Текст книги "Playing with Trouble"

Автор книги: Chanel Cleeton

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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

Gray

I’d lost my 3L class sometime in the last fifteen minutes.

It had started in the back with a group of students who were definitely chatting on their computers, despite their attempts to pretend otherwise. Slowly I watched, lecturing from the front of the room, while their inattention spread throughout the class like a ripple.

Soon, attempts to disguise their chatting became less and less practiced, and before I knew it, the class was buzzing with a barely concealed whisper. And instead of hiding the fact that they were all clearly distracted, their gazes kept flickering to me.

What the fuck?

And then everyone’s attention, mine included, turned to the knock at the door. We all watched as the dean of the law school interrupted class, walked over to me, and said the nine words that as soon as they escaped his lips, sealed my fate.

“I need to see you in my office immediately.”

Nine words. Nine words and I knew—

The secret was out about Blair and me.

My mind and body went numb as I gathered my papers, casebook, briefcase, while he excused the class. While I followed him out of the classroom and up to his office. While he shut the door behind us and I faced the weight of my sins.

I’d fucked up. Utterly. Completely. Again.

But worst of all, my worst fear had come true—

I’d dragged her down with me.

Chapter Twenty-four

More information keeps coming out about Blair Reynolds’s latest love. Not only was he married before (and we have it on good authority that the divorce was NOT amicable), but apparently he spent some time in rehab getting over a certain white powder . . .

—Capital Confessions blog

Blair

I opened the front door and froze at the sight of Gray standing on my doorstep. He looked how I felt.

His tie was loose, his suit rumpled, his hair messy. His mouth was pursed in a hard line. His eyes looked tired, like he’d waged a battle and lost.

“I’m so sorry.” I moved toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling his body against mine. I held on, holding him to me like I never wanted to let him go.

I waited for the feel of his arms around my waist, for him to give me his mouth, to kiss me and infuse me with some of the strength I so badly needed.

He didn’t.

I pulled back, a new tension entering my body.

“Do you want to come in?”

He nodded.

I moved back, opening the door wider as he walked into the living room, his whole body tense.

I bit my lip. “Do you want a drink? Water?”

He nodded again.

It wasn’t easy to make myself walk to the bar cart and pour our drinks. My hands shook as I fumbled with the glass, my feet feeling like I was wearing lead boots.

I handed Gray his drink, my hands cold as ice as our fingers touched.

“Are you okay, all things considered?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

Better now that he’d actually spoken. “All things considered, yeah. Did you have to talk to the dean?”

“I quit.”

My jaw dropped. “What do you mean, you quit?”

“They were going to suspend me pending an investigation. It wasn’t worth the fight.”

Oh god.

“This is all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault. I knew this would happen. I should have stayed away from you.”

Dread filled me. I knew what was coming next.

His voice was hoarse. “I can’t do this anymore.”

And there it was. This is what I’d been afraid of from the moment I saw that stupid Capital Confessions headline. All along it had been an effort to make him believe we could be good for each other, that he wouldn’t ruin my life. He had so much doubt inside him, so much pain, and I knew with those words, that he was going to use this as an excuse to run.

“Don’t do this. Not after everything.”

“Blair—”

I grabbed the crystal glass sitting on the table, and hurled it at the wall. We both watched as it shattered, liquid spilling all over the floor.

His jaw dropped as his gaze darted from the broken glass to my broken heart.

I fisted my hands on my hips, the anger inside me screaming along with the shattering pain in my chest.

“You want someone to blame for all of this? Blame me. I know for a fact that there are two other professors dating students at Hannover. No one would give a shit that we were dating if it hadn’t leaked in Capital Confessions. And the only reason it made it into Capital Confessions is because of my family and my father. That’s not your fault.”

He shook his head, his expression angry. “You don’t get it, do you? If you were dating someone who was right for you, there wouldn’t be anything to put in Capital Confessions. They wouldn’t be talking about my stint in rehab, or my divorce, or any of it. It’s gained this much traction because everyone can see what you can’t. You deserve someone better than me. Someone who doesn’t have this many skeletons in their closet. Someone who can give you more.”

“I don’t want more. I want you.”

“Blair—”

My heart was breaking, but I refused to cry. He was wrong. So wrong.

I got in his face, some version of myself I’d yet to meet rearing her ballsy head.

“No. I’m not going to make this easy for you. You want an out, fine. But be a man about it. If you don’t want to be with me, then just tell me that. Don’t try to make this like it’s what’s best for me, because you are what’s best for me. You make me happy. I love you.”

The second I said the words, his face went white. I’d thought about how I would tell him for a while now, but I hadn’t imagined I would say it in anger in the midst of him breaking up with me.

“I can’t do this.” There was a plea in his voice as though he wanted me to make this easy on him.

I didn’t.

“No, you don’t want to do this. There’s a difference.” My tone dripped with bitterness and anger. “We could deal with it together.”

He shook his head. “The more attention our relationship gets, the harder it’s going to be for the school to just sweep it under the rug. Nothing we did violates any rules, but the way it looks in the public eye definitely matters. You said it yourself, they’re making a big deal of this because of the Capital Confessions mention. It’s not going to go away.”

“I’ve dealt with this shit my whole life. This might be new for you, but this isn’t the first time my personal life has been splattered all over gossip columns. Trust me, eventually it will die out. This is D.C. Someone will do something more scandalous than we have. We just have to ride it out.”

“And what happens to your reputation? How are you going to practice law in this town after everyone knows that you slept with one of your professors? You’re going to hear the whispers everywhere you go.”

“Newsflash, I already hear those fucking whispers everywhere about a host of things I’m not even responsible for. At least this time if people want to talk about me behind my back, it’s because of something I did as opposed to my freaking last name.”

“And when you try to get a job after law school?” he countered. “How easy do you think that’s going to be? You don’t want your future to be affected by this.”

“I hate law school. I don’t even know that I want to be an attorney. I studied my ass off all semester and all I have to show for it is a fucking two-point-five GPA. And you think that I would somehow give up the person I’m in love with for that?”

His jaw clenched. “It’s not just about law school.”

“No, it isn’t. It isn’t about me at all.”

“Blair—”

“It’s the same fucking thing with you, isn’t it? We keep doing this and it doesn’t change. I thought when we started whatever this is, when it became real, that I could convince you that this was right. That we were right.”

“When was it real, Blair? When we were sneaking around in my office? When we couldn’t go out in public together for fear that people would find out? Was that when it was real?”

I fisted my hands, trying to keep my temper in check, all while arrows shot me in the fucking chest.

“Don’t you dare.” My voice shook with each word, a combination of rage and hurt, making it painful to speak. “Don’t you tell me that what I feel isn’t real. I love you. You don’t get to take that away from me. You want to tell me that you don’t love me back, you want to throw my love back at me, fine. I can’t make you accept it, or make you love me. But do not tell me what I feel. This is real for me,” I shouted.

He closed his eyes, his jaw clenched, his body braced. “I do love you.” The words were barely a whisper, but they screamed through the gulf between us.

He leaned forward and I froze. His lips grazed my cheekbone, scalding me. My eyes slammed shut, as if not looking would make this any less real. As if this wasn’t what I knew it to be—

A good-bye kiss.

“That’s why I have to let you go,” he whispered.

Something wet touched my cheek and I wasn’t sure if they were his tears or mine.

When I opened my eyes he was gone.

*   *   *

I just sat on the couch, staring at the wall, mind and body numb.

I’d thought that walking out of my wedding was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I’d been wrong.

I didn’t know where to go from here, didn’t know how to move forward when it felt like everything was falling apart.

My phone rang for what had to be the twentieth time since Gray had left. Jackie, my parents, Kate, friends from school, everyone had called. I kept hitting reject.

It was my mother. Again.

My finger hovered over the button, and then I finally just caved.

Her voice filled the line as I hit accept.

“Please tell me this is a joke. Tell me you weren’t seriously this stupid. Is this the man from the party?”

I opened my mouth to apologize, to say something that I could offer up as an explanation, but before I could get the words out, I closed it. Because suddenly I knew what I had to say. I’d had my little rebellions, tried to pick my battles and stand up to my parents about Jackie and Kate. But I’d never really told them how I felt about the way they treated me.

So I did.

“I love him. And it’s my life.”

“No. It’s your father’s career. You don’t get to have a life of your own, Blair. Not publicly. Not after everything this family has sacrificed to get where we are.”

“Where we are? Where are we, exactly? Have you read the papers lately? We’re being eviscerated in Capital Confessions. They’re out for blood and every day there’s a new story making Dad look like a monster.”

“We’re handling Capital Confessions.”

“What do you mean you’re handling Capital Confessions? What are we, the mob?”

“I don’t have time for this, Blair,” my mother snapped. “This isn’t about Capital Confessions, or your father, this is about you. About you making poor choices over and over again, ruining your future and taking everyone around you down with you. Walking out on your wedding, going to that horrible school, getting involved with a professor.”

If I wasn’t so miserable, I would have laughed, the whole thing was just so surreal.

She was absolutely insane.

“Okay, that’s it.” My voice shook as anger pierced through the numbness. “You don’t get to judge my life choices. Not anymore. I didn’t marry someone who likes men. Who has found a man he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with.

“I went to law school. Yes, it’s not a great law school, but you know what, at least I tried to make a future for myself. And I fell in love. I’m sorry that he doesn’t make good copy for Page Six, but I love him and I’m not going to feel differently because you tell me to.

“I’m not a child anymore. I haven’t been a child for a very long time. So stop. I want to have a relationship with my parents, but I can’t have a relationship with you if you’re going to try to control and judge everything I do in my life.

“I’m going to love who I’m going to love, and you can either trust me and know that you raised me to be the kind of person who wouldn’t love someone who wasn’t good for me, or you can’t. But if you can’t, then understand that I’m done having these conversations. I didn’t do anything wrong. I wish it had stayed out of the press, but I didn’t leak it to Capital Confessions. It’s not my fault someone wants to destroy Dad and is willing to use me to do it. I’m not going to pay the price for his mistakes anymore.

“I’m not this family’s redemption. I’m not some paragon of virtue. I’m not a fucking campaign photo. I’m me. I screw up; I don’t always know what I’m doing, and you know what? That’s okay. So back off.”

Silence hung between us and I waited to hear if things would change, for some sign that she understood, that we could change the tenor of our relationship. I was still waiting after she’d said good-bye and made a dig about how I was just like my sister.

Shitty fucking day.

I just couldn’t keep doing it. Couldn’t keep pretending. It wasn’t even about them not accepting Gray—right now it didn’t really even matter. It was about them accepting me. And they didn’t.

If I’d learned anything in all of this, it was that loving someone for who you wanted them to be, instead of who they were, wasn’t love at all.

I wasn’t angry with them like Kate was; I was just done.

This life was slowly starting to cover me in filth, and it was impossible to not feel like it was sucking me deeper with each scandal, each fucking word written about me in Capital Confessions. Honestly, if not for that blog, I wouldn’t even be in the media that often. My family got its share of press, but no one fixated on us like Capital Confessions did. It was like someone on the staff had a vendetta against us, which, given my father’s reputation wasn’t shocking. He’d screwed over half this town more times than I could count.

When Jackie had been secretly blogging for Capital Confessions, it had made sense that we’d been mentioned a lot. But when she’d quit, things should have tapered off. It wasn’t like he had more angry daughters out there . . .

The phone slipped out of my hand, hitting the wood floor with a clunk, as my words to Jackie ran through my mind again . . .

Kate thinks our father has the answers to what happened to Matt. And deep down, I think she wants to destroy him.

I remembered all of the posts, all of the mentions about our father, all of the things I’d told Kate, all of the things Kate had said . . .

Motherfucker.

I didn’t want to believe it, wanted to keep seeing my sister as the little girl I’d grown up with, but the more I ran over the evidence, the more I listened to my gut, I just knew—

Kate was behind the Capital Confessions posts.

Chapter Twenty-five

Apparently Princess Blair is quite the teacher’s pet . . .

—Capital Confessions blog

Blair

I went to Kate’s apartment, my mind racing, remembering the Capital Confessions posts over the last few months. All of the times my private life had made it on the front page. I’d trusted her with my secrets, with everything. And she’d betrayed me.

I pounded on the door. Kate opened it, her face pale. I looked over her shoulder and saw Jackie standing in the hall. I didn’t wait to be invited in; instead, I strode past my sisters until I reached the living room and faced off against Kate, fury building inside me. I vaguely registered Jackie speaking, but I was too angry to acknowledge the words coming out of her mouth. All of my attention was focused on Kate.

“What are you doing?”

Kate met my gaze, guilt seeping out of her. It was no coincidence that Jackie was here.

Her voice trembled. “What do you mean?”

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice? That I wouldn’t put it together? How long have you been working for Capital Confessions?”

She paled even more. “It’s not what you think.”

“Are you kidding me? That’s your comeback? It’s not what I think? Please enlighten me, because what I think is that you’re so fucking obsessed with ruining our father that you don’t care who you take down in the process.”

“That’s not true—”

I was done. Done protecting her. Done worrying about her. Fucking done.

“Did you have anything to do with the post about me and Gray?” My entire body vibrated with anger.

“Blair—”

“Did you have anything to do with the post about me and Gray?” I repeated, my voice rising.

“I didn’t think they’d post his name. I just told them you were seeing someone. I didn’t say who.”

“How fucking stupid are you?”

“Blair—” Jackie interjected.

I whirled on her. “Stay out of it,” I snapped. “This is between her and me.”

Kate sank down onto the couch. “I’m sorry. So sorry.”

“You don’t get it, do you? I have to go before the fucking disciplinary board. They were talking about firing him and he quit. He broke up with me because he doesn’t want me tied to all of the shit that’s coming out about him. I love him.”

Tears spilled down Kate’s cheeks. “I’m sorry. It got out of hand.”

I was so hurt, so angry. She could apologize all she wanted, but it didn’t change a damn thing.

“I knew what I was doing could get us in trouble. I knew, and I took the risk anyway. If they expel me, fine. I’ll deal with it. I can get over that.

“What I can’t get over is the fact that my fucking sister betrayed me, and for what? So you could write a few nasty posts about Dad? Was trying to destroy him really worth it? Because from where I’m standing, all you did was destroy me.

“Tell me how you’re different from him, because right now you both look exactly the same. You’re both willing to screw over people to get what you want, and you don’t give a shit about the lives you wreck in the process.”

My voice broke. “Gray had gotten his life together. He was happy and he’d put all of the shit in Chicago behind him. Do you know how hard I worked to make him let me in? To convince him that we could be together?”

“I didn’t know. I didn’t know you loved him,” Kate sobbed. “I fucked up. I know I fucked up.”

Jackie sat down next to her, wrapping her arm around Kate, her eyes clouded with worry. “Let’s just sit and talk about this calmly. I know you guys are upset, but Kate didn’t mean to hurt you, Blair. You know that.”

My eyes narrowed. “What would you do if it were Will’s name and reputation splashed all over the gossip columns?”

Jackie paled.

“Gray was off-limits.” My gaze snapped to Kate. “As my sister you should have understood that. Even if I could forgive what you did to me, I can’t forgive what you did to him. No one would have cared about him if not for me. He’s on the fucking front page of Capital Confessions because of me. I have to live with that. So whether you meant to hurt me or not, doesn’t really matter. You did. Why?”

Kate wiped at her face, and some part of me, the part that had protected her my entire life, died at the pain in her eyes and the fact that I’d put it there. We’d fought as kids, and we still had fights now, but nothing like this. There was a rage inside me I couldn’t shut off, and even when it receded, I was reminded of her betrayal, and it came bubbling back up again.

“How did you start working with Capital Confessions?” My gaze cut to Jackie. “Did you get her involved in this?”

“I didn’t know,” Jackie answered. “I swear.”

“Don’t blame Jackie,” Kate interjected. “It was all me. I got the idea last year when she told us that she’d been blogging about our father. When she stepped down, I saw an opportunity.”

“To smear him.”

“Among other things.”

“What other things? Ruining me as well?”

Kate winced. “No. None of this had anything to do with you.”

“Except it does, because you used me to get to him.”

“I gave them stupid pieces of gossip. The editor wanted me to share information about our family. Posts about you got a lot of hits because of everything between you and Thom—”

“So you saw an opportunity to take advantage of my heartbreak. Fuck you.”

She flinched. “I didn’t post anything bad. Just stupid stuff about what you wore or who you were dating.”

“Yes, but that wasn’t ‘stupid stuff’ to me. It was my fucking life.”

“I didn’t think you’d care. I didn’t think you were serious about him,” Kate whispered.

“Didn’t think I’d care? You’re my sister. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect you. Nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Hell, if you’d asked me, I would have been willing to give you pieces of gossip that I didn’t care about. But not Gray.”

“I know.”

“So tell me, what did you get for it all? You wrecked my relationship with the only man I’ve ever really loved, the only man who has ever loved me. Was it worth it? Did you get your thirty pieces of silver? Did you ruin Dad enough?”

Her mouth tightened and her eyes got hard. “He can’t get away with it.”

“Newsflash, Kate, he is getting away with it. He always comes out on top. That’s who he is. You aren’t going to win this. I don’t even understand what you’re doing. Do you think this is what Matt would have wanted for you?”

“Don’t bring Matt into this.” Her eyes dulled as his name crossed her lips. “Don’t go there, Blair.”

Jackie squeezed her arm, but Kate got to her feet, facing off against me.

“It’s been over three years, Kate. You’ve been a fucking zombie for three years. He never would have wanted this for you. He would have wanted you to be happy. He would have wanted you to find love again. He would have wanted more for you than this. And he never would have thought what you were doing was okay. Never.”

“Don’t you dare talk to me about Matt.”

“He was my friend, too. I loved him, too. And I knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t have destroyed his life because he was hell-bent on revenge. And he definitely wouldn’t have destroyed the people who loved him.”

“He killed him.” She screamed the words, her anger splintering through the room.

Jackie went white as a sheet, and I froze, staring at the sister I’d grown up with, finally realizing that the girl I’d known was gone.

“What are you talking about?”

She took a deep breath, her hand shaking. “Someone has been sending me anonymous letters.”

Oh my god.

“Matt’s unit was ambushed.”

“Kate.”

“It was a setup. And I think Dad knew about it. I think he’s covering it up.”

I sank down into the armchair, the adrenaline whooshing out of me, my head in my hands. Fuck. Just when I thought things couldn’t be more heinous, they were. Bile rose in my throat as nausea assaulted me.

I looked up at her, feeling like I was watching two trains about to collide. She had either completely lost it and gone full-on conspiracy theory, or even worse, she was right. Either way she was fucked.

“If you’re right, you need to stop whatever you’re doing. You need to let this go.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because it isn’t going to bring Matt back. He’s gone. Destroying our father won’t bring Matt back. Neither will finding out what happened to him. All it’s going to do is get you killed.”

Jackie let out a strangled gasp, and I wondered if she was regretting ever having gotten involved with us. She might have worked in politics, on the surface she might have been more jaded than I was, but this was the world I’d grown up in.

As much as I hated it, rejected it, it was in my blood, and I knew how this would go down.

I wasn’t Kate; I wasn’t looking for a battle, all I wanted was to find some semblance of happiness and peace despite our fucked up family. I was not naive. I knew what my father was capable of. And I knew without a doubt in my mind, that if it came down to him or Kate, he would choose himself every fucking time.

“You could die.”

She held my gaze and her words killed a part of me.

“Don’t you get it? I’m already dead. I’ve been dead for three years.”

I did know. I’d known all along. I just hadn’t wanted to face it. But now it blazed back at me, shining from her eyes, and there was no escaping the truth in her words.

“You want to bury your head in the sand, fine. I can’t. I’m sorry about Capital Confessions. I never meant to hurt you. If I could take it back, I would. But this is my fight and there’s nothing you can say that will ever change my mind. He drew that line in the sand when he played a role in destroying any chance of happiness I had. So this is all I have. And I won’t give it up for anyone. Not even you.”

I saw Kate as she had been as a little girl, flashes of us playing, the few times I could rope her into having a tea party with me, me helping her get ready for her first date, watching her try on wedding dresses after Matt proposed. Holding her on the floor of her dorm room while her heart broke.

It felt like I was losing my sister with every second that passed, but the truth was, I’d already lost her a long time ago.

I struggled to keep the tears in, dug deep to get the words out.

“You’re my sister. If there’s ever a moment that you need me, you call me and I will come. I love you. I will always love you. I would give my life for you. And if I could take your pain away, I would.” My voice thickened with unshed tears as hurt stabbed me over and over again.

“I’m not going to stand by and watch you get yourself killed. I can’t. You’re so wrong if you think you only have your revenge to live for. You have people who love you. You have me. But you’re doing everything you can to self-destruct, and I can’t support that.

“You think I’m burying my head in the sand because I’m ‘letting our father win,’ but what you don’t realize is that he’s already beaten you. He’s already won and he always will, because he plays by his own set of rules where he doesn’t care if he takes everyone around him down as long as he stays on top.

“I’ve lived twenty-three years in this world, and I can’t do it anymore. I want peace. I want to be happy. That’s winning, Kate. That’s beating him at his own game. That’s how you honor people who loved you and wanted the best for you. Matt would have gladly given his life for you, would have sacrificed anything to make you happy. He wouldn’t want you to make his death about destroying yourself. And he wouldn’t want you to risk your life.”

My gaze stopped on Jackie. “Tell her how well revenge worked out for you. What you almost lost. I’m not wrong.”

She nodded.

The tears kept coming and it took everything I had to keep them from falling. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t fix Kate, couldn’t bring Matt back, couldn’t make my father a good person. And I’d never failed to be there for Kate, but I couldn’t stand by her for this. I could only pray that one day she would realize that she was throwing any chance of happiness away.

And that she’d realize it before it killed her.

“I love you.” A tear slipped past my defenses, dripping down my cheek. “If you call me, I’ll come. You know that, right?”

She nodded, her eyes red.

I wrapped my arms around my little sister, holding her close, the love I felt for her eclipsing everything else. The older sister part of me that had always looked out for her screamed to lock her in a room and never let her out. To do anything to protect her. But I couldn’t protect her from herself. There was no rehab for the kind of hatred that burned in her now. She’d shut down for three years, and nothing I’d done since that time had broken through.

It was up to her now.

I let her go.