Текст книги "Before You Break"

Автор книги: Christina Lee

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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

Chapter Eight
Quinn

I woke from a fuzzy night filled with vodka and rum dreams. I’d cried my sorry ass to sleep and hopefully my goddamn wussy tears were muffled by my pillow. Otherwise the guys would totally razz me or get on my case about being too stinking drunk.

I’d made the hotline call instead of playing poker with those jokers again. No way could I stomach any more pussy jokes—because I sure as hell wasn’t getting any—or losing any more money.

Had Brian been home, he’d have played video games with me, but he’d been out with Tracey. Even Ella would have played, but she hadn’t been around last night, either. Besides, being around her would have felt different. I’d have been too tempted to sit closer so I could feel her thigh brush mine and her breaths against my arm. Maybe get to know her better. I needed to get her out of my system already.

I’d considered driving my drunk ass out to the cliffs last night and then maybe going over, but I didn’t want to kill anyone else in the process. Sometimes, I parked there and stood on the edge, peering into the stormy water, hoping it would somehow swallow me up.

What Gabby had said to me on the hotline was probably standard. Possibly something she had to say to all the fucked-up people who called her. Regardless, it had touched something raw inside of me.

It was the way she’d said it. It reminded of something my aunt and uncle once said to me, after Mom and dad had left me home alone for hours. They had shown up at the house to rescue me. I’d been old enough to stay home by myself but not legal yet to drive. I was shoving my clothes and toothbrush into a bag so I could stay with them for the weekend.

“It sucks that you can’t pick your family members,” Aunt Gabby said, standing at the doorway to my room. Uncle Nick stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders in a show of support. “But you can choose who you surround yourself with and how you handle what you’re dealt in life. I hope you know how much we love you, even on days you don’t feel supported.”

“You are good, through and through. You hear me, Daniel?” Uncle Nick had said. “Don’t ever forget that.”

I’d pushed them away these past couple of years. I couldn’t look them in the eye. They were like surrogate parents to me and I was terrified to see the disappointment etched in their faces over what I’d done.

Talking over the phone felt freer somehow. Gabby had been right about that. The person on the other end couldn’t see you struggle through whatever you were telling them.

I knew there was good buried deep inside me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to keep up this farce for Sebastian’s parents. My intentions were good, even though I kept lying through my teeth every time I saw them.

So what did you do when all the good inside you was yanked deep into the abyss of your soul because of one big event? Was it possible for one act in your life to ruin everything else—to mar it, weaken it, poison it, make it sour? It had been for me.

* * *

Today was the fund-raiser car wash event with our sister sorority. I needed to get my butt up, especially since I was in charge of rags and bucket supplies. I had gone around and collected old clothes from the guys the other night and torn them into rags with Lucy from Sigma Tau.

I got my ass in the shower and then pulled on a worn pair of cutoff jeans shorts and a shitty T-shirt that I knew would come off when the sun beat down on us. It was an exceptionally warm spring day, the temperature already in the seventies, which meant more traffic would be sent our way.

When I walked downstairs, my chest tightened at the sight of Ella sprawled on the couch across from Brian, playing Call of Duty.

As I stepped into the room Ella looked up and said, “Hey, Quinn.”

I nodded and sat on the arm of the nearest chair.

“I was just dropping off bagels and coffee for the fund-raiser,” she said. “But Brian practically begged me to play the zombie version with him.”

“If you say so.” Brian laughed and then shoved his controller at me. “Dude, take over. I gotta make a beer run.”

When I looked at the screen Ella was totally obliterating all the zombies in her path.

“Take that, sucker,” she ground out through clenched teeth.

“You might not need me after all,” I said.

“I totally do,” she said, her voice suddenly elevated. “Hurry, I’ve been hit. I need you revive me.”

I plopped into the chair Brian had vacated to save her from total apocalyptic failure. For the next ten minutes we yelled, laughed, and swore at the screen until finally being overrun by the zombie population and suffering fatal blows.

“That’s the highest level we’ve ever gotten to,” Ella said, holding her arms up in triumph.

We sank back into our seats high on our small victory. She was smiling ear to ear and the way her blue eyes were so unguarded and sincere right then made her look angelic.

Yet sexy as sin.

I tried to channel my thoughts about what it would feel like to kiss her into something tamer. She must have noticed the change in my features because the smile slid from her mouth and she worried her bottom lip between her teeth.

I wanted to tug that lip into my mouth and suck on it long and hard. She looked down at her feet, a line of red creeping up her neck as if she could read my thoughts. As though she wouldn’t object to what I had in mind, either.

I needed to rein in my goddamn imagination before I did something irrational, and who better to help me with that than fucking Joel. He walked in the room holding a beer in one hand and a CD in the other. I looked away as my stomach clenched tight.

“Babe, weren’t you running home to change?”

“Oops, got too caught up gaming. Okay, I’m out.” Ella threw one last demure grin in my direction before hopping up. And I latched on to that smile like it was my goddamn lifeline or something. “Be back soon.”

Fifteen minutes later, five cars full of sorority sisters showed up blaring pop music from their speakers. They were loud and rowdy as they put the finishing touches on the huge signs they’d made to hold up on both corners of the street. They wore bikini tops and short shorts and would have no problems getting boatloads of cars to pull in and donate money to our cause.

And ironically enough, the charity the fraternity had chosen to donate to was a fucking national foundation to combat child and adult depression. So maybe we’d be contributing directly to Gabby’s salary after today.

The car wash always took place in the parking lot next to the frat house so there was room to spread out. I gathered up my buckets and towels and then came back to yank the hoses over there.

The next thing I knew the car wash was under way and cars were lined up around the corner waiting to pull in. I was so busy getting buckets filled with soapy water that I hadn’t noticed that Ella had returned with her two friends.

One was a petite blond with a tight little body. She was dating the tattoo artist all the guys in our frat used. They’d pushed me to get a tattoo also, but there was nothing I’d want stamped on my body except maybe something that reminded me of Sebastian. But then I’d have a literal daily reminder of my guilt. Not that I wasn’t reminded every day anyway.

Besides, I wasn’t worthy enough to wear his name anywhere on my body, especially since I was the one who had taken his life. What scumbag would do such a thing? Did murderers on death row wear the tattoos of their victims, for Christ’s sake?

Now I wondered if Ella had gotten her ankle tattoo from him. Bennett, I think his name was. I knew the other girl with Ella. Her name was Rachel and she’d hooked up with half the baseball team. She’d tried to make the moves on me twice before. She was gorgeous; I’d give her that, with those green eyes and full lips. I’d made out with her once at a party, but didn’t take it any further. Same reason as always. I’d rather mess around with someone who didn’t hang out with my friends.

Ella’s legs looked a mile long in those tiny cutoffs she wore. The straps of her black bikini top peeked out from under her pink tank and I wondered if she’d take off her top when she got hot enough. I imagined how she’d look standing in front of me in nothing but those damn skimpy shorts. Fuck, I was attracted to that girl.

Her hair was pulled up in a messy kind of bun and my fingers itched to reach up and release her brown waves. Our eyes met across the parking lot as I was soaping up a car bumper and I nodded at her to be polite. But she didn’t give me one of her secret smiles again. Her blond friend eyed me, too, and then looked back at Ella with a smirk. Had Ella told her friend what’d gone down in the bathroom between us?

Joel certainly hadn’t said a word, so I figured it had stayed between us.

And even if Joel had, I would’ve given him an earful about always being blitzed out of his mind when his girlfriend was around.

Joel stood behind Ella with his arms locked around her waist, yet he made sure to eye every chick in a bikini top. What an ass. Ella had to notice how he ogled other girls, and either didn’t care or didn’t care enough. Which was it, Ella?

Or maybe she was more insecure than I’d given her credit for. Why else would she put up with that shit?

Soon enough I got lost in the mind-numbing car wash assembly line. I was on wash detail and Ella was rinsing the cars with Joel. Her blond friend was helping with the cash drawer and Rachel had gone up front with a poster to flash her nice tits to the passing cars.

I heard a high-pitched squeal and looked in Ella’s direction. Joel had the hose pointed at some of the girls and before they could scatter, he started spraying. He got Ella in the face and her clothes became soaked. She manhandled the hose out of his hands with a couple of other girls and got him back good. Her laugh was infectious and I found myself listening for its sound as I continued to work.

Fantasizing about Ella was stupid, but it also let me forget for a little while. I was pretty damn sure I could easily get lost in that girl. And some days that was all that I wanted. But it wasn’t what I needed. And neither did she. Not with someone like me.

We were running out of dry rags, so I ran next door to the frat house to gather more from our basement floor. I slipped inside and bolted down the steps. I waved to two girls who had emerged from the bathroom on the other side of the room. The bathroom was dank and grungy but did the trick for parties and events.

I heard the screen door creak open at the top of the stairs, letting in a sliver of sunlight. Ella came bounding down the steps wringing out her tank top, too busy to notice me. She stood in front of the bathroom door and lifted her wet shirt over her head. I saw the smooth skin of her back, her delicate neckline, and how the baby hairs from her bun had gotten tangled in the knot of her black bikini top.

All I could think about was sliding my hand down the soft skin above her shorts, on the small of her back. I stepped closer and cleared my throat so she’d know she wasn’t alone.

She turned toward me, eyes wide.

“My bad,” I said, my voice coming out hoarse. “Sorry if I scared you.”

Her tits looked fucking amazing in that bikini top and I couldn’t help my jaw from hanging open as I tried to reign in my dirty thoughts.

She stood stock-still as my eyes roamed over her body.

Like she welcomed it. Wanted it. Needed it.

Her breaths became harsher and when my eyes met hers, she held me there, transfixed. I couldn’t have looked anywhere else even if I’d tried.

“You always seem to catch me in some state of undress,” she mumbled.

I moved nearer and noticed how water had beaded in her cleavage. I imagined my tongue lapping up each drop and my hard-on strained against my zipper.

“I’m not much better this time,” I said referring to my shirtless torso and wet cutoffs.

Her eyes skated over my shoulders, down my chest, to the front of my shorts. If she hadn’t had a clue how much she’d affected me, she would now.

Gazes pinned on each other, we both seemed to lose the ability to form coherent sentences. I was close enough to draw her into my arms and kiss the hell out of her, but I restrained myself.

The air between us was charged. It was obvious and imposing. My knees quivered as my urge to hold her amplified. To press my nose along her collarbone and taste her skin.

Ella was biting her lip so hard, I wondered if she’d draw blood.

Looking into her bright-blue eyes, I noticed her dark and thick lashes, the pretty rose color splashed across her cheeks, and the dainty hoop earrings she wore in her ears.

Both of our fists clenched tight, it was as if time stood still. Waiting on something to happen. For one of us to make a move. For someone to walk in and spot us huddled so closely together.

My own breaths were broken and rough and all at once Ella squeezed her eyes closed and inhaled sharply.

“Ella . . .” I closed the distance between us and placed my fingers on her warm arm. “Are you . . .”

I didn’t even know what I was asking. I was lost in her earthy smell, her soft skin beneath my touch, and her lips, moist because she had run her tongue across them.

I noticed how her nipples had pebbled beneath her swim top.

“Do you want . . .” I skimmed my hand up her shoulder to the nape of her neck and she shivered against my touch. She gazed into my eyes and took firm breaths through her nose.

“Say something, Ella,” I mumbled.

She shook her head and then slid her fingers to my waist. Her hands felt like they were on fire and my skin prickled like it might burst into flames.

The anticipation of this moment coiled tight in my stomach as I glided my hip against hers and pinned her to the wall. I was sure she could feel how aroused I was through the thin material of my shorts.

A moan tumbled from her mouth and her head fell back against the brick wall.

I leaned forward and dragged my nose along her jawline, resisting the urge to lick her skin. When I pulled back, the burning desire in her eyes was as palpable as mine.

I knew I shouldn’t take this any further. Not since she was dating Joel. And I figured she knew it as well.

But now I understood without question that she wanted me. And, fuck, I wanted her.

When I heard the screen door slap open upstairs, I took several steps back and turned away. Ella locked herself in the bathroom before two sorority girls came springing down the steps. I grabbed a pile of rags off the floor, moved them to the front of my shorts, and headed back outside.

Chapter Nine
Ella

I didn’t know what the hell happened to me down there, in the basement with Quinn. It was as if I’d become immobile and couldn’t get unstuck to save my life.

My body was burning for him and all I had wanted was for him to kiss me, touch me, and claim me as his. Never in my life have I wanted that from someone the way I’d wanted it from him.

And that’s when I knew I needed to break things off with Joel. That it wasn’t right.

That it had never been right.

Even if Quinn and I never ended up together, it was wrong to be dating one person and lusting after another. Joel and I hadn’t had sex in a couple of weeks. We hadn’t even made out. I wasn’t sure why he was hanging on, either, when he could be free to hook up with whomever he wanted.

Despite his dark shades today, I still noticed how Joel reveled in checking out all the skimpy-clothed girls. How he’d always done it, without regard for my feelings. And for the first time, it didn’t bother me. It hadn’t made me feel like I couldn’t compete, like I wasn’t skinny or pretty enough.

In one minute flat, someone else had made me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet.

Something Joel had never been able to do.

I’d get through this day with Joel and then decide the best way to walk away from him.

I made sure to avoid eye contact with Quinn the rest of the morning. I needed to get my thoughts in some semblance of order. Quinn shouldn’t have figured into this decision anyway. Sure, he may have been the catalyst, but that didn’t mean I was breaking up with Joel for him. He’d only helped me see what was right in front of my eyes.

Besides, Quinn didn’t date. So if anything, I’d need to decide if I could withstand a one-time fling with him. Could I walk away satisfied with the experience? Would I be able get him out of my system? I’d never been that kind of girl. But maybe it was time to channel my friends Avery and Rachel, who were experts at that sort of thing.

For the first time, I was thankful that Joel was already buzzed, so I didn’t have to talk to him about anything of substance. Instead, I tuned in to bits and pieces of conversations that involved Quinn and I realized that despite being quiet and brooding, he also was fun and had a charming sense of humor.

And other girls obviously liked that about him, too. He had a parade of admirers swarming him during the car wash. Maybe they realized he wasn’t the type of guy to try anything. And maybe that’s what made me feel so protected in the bathroom that one night. There were no expectations. I could just be myself. My very pukey, sick self.

And even in the intimate moment we’d just shared in the basement, he hadn’t tried to kiss me. I knew he wouldn’t do anything without asking permission. I think he might have been trying to ask, but he couldn’t get the words out. And neither could I.

“There’s a line of cars around the corner,” Lucy shouted. “We need more help up here.”

I handed the hose over to Joel and headed toward the front of the line along with Tracey and a couple other guys.

“Where can I find a spare rag?” I asked, looking around.

“There’s one in the bucket behind you.” Quinn pointed and then got started soaping up the passenger side of a blue sedan.

I hesitated for only a split second before joining him near the rear bumper. “I’ll start up front and meet you in the middle.”

“Sounds like a plan,” he said, stealing a quick glance out of the corner of his eye. My stomach swooped just from that small contact.

I began soaping up the front panel and despite our distance I could feel Quinn’s gaze press on me like a wall of heat. My skin tingled with anticipation. I thought of something to say. Just regular conversation. It had been so easy with him this morning when we had teamed up against the zombies.

But the exchange in the basement had been wholly different, and so my nervous energy had gotten the best of me. All I could think about was his mouth so close to my lips and how it would feel to be wrapped up in his embrace.

Thankfully Quinn had the wherewithal to break through the tension. “So, how long have you been a gamer?”

“Uh . . . not sure I’d call myself a gamer.” I stopped the motion of my soapy rag to look at him. “But I know a thing or two.”

“A thing or two?” he smirked. “You can totally hold your own, Ella. In Skyrim the other night you defeated Alduin at the Throat of the World. That’s damn impressive.”

I stifled a gasp. Maybe he had been paying attention all along.

“Guess I’ve been outed.” I grinned and dunked my rag in the soapy water again. “I grew up playing with my brothers. They loaned me their first-gen Xbox for my apartment—you know, the white console? Suppose it’s kinda what I do . . . in my spare time.”

When I looked up at him, he was watching me intently, his rag barely slopping over the dirty sections on the passenger door.

“You missed a few spots,” I said and stepped forward to help him out. To be closer to him as well. “I figured you’d be way more anal given that hot rod you drive around.”

His eyes lit up in a way I hadn’t noticed before. “Maintaining a vintage car is way more exciting than soaping up these cookie-cutter versions.”

“It sounds like it’s your hobby,” I said, tilting my head sideways as if that would give me a clearer view of him. “Do you restore cars, too?”

“I . . . I used to.” His eyes took on this faraway look, and I instantly wanted to know more. Way more. “But with classes and ball and stuff, it leaves little time.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” I said. “Seems like it’s your thing. And if I’m right about that, then you should find the time.”

His bottom lip hung open as if he was considering what I’d said. Before he could respond, Lucy started shouting again. “Guys, we need to move faster. We’ve got five cars waiting.”

“Guess we’d better step it up,” Quinn said and then rounded the car to finish the back windshield.

As the day wore on and the cars stopped coming, some of the guys fired up the grill and brought out the keg. We cleaned up the parking lot and brought the party back over to the frat house. We dried off, ate burgers and hot dogs, and drank some more beer.

Jimmy and Quinn took off for baseball practice. Quinn hadn’t had had a beer in his hand all morning, which told me how dedicated he was to his sport. Jimmy on the other hand, was cut off about an hour ago. Quinn had to remind him that coach would kick him off the team if he showed up drunk.

I walked home to change out of my wet clothes with Avery and Rachel. I hadn’t had to twist Avery’s arm too hard to help out today. She knew the cause was close to my heart. In fact, she clamped her mouth shut the moment I said the words childhood depression.

Avery was heading off to work at the nursing home and Rachel was coming to the frat house with me. They were having another party—a bonfire—that night and she hoped to hook up with one of the ballplayers once they returned from their practice. Jimmy had said he’d bring back some guys from the team, and she had her eye on the third baseman, Sam Riggins.

I considered not going to the frat house and saving my talk with Joel for the morning, when he was sober. But it was tough to dissuade the melancholy rising up in my throat at the thought of saying my final good-byes. And deep down I knew that I needed to see Quinn again.

“So, what’s going on, bitch?” Avery asked as we turned the corner to our street.

“What do you mean?” Damn, she was observant. Almost to a fault.

“What I mean is, your stupid-ass boyfriend is drunk again and he was checking out all the other half-naked chicks at the car wash,” she said, and I cringed. “And you’re busy checking out tall and gorgeous Quinn.”

“Quinn?” Rachel asked, and I almost murdered Avery for saying it out loud. I wasn’t ready to discuss it yet. “Damn, that boy is hot. Made out with him at the fall fest last year. He’s got a pair of lips on him that would . . .”

“Okay, TMI, asshat,” I said, shutting her down.

Rachel raised her brows at me. I’d never cared when she spoke of her conquests before. She always told hilarious and sexy stories, but hearing that she’d kissed Quinn brought out the green-eyed monster in me. Where in the hell had that come from?

“See what I mean?” Avery said. “Did something happen between the two of you?”

“No!” I said a little too quickly. But I couldn’t shake Avery’s penetrating stare. “Well, kinda. Sorta.”

“What?” Rachel said. “Ms. Loyal-to-a-Fault has something going on the side with Quinn? The hot guy who never hooks up with anyone? Now I’m jealous. Spill it, bitch.”

“Nothing happened,” I said, almost tripping over a branch in my path. “I can just tell there’s something between us. Ever since he helped me that one night in the bathroom a couple of weeks ago.”

Both of my friends remained silent, waiting on more juicy details. I sighed. “Every time we see each other there’s so much damn tension between us. At first I thought maybe it was just one-sided. But not anymore.”

“Then do something about it,” Rachel said, hooking her arm through mine as we strode toward our building. “Break it off with what’s-his-face first, since I know you’re not the cheating type.”

“How are you feeling about Joel?” Avery asked sliding the key into our lock. “I know I’ve been vocal about him lately. I just care about you, girl.”

“I know,” I said, slipping inside and yanking off my shoes. “I’m starting to feel . . . indifferent. Kinda numb.”

Avery tugged her hair from her ponytail and shook out her blond locks. “If Quinn weren’t in the picture, taking up room in your thoughts, how would you feel?”

“I don’t know,” I said. She’d brought up a good point. “You know things haven’t been right for a long time.”

“Then why are you hanging in there when there’s plenty of hot-guy ass all around you?” Rachel asked, wagging her eyebrows at me.

I threw her a look. She knew that was nothing like me.

“Okay, okay,” she said, folding herself into the couch. “Just Quinn ass.”

“Why are you hanging in there?” Avery asked, grabbing us bottled waters from the refrigerator.

“I don’t have a good answer. Been asking myself that question for awhile now.” I took a long swig of water. It helped wash down the anxiety bubbling in my throat. “He knows my family. And he coached Christopher.”

“That’s not a reason to stay with someone, ass,” Avery said. “Even Christopher would be shaking his head at you.”

I knew she was right. Somehow I had veered way off course in the last couple of months. I may not have been as bold or outspoken as my two friends were. But in my own way, I knew how to stand up for myself and go after what I wanted.

Avery sat down and placed her arm around my shoulder. “Joel may have been his coach, but that doesn’t mean he makes a good boyfriend for you. Or for anyone. You know that.”

I nodded, tears stinging my eyes. Letting go was way harder than it looked. Even when everything felt wrong. That was the reason I looked for constants in my life. And I should’ve known better by now.

“You can’t just do this for Quinn, though,” she said, smoothing my hair with her fingers. “You do this for you.”

“Obviously, dill weed.” I playfully yanked a piece of her hair. “Besides, he may be attracted to me, but that doesn’t mean he’d actually go through with it. Or that he’s dating material, either.”

“Oh, to get that boy in my bed for just one night,” Rachel said dreamily.

“It would be pretty epic.” Avery winked at me. “You should try it sometime.”