Текст книги "Forever Innocent"
Автор книги: Deanna Roy
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Текущая страница: 2 (всего у книги 17 страниц)
Chapter 5: Corabelle
The strap to my backpack was going to break clean off if I jerked on it any more. I sat across from my counselor, who looked frazzled from dealing with first-day mishaps. Folders and loose pages covered her enormous desk. The office was small and hot, and a rivulet of sweat trickled from her hairline down her temple as she typed.
“Corabelle, you have three choices. Pick a different time slot for a class. Drop below a full load for the quarter.” She glanced up at me. “Or stay in astronomy.”
My fingers tightened on the strap again. “I have to ask my manager if I can change my hours. He has to work around all our schedules.”
“Well, I can’t help you if I don’t know any other times. There’s nothing else useful to you on Mondays at 9 a.m. unless you want another PE-type credit. I can get you into interpretive dance or weight lifting.”
I groaned.
“Enrollment is way up this year and classes have started. Pickings are slim.” She tapped more keys. “I’ve got seven students hoping you’ll drop astronomy. It’s a popular class.”
“How long is the waiting list for the speech class, or what was the other?”
“Ancient Rome. Too long. Those are small classes and I don’t think enough could possibly drop.” She swiveled in her chair. “Corabelle, if you want to graduate on time, you should just take this class. I don’t understand why you’re suddenly so opposed.”
I couldn’t tell her it was about a boy. “It’s got too much extra work for an elective.”
“The star parties are what make the class. You knew that going in.”
I swallowed. “I have to get out.”
She pushed a folder aside. “Let me pull up your actual records rather than this printed overview. We can take a good hard look at your transfer history and see if maybe we can wiggle some class over to cover this one.”
I slammed my hand on the desk. “No!”
She looked up, startled.
I forced myself to relax. “I mean, no, it’s fine.”
She turned from the keyboard to study me. “I’m just trying to see where you might switch something around. Maybe there’s an online course.”
My face burned. I’d gone this far without anyone finding out what happened in New Mexico. I couldn’t risk the consequences if that professor had saved any note in the system. “I’ll stay in astronomy.”
The woman nodded. “That’s a good choice. You’ll find the star parties fantastic.” She closed my folder full of official printouts I painstakingly kept, all bearing seals and formal letters, anything I could do to avoid people digging too deeply into my electronic past. So far, I had been able to count on people being busy or lazy.
“Thank you. Sorry for wasting your time.”
She waved me away. “It’s all right. See you at the end of the quarter so we can establish your final coursework.”
I slung the backpack over my shoulder and opened the door, stepping over the line of students sitting along the wall, waiting to get in.
My head buzzed as I stormed through the building. Maybe I could switch TAs. Yes, if I told them I had a permanent conflict with Thursdays, it would make more sense to switch study groups now than to constantly do makeups. Gavin would be in the classroom, but I could avoid him. As long as we were at different star parties, it would be okay.
The day was still bright and colorful outside, making it difficult to stay upset with a world full of birdsong and eucalyptus. I was back on track, in school again, and the last thing I needed was to let Gavin Mays derail my life a second time.
Jenny caught up with me at the quad, her pink ponytail as vivid as a blossom. “You ran out of class. And that hunkalicious man-meat followed you. What was that all about?”
“Someone I used to know.”
“Ahhhh! Someone you used to bang!” She grabbed my arm and stopped me from walking. “Is this the boy who chilled off Frozen Latte? Tell! Tell! Tell!”
“He’s from my hometown.”
“And…”
“We dated.”
“And…”
“I just can’t be in his study group.”
Jenny plunked down in the grass, setting her messenger bag beside her. “I can get that. I don’t have a single ex I want to see again unless it’s in a body bag.”
I sat next to her. “I tried to drop just now, but the counselor couldn’t get me anything but interpretive dance.”
“Really?” Jenny jumped back up and held out her arms in a ballet pose, spinning neatly in a circle. Just as I wondered what the heck she was doing, she dramatically dropped her head and shoulders, like a puppet whose strings had just broken.
“What are you doing?”
She peered up at me. “What, you don’t like my interpretation of a flower in the rain?”
“Seriously? You took dance?”
She plopped back into the grass, lying down with her head on her bag and her black leggings crossed at the knee. “The teacher was so freaking hot.”
I had an idea. “Hey, you wanted lumberjack boy, right? The other TA?”
“Yeah, sure.” She tugged on her orange miniskirt and straightened the crop top, like she was arranging herself for display. Jenny always looked like she had stepped out of the shop window of a trendy store.
“Why don’t we switch? Then you could do the star parties with lumberjack boy, and I wouldn’t have to be in the same group as Gavin.”
She lifted her sunglasses to peer at me. “Gavin. Is that hunk boy?”
Surely she wouldn’t go for him. The thought of her fawning on Gavin made me feel sick.
“Don’t look all distressed.” She took my hand and crossed an “x” on my palm. “Girlfriends don’t date girlfriends’ exes. Period.”
I swallowed, pushing against the pain of picturing Gavin with any other girl. He’d been my first and only, and I had been his. But no telling how many he’d been with since then.
“Hey! Cora! I’m serious!” Jenny sat up and waved her hand in front of my face. “I can see how upset you are. Girl, you’ve got to learn to keep that face in check.”
I looked at her, all color and tight clothes, vivid lipstick, big shades, and colored hair. She was cute and fun. Gavin just might eat her up.
“I’m saving myself for Lumberjack,” Jenny said. “Don’t worry about it. And sure. Their e-mails are on our paper whatsits. We can get them to switch. Say we have to work.”
My shoulders relaxed a bit. “Thank you, Jenny. You’re saving me here.”
She waved at some guy who was checking her out as he walked by. “Oh, no, you’re saving me. I’ll be rolling logs with Lumberjack in no time.”
Chapter 6: Gavin
The last damn tire was in the bin.
Mario had already taken off, telling me to call him later if I wanted to shoot some pool. Bud was still inside, closing up.
My back was screaming, and I stretched my arms high in the air, trying to head off a cramp. I wouldn’t need to work out tonight, and I’d be hurting tomorrow. But it felt good.
Bud waited inside the back door. “Brace yourself for a lecture,” he said as he flipped the lock.
Great. I passed on by him to head to the tiny break room, just a little closet where we had a fridge and a sink. I yanked a bottle of water from inside and chugged the whole thing in one long gulp. Bud had mostly been hands off as a boss. He brought me on two years ago when I was flat busted and going to have to drop out of school.
I’d been hauling groceries but my car had crapped out and I couldn’t afford the parts. I sold the Camaro early on to pay for my first year of school, replacing it with junkers, but I’d run slowly in the hole with college expenses. Mario and I knew each other from the pool hall, being about matched for skill, and won money off each other at an even clip. He brought me to Bud, who hired me to rotate tires and change oil for twice the pay I earned as a sacker.
Bud filled the doorway, stinking of grease and sweat and a long day.
“So you gonna tell me to stay in school?” I asked.
He wiped his hands on a rag, slowly, with deliberation. “I know you got a shit dad.”
I exhaled in a rush. “Who the hell thinks that?”
“Nobody had to say it. I can see it. Chip on your shoulder as big as my dick.”
I snorted. He had a way with words, that Bud. “So you’re stepping in?”
“Don’t get smart with me.” He pointed a finger at my nose with an intensity I’d never seen in him. “I got a boy at home.”
“I didn’t know you had a son.”
“Don’t talk about him much.” He fumbled in his overalls and pulled out a wallet. Like me, he had a single picture in the center. The boy in the shot was a man, full grown, but with a kid quality to him. His eyebrows were high in the air, like he was surprised, and his goofy grin was infectious.
“He’s all grown, but he lives with me still. Thirty now, but his mind…” He pointed at his forehead. “His mind is like he’s about five.”
I looked down at the picture again. I could see it.
“Marci and me, bless her soul, we only had the one.” He turned the photo around. “Never could seem to get her pregnant again.” He tucked the wallet in his pocket. “Don’t get me wrong, Andy is enough. And now that she’s gone, I’m glad he’s with me. Gives me something to come home to.”
I leaned on the fridge, staring at a big scratch across the freezer door. I wasn’t sure about his point, but I had a feeling it was coming.
“What I’m saying is that if you’ve got the opportunity, you take it.” He cleared his throat. “When I hired you, you wanted your degree. You needed a job that got you the extra to get you through. I know you ain’t got nobody to fall back on. So don’t throw away what opportunity God gave you, ’cause the Big Guy don’t go around giving it to everybody.”
He turned away and stormed across the empty bays.
I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the cool fridge. I couldn’t tell how much of what Bud said was blowing smoke and how much he meant business. Maybe I could find some other way. I mean, if Corabelle was dropping astronomy, then that would be fine. I just had to make sure I didn’t run into her anywhere else. Lie low. Eyes to the ground.
We were adults. We could do this. It was just the shock of it, seeing each other again after all those years.
I pushed away and headed to the time clock to punch out. Bud was sitting at his desk by the front window, locking up the register.
He turned to me as I passed through. “You all right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“You going to give me your schedule so I can work you in?”
I unlocked the door and pushed it open. “I’ll bring it tomorrow.”
“Good.” He stood up to lock the door behind me.
The gravel crunched beneath my boots as I headed toward my Harley, the only transportation I could manage these days, gas being what it was. Mario had found the body as a junker and I worked on the parts, building it piece by piece. I wondered if Corabelle had ever ridden a motorcycle, if she had had a chance in the intervening years.
The motor vibrated between my legs as the Harley roared to life. Something unfurled in me, coming down like I’d been coiled up. Staying in school was the right thing to do. Bud was right. I’d make it work.
•*´`*•*´`*•
I wasn’t particularly looking forward to Wednesday and astronomy class. My Harley cornered hard as I circled into my usual spot. Students needed to wise up to bikes. Way easier to park and no buses or schedules to worry with.
A girl smiled at me, holding a couple books to her chest, long blond hair flowing down her back. I yanked off my helmet and dropped it in the saddlebag. Chicks and bikes. Secondary benefit, although not one I availed myself of, at least not with girls like her. I had no use for them. No matter how much precaution you took, things could go south. I had very precise taste in women these days, and sweet sorority girls didn’t qualify.
As I secured the bag, Corabelle flashed back into my memory, her hair across a pillow. We lived together for two months, two sweet damn months, once we figured out we were staying in New Mexico to raise the baby. We had a little apartment, and hell, the whole town was helping us out. Low rent, used furniture. And I had her all to myself, all the time.
We had this back window in the bedroom, big as the wall and no curtains, since it faced a crazy tall fence and nobody nowhere could see in. In the mornings, light would stream in. I’d wake Corabelle up for school, give her a glass of water, and a cracker if she was feeling queasy, but by then she was better, not as sick.
Some mornings, she would look at me a certain way, and I’d know she was feeling all right, and I’d kiss her, and that connection would just charge through us like the sun blasting across the bed. It all got tied up together, loving on her and the beams of light on her hair, the swell of her belly and having all her skin to touch and look at. Mine. She’d been mine. We’d been crazy with it.
Enough.
I slung my pack over my shoulder and shoved sunglasses on my face. Keep it down. Even if she had dropped my class, she probably was walking to some other morning course. Seeing her would not improve my mood.
The jaunt to the engineering hall was mercifully short. I skipped the stairwell where we talked two days ago and hustled all the way to the other end of the building. Then I realized I was being stupid and went back down the hall, opened the damn door, and went up the damn stairs. I was acting like a sentimental ten-year-old girl, and I knew what they were like. My little sister had been ten when I took off.
My jaw tightened as I passed the spot where I caught Corabelle on the rail. She felt so different, lean and strong. The last months we’d been together she’d been pregnant. I’d forgotten her body.
Like hell I had.
The door yielded to my shove and swung open with another slam. At least there weren’t any moon-eyed girls this time. The classroom door was propped open, so I headed in and plunked down at the end of a center row.
“I don’t think that one’s yours,” a girl said, raising her eyebrows at my sunglasses.
“What do you mean?”
“We got assigned seats by the TAs.”
Shit. I stood up and looked around. Students dotted random chairs. Up at the podium, one of the TAs pointed a guy to a row. She must have the chart.
I strode up to her and yanked off my sunglasses. “Mays,” I barked.
She jumped a little. “What?”
“Mays. Where do I sit?”
Her face bloomed red as she consulted the page. “Fifth row, tenth seat.”
I turned away to head back, but then stopped. Corabelle was in the doorway, watching me with anger and disgust. My fist clenched, then relaxed, then clenched again. She’d seen me acting like an asshole. Whatever. I’m sure it made ditching me easier.
She took tentative steps along the back aisle, and I could see in her face how much she didn’t want to be here. I guessed she wasn’t able to drop the class. Didn’t surprise me really. Of all the years I’d been enrolled at UCSD, this one had been the worst in terms of getting the classes I requested.
I sank into my seat, unable to take my eyes off her. So much for lying low. She seemed a little lost, but some girl with pink hair pointed her toward the podium. Corabelle took the long way around to the other side of the room rather than pass me again. She asked the blond TA about her seat.
The pink chick watched me with distrust the whole time. I figured she had to be a friend of hers. She held that stare so long that I finally waved.
Corabelle looked at my row, and I realized we were going to be close to each other. My last name and Corabelle’s were only six letters apart, and in our hometown, we often were seated close together in school. With barely a hundred people in the class, I wasn’t surprised when she ended up just a few seats down.
She didn’t look at me, and I knew I had to stop staring. I shoved my sunglasses back on my face, not caring if it made me look emo or that the room was really too dark to see.
The professor came in and powered on the projectors. Students began piling through the door, wandering around, some forgetting exactly where they sat and having to shift around. The girl with the chart straightened everyone out. It looked to be the way she was taking roll, also typical. My enthusiasm for the class was all but gone.
Robert, the TA for my group, went up to the girl TA and they compared lists to the chart. Robert crossed a name off his list and the girl wrote it on hers. That gave me an idea. If I told Robert I had to work on Thursdays, maybe he’d put me in another group. That way, Corabelle and I would only have to suffer being near each other during lectures. And who knows, maybe I could skip half of them and still pull a decent grade. It would be a lot easier going to the star parties knowing I wouldn’t have to be up there with her.
I’d catch up with the TA after class and make that happen.
Chapter 7: Corabelle
I tied my Cool Beans apron around my waist and yanked my hair into a serviceable ponytail. With a year’s worth of seniority, which at a coffee shop was plenty, I’d been able to take off the first two days of class, but now work beckoned.
Jenny dumped the tip jar onto one of the tables, sorting through the change to trade for paper. “I forgot how cheap the students were.”
I nodded, snagging the empty tip jar on my way to the counter. “We’re bottom-feeders.”
The shop was mostly empty, just a couple students with noise-canceling headphones working on laptops in the corners. One of them was a big-time regular, a clearly impoverished student who always bought one tea bag then asked for so many mugs of hot water that he had to be drinking nothing but wet sugar in the end. A couple of my coworkers teased me about him, saying he only came for me, but I didn’t see it. He always ordered, then asked for more water, and that was it. Not like it mattered. Dating was out, and with Gavin around, I’d be way too riled up to pay attention to anyone else.
Jenny came up behind me to the register, dumping in a pile of pennies. “First star party is tonight! You ready?”
“I’ll have to bust my butt to get there.” Now that my labs were on Wednesday, I had to take morning classes, put in my afternoon shift, and race back to campus. “Thank goodness it’s only every other week.”
“Tomorrow is my date with destiny and the lumberjack.” Jenny braced her elbows on the counter.
“You mean Robert?”
“I like him better as the lumberjack.” She stared up at the ceiling. “I like to think beneath those plaid sleeves lies raw muscle.”
Hardly. I had more bulk than that boy. But it was Jenny’s dream. “Did you break it off with hipster dude?”
Jenny popped up and untied her apron. “No way. Never jump ship until you have a lifeboat.”
I dropped some change into the empty tip jar to get it started. “Jenny’s life axioms. They are my favorite thing about you, you know.”
She stuffed her apron in the cabinet below the register. “Good. ‘Cuz I’ve got a million of ‘em. Are you excited? Tonight you will be at one of the most romantic spots in San Diego, on top of a building overlooking the ocean, gazing at the stars.”
“If we can even see them in the city.”
Jenny shoved me playfully. “Can’t you be romantic for at least a minute?”
“You wouldn’t want me romantic. I’d steal all your men.”
“As if!” Jenny laughed, then sobered. “Actually, maybe I do like you because you are a safe wingman. You never look at them.” She snatched her purse from the cabinet and slammed it shut. “You HAVE to call me and tell me what it’s like up there. I’ll want to know exactly how to dress.”
“Lumberjack will be busy, you know. Instructing.” I sorted through the customer numbers on little wire stands, organizing them into neat lines.
“I’ll make sure he notices me.” She headed for the door. “You better text me!”
The shop seemed quieter after she left, less colorful and bright. I didn’t think I ever lit up a room quite like Jenny could. I sank onto a stool, knowing I should get to the tasks I had to perform before a rush hit, but really, for the first time, I let it sink in that I was still in class with Gavin.
He looked so different with his sunglasses and black clothes. He’d changed since high school, no doubt. I didn’t know him anymore.
Tea-bag boy got up from his table and brought his empty cup to the counter. “Can I get some more hot water?”
I nodded, turning with the mug. As the steam curled up toward my face, I wondered if maybe I had been wrong to stay completely away from dating. If I had some other person in my life, Gavin probably wouldn’t have such an impact. This guy seemed normal.
Smile. Turn around and be nice. Give yourself something else to think about. I picked up the mug and carried it back to the counter. The boy wore a white shirt and cargo shorts. His hair was shaggy and dirty blond, his eyes hazel. When I didn’t let go of the mug, he raised his eyebrows. “You okay?”
“Sorry. Here you go.” God, I’d messed up already.
“Thanks.” He took the mug and headed back to his seat.
Some start. I watched him walk away, a little on the lean side, but intriguing and deep, like he could be an indie musician or maybe someone who wrote dark stories. There was an intensity in him, just below the surface of his laid-back ease.
He sat down and looked back at me, catching my stare.
I whirled around. Hell. I was mucking this up something awful. I sat on the stool and began a mindless task, picking up a bottle of syrup for Italian sodas and wiping it down with a damp cloth.
Fact was, I’d never dated, ever. Gavin was my best friend from before I could remember. We grew up together, and our relationship transitioned from talking about cartoons and games to who was starting to pair off and how far they were going.
My first kiss had been when I was twelve. We watched Hello, Dolly! and I was full of romantic expectation. I asked Gavin what it must have been like for those couples to kiss, and he hadn’t said a word, but took my hand and led me to my room, then my closet, shutting the door behind us.
A little light came in through the slats, crossing his face with fine lines. “What are we doing?” I whispered, even though I had known, my belly fluttering.
He placed a palm against each of my cheeks and leaned in, brushing his lips against mine.
The closet burst into color like the Fourth of July, sparks flying behind my eyes. I closed them without knowing I should.
Gavin leaned back. “Do you think we did that right?”
I put my hands on top of his and nodded. Something started that day. This happiness I always felt around him changed from something simple to a yearning, and I didn’t know what for.
But we kept kissing, a lot, more and more. In fact, with that head start, we jumped ahead of the curve for most of the things boys and girls did together.
“Miss?”
My head snapped up. Tea-bag boy was back.
I hopped off the stool and set the syrup bottle down. I had never gotten past the first one.
“Yes! Can I help you?”
He didn’t answer right away, and I could see he only came up to talk to me. “I just thought,” he began and looked back at his table, as if it might give him a clue to what he was after, then turned back to me. “You seemed…something.”
Panic rose in my chest. Jenny and the others had been right about him, and now I’d given him a reason to think I was interested. I had a hard time breathing, and I wondered why I had considered seeing anyone. It had just been too long since I felt this way, this crazy horrifying fear that I might be attracted to someone, that I might rely on them, and that they might just disappear.
The boy tipped his head. “Are you okay?”
“I —” Crap. I what? “I have to go turn something off.”
I raced along the counter and burst through the door to the back room. God, god, god. What was wrong with me? Would I be ruined forever? I leaned against a wall, one hand to my chest. My coworker Jason was supposed to be here, to help. Where was he? I wasn’t up for being out there. I should be doing my setup work in the back.
My chest had gone all tight. I knew what I should do, breathe slowly and relax, but instead I did the same thing as always and held my breath, making it worse, watching the spots flash in front of my eyes. Everything started going dark and my knees buckled. Without anything blocking my airflow, I knew I’d just sink to the floor, conk my head, and then come back around. I’d done it a thousand times in the last few years. It helped. For a few minutes, I always felt like I knew what it had been like for baby Finn, after the ventilator went off, and his little chest stopped moving up and down —
My head hit the floor.
The cold of the concrete against my cheek started bringing me back. The room returned in degrees, first dark, then lighter, then slowly gaining color and sound. I sat on the floor, my back against a wire rack of mugs. Stupid. I shouldn’t have done this here. I could have brought down a whole pile of dishes and lost an entire paycheck.
Or someone could have found me and seen just how crazy I could be.
I heaved myself up and headed to the sink. The water splashing on my face and neck helped me relax and regain control. I didn’t know any other way to cope.
I didn’t have to accept or reject that boy out there. I was going to be fine.
When I walked back out, another customer, a girl, was in line behind the boy. I couldn’t believe he was still standing there.
“You all right?” he asked.
“Did you need something?”
He looked confused and anxious. “I just – you seemed —” He stopped talking and stepped to the side so the girl could come up.
“I need another mocha latte,” she said, casting a quick glance at the boy.
“No problem,” I said and whirled away. The moment was gone. The boy would move on. I would never look at another one again, not until I knew I could handle it, whenever that might be.
When I turned around, the girl was pulling out one of those digital cigarettes. “We don’t allow those inside,” I said and pushed her latte across the counter.
“It’s not a real cigarette.”
“I know, but still, we ask you to take those things on the patio.”
The girl frowned. “I know my rights. There is no ban on these right now.”
This was making my day even better. I took in a deep breath, still feeling the constriction in my chest from my episode. “I don’t make the rules. I just get fired if I don’t enforce them.”
She dropped a five on the counter and picked up her latte. “So kick me out.” Her heavy footfalls on the hardwood floor echoed through the room as she stomped back to her table to make a big show of lifting the e-cig to her lips.
I couldn’t bear to look at the boy, who was still standing by the counter. This was humiliating, plus a problem. Martin wouldn’t really fire me, but he’d be upset. We kept asking him to put up a sign about the e-cigs, but so far he hadn’t done it.
“Hey.” The boy’s expression was full of sympathy. “If you could use a break from all this later, this is me.” He pushed a napkin toward me. “It’ll go straight to my phone.”
The napkin stuck to my damp hand. Austin Thompson. OneQuirkyDude44 was his e-mail handle, which struck me as funny.
“Made you smile.” He tapped the counter twice and turned back to his table.
Jason burst through the back door, his dreadlocks flying behind him. “So freaking sorry. Traffic was a bugger.”
I folded up the napkin and stuck it in my apron pocket. “It’s fine. Only two people here.”
He caught me tucking the note away, but had the sense not to say anything about it. Instead, he pushed an errant hunk of hair out of his face. “Old Man Martin is going to sock it to me if I’m late anymore.”
“He won’t hear it from me,” I said.
“You cool with me saying I was here on time?” He reached around me for an apron below the counter, but I saw him glance at my pocket, as if he was dying to ask about the folded napkin.
I stepped out of his way. “Sure. No point getting fired.”
“That’s why everyone likes you.” His fingers flew as he tied the strings. “Even if you are a Frozen Latte.”
I winced at the nickname and glanced over at Austin, hoping he hadn’t heard.
But Jason caught me looking. “Awwww! Is the ice queen thawing out?” He looked at the pocket yet again.
I backed away toward the door to the storage room. “I have to do the setups.”
“We’ll be calling you Hot Pumpkin Spice before it’s over!” he called after me.
Austin was bound to have heard that. I bolted to my sanctuary and set to grinding the beans that would get us through the evening rush, wishing I could remain invisible forever.
