Текст книги "Crave"

Автор книги: B.J. Harvey

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

I slowly make my way over to her table and my heart stops when she gifts me a beaming smile.

“You came,” she says softly.

“Grant . . .”

“I didn’t know if you would.” She gestures beside her. “Sit down, Cal. You’re kind of more conspicuous if you stay standing.”

“Good point,” I reply and take a seat. We sit there in silence, more awkward than comfortable. My mind races at all the things I’ve been wanting to say to her for days. “How are you?”

“I’m good. I have a check-up in a few weeks and I’ve been advised to . . . curtail . . . that type of activity in future, but I’m feeling normal.” She seems wary, completely unlike the usually confident and often brazen woman I love.

For the past few days I’ve been biding my time, building up the courage to take that first step. My father’s words have been all I’ve been able to think about over the weekend. How strong Luce is, how committed she was to me, taking everything that came hand in hand with me without question. Not once did she doubt what we had because of it.

Instead it was me who continually doubted everything, not trusting what we had enough to show her that final part of me. Now, if I’m going to fight for her, I need to be completely honest, lay it all out and hope she can forgive me.

She deserves nothing less than everything I can give her.

“Cal?” she asks quietly, dragging me away from my thoughts. I can’t seem to drag my eyes away from the black wool scarf covering her neck.

I reach out and touch her forearm, gently running my fingers down along her skin and entwining them with hers. She doesn’t pull away; in fact, she seems to welcome it.

“I have so much I want to say . . .”

“Just don’t say sorry again. I couldn’t bear it.” Her eyes are wet with unshed tears as they pin me with her silent plea. “I don’t blame you, but you still shut me out. I need you to not shut me out again, because we’ve come too far and been through too much to go back.”

My throat tightens and I flex my fingers in hers, the words I’m desperate to say getting stuck in my throat. “Can we go somewhere private?” I ask, just as I see a camera flash in my peripheral. Turning my head, I see a woman is sitting a few tables away from us with her cell phone pointed our way. I look back at Lucia.

“Call your car service, Cal. We’ll go to your place. I’d rather not give the public the show they seem to want.” Her voice is strong and steady, defiantly so. There’s a determination in her tone that’s supported by the squaring of her shoulders, and it buoys me. This is the Lucia I fell in love with. This Lucia is the woman who is my foundation.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I lift it to my ear and order a town car to pick us up. I also send Annie a text message asking her to clear my day, making a note for her to talk to Graves about deferring our meeting to tomorrow.

“All set,” I tell her as I lift my cup to my mouth and take a delayed first taste of my coffee.

“How have you been?” she asks, her thumb now caressing my hand in a calming gesture that’s surprisingly effective. I feel the tension caused by this surprise meeting ease and a familiar—and not unwelcome—warmth spreads through me.

“I’ve been better.”

“Me too,” she replies. I can’t help my eyes from drifting down to her neck again.

“Don’t let your mind go there, Cal,” she says, leaning toward me. She raises her other hand to my cheek, cupping my jaw and gently stroking my skin with her fingers. Her eyes are soft, full of feeling, and my heart lifts in hope that there is still a chance for us. “There’s no mask today. I want you to promise me that whatever happens from here on in, you will not let your mind go back to that place. If we’re going to move forward, we can’t look back.”

When she moves back, I look over her shoulder to see a black car stop at the curb outside.

“The car’s here. You ready?” I ask. Lucia’s answering smile and gentle squeeze of her hand on top of mine tells me she didn’t miss the double meaning.

“Let’s go,” she says, standing up from the table. Keeping our hands together, we walk outside to our waiting ride home.

Home.

As soon as we pull away from the curb, Lucia reaches out and slides her fingers between mine, as if she senses my need for her to anchor me. The car ride is quiet though, the air filled with contemplation and anticipation as anxiety fills me, and I wonder what lies ahead when we are finally alone again.

I pass the time texting back and forth with Annie as she rearranges my calendar, only looking up when the driver slows at the gates leading to my house.

With my hand resting at the small of her back, I lead Lucia up the stairs and into the living area.

And then my mind goes blank.

There are times in a man’s life when he can doubt himself. Even the most confident and self-assured man can be forced to take stock of his life and face what and who they truly want.

For the first time in my thirty-four years, I’m at the precipice of something bigger than myself. The importance of such a moment is so monumental that the fear of the unknown is almost paralyzing. I close my eyes and take a deep calming breath.

Then I feel the heat of her body in front me, opening my eyes to meet hers as her fingers curl around my biceps.

“Cal, you need to relax. I’m still Lucia and you’re still Callum. I still love you and you still love me. Everything else is just details we need to iron out.”

I choke on the words. “Iron out?”

“Let’s go sit down.”

She grabs my hand and tugs gently, walking over toward my dark gray couch and I wait until she’s taken a seat before releasing her hand and walking to the floor-to-ceiling window leading to the balcony.

Again, the silence is deafening as I try to collect my thoughts and feelings. This is my chance to ‘fight for her.’

I turn around and like it has every other time I’ve looked at her, her beauty sucker punches me and I know—I just know—that I would do anything to have this woman back in my life. I’d give up everything I’ve worked for, achieved, and anything I may do in future—for her. Nothing has any meaning unless she’s right there with me.

“Cal?”

Compelled by the need to be near her while we talk, I make my way to her side, kneeling on the floor between her legs.

“I love you. I don’t remember what my life was like before falling in love with you, and I don’t want to. I hurt you and it ripped me apart seeing you injured and knowing it was at my hands.”

“But it wasn’t just you,” she says.

“I wasn’t in the right state of mind to even be considering doing that, and I lost my way in the heat of the moment. I will forever regret doing that to you, and I deserve to lose you.”

“Cal, you’re one of the strongest men I know. You could allow the weight of the world to drown you, and you could let it crush your spirit, but you don’t. You gave me your trust and although we went about it the wrong way at the wrong time, don’t ever apologize for reaching out that hand and asking for help. You’ve closed out a lot of people who love you for too long to pull back now.”

We just stare at each other, Lucia breathing heavy with her eyes full of emotion.

I rake my hands over my face, running my fingers through my hair. Swallowing hard, my voice is rough when I’m finally able to speak. “I know it’s selfish, but Luce, I need you. You’re more important than anything that comes with being me. I’d give it all up if you would ever consider forgiving me.”

She stands up storms towards me with her eyes full of anger. “You don’t get to take back what you gave to me, Callum. I asked you to give me all of you because it would’ve come between us and now . . . now you’re saying you want to erase all of that because you feel bad?”

My head jerks back at her words and the force behind them. “I only wanted to take back the pain I inflicted, the irrevocable damage I caused to you . . . us. Everything keeps coming at me. I close my eyes at night and see your lifeless face, your limp body. I haven’t been able to sleep in my bed because just the smell of you on my sheets takes me right back to that night. And knowing what I did to you . . .” I take a deep breath, trying to quell the burn that threatens to engulf me. “It’s been hard to fucking breathe, let alone continue to go on every day knowing I can’t have you.”

Her eyes soften and she immediately drops to her knees beside me, cupping my face her in her hands. “You are the one who said goodbye. You are the one who walked away. You didn’t just take that last part of you away, you took back every other piece you’d given me.” Her voice hitches and it hits me hard that the damage wasn’t done that night—it was done during the hours afterward when I couldn’t face her. I may have been struggling with the consequences of my actions but the way I handled it hurt Luce more than my hands ever could. “I love you, Callum. But you can’t take everything that is you away from me because I won’t let you. I’m holding on and never letting go.”

I reach out and wrap my arms around her waist, burying my face in her neck as my body shakes with the realization that forgiveness is automatic with her—she didn’t even have to think about it because in her mind, my only fault was not staying by her side.

When her arms slip around my shoulders and pull me in tight, I know deep in my soul that I’d do anything and everything for this woman.

Placing a gentle kiss at the hollow of her throat, I lift my head and kiss her chin, then the hinge of her jaw before stopping my mouth just below her ear. “I’ll live every day for the rest of my life knowing I will never again deserve you, but I’ll fight to the death to have you anyway,” I vow, and I don’t miss the sob that escapes as her body shudders against mine.

I lift a knee and rise up, taking her with me as I lower us down onto the sofa beside us, my body resting to the side of hers but soon pulled up and over so my full weight is against her.

She runs her thumb across my bottom lip, her wet eyes glued to my mouth as she slowly glides back and forth. I instinctively grind my hips against hers, the gratifying whimper touching me so deeply I have to cover her mouth with mine as if she’s the very air I need to breathe.

With all the time in the world, it’s as if the two of us want to rediscover each other. We spend seconds, minutes, hours, tentatively at first and slowly growing bolder, more desperate and more fevered. I set about worshiping her. My sole focus is on pouring all of my remorse, regret, love and heartfelt devotion into every touch, apologizing with my body over and over with the hope she’ll feel it in the depths of her soul that I mean every word I say.

The moment I let my guard down, she had all of me and every day since then, she has cherished the gift with the knowledge that she’s the only one to ever have that.

Hours later, with a sleeping Lucia in my arms, my mind relives the morning. I find what brings me the most peace is the knowledge that the craving I once let decide my actions—the thing I most gravely feared—no longer controls me.

That mask of mine—the well-fitted armor that has seen me through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows—now lies shattered on my living room floor. I’m no longer shackled by the self-protection mechanism I relied upon for so long.

The freedom is exhilarating, the relief liberating, and just like her forgiveness, it is the most selfless gift Lucia could’ve ever given me.

“You left me no choice,” Grant says, not even trying to hide his smug grin. “And going by that rare, and I’d thought almost extinct smile on your face, I’d say that all is well in the Alexander-Harding household.”

“You could say that,” I mutter, as I lift my coffee cup to my mouth.

“By the way, have you heard from Graves? He left the office at lunchtime yesterday, and I haven’t seen him since,” he says.

“No? Should I have?” I ask in confusion.

“You had that meeting with him yesterday afternoon, remember? The one you rescheduled when your day got unexpectedly brighter?”

“I asked Annie to talk to him. I’ve had to cancel a few times on him now, and I did actually want to look at his plans.”

“They’re good. He’s quite talented. He’s still green but with time and the right mentorship, he could end up being a real asset to the firm.”

“And personality-wise?”

“Well, he seems loyal and has a willingness to put in the hours when needed. Out of all the interns this year, he would be the one I wouldn’t mind keeping on. He’s well-versed in your designs, he’s confident enough to make suggestions for improvement, and he’s a hard worker. I think we should snap him up before anybody else can.”

“Any concerns?”

“Other than the fact he’d rather work with you than me?” he responds with a laugh. “Bad taste aside, I think we should offer him the chance to continue working for the firm once he graduates.”

I nod in agreement. “I’ll have a look at his plans and we can look at making him a formal offer after that. Agreed?”

“Sounds good to me,” Grant says, standing up from his seat. “Now I have a lunch date with a hot blonde. I may be late.” He winks at me and waggles his eyebrows suggestively. Rolling my eyes, I lift my hand and shoo him off. “Some of us have work to do, Richardson. Maybe I can give you shit for having a ‘just laid’ smile.”

“One can only hope, Alexander.”

Then he’s gone, and I’m back to catching up on paperwork and going through the messages from yesterday.

Now that Lucia and I have reunited, the weight that has been burdening me feels lighter and definitely more manageable. I left her asleep this morning, lying in my bed wearing nothing but a well-sated smile. She’s a sight I want to wake up to every morning, a vision I want to fall asleep to every night, and the woman I want to keep close for the rest of my life.

If she can forgive me, accept me, and still love me despite everything that has happened between us, there is no one and nothing else I will ever need. Never will I stop working hard to prove that I’m deserving of her.

“Callum . . .” I look up to see Carmen fucking Dallas leaning against my office door with a saccharine-sweet smile on her face.

“Ms. Dallas,” I say through gritted teeth, standing up and walking around my desk to greet her. “For what do I owe this pleasure and how did you get past my piranha receptionist?” I hold out my arm and direct her toward the chair opposite my desk.

“Your darling receptionist was otherwise engaged, so I took the opportunity while her back was turned and here I am,” she says, her voice filled with a calculating undertone.

“How fortunate,” I mutter under my breath as I return to my office chair and face her.

“Indeed. You’re a difficult man to get hold of.”

“I’m a busy man who has other more pressing matters to deal with than a reporter with an axe to grind and a bee in her bonnet.”

“Callum, you wound me.” She feigns offense before crossing her legs and pinning me with a knowing stare.

“I thought you would’ve gotten that message when I didn’t return any of your . . .” I flick through the notes on my desk, “ . . . ten calls?”

“The public deserves to know the truth about their favorite son.”

“I never asked for that role, Ms. Dallas. In fact, it was you who gave me many if not all of my titles. I’m an architect. I design buildings. I am not a man who has ever strived to be the playboy bachelor gracing the gossips pages of the Tribune.”

“You’re an enigma, Callum. My readers want to know who the real Callum Alexander is. The good, the bad . . .” she leans forward and whispers, “ . . . the downright dirty.” Leaning back in her chair, she crosses her legs and continues, “I know you have secrets. After last week and that touching hospital scene, we all know you do. I’m interested in whether you want to take the opportunity I’m here to offer—to clear up any untrue claims and set the record straight, so to speak,” she says, finishing with a smirk.

“Ms. Dallas, at any time have I given you even the slightest hint that I am interested in talking to you? Like anyone, I am entitled to a personal life, Lucia is entitled to a personal life, and there is no chance in hell we will ever want to talk about our personal lives with the press.” Without the weight of the mask I’d worn for so many years, the freedom I feel at saying what I want to whom I want, without feeling the need to sugar coat my thoughts, is exhilarating.

Enjoying the wide-eyed look on Carmen’s face, I soldier on. “You have perpetuated a sea of lies surrounding my life, my work, my firm, my family, and someone I care very deeply about. Your crusade to destroy my name and my reputation because I was man enough to spurn your advances says more about the sorry state of your own life than it does about mine.”

I stand and make my way around to her, standing expectantly beside her chair. “Now if there is nothing further, I am a very busy man and I have an important appointment that I am unable to miss.” My voice is strong, forthright, and I make sure it leaves no room for confusion.

Rising to her feet, Carmen shoots me a scowl before turning on her heels and storming out of my office without saying another word.

“Thank fuck for that.” I look up to see Lucia standing in the doorway just vacated by Carmen.

“Your timing is impeccable as always, Ms. Harding,” she says, taking a step into the office.

“And you, Mr. Alexander, are very sexy when you’re putting errant reporters in their place.” She closes the door and walks over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and pushing up on her toes to brush her lips against mine. “Very sexy.”

I can’t help but smile. “You heard?”

She shrugs. “Most of it. I think the part I enjoyed the most was about the ‘sorry state of your own life.’”

“Definitely a highlight,” I add.

With my hands on her hips, I move backwards and lean against my desk, pulling Lucia between my legs and running my hands up her back. “This is a surprise.” I lower my mouth to hers and slowly trace the seam of her lips with my tongue before kissing her softly and moving back. “A very welcome one though.”

“I’m glad,” she says with a wide grin. “I just wanted to stop by on my way home. I’m working tonight so I won’t see you until tomorrow.” My smile falters at the thought.

“You could come home to me tonight . . .” I leave the invitation open, studying her expression for any sign of unease or uncertainty. My shoulders tense as I wait for her reply.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

The tension instantly disappears, and I’m again filled with the warmth that only Lucia can give me. Still buoyed from my triumphant confrontation with Carmen, I push on. “You could come home to me every night . . .”

Lucia’s breath hitches and her eyes flash with surprise. “Are you . . . ?”

“We were virtually living together anyway. I want to be with you. I want you in my house. I want you hosting dinner parties with my friends and family. I want you in my kitchen, on my balcony, in my bed. I want my sanctuary to be yours because you are my sanctuary.”

“Oh wow. And I thought you couldn’t beat anything you said to me last night,” she says on a soft whisper.

“That look in your eyes, that smile on your face—that is what I want to give you. I want to be able to surprise you, often and always. I want to give you a happy, safe, fulfilling life.”

“Cal, if this is about—”

I press my lips against hers to silence her. I don’t want her having any doubt as to my intentions. “I want you to live with me, Lucia Harding. I want to love you forever. I’m not going to live in the past; I’m not going to worry about what people think, what image I have to uphold, or the profile I have to fit in to. If what we have been through has taught me anything, it is that life is short, love is everything, and I am a stronger man with you beside me. That is all for now. The rest . . .” I end on a whisper against her lips, “ . . . is up to you.”

And standing in my office, in my tower in the sky, the world continuing on around us, Lucia pulls me close and kisses me long and hard, giving me her silent—yet resoundingly affirmative—answer.

“I’ll see you after work then?” she says, her voice low and raspy.

“I look forward to it. I’ll probably be working late to catch up on everything, so I can call by the restaurant afterwards if you’d like,” I reply without thinking.

She blanches at my words, and I tighten my fingers on her hips as she tries to step back.

“Lucia, what’s wrong?”

“That probably isn’t a good idea for a while. Gino is—”

“Not my biggest fan right now.”

“Well, no. His ignorance leaves no room for open-mindedness. In his eyes—”

“In his eyes, I hurt you and put you in the hospital.”

“Yes,” she replies, her eyes soft.

“Will he ever forgive me?”

“In time, yes. When he sees how happy you make me, he will forgive you.”

“But not forget,” I state honestly.

Lifting one hand to my face, Lucia kisses me once more. “I don’t think any of us will ever forget it, Cal. But only you and I know what we have between us and what led to what happened that night.”

“It’ll never happen again,” I say definitively.

“No, I’m guessing it won’t. But that’s not to say things won’t be able to go back to how they were.”

“There’s one major difference though, Luce.”

“And what’s that, Mr. Alexander?”

“What you see is what you get with me now. You told me to move forward and not look back. I want to do that with you.” I add a gentle squeeze of my fingers to drive my point home. “You know my worst. I want the chance to show you my best.”

“Good. I’m glad we’ve gotten that out of the way. There is one thing you can do for me though . . .” A sly smile creeps over her lips.

“What’s that?”

“I’ve always wanted to make out with you on your desk, you wearing your perfectly tailored suit, the door shut but not locked . . .” She leans in and licks my lips seductively, her voice dropping to a sexy whisper. “Want to give me a taste of Callum Alexander in his natural habitat?”

My grip tightens on her hips. “How about I show you instead?”