Текст книги "Forever Innocent"

Автор книги: Deanna Roy

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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

Chapter 28: Corabelle

I was pretty sure I’d never had a hot dog as good as this one.

Gavin laughed at me, mustard topping his upper lip like a mustache. He reached over with a yellow fingertip and traced my upper lip. I felt something cold left behind, and ran my hand over my mouth. It came back yellow. “You have not grown up one bit, Gavin Mays!”

We sat on the beach at La Jolla, surrounded by people soaking up the sun. Nobody was venturing into the water, due to the chill. My butt was covered in sand and the hot dog was gritty, but something about stepping over that line must have worked because I couldn’t stop laughing.

“You used to love it when I gave you a mustard mustache!” Gavin put on a goofy grin and rolled his eyes. “Mr. and Mrs. Mustardash!”

“When I was six!” I laughed and swiped his lip with a napkin, only succeeding in smearing it up to his nose. “I can’t take you anywhere.”

“You can take me to Black’s Beach. We don’t have to wear anything but our ’stach.” He waggled his eyebrows at me.

Heat rose up from my belly, and I knew I’d be taking him into my bed again that night. I vibrated with need for him and already lamented wasting a day with my angst and indecision. Just going with it was so much easier, so much more natural.

He misunderstood my silence, running his hand along my arm. “I would never push you on this, Corabelle. I can wait for you to come back to me.”

I stuck my hot dog back in the paper tray and crashed into him, knocking us both into the sand. I leaned over him, ignoring the stares of families around us. “I think I’m already done waiting.”

He lifted his head, his mouth perilously close to my lips. “Then what the hell are we doing on this beach?” he whispered.

We snatched up our trash and dumped it into the nearest bin. Sand kicked up from our feet as we hightailed it back to my car. “You better drive fast!” Gavin insisted as we backed out of the parking space.

“I might run over small children!” I shouted, then realized I’d just made a reference to kids without feeling horrible inside. Gavin was right. We could choose to let go of the stranglehold our past had on us.

I careened through town, flooring it between lights as we headed back to my apartment. “God, remember that time the police pulled me over just a block away from my house?” I asked.

Gavin laughed. “The one time I thought it would be clever and sexy to unbutton your pants in the car.”

My face burned just remembering. “I just knew he was going to ask me to get out, then my parents would come and see me both half-dressed and with the cops.”

“What had you done?”

“I think a taillight was out or something.”

“It certainly wasn’t speeding.”

I stomped on the gas. “You mean like this?”

He laughed. “You are one terrible driver.” His hand snaked over to my thigh. “I think it was something like this, right?” He unsnapped my jeans.

Sparks shot through my body, and I eased off the gas, unable to drive irrationally if I couldn’t focus on the road.

“Or was it more like this?” Gavin lowered the zipper and slid his thumb along the edge of my panties.

We came to a red light, and I was relieved, because I was afraid I’d start swerving if he did anything more. “Gavin, we’re going to have a wreck.”

“Then I better make the most of this traffic light.” His palm flattened against my belly, and he reached farther down.

Now I couldn’t think about anything but his fingers, slipping inside me, pressed tight inside the jeans. The light turned green and a car behind me honked. I jumped, startled, and Gavin chuckled. “I’ll be good,” he said, but he didn’t remove his hand, just kept it still.

I stayed off the freeway, taking side streets since I didn’t trust him not to distract me, even if he didn’t intend to. His hand was hot against my skin. When we got to the next light, he started up again, a gentle pulse in just the right spot. My breathing grew faster. I wished it was dark so we could simply pull over somewhere, but the midafternoon sun was merciless and bright.

When I hit the gas again, his hand stilled, but the ache was so fierce I couldn’t concentrate. “We’re closer to my place,” he said. “You can turn right here and it’s two streets down.”

I jerked the wheel and followed his directions to a set of aging apartments. I didn’t relax until I’d pulled into a spot and killed the engine. “Can we go in now?” I asked, my body trembling all over.

“Not just yet.” Gavin released his seat belt but left his hand in my pants. He couldn’t unbuckle mine without pulling out, so he left it but turned toward me, letting his free hand trace my collarbone. “I like it right here.”

I shut my eyes to the open windshield and let the movements of his fingers send cascades of pleasure through me. I felt completely wanton, spreading my knees as he found the perfect placement, spiraling me up into showering sparks.

“I want to hear you, Corabelle. Talk to me.”

We’d always had to be so quiet when he snuck in my window that when we finally got our own place, he always asked me to talk to him, to let him know what I was feeling with sounds.

I began with a whimper, the smallest noise. He began to work faster, deeper, and shifted his free hand down to my breast, tweaking the nipple. I forgot everything then, where we were, who might see, and my voice grew to an elongated “oh.”

“That’s my girl,” Gavin said, and now the second hand aided the first, spreading me more open, and his fingers worked that perfect pattern until I hit a peak.

“Gavin!” I cried, then kept it going, “Oh my God, Gavin Gavin Gavin Gavin.” I couldn’t take any more, everything was swollen and writhing and painful with need until finally I was over the top and clutching his hands, keeping them still as the orgasm crashed through me, long and rhythmic. I didn’t even know what sound I was making, just that it must have been loud, as Gavin covered my mouth with his, kissing me as I came down and back to reality.

We sat there a while, my hands on top of his, hiding my exposed belly as people passed by on the walkway through the complex. I closed my eyes again, not wanting to think about anybody knowing what we had done.

Gavin knew what I was thinking. “Nobody saw,” he whispered. “You were amazing.”

My mouth was dry. I swallowed and said, “I think you were the amazing one.” He had skills now, beyond what he had done to me when we were teens. I tried to push away the thought of the girls he might have practiced on, but realized too that my responses were different, and he might be wondering the same thing. And there had been no one.

Don’t let your past steal your future. It applied to both of us. Whoever they might have been or however many, they were the past. I was his future. He meant what he said, and he was willing to show it, to do whatever it took.

I opened my eyes, and Gavin was right there, looking at me with amusement. “You ready to face the world?” he asked.

I nodded. He withdrew from me and I buttoned back up. “I’m going to make you suffer for that,” I told him.

He kissed me quickly on the cheek. “I look forward to my punishment.”

We hustled from the car and he led me by the hand to where he lived. His home. I could look forward to another night in his arms, to revel in the company of someone who had known me as long as I’d been alive.

Chapter 29: Gavin

When Corabelle took her seat down the row from me in the lecture hall, it was the farthest apart we’d been since yesterday. I could barely stand being ten feet away, but it was comforting to lean forward and be able to see her, knowing she would smile back at me.

Her friend watched us come in, obviously anxious to get to Corabelle and find out what had happened. I hoped she got every scintillating detail and felt bad for not helping me sooner, although I guess I had to thank her for giving Corabelle my number in the first place.

The professor droned on about supernovas, the rock stars of stars. The lecture was sort of interesting for once, and somewhat related to geology, so I should have been listening, but Corabelle was too close and the memories of yesterday too fresh. I’d followed her into the shower that morning, and just thinking about all the places the soap suds had gathered on her body made parts of me wake up.

Corabelle was trying to pay attention, hunched over her iPad and tapping wildly, but every time I glanced at her, she looked at me, and we were like two little kids with a big secret, grinning like fools. I could scarcely stand it, dying for class to be over just so I could touch her in some small way. Maybe we could rechristen the stairwell with a completely different sort of memory than what it held for us now.

Everyone started to get out of their seats, and I realized I hadn’t even noticed that the professor had stopped talking. I pushed past the students trying to walk in front of me and moved toward the middle of the row as Corabelle packed her bag. The pink girl headed straight for her too, eyes on me, and her brows shot up when I leaned down and kissed Corabelle on the forehead.

“So I guess you ended up not having any time to write me back all weekend.” She pouted, her bright lips matching her hair.

“Sorry,” Corabelle said. “We were all over the place.”

“All over each other, I’m guessing.” She crossed her arms over her neon green sweatshirt, one shoulder cut out to reveal an equally bright pink tank. That girl liked her color.

Corabelle didn’t answer that, and I had to force myself to keep quiet and let them have their tiff. When she stood up, I took her hand.

“I get it,” the girl said. “I get a little crazed over a new guy.”

“I’ll call you later on, okay?” Corabelle said.

“All right. I want details.” She appraised me from my boots to my black T-shirt. “They’re bound to be good.”

“Let’s go,” I said, tugging Corabelle toward the door.

“You two lovebirds going up in the tilted house now or saving it for later?” the girl asked.

I turned around. “What are you talking about?”

“The assignment,” Corabelle said. “The professor gave us a task to do in the house on the roof.”

“Somebody was in la-la land,” the girl said, and I really wished she’d just go away. “I have to put in an extra shift at Cool Beans, but you might want to get it done. They aren’t open but a few hours a week.”

About the last thing I wanted to do was waste what little time I had before heading to Bud’s on homework, but Corabelle said, “That’s a good idea.”

When we got out in the hallway, instead of heading for the stairwell, she went for the elevator. Several others in the class were waiting outside it, and I could see we were going to have a lot of company. “What are we supposed to do up there?” I asked her.

“Measure the angle of a photograph on the wall against the true straight line from the center of the ceiling. There’s apparently a chandelier that hangs properly.”

“Can’t we just get this off their website or something?” I asked.

Corabelle squeezed my hand. “It’ll be fun.”

I wanted to say, no, you naked on my sofa would be fun, but we were surrounded by students. I pulled her to the back of the group as the others squeezed onto the elevator. “Let’s see if the rest of them can get through it first and then we’ll go.”

“Okay.” She let me lead her down the hall and pull her around a corner that ended abruptly in a doorway to a lab with a biohazard sign and more security locks than Fort Knox.

I yanked her into my arms and kissed her thoroughly. I didn’t stop until I felt better, less tense than I’d been having to sit away from her during class.

“Gavin,” she said. “We do have to carry on with normal life.”

I pulled her in close. “I don’t want to.”

She laughed. “You have that same whiny voice you got when you had to go home every night when I lived with my parents.”

“Feels about the same too.”

“You’re killing me. I don’t remember getting this sore before.”

“We never had a break before.”

She wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my chest. I could have stayed there for hours, but the locks behind us began to turn, and we had to step out of our secret alcove to let a harried-looking student dash by.

“We should probably head up,” Corabelle said.

I sighed. “Okay. I still think we can get the answer somewhere else.”

“You didn’t pay a lick of attention in class, did you?”

“How could I, when you were sitting so close, naked under all those clothes?”

Corabelle smiled, and once again I wanted to revel in it, seeing her happy again. I vowed never to do anything to take that smile from her. Maybe I could do a reversal on the vasectomy somewhere down the line without telling her. It would work. I would make it work. She didn’t even have to know what I had done.

We punched the button to the elevator, and I was pleased to see it empty when it opened. I held her close as we ascended to the roof garden. The tilted house was part art experiment, part joke, depending on who you asked. It had been installed a year ago and made a big splash in the student papers. I hadn’t paid much attention at the time, but you couldn’t help but notice the little blue building if you looked up, hanging off the roof like it might fall with the slightest breeze.

“Have you been up here before?” Corabelle asked as the doors slid open.

“Nope.”

“Good.” We stepped out into the hall. A dozen or so students were waiting to get in to go down. I recognized a couple from the row in front of me. “27 degrees,” a tall guy in a hipster fedora said.

“I got 28,” countered a girl.

“It’s 27,” said another girl.

“I say let’s go with 27 and head out,” I said to Corabelle.

She shook her head and tugged on my arm, past the growing horde and through the glass doors.

The garden was still blooming, chaotic with flowers and bees, and a few straggling students who were all saying, “27 degrees, don’t bother measuring” and moving back up the path.

We waited by a pair of Adirondack chairs for the rest of them to move through and walked up the steps to the house. Inside, a woman with a badge led an older couple around the small interior room. “Sorry about the crowd,” she told them. “Sometimes professors require their students to come up here.”

“What are those blue flowers by the door?” the woman asked, and the three of them stepped outside the house to look.

I pulled Corabelle into the corner by the fireplace, catching her as she stumbled into me. “This is very disorienting,” she said.

The floor was slanted, and the walls were at opposite angles, the pictures hanging to complete the unsettling sense that you were the one off-center. Corabelle clutched my arm. “Are you feeling sick?”

“It’s strange.” My head couldn’t quite wrap around the disconnect between the tilted floors and slanted walls and the way my body tried to hold itself.

“Look up at the chandelier,” she said, still trying to find her footing.

I pulled her closer and examined the metal loops hanging from the apex of the ceiling. Seeing a straight line that matched what my brain said was up and down calmed the sensation that I was falling sideways.

“It’s like finding true north,” Corabelle said.

We still held on to each other as though we were lashed to a ship’s mast in a storm, but she no longer seemed like she was going to fall. I knew if we looked anywhere else, to the sides, or down, or even straight ahead to the door, we’d lose our balance again. But as long as we focused on the right spot, the world was manageable.

The tour guide stepped through the door. “It’s calming, isn’t it? Some people actually feel sick inside here, like the last poor couple. But if you just stare at the chandelier, you find peace within your discomfort.”

“Who built this?” Corabelle asked.

“It was installed by Do Ho Suh, an artist from Korea,” the woman said. “He wanted others to feel the disorientation that he felt coming to a new country.”

“It certainly works,” Corabelle said. Now that she had looked away from the chandelier, she gripped me hard, already starting to sway. “Do you get used to it?”

“I only volunteer here once every two weeks, so I have to adjust all over again every time. After about half an hour, I can manage. Are you here for the assignment?”

“Yes,” Corabelle said.

“The picture your professor wants you to measure is that one.” She pointed to an image of a baby, allegedly one of the deans.

Corabelle tried to step toward it and stumbled into me. I managed to catch her, but my stomach began to turn. The angled walls seemed to be falling inward. I tried staring at the floor, but the position of my feet made the confusion in my brain hit a fever pitch.

I wanted out of there, back to normal ground, where I could control things again. Screw the assignment. “Come on, Corabelle,” I said. “It looks like 27 degrees to me.”

The guide looked displeased with us, and Corabelle almost protested. But when she turned to me, something in my face changed her mind. She just said, “Thank you” to the guide as I led her out.

Once we were back on a level surface, I expelled a huge breath. “Not my thing,” I said. “Thanks for not being the usual you and insisting we do the assignment the right way.”

“You were turning kind of green.” She squeezed my arm.

I glanced back at the house. It seemed perfectly normal from the outside, well, other than the fact that it teetered on the edge of an eight-story building. Funny how something so ordinary could knock you sideways.

We reentered the hallway and waited for the elevator. “Can I make dinner for you tonight?”

“Since when do you cook?”

“I’ve got the internet. I can figure it out.”

Corabelle harrumphed. “I’ve got to see this. When do you get off?”

The doors slid open and I pulled her close to me. “As soon as you get there.” As the elevator closed, I lowered my mouth to hers.

Chapter 30: Corabelle

“Girlfriend, you have to SPILL.”

Jenny hadn’t let me so much as tie my Cool Beans apron before peppering me with questions about Gavin.

The shop was quiet midafternoon, just a few regulars. Austin was conspicuously missing. He probably decided to stop coming. Jenny perched on a stool in front of the counter covered with little table signs. She was switching the summer specials out for the fall coffees. I winced when I saw “Hot Pumpkin Spice,” which Jason had threatened to re-nickname me with.

“About time we switched out the menu,” I said.

Jenny pointed a finger at me. “No stalling. I want to know everything.”

“We seem to have gotten back together, that’s all.” All sorts of torrid scenes flashed through my head, the car, the shower, on his weight bench. But I didn’t need to share all that.

“Will you return to the dish room for a grand finale?”

I laughed. “I don’t think so.” Although I silently thought, maybe.

“Huh. Corabelle laughs.” Jenny stuck another cardboard sign into a metal frame. “Maybe this hunk boy isn’t such a bad thing.”

“We always used to be good together.”

“Until he walked, right?” Jenny snatched up a handful of the table signs. She handed several to me, and I followed her out into the main room.

Jenny was always quick to the point. “He did. It was bad.”

She set a frame down, cutting her eyes at me. “And you think he’s changed his ways?”

I moved to the other tables, dropping the signs in the center of each one. “We’re not teenagers anymore.”

“Doesn’t mean we grow up.” Jenny pointed to her cotton-candy hair. “I mean, look at me. Who’d guess that I’m legal to drink?”

Anger started simmering. What did Jenny know about Gavin or how he might have changed? I smacked a couple more signs on the far tables.

“Don’t start getting upset, Corabelle. I’m only worried about you. The whole time I’ve known you, you’ve been crazy cautious, ignoring anyone who glanced your way.” She slid the last frame across the corner table, the one Austin used to sit at. “Now you’re jumping in with both feet. Just strikes me as sudden.”

She weaved through the chairs. “What do you really know about Gavin, as he is right now? People can change a lot in four years, especially after something like that.”

I had changed too. Jenny didn’t know that I was the one with everything to hide. But I’d crossed that line, just like Gavin told me to, and I wouldn’t think about it anymore. It didn’t matter now. My future would not be stolen.

“I don’t know what I’m risking here, exactly,” I said. Although I did. Another pregnancy. My heart. Another disaster.

“Okay. I get it. He’s worth it.” Jenny headed back to the counter as a family of four entered the shop. “I’ll be here if it turns out he isn’t.”

Dang it. Now I was blue. I walked to the back room to check on how many beans were ground and what desserts might have been delivered for the evening shift. I didn’t appreciate being dragged from my happy-cloud, but it had to happen sometime. Gavin and I had only been back together for a day. We hadn’t exactly been put to any tests.

•*´`*•*´`*•

Gavin opened his apartment door. “Breathe the fantastic aroma of my cooking,” he said.

I yanked the price tag off his immaculate oven mitt. “I have a feeling you’re new at this.”

“I’m hoping for beginner’s luck.”

I walked inside. The old smell of sweaty socks and gym equipment had been replaced with garlic and warm bread. “I stand corrected. Maybe you can cook.”

The living room was mostly clear of workout gear, and a tablecloth covered the crates that he used as a coffee table. On it was a fat candle and two mismatched plates. “Wine for my lady?” Gavin asked, handing me a plastic stemmed cup filled with something red.

“You’re outdoing yourself,” I said.

“Not really. It’s a frozen lasagna and store-bought garlic bread. But it’s a start.” He clinked his plastic cup against mine.

I sniffed. “Something might be burning.”

He stuck his wine glass on the shelf of a listing bookcase and hurried to the kitchen. I tried not to giggle.

Gavin brought out a cookie sheet with a loaf of garlic bread, blackened on the edges. “We can eat the middle,” he said.

“Absolutely.” I moved out of his way as he set the tray on the coffee table.

“Let me check on the lasagna.”

I followed him into the kitchen. He pulled the aluminum dish out of the oven. “Looks right,” he said.

“Let me see.” I picked up a spatula and poked the surface of the noodles. The edges were bubbly and soft, but the middle was still frozen solid.

“I wrecked it, didn’t I?” he asked.

“You can put it back in.”

“But the bread is done.”

I laughed. “Don’t worry. We can eat around the edges.”

Gavin went for the plates, and I pushed through the layers to find the thawed parts. He had a microwave at least, so we could heat up the pieces if necessary.

“I’m not used to cooking anything more than leftover pizza,” he said.

I plopped a lukewarm slice of lasagna onto one plate. “You did great.”

He handed me the second plate. “You were always diplomatic.”

“Just where you’re concerned.”

We returned to the living room. “Drink faster,” Gavin said. “Then everything will taste perfect.”

“Sounds like a plan.” I lifted my glass. “To making the best of things.”

Gavin picked up his cup. “To making the best of things.”

The dinner reminded me of those two months we’d lived together, other than the wine, which made me feel light and loose before we’d finished eating. When Gavin leaned back on the sofa, drawing me into him, I let out a happy sigh. “We’ve got this now,” he said. “It’s going to be like it should have been.”

My heart rebelled. “It will never be like that. Finn changed things.”

“You’re right,” he said. “Of course. But we’re here. We’re together. We can go on now.”

I wasn’t sure if it was the wine, or the mention of the baby, but suddenly I felt like weeping. I turned my face into Gavin’s shoulder, trying to bring back my happiness, to stay on his side of the line.

“Hey,” he said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to act like he didn’t exist.”

I shook my head against his shirt. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk at all. Instead I put my hands on either side of his face, holding him firmly, and kissed him. Gavin knew the places to go to make me forget. I could hate him for leaving, for taking away my escape. But I had him now, and I didn’t have to do this alone any longer.

He lifted my legs and swung them across his lap. “You’re wearing entirely too many clothes,” he said.

“So, take care of it.”

Gavin slid his arm beneath my knees and stood, lifting me with him. He’d always been strong, but now the workouts and mass of muscles eclipsed the body of the boy he’d been at eighteen. I held on to his neck as we moved down the hall to his bedroom, ready to revel in another night where I didn’t have to think about anything but each moment as it came.

•*´`*•*´`*•

Sometime in the night I awoke with a pain in my side, like a stitch, but lower, in my abdomen near my hip. I crawled from the bed and padded to the bathroom, wincing at the light. On the birth control shot, I didn’t bleed often, but sometimes it came lightly. I wiped carefully, grimacing at the tiny smear of pink. That wasn’t typical.

I flushed the toilet paper, trying to calm my panic. Maybe Gavin should wear a condom, make doubly certain nothing happened. I had no idea when to expect cycles and wouldn’t know if I got pregnant any more than I had the first time.

Remembering the positive test, just a week after the SAT and that period where I’d smoked more weed than a 1960s stoner, made my breath speed up out of habit. I gulped in air, trying to slow it down. I’d just drunk a half bottle of wine, and that was no better if I got pregnant and didn’t know. I hadn’t learned anything. I hadn’t grown up one bit.

I knelt on the hard tile, trying to pull myself together. But my body was used to this, and as soon as my mind wandered, I realized I was holding my breath again and my vision dissolved into black and white.

I sucked in a fast breath. I didn’t need to hit the floor here at Gavin’s. I was done with that, totally finished. I had crossed the line, and I didn’t need this anymore.

The bed squeaked. Gavin. He might come in here, see me. I scrambled to my feet, wavering when the sudden movement made the spots come. I turned on the water and splashed my face. Control. I had to get in control.

Gavin’s head poked into the doorway. “You okay, baby?”

“Yes. All good.” The towel was rough against my skin. “Time to teach you about fabric softener.”

“That’s an extra fifty cents at the laundromat.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “But I guess you’re worth it.”

I turned in to him, accepting the comfort of his arms. I’d bring up the subject of condoms tomorrow.