Текст книги "Rock"

Автор книги: Anyta Sunday

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alabaster

Ernie and Bert call me over the next few days. If I described what they wanted as a stone, it’d be

alabaster, a translucent stone for forgiveness.

On the third day, I pick up the three-way call. I’m sitting on my single bed staring at my toolboxes.

“What?”

“Dude, we totally screwed up.”

“Bert-time,” Ernie says.

“Shut up,” Bert says. “You’re not making this any better!”

“Fine. We screwed up big time. Better, Bert?”

“I don’t know, ask Cooper.”

“We’re sorry. We were just surprised that you dig dudes. We don’t care.”

Bert says, “No, we don’t care. Anyone who does care will see why I play defense.”

“You gonna tackle them, Bert?” Ernie asks. “That imagery is so gay—hey, maybe you’ll like it,

Coop?”

“If this is your way of apologizing,” I say. “You suck at it.”

“We don’t have much practice,” Bert says. Ernie snorts.

“Yeah, because our big mouths have never gotten us into trouble before.”

“We’re sorry!” they say in unison.

“Come to the dance with us,” Ernie says in a mischievous tone.

“Why?” I pick at the bed covers. Do I want to go? I thought I didn’t but I am curious. It has nothing

to do with knowing Jace will be there with Susan. Absolutely not. “People will whisper.”

“Yeah, but they’ll whisper anyway. At least you can control what they whisper about. Have the

upper hand. Show them you don’t care—and neither do your two incredibly hot, straight friends.”

A pause.

Ernie huffs. “That was your cue to confirm our hotness. You know, from a guy’s perspective.”

Bert laughs. “Come on. He’s way out of our league. We have ugly mugs.”

“Speak for yourself—”

“Guys!” I shake my head. “I’ll come but you have to suck up a little more before I’ll forgive you.”

“Did he say we have to suck him to be forgiven, Bert?”

“Ernie!” He’s laughing, and I may be grinning as well.

kyanite

Jace is in a bad mood the next time I go to Dad’s for the week. When I try to grab his arm and ask

him what the matter is, he shoves me away.

I stumble onto the couch. Annie hisses in the background, flying out of her chair and abandoning

her sewing machine.

“What the hell?” I push to my feet. “I just asked if you’re okay! But obviously”—I shove his chest

–“you aren’t.”

He grabs my wrists and yanks them to my side. His icy-blue eyes look like kyanite—one of the few

blue minerals that occur naturally in this country.

“She’s had enough bad luck! Sharing the love of her life for five years, losing the baby, getting a

new family that barely tolerates her.” He glares at Annie then stabs me with his gaze. “She doesn’t

deserve more!”

Annie steps between us, pushing against our chests until Jace swears under his breath and backs

off. He leaves the gaming room with a slam of the door.

Annie frowns. “What was that about?”

I don’t know, but I want to. I go after him but Annie grabs my sleeve and holds me back. “Don’t.

He needs time to cool off. He’ll come to you when he’s ready.”

I snatch up my homework and take it to my room, pausing for a moment outside his door to hear

the pounding bass of music. I pull out and rub the rare goodletite stone I found at the beach today. When

I calm down, I place the goodletite on a shelf and settle in to do homework.

After not-concentrating on my biology for an hour, I take my I’m a Rock Whisperer cup and head

off to make a cup of tea.

Annie stops me in the hall, twirling to display a purple skirt. “I sewed it myself. For the dance.

What do you think?”

I nod. “Poufy.”

She laughs. “You’re not that type of gay, are you?”

“What type?”

“The—never mind.” She glances at my cup. “Tea? Make me one too?”

“Make it yourself. I’m not doing the loose green tea, temperature thingy you like.”

“If you boil the water it releases too many tannins and tastes bitter.”

“Wow,” I say, grinning. “You sound just like Mum right now.”

She attempts a scowl but it morphs into a grin. “Fine, I’ll make my own.”

“In your poufy skirt?”

“Shut up. I’ll see what Dad says. Probably has more to say anyway.”

He doesn’t. But that’s because he’s not listening to us. He’s sitting at the end of the dining table

staring at the vase of roses. His deep frown shadows underneath his eyes. He rests his elbows on the

table and rubs his temples.

“Dad?” I ask, forgetting about the tea. I set my empty cup on the table and take the chair adjacent to

him. Annie does the same on the opposite side.

“What’s the matter?” she asks.

Dad blinks and clasps his hands together. “I’m glad you guys are here.”

My heart beats faster. Jace is yelling at me again, shoving at my chest. “What happened to Lila?” I

ask. “Where is she?”

“She’s gone to bed. Wants some quiet time.” He shifts in his chair. “She wants me to talk to you.”

His voice cracks and he clears his throat. “Lila had a mammogram.”

“Breast cancer?” Annie’s voice is weak.

Dad slides his clasped hands close to him. “Yes. The doctors found some abnormalities. She has a

four-centimeter tumor, and the cancer has spread to three lymph nodes near the armpit.”

She’s had enough bad luck!

Oh, Jace. I’m so sorry.

And Lila. Shit. “Will she be okay?”

“Yes,” he says stubbornly. “She’s going to have chemotherapy to shrink the tumor and surgery to

get rid of it. And we’ll all support her.”

He looks at Annie the longest. Tears run down her cheeks. She leaps from the chair and throws

herself at Dad. “I’m so sorry. So sorry. For everything. I love you. I’m sorry Lila’s sick. I’ll help. She’ll

get better.”

I hug him too.

I think of Lila sick in her bedroom.

I think of Jace curled up in anger and resentment on his bed.

“I love you,” I whisper. “I’m going to be there to support you.”

Dad drags my cup across the table. “Going to make some tea, were you?”

“Yeah,” Annie and I say together.

“Good. I could use some too.” He passes the cup to Annie. “You make it, love. You know how it’s

done.”

I scowl.

They sniff out a laugh.

goodletite

Jace avoids me for two weeks. He shuts himself in his room like Annie used to. He doesn’t

participate in dinners, and I don’t see him around at school—except once, when he had an arm around

Susan.

He needs some time to cool off. He’ll come to you when he’s ready.

Why doesn’t he come already?

The night of the dance arrives, and before Bert and Ernie arrive, I slip a folded note under Jace’s

door. I linger, crouched in the hallway, hand pressed to the wood for a few moments until I hear the

sound of footsteps and rustling paper. I’m about to turn away when the door creaks as if Jace is resting

against it. I lean forward, my head against the cool door too. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Sniff. I’m not certain but I think I hear a murmur. “Me too.”

“Jace, I—” The doorbell chimes, ripping me out of the moment. “Dammit.”

I curse Bert and Ernie for their punctuality as I go downstairs to let them in. We move to the

kitchen and I pull out three Cokes. Annie is pinning pearls to her hair. She swishes her poufy skirt and

tells us to have fun. She prances off.

Bert attempts to whistle. “Damn, I thought I had it.” He frowns and tries again but he gives up

when he fails the second time. “Your sister looks hot,” he says simply. Ernie doesn’t say anything but

his eyes had followed her too.

“Gah!” I cover my ears. Not something I want to hear.

Ernie drops a large paper bag onto the dining table as he claps Bert on the back. “Yeah, let’s give up

the wolf-whistling.” He jerks his head to me. “Why aren’t you dressed yet?”

Ernie and Bert wear matching black tuxedos sans tie, and shirts with wide fat collars. And they

think I’m not ready? My black pants and white shirt will do very well.

“I am dressed.” I set the Cokes on the table. “Drink?”

Bert looks at Ernie. “Guess you were right about him not being that type of gay.”

“What?” I start, and Ernie hushes me.

“Don’t worry, I’m not that type of straight guy, either. I picked something out for you. Put it on.”

He slides the paper bag to me. I steady a can before it knocks over. “Should be your size. Five-ten,

right?”

I peer into the bag and groan. “We’re gonna look like the Three Musketeers.”

“The Three Best-Dressed Musketeers,” Ernie says.

“It has a weird collar,” I say, pulling out the shirt.

“Wait for it,” Bert warns me, rolling his eyes.

Ernie asks, “Who are we at school?” I shrug. “That’s right. We’re nobody. And what makes us

stand out from the crowd?”

“Not much?”

“Exactly. Doesn’t matter how sleek our suits are because every other guy will look sleek too,” he

says, gesturing for me to hurry up. I pull off my shirt and slip into the fat-collared one. “To stand out,

we have to do the unexpected.”

“And these shirts are the way to go?”

“Hey, dude, you said it. Three Musketeers. Girls dig that shit.”

I laugh. I may be gay but I’m pretty sure girls won’t dig this shirt.

I wear it anyway. For laughs, and to keep Ernie placated. The rest of the suit feels smooth and silky.

I find the goodletite I had in my other pocket and slip it inside the jacket’s inner pocket. It creates a

slight bulge at my chest but it’s calming. I have a rare stone made of sapphire, ruby, and tourmaline; I’ll

be fine. Whispers can’t hurt me.

A wolf-whistle slices cleanly through the air. All three of us look up as Lila waltzes into the kitchen

with an amused smile and a camera. Click. Click. “Looking great, boys.”

Ernie puts an arm around me, and Bert poses for the camera.

“At least one of you looks excited,” Lila says.

To make things just a little better for her if I can, I join in with the posing.

She flips through some of the shots she’s taken. “Your dad’s going to piss himself when he sees

these. Now boys, the embarrassing part. You’re too young to have sex, so don’t. And make sure your

condoms aren’t expired. Trust me, that would not lead to a good time. Now to find that son of mine.”

She whisks out of the room and leaves us blushing.

“Dude,” Bert whispers. “Lila is way thoughtful.”

“And way hot!” Ernie adds. I throw him a look that makes him shirk behind Bert.

And way sick.

My chest suddenly feels tight. Jace is sniffing again.

We arrive at the dance an hour into it, which is great because the whole evening will be over and

done with much faster.

It’s everything I expect a dance to be: dark, flashing lights, terrible music. A group of couples dance

in the middle of the converted gym but the majority of us are hanging in the corners or sitting at the

tables. A few guys narrow their eyes in my direction and I sense their whispers in the air, but Ernie and

Bert shield me.

A group of young girls snigger at us, and Ernie shakes his head. “They wouldn’t be able to handle

all this anyway.”

Bert pulls out a flask he’s smuggled in and hands it to his friend. A good swig later, it’s passed to

me. “Nah, I’m good.” I lean against the back wall. “So this is it?”

“This is it!” Ernie repeats. “Do you see how short their skirts are? How full their racks?”

Bert sighs. “We’re never getting laid.”

“I repeat. This is it? Question mark.”

“All this and dancing as well.”

A fast, upbeat song launches an outbreak of grinding thighs and bumping hips. I’ve been scouring

all the faces since I got here for any sign of Jace. Jace and Susan.

“Aaaaand,” Ernie says, squaring his chest and facing me. “This dance is going to be epic.” He bows

slightly and extends a hand. “Cooper, will you dance with me?”

I snort and fold my arms. What is he doing? Is this some kind of joke? “That’s not funny.”

Ernie keeps his hand extended. “I’m not joking.”

I shake my head. “We can’t do that here.”

“Why not?” He drops his hand and turns to Bert. “Hey, want to show him how it’s done?”

Ernie leads Bert to the dance floor, and Bert twirls Ernie around. Ernie scowls and tries to spin Bert

but Bert’s too tall for him. They laugh and boogie some more. They’re touching—at one point they’re

even grinding—and they don’t care that people are staring. A few jerks mutter “fag,” and a few guys in

the corner stick a finger down their throat but more people are smiling than anything—

Jace.

Dancing with Susan, arms looped around her waist. His suit makes him appear older, like he’s a

future Jace. He’s everything I imagined he’d be—and more.

Susan runs her hand up the back of his hair, and I push off the wall, glaring at her through the

throngs of dancers. I might have been able to handle it. Might have been able to shrug it off.

Except that Jace smiles at her and whispers something in her ear.

My throat tightens and a strange buzz fills me with energy. I weave to Ernie and Bert, who stop

dancing when they notice my clenched fists.

“You okay, man?” Bert asks, puffing out his chest. “Someone bothering you?”

“I just—” Want to go home? Was that it? “—will you dance with me?”

Ernie breaks away from Bert. “Thought you’d never ask.”

It’s strange when Ernie takes my hands and pulls me close. Awkward, and his aftershave

overpowers me. But we manage something akin to dancing, and halfway through the second song, I

relax as our laughter drowns out the whispers. So long as I don’t look across the room to Jace, I’m fine.

I find my sister across the hall, watching us. Her head is cocked slightly and a mesmerized smile

makes her face glow.

“Me too, me too,” Bert says, butting Ernie out the way and grabbing my hips. “All the girls are

looking. Share the love.”

Bert is taller than me but not by much. I’m spin him around per Ernie’s request.

“Fag!” some bastard says at the sidelines. I flip him the bird.

When Class A bastard says it again, Bert balls his fists and storms toward him. I grab Bert’s shirt.

“Just leave it. Probably a closet case himself.” My words shut the dumbass up.

I smile. See? I can stand up for who I am.

I whirl around at the tap on my shoulder, ready to block a punch if I have to.

“Jace!” I search the crowds for Susan. “But I thought—”

“Can I cut in?” He says to Bert, who backs off with a grin.

The mirrored ball reflects squares of light onto Jace’s face. I try to nudge a small smile from him,

but he’s not biting. Something lurks behind the depths of his eyes. I glance at our shiny black shoes.

He touches my forearm.

I glance up. “What will Susan think?”

He looks at Susan, who’s sitting on a bench chatting with Darren and my sister. “It’s fine.”

His hand slides up my arm to my shoulder, and he steps closer. We’re almost the same height. “I

got your note.”

The last of my jealousy bleeds away, replaced by a pulsing ache. “I am, okay? Always there.”

“She’s going to fight it. She will.” His voice is stern, determined, as if he’s convincing himself.

“Now, just . . . dance with me?”

I swallow and fumble for a loose hold on his hips. His fingers press into my shoulder blades as he

draws me nearer. Our auras hum, and our lengths are but an inch apart. His cheek brushes mine for a

tender moment. “I’m sorry for shutting you out.”

We sway slowly to the beat, but everyone else is jumping and swinging wildly.

A tear falls onto my neck and rolls under my collar.

I slide my arms around his waist and squeeze. “I’m here. I’ll be here for whatever you need.”

Another tear follows the same path. With every inch, my pain deepens. I don’t know what else I

can say. Don’t know what else I can do.

So I say nothing. Do nothing.

Just feel the stone against my heart and pray everything will turn out okay.

And dance.

opal

Dad fumbles with his key, trying to open the damn door. Jace has an arm wrapped around his mum.

The air is tense, pensive, as it always is after coming home from one of her treatments. The key sliding

into the lock sounds like cymbals battering together. Then the key gets stuck, and Dad jiggles.

I rest a hand over my dad’s trembling one, and take over. Lila burps softly as I push open the door.

She makes it over the threshold before retching. A pained and embarrassed groan warbles her “Sorry.”

Dad and Jace stroke her back as another spasm takes hold of her. Annie pales. “I’ll . . . make some

tea.” She hurries away.

The acidic scent fills the entranceway and follows me to the cleaning supplies, where I grab a mop

and then fill a bucket of soapy water.

When I come back to clean up, Jace grabs the bucket and mop. Twisting his back as if to curtain his

mum from me, he cleans up. I back away. I feel so . . . so stupid. Useless.

I race upstairs and make sure she has a bucket by the bed and some water. Dad carries Lila to the

bathroom first, and then settles her in under the covers. Jace stands with me at the door; his body is

strung tight and he shifts from foot to foot, then pushes his fingers into his pockets. Pulls them out

again.

Lila chuckles softly. “Knock-knock,” she says, looking at Jace and me.

Jace frowns. “Who’s there?”

“Cancer.”

His Adam’s apple bobs with quick swallows. “Cancer who?”

“Cancer see I need some sleep?”

Jace blinks rapidly, twists, and darts out of the room.

Lila swears, tries to call after him, but he isn’t coming back. “Too much, then,” she says.

Dad kisses her thinning hair. “He’ll be all right. You rest now, beautiful.”

She leans back against the pillows. “Just for a bit. Then I’ll talk with him.”

I awkwardly wish her a good sleep. I’m itching to find Jace, and race downstairs where Annie

points out the kitchen window. I slip out the opened patio door, catching Jace in the back garden at the

exact spot I bloodied his nose all those years ago. His shoulders spasm with a silent cry and then he

hiccups. I fold him into a hug, and he clutches me so tight that I taste his fear. He sniffs against my neck

and whimpers. “Don’t let go.”

* * *

A month later, Jace is at his piano, pounding out sharp, violent pieces, surging his anger into the

instrument. Waiting. Waiting for Lila to come home.

The music snatches my breath, all the way from the kitchen where I sit with Annie, staring into my

empty cup.

Annie lifts the teapot to pour me some more when the familiar sound of the door opening stops her.

We edge out to the arched doorway, pausing there as Dad steps inside with Lila. They are both smiling

today.

“Jace!” Dad yells, and the music stops abruptly. Seconds later, the stairs are groaning under his

impatient gait.

Lila beckons us nearer and we flock to her.

“Things are looking good for surgery soon,” Dad says, and kisses Lila’s cheek with a smack.

“We’re positive about the progress. So are the doctors.”

Jace steals closer and wraps his mum into a hug. Annie and I join in until we are one big lump of

warm wishes. Jace twists his head and captures my gaze; the tension he’s held over the last months is

still there, but a hopeful smile brackets one side of his lips.

“I made some tea,” Annie says as we break apart.

“That would be lovely.” Lila and Dad follow her to the dining room.

“Cooper and I are going out for an hour,” Jace calls to them. “Do you need anything?”

They don’t.

Jace quietly gestures to follow him to the hatchback. Ten minutes later, we are strolling on the

beach, enjoying the cool sand, beautiful seashells, crashing waves, shrieking seagulls, and the distant

scent of fish and chips. Shells poke into my soles, assaulting me with sharp pangs that remind me I am

not dreaming.

Jace picks up a beautiful paua shell. It shines as though the seas have been polishing it for decades,

and the inside swirls with dazzling greens and blues.

“These are my favorite shells,” he says.

He passes it to me and I take it.

“What’s your favorite stone, Cooper?”

I laugh. “That’s like a parent choosing a favorite kid or something.”

“But what do you consider special? Diamond, maybe?”

“Diamond is the strongest, and I do like it. It’s pretty much a stone of optimism. No matter how you

turn it, the light is always there.”

The shoes dangling from Jace’s shoulder start to slip, but I catch them before they hit the sand.

“However,” I whisper, setting his shoes back on his firm shoulders, “my favorite stone is opal.”

Found in Australia where an enormous inland ocean used to be, opal is literally like touching a

prehistoric ocean. As the ocean dried out, water seeped into the earth’s cracks weathering sandstone and

making a silica-rich environment for my favorite stone to form.

“I know it’s an Aussie stone,” I say, grinning, “but don’t hate me. I really like them.”

Jace scowls. “Traitor.”

“And greenstones,” I add hurriedly before I’m revoked of my Kiwi status. “Of course.”

He laughs and strokes his hook. “Next you’ll be telling me your favorite animal is the Koala.”

“Well . . .”

He shakes his head.

We continue the length of the beach. At the end, we dip out toes into the water. “Thanks,” he says

over a crashing wave. “For the walk. It helps. You help.”

“Anytime.”

conglomerate

‘Anytime’ comes a couple of weeks later. The night before Lila’s surgery.

Jace sneaks into my room. “Cooper?”

I’m not asleep. My nerves and hopes won’t allow me to shut my eyes. “Yeah?”

He grabs my foot through the bedspread. “I can’t sleep.”

I know. He’s been playing a nervous piece on the piano for the last hour. It was originally jubilant

and hopeful, but then it delved into something dark and desperate that made me cover my ears with a

pillow.

“Come see the glowworms with me?”

It’s the middle of winter, and a cold wind is howling through the gutters.

I peel back the bedspread anyway. Five minutes later, I’m fully dressed and slipping through the

fringes of the bush with Jace.

Icy wind ruffles our hair as we trudge to the cave. The glowworms have left for the season, but our

special spot remains tranquil. I leave my worries at the entrance and allow myself to breathe.

“I’m scared,” Jace says. He’s standing at the wall.

I slide up behind him and slip my arms around his waist, my forehead pressed to his neck. “She has

good doctors, she’s strong. She’ll pull through.”

My head bobs in unison with his nod.

“It’s not just about Mum,” he says, so quietly that I barely hear him.

“What else?”

“Me. Susan.”

I grit my teeth.

He continues, “I slept with her for the first time last weekend.”

I want to move away, but Jace is tracing something over the back of my hand. “It was after Mum

told us things were looking good. I felt so hopeful. So full of energy. She kissed me and I had this need

to be close, you know?”

“Right.” I pull away, but Jace snatches my hand, holding me in place.

“No, that’s the thing. It didn’t feel right. I felt—nothing. Nothing.”

I release my breath slowly. “Why does that scare you?”

Soft pitter-patters of rain turn into a pelting torrent.

“Because it makes everything dark.”

“Jace, you wouldn’t ever hurt yourself—”

“No. That’s not it. I got this mail, Cooper, and I haven’t opened it because I don’t want things to

change, but things will change and—” He turns around. “It’ll snuff out the last of the light.”

He scrubs his face.

“God, I wish I’d never slept with her. Wish Mum wasn’t sick. Wish I wasn’t so afraid all the time.

Wish I was strong like you. You don’t care what anyone thinks and you stand up for who you are. I need

to do that too. But I can’t. Fuck, I sound so stupid right now. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I

haven’t slept in forever, and . . . I don’t know.”

I lift his chin. Hundreds of comforting words dance on the tip of my tongue, but instead of speaking

any of them, I whisper, “I love you.”

The rain crashes hard on the foliage and splashes into the creek. My breath fogs into the cold night

air. “More than a friend, Jace,” I continue. “I am totally in love with you.”

* * *

The blaze in Jace’s eye tells me he’s shocked, but the small twitch of his lip indicates he’s not

entirely surprised.

He blinks and lets out a slow breath that mingles with mine. I’m still replaying the moment in my

mind and trying to understand why I said it. It was the truth—is the truth—but it’s the worst-timed

declaration of love in all of history.

You don’t tell a man you love him when he’s in the middle of a family crisis. When his mum is hours

away from surgery and he’s emotionally frail. You don’t show him a fragile emotion that you’ve

cultivated and protected for years when he hasn’t slept properly in months.

I don’t care. Exhilaration burns through my veins. I’ve said the truth, and the secret anchor in my

chest has lifted. I’m not taking any of it back.

I want to kiss you, Jace. I want to make love to you and hold you forever.

I swallow, daring to hold his gaze. Is he scrambling to make sense of this? Is he figuring out how to

gently let me down?

I stand there forever, waiting. The rain splashes into the entrance, and a few drops land on my boot.

Jace rests his head against the wall and shuts his eyes. “Coop,” he finally says exhaustedly.

I don’t want to hear what he has to say. I never want to know he doesn’t feel the same.

I draw back but he grabs my hands. “Cooper, it’s complicated.”

Of all the things I expect him to say—I don’t see you that way, I love you too, you’re just a

stepbrother to me, I love you as a friend—this is not one of them. “Complicated?”

A long stretch of silence passes. He starts to speak but stops. Twice. Then he manages to say,

“You’re my closest friend. I need that right now.”

I nod. My mouth is dry and I’m shaking. I nod again and duck out of there. Rain hits my face and

drizzles down my neck and under my jacket. At the edge of the creek, I find a speckled stone covered in

wet moss. Conglomerate, maybe. I pocket it and let out a shuddering breath.

He needs me as a friend.

His mum is having surgery tomorrow.

I sniff, nod, then turn back to Jace and take him home.

laminae

I crawl into Annie’s bed. She wraps her arms around me, no questions asked. Does she think I’m

worried about Lila’s surgery, or does she know it’s more than that? How much does Annie know?

I grip my moss-covered stone and cry. She steers my head to her shoulder and pats my back. “It’s

okay, it’s going to be okay.”

Her shirt is wet with my tears. She passes me a tissue but I quickly have to grasp for another. When

I’m finally spent of energy, I lie down on the pillow. “Sorry, Annie.”

She rolls over and kisses my cheek. “Is there something more going on, Coop? I’m afraid for Lila

too but it was Jace’s name you kept saying.”

I’m thankful for the dark, for the shadows that will hide the truth. “I feel for him,” I say. “He only

has his mum.”

“Dad too.”

“I mean real relatives.”

“He has you and me, even if he does have poor taste in tea. But I’m used to that with you, so—”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“It doesn’t matter that we don’t share the same blood. We have two homes, and this is one of them.

Jace will always be family now.”

I curl onto my side. Annie’s hair glows dimly despite the dark. “How’d you go from hating them to

loving them so quickly?”

“I didn’t say I love them.”

But she’s blinking back tears, and I know she cares.

“This is just the way it is. No one said you can choose your family, right?”

Suddenly it’s nine months ago, and Jace and I are in the cave: I would have chosen you. That was

the moment I realized my love stretched beyond friendship. The moment that eventually led to tonight: I

am totally in love with you.

“I would have chosen them,” I say. A pregnant pause, then a smile. “You’re right. We are forever

now.”

“Even when things change,” Annie agrees.

Change. The word rings like a church bell on a Sunday morning, trying to stir my soul and snatch

it.

Change is coming. Hell, it could be coming tomorrow. If not tomorrow then it will come in five

months when Annie and Jace break away from the nest and fly on their own.

Of course, it’s to be expected. Time and the pressures of life make it necessary. Like basalt to

granulite, mudstone to slate, limestone to marble, kid Jace will turn into adult Jace.

Kid me will turn into adult me.

“Do you know where you’ll go to university?”

She puffs up her pillow. “I think I want to study psychology and go to Victoria University. Vic has a

great program.”

My broad smile cracks the dried tears on my face. “You’ll be staying in Wellington?”

“Yeah. I want to try flatting though.”

“Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.” Please don’t leave me alone!

“But I’ll come for dinner sometimes. You can hang wherever I’m living too.”

“Okay.” It’s not okay, really. But it’s all I have.

Will Jace offer the same thing? Or did I ruin it with my declaration?

I place the stone on the corner of the pillow between us. “I wish things didn’t have to change.”

travertine

Lila’s operation to remove the tumor was a success, and a dark cloud has lifted from our house.

Rays of sunlight stream through the windows.

Dad and Jace embrace in the foyer over Lila’s hospital bag. Annie and I huddle in like we’re rugby

players. Like Jace, Dad looks ragged. He’s barely slept the last months, and healthy eating hasn’t been

his biggest priority, no matter how much Annie and I nag him to stay fit.

“Thank you,” Dad says. “Thank you for all being there. For showing us what a strong family we

can be. I love you. I love you all very much.”

We huddle amongst his words and love, then slowly break apart. Dad and Annie move to the

kitchen for tea while I sneak upstairs to peek through Dad’s bedroom door. Lila is curled up on the bed

holding a framed photo.

Jace glides to his piano and plays bright, cheerful music.

Lila shuts her eyes and breathes it in. She smiles.

The light is back.

ironstone

The days fly by with school and the routine of home life.

The nights, however, are long.

Too much time to think, to hope, to despair. The women I love are shining brighter than ever.

Lila, with new strength and spirit; Mum, with passion and adventure; Annie, with bright confidence and

maturity. They seem older, wiser, happier.

But I’m not happier. I wonder if Jace has forgotten our last moment together. He’s never brought

it up, and he hasn’t changed his behavior. He still steals me away and drives us to the beach to pig out

on ice cream. He still laughs at my Bert and Ernie misadventures. He still finds rocks and stones for me.

He still wraps an arm around my neck as we walk barefoot in ocean tides.

Twice, he’s even crawled into my bed when he couldn’t sleep.

But not a single word about that night.

I ponder Jace’s silence as I line a fake coffin with red velvet in preparation for Dad’s Halloween

birthday.

Jace is supposed to be showing Annie the best keys on the piano for a haunted house tune, but he’s

playing Rocky Horror Picture Show’s Time Warp instead.

“Madness takes its toll,” he sings, his low pitch prickling my skin.