think I'm just too tired. Come back tomorrow. Explain it all in the morning.»
«No,» said Thor. «You must see Asgard yourself, and then you will understand. You must see it tonight.» He gripped her by the arm.
«I don't want to go to Asgard,» she insisted. «I don't go to mythical places with strange men. You go. Call me up and tell me how it went in the morning. Give him hell about the pebbles.»
She wrested her arm from his grip. It was very, very clear to her that she only did this with his permission.
«Now please, go, and let me sleep!» She glared at him.
At that moment the house seemed to erupt as Neil launched into a thumping bass rendition of Siegfried's Rheinfahrt from Act 1 of Götterdämmerung, just to prove it could be done. The walls shook, the windows rattled. From under the table the sound of the table lamp mewing pathetically could just be heard.
Kate tried to maintain her furious glare, but it simply couldn't be kept up for very long in the circumstances.
«OK,» she said at last, «how do we get to this place?»
«There are as many ways as there are tiny pieces.»
«I beg your pardon?»
«Tiny things.» He held up his thumb and forefinger again to indicate something very small. «Molecules,» he added, seeming to be uncomfortable with the word. «But first let us leave here.»
«Will I need a coat in Asgard?»
«As you wish.»
«Well, I'll take one anyway. Wait a minute.»
She decided that the best way to deal with the astonishing rigmarole which currently constituted her life was to be businesslike about it. She found her coat, brushed her hair, left a new message on her telephone answering machine and put a saucer of milk firmly under the table.
«Right,» she said, and led the way out of the flat, locking it carefully after them, and making shushing noises as they passed Neil's door. For all the uproar he was currently making he was almost certainly listening out for the slightest sound, and would be out in a moment if he heard them going by to complain about the Coca-Cola machine, the lateness of the hour, man's inhumanity to man, the weather, the noise, and the colour of Kate's coat, which was a shade of blue that Neil for some reason disapproved of most particularly. They stole past successfully and closed the front door behind them with the merest click.
Chapter 23
The sheets which tumbled out on to Dirk's kitchen table were made of thick heavy paper, folded together, and had obviously been much handled.
He sorted them out, one by one, separating them from each other, smoothing them out with the flat of his hand and laying them out neatly in rows on the kitchen table, clearing a space, as it became necessary, among the old newspapers, ashtrays and dirty cereal bowls which Elena the cleaner always left exactly where they were, claiming, when challenged on this, that she thought he had put them there specially.
He pored over the papers for several minutes, moving from one to another, comparing them with each other, studying them carefully, page by page, paragraph by paragraph, line by line.
He couldn't understand a word of them.
It should have occurred to him, he realised, that the greeneyed, hairy, scythe-waving giant might differ from him not only in general appearance and personal habits, but also in such matters as the alphabet he favoured.
He sat back in his seat, disgruntled and thwarted, and reached for a cigarette, but the packet in his coat was now empty. He picked up a pencil and tapped it in a cigarette-like way, but it wasn't able to produce the same effect.
After a minute or two he became acutely conscious of the fact that he was probably still being watched through the keyhole by the eagle and he found that this made it impossibly hard to concentrate on the problem before him, particularly without a cigarette. He scowled to himself. He knew there was still a packet upstairs by his bed, but he didn't think he could handle the sheer ornithology involved in going to get it.
He tried to stare at the papers for a little longer. The writing, apart from being written in some kind of small, crabby and indecipherable runic script, was mostly hunched up towards the left-hand side of the paper as if swept there by a tide. The righthand side was largely clear except for an occasional group of characters which were lined up underneath each other. All of it, except for a slight sense of undefinable familiarity about the layout, was completely meaningless to Dirk.
He turned his attention back to the envelope instead and tried once more to examine some of the names which had been so heavily crossed out.
Howard Bell, the incredibly wealthy bestselling novelist who wrote bad books which sold by the warehouse-load despite – or perhaps because of – the fact that nobody read them.
Dennis Hutch, record company magnate. Now that he had a context for the name, Dirk knew it perfectly well. The Aries Rising Record Group which had been founded on Sixties ideals, or at least on what passed for ideals in the Sixties, grown in the Seventies and then embraced the materialism of the Eighties without missing a beat, was now a massive entertainment conglomerate on both sides of the Atlantic. Dennis Hutch had stepped up into the top seat when its founder had died of a lethal overdose of brick wall, taken while under the influence of a Ferrari and a bottle of tequila. ARRGH! was also the record label on which Hot Potato had been released.
Stan Dubcek, senior partner in the advertising company with the silly name which now owned most of the British and American advertising companies which had not had names which were quite as silly, and had therefore been swallowed whole.
And here, suddenly, was another name that was instantly recognisable, now that Dirk was attuned to the sort of names he should be looking for. Roderick Mercer, the world's greatest publisher of the world's sleaziest newspapers. Dirk hadn't at first spotted the name with the unfamiliar«…erick» in place after the «Rod». Well, well, well.
Now here were people, thought Dirk suddenly, who had really got something. Certainly they had got rather more than a nice little house in Lupton Road with some dried flowers lying around the place. They also had the great advantage of having heads on their shoulders as well, unless Dirk had missed something new and dramatic on the news. What did that all mean? What was this contract? How come everybody whose hands it had been through had been so astoundingly successful except for one, Geoffrey Anstey? Everybody whose hands it had passed through had benefited from it except for the one who had it last. Who had still got it.
It was a hot potato.
You better not have it when the big one comes. The notion suddenly formed in Dirk's mind that it might have been Geoffrey Anstey himself who had overheard a conversation about a hot potato, about getting rid of it, passing it on. If he remembered correctly the interview he had read with Pain, he didn't say that he himself had overheard the conversation.
You better not have it when the big one comes.
The notion was a horrible one and ran on like this:
Geoffrey Anstey had been pathetically naïve. He had overheard this conversation, between – who? Dirk picked up the envelope and ran over the list of names – and had thought that it had a good dance rhythm. He had not for a moment realised that what he was listening to was a conversation that would result in his own hideous death. He had got a hit record out of it, and when the real hot potato was actually handed to him he had picked it up.
Don't pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.
And instead of taking the advice he had recorded in the words of the song…
Quick, pass it on, pass it on, pass it on.
… he had stuck it behind the gold record award on his bathroom wall.
You better not have it when the big one comes.
Dirk frowned and took a long, slow thoughtful drag on his pencil.
This was ridiculous.
He had to got some cigarettes if he was going to think this through with any intellectual rigour. He pulled on his coat, stuffed his hat on his head and made for the window.
The window hadn't been opened for – well, certainly not during his ownership of the house, and it struggled and screamed at the sudden unaccustomed invasion of its space and independence. Once he had forced it wide enough, Dirk struggled out on to the windowsill, pulling swathes of leather coat out with him. From here it was a bit of a jump to the pavement since there was a lower ground floor to the house with a narrow flight of steps leading down to it in the front. A line of iron railings separated these from the pavement, and Dirk had to get clear over these.
Without hesitating for a moment he made the jump, and it was in mid-bound that he realised he had not picked up his car keys from the kitchen table where he'd left them.
He considered as he sailed gracelessly through the air whether or not to execute a wild mid-air twist, make a desperate grab backwards for the window and hope that he might just manage to hold on to the sill, but decided on mature reflection that an error at this point might just conceivably kill him whereas the walk would probably do him good.
He landed heavily on the far side of the railings, but the tails of his coat became entangled with them and he had to pull them off, tearing part of the lining in the process. Once the ringing shock in his knees had subsided and he had recovered what little composure the events of the day had left him with, he realised that it was now well after eleven o'clock and the pubs would be shut, and he might have a longer walk than he had bargained for to find some cigarettes.
He considered what to do.
The current outlook and state of mind of the eagle was a major factor to be taken into account here. The only way to get his car keys now was back through the front door into his eagleinfested hallway.
Moving with great caution he tip-toed back up the steps to his front door, squatted down and, hoping that the damn thing wasn't going to squeak, gently pushed up the flap of the letterbox and peered through.
In an instant a talon was hooked into the back of his hand and a great screeching beak slashed at his eye, narrowly missing it but scratching a great gouge across his much abused nose.
Dirk howled with pain and lurched backwards, not getting very far because he still had a talon hooked in his hand. He lashed out desperately and hit at the talon, which hurt him considerably, dug the sharp point even further into his flesh and caused a great, barging flurry on the far side of the door, each tiniest movement of which tugged heavily in his hand.
He grabbed at the great claw with his free hand and and tried to tug it back out of himself. It was immensely strong, and was shaking with the fury of the eagle, which was as trapped as he was. At last, quivering with pain, he managed to release himself, and pulled his injured hand back, nursing and cuddling it with the other.
The eagle pulled its claw back sharply, and Dirk heard it flapping away back down his hallway, emitting terrible screeches and cries, its great wings colliding with and scraping the walls.
Dirk toyed with the idea of burning the house down, but once the throbbing in his hand had begun to subside a little he calmed down and tried, if he could, to see things from the eagle's point of view.
He couldn't.
He had not the faintest idea how things appeared to eagles in general, much less to this particular eagle, which seemed to be a seriously deranged example of the species.
After a minute or so more of nursing his hand, curiosity-allied to a strong sense that the eagle had definitely retreated to the far end of the hall and stayed there – overcame him, and he bent down once more to the letter-box. This time he used his pencil to push the flap back upwards and scanned the hallway from a safe position a good few inches back.
The eagle was clearly in view, perched on the end of the barrister rail, regarding him with resentment and opprobrium, which Dirk felt was a little rich coming from a creature which had only a moment or two ago been busily engaged in trying to rip his hand off.
Then, once the eagle was certain that it had got Dirk's attention, it slowly raised itself up on its feet and slowly shook its great wings out, beating them gently for balance. It was this gesture that had previously caused Dirk to bolt prudently from the room. This time, however, he was safely behind a couple of good solid inches of wood and he stood, or rather, squatted his ground. The eagle stretched its neck upwards as well, jabbing its tongue out at the air and cawing plaintively, which surprised Dirk.
Then he noticed something else rather surprising about the eagle, which was that its wings had strange, un-eaglelike markings on them. They were large concentric circles.
The differences of coloration which delineated the circles were very slight, and it was only the absolute geometric regularity of them which made them stand out as clearly as they did. Dirk had the very clear sense that the eagle was showing him these circles, and that that was what it had wanted to attract his attention to all along. Each time the bird had dived at him, he realised as he thought back, it had then started on a strange kind of flapping routine which had involved opening its wings right out. However, each time it had happened Dirk had been too busily engaged with the business of turning round and running away to pay this exhibition the appropriate attention.
«Have you got the money for a cup of tea, mate?»
«Er, yes thank you,» said Dirk, «I'm fine.» His attention was fully occupied with the eagle, and he didn't immediately look round.
«No, I meant can you spare me a bob or two, just for a cup of tea?»
«What?» This time Dirk looked round, irritably.
«Or just a fag, mate. Got a fag you can spare?»
«No, I was just going to go and get some myself,» said Dirk.
The man on the pavement behind him was a tramp of indeterminate age. He was standing there, slightly wobbly, with a look of wild and continuous disappointment bobbing in his eyes.
Not getting an immediate response from Dirk, the man dropped his eyes to the ground about a yard in front of him, and swayed back and forth a little. He was holding his arms out, slightly open, slightly away from his body, and just swaying. Then he frowned suddenly at the ground. Then he frowned at another part of the ground. Then, holding himself steady while he made quite a major realignment of his head, he frowned away down the street.
«Have you lost something?» said Dirk.
The man's head swayed back towards him.
«Have I lost something?» he said in querulous astonishment. «Have I lost something?»
It seemed to be the most astounding question he had ever heard. He looked away again for a while, and seemed to be trying to balance the question in the general scale of things. This involved a fair bit more swaying and a fair few more frowns. At last he seemed to come up with something that might do service as some kind of answer.
«The sky?» he said, challenging Dirk to find this a good enough answer. He looked up towards it, carefully, so as not to lose his balance. He seemed not to like what he saw in the dim, orange, street-lit pallor of the clouds, and slowly looked back down again till he was staring at a point just in front of his feet.
«The ground?» he said, with evident great dissatisfaction, and then was struck with a sudden thought.
«Frogs?» he said, wobbling his gaze up to meet Dirk's rather bewildered one. «I used to like…frogs,» he said, and left his gaze sitting on Dirk as if that was all he had to say, and the rest was entirely up to Dirk now.
Dirk was completely flummoxed. He longed for the times when life had been easy, life had been carefree, the great times he'd had with a mere homicidal eagle, which seemed now to be such an easygoing and amiable companion. Aerial attack he could cope with, but not this nameless roaring guilt that came howling at him out of nowhere.
«What do you want?» he said in a strangled voice.
«Just a fag, mate,» said the tramp, «or something for a cup of tea.»
Dirk pressed a pound coin into the man's hand and lunged off down the street in a panic, passing, twenty yards further on, a builder's skip from which the shape of his old fridge loomed at him menacingly.
