Текст книги "Keeping Her"

Автор книги: Alexis Noelle

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 10 страниц)

Chapter Fourteen

Julia

The sun peeks through my window and I open my eyes immediately closing them to escape the blinding light. My head is pounding and feels like it’s being squeezed so hard that what’s left of my brains might pop out. I can’t believe I let Lacey talk me into going out last night

She begged me for almost an hour before I finally gave in. It’s been a month since I lost Dan and it’s been hell. I figured I could use the night out, but I definitely did not think I would do what I did. I don’t know what happened, or even how I let it go that far. Yes, I was drunk but that’s no excuse for giving into him the way I did. I let him use me, I let him in again. I’m not ready to move on with anyone, especially not with Brian.

I’m not even sure how we both got to be in the bathroom, considering I can only remember bits and pieces of the night. I had just gotten the news that they found the guy who killed Dan. He still had his wallet and they found some other stuff that had been in his car. It brought everything from that night back to the forefront of my mind. It was like we were mourning and closing the door on what happened at the same time.

The doorbell rings and I grab the sides of my head trying to cover my ears. Loud noises are no good right now. I stagger downstairs vowing to not listen to Lacey next time she tries to cheer me up. I open the door to find the last person I want to see, Brian.

“You need to go,” I say as I start to shut the door.

“No.” He pushes the door open and then walks past me into the living room.

“Listen, I can’t deal with you right now. I’m hung over, exhausted, and regretting everything about last night. Let’s just chalk it up to a mistake and move on.”

He turns toward me. “I don’t regret last night. The only regret I have is not chasing your ass down when you ran away from me. We need to talk, Jules. We’ve needed to talk for six fucking years.” He sits down on the couch and makes it clear to me that I have no say in what is going on right now.

“What do you need to say, Brian?” I snap at him. I really don’t want to deal with this but I know that he isn’t going to drop it. I am so emotionally drained from everything that has gone on this past month. Dan’s murder, planning the funeral, dealing with life as a widow. Thankfully, they caught the asshole that shot him. Apparently he had a long record of past offenses. If anyone in the damn legal system did their job he would have been locked up and none of this would have happened.

“I want to talk to you about that night, Jules. It’s long overdue and we are both obviously still holding onto shit that we don’t need to.”

That night is the absolute last thing I want to talk about. “Say what you need to.”

“I want to know your side of the story. You say I left you, you say I crushed you, but I don’t even understand how that could be possible.” He is looking at me and he seems so sincere, that I almost believe his bullshit.

“I don’t know if you developed some sort of convenient amnesia, but it’s ridiculous that you’re going to make me relive that night. That you won’t just own up to what you did to me.” I pull my feet up onto the couch and get comfortable now knowing that we are most likely going to be here a while. “I was so mad at you when I left your house that night. You were being so pigheaded and irrational. I went over to Dan’s and we watched a movie. The next morning I couldn’t wait to see you, to spend the last hour or so I had in town with you and you ditched me. You left me there waiting for you, telling everyone they were wrong, that you wouldn’t just forget about me. Well, I was wrong.”

His hands run over his face in what I guess in frustration at hearing how much of a dickhead he was. “You skipped over a lot of shit don’t you think, Jules?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I am in no mood for his mind games right now.

“I mean all the fucking messages, ignoring every damn phone call I made. I mean the picture you sent me when I told you I was coming to get you.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”  I usually don’t lose my cool very easily but I have no idea what the hell is going on. “I fell asleep on the couch about fifteen minutes after I got to Dan’s. I was exhausted and passed out on the couch.

His eyes snap up to me. “What?”

“I. Fell. Asleep. So whatever the hell story you made up in your head is complete bullshit.”

His fist slams down on my coffee table so hard I think for a minute it might actually split in two. “If that motherfucker wasn’t already dead, I swear to God I would fucking kill him.”

I stand up. “Get out of my house! You do not get to come in here and say that shit! He was my husband! We lived here together! He saved me from the shell of a person you turned me into! We were perfectly fine until you showed up!”

“Oh yea? You perfectly fine living a fucking lie, princess?”

“What are you talking about, Brian? I’m so sick of your stupid goddamn games!” I scream at him in frustration. I can’t do this with him. The wounds are still too fresh and too painful.

“I wasn’t the asshole playing games all of these damn years. It was that piece of shit that you decided to make your fucking husband.” He spits the words out at me with such contempt.

“I swear to God if you say one more thing about him I’m going to start throwing shit at you,” I scream. I can’t take any more of him trashing Dan, especially when he isn’t here to defend himself.

He laughs, and it just pisses me off more than I already am. “Let me tell you what happened that night.” He sits down and looks at me waiting for me to follow. I do it only in hopes that it speeds up the process and gets him out of here faster.

He takes a deep breath like he is trying to calm himself down. “I was at the house and pissed off that you left to go see him. I texted you to tell you to come back and spend the last night you had with me. I fucking missed you already and you hadn’t even left. When my phone dinged I thought it would be you saying you were coming over, but it was something I never expected. A break up text. You went on about how we needed time apart, you needed your space from me and that was the main reason you were going away for the summer. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I called you but you wouldn’t answer me you just kept texting me and telling me to leave you alone and shit. I told you I was coming over to see you, that if that was how you really felt I wanted to hear it in person. That’s when the picture came. The fucking image that has haunted me every day since I saw it.”

He stops and leaves me on a verbal cliffhanger.

“It was a picture of you, the only person I ever trusted, ever loved, in the arms of someone else. Dan and you were lying together under some damn blanket and kissing. When I saw that shit it fucking broke me. I was so fucking mad I threw my phone at the wall and it shattered. I drank until I couldn’t see straight and didn’t even know my own name. I woke up in the morning and realized I had one more shot to see you. It was still two hours before you had to leave so I went to your house. I pounded on your door until your dad finally opened it. When I told him I was there to see you the fucker just smiled at me and told me you had already left with Dan to have breakfast and go to the airport. As far as I knew you threw me away like a piece of fucking garbage.” His face twists like just remembering what happened is causing him pain.

I’m speechless. I have no idea how to respond to him. I texted him like crazy that morning, trying to see him before I left, feeling abandoned by the person I loved. Dan broke us up? He must have deleted the messages he sent. He kissed me? He took advantage of me when I was asleep.

An overwhelming sense of betrayal settles over me. How could I have not known? Am I that bad a judge of character? My husband, the one person that swore to love and honor me built our bond and marriage on a lie. Tears form in my eyes for so many different reasons.

I look back up at Brian not knowing what to say to him. What can you say in this situation? “None of it was true.” I whisper still in shock and disbelief.

“Yeah, I kind of figured given your reaction, Jules. Back then I thought you just decided that I wasn’t good enough for you, to give you what you were used to having.”

“I told you so many times that stuff never mattered to me,” I whisper not feeling as brave and confident as I had a few minutes ago.

He gets up and sits next to me. His hands tangle in my hair as he lifts my head and looks in my eyes. “I know that, but I let my fears take over. I was always scared I wasn’t enough for you. You were my entire world, Jules, and I felt like I didn’t belong in yours. I believed it because it was my worst fear, but I never stopped loving you.”

His mouth moves to connect with mine. I get lost with him for a minute, and it feels like nothing has changed, like we are still two kids who are crazy in love with each other. When his tongue skims the line of my lips it zaps me back to reality. I pull away from him.

“We can’t do this. I can’t do this, not right now at least. Honestly, I’m not sure if I can ever do this.” I can’t look at him as I say this.

“What are you taking about? I still love you as much as I did back then, in fact I love you even more. I know you still love me, I can see it in your eyes. There’s nothing stopping us now.” I can hear the plea in his voice and it’s killing me.

I stand up needing to distance myself from him. “No. I’m not ready. My husband just died, Brian. He was murdered.”

“Yea and he was a fucking liar, Jules.” The contempt and anger are back in his voice.

“That doesn’t mean that I didn’t love him! The pain is still there, Brian! It doesn’t just disappear because I find out that he did something really shitty years ago!” I’m so conflicted right now. I hate what Dan did to me, to Brian. That doesn’t erase the last almost six years of loving him.

“You’re really serious?” He stands up and stands in front of me.

I nod my head. “I just can’t do this right now.”

His eyes fill with anger and pain. It kills me knowing I put it there.

“Fine. Fucking be naive, and let him control us even after he’s dead.” He walks past me and a second later I hear the door slam.

I sit down on the couch and run my hands through my hair.

This shit is so fucked up.

Chapter Fifteen

Julia

I hear the door open and close, silently thanking God that Lacey could come over. My head is a fucking mess right now and I have no idea what to do. She sits down next to me throwing a bunch of stuff on the table. When I look up and there is a ton of candy and two bottles of wine, I wrap my arms around her. It’s been hours since Brian dropped the bomb that he did and I don’t feel any better.

“You’re a life saver.”

“I know, now let’s talk about the cluster fuck your life has turned into.” I laugh. Lacey has never had a knack for subtlety. “What are you feeling?”

“That’s just it, Lace. I have no idea how I’m feeling about Brian. Do I love him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I wish we would have figured this shit out years ago? Yes.” She rips open the bag of Doritos and looks back up at me like I’m a damn soap opera she is caught up in. “Then there’s the other side. Can I just forget that I ever loved Dan because he did a fucked up thing? No. Can I forget the hell I went through after Brian? No. Can I just throw all my inhibitions out the window and jump into something with him? No.” I look over at Lacey and she is still eating the damn chips and watching me. I’m really starting to feel like a freak show attraction. “Can you say something?”

She shakes her head and starts to laugh. “Girl, you need to go on Dr. Phil, ‘cause this shit is fucking unreal. I mean this is made for TV shit right here.”

“You’re not helping.” I snatch the bag of chips from her laughing at the expression on her face.

“Listen, babe, I can’t tell you what to do. I know that’s what you’re looking for, but only you can know what’s right for you. I know you can’t forget all of the shit that happened that summer, and the way you felt but it has to help to know none of it was real. Right?”

“See that’s just it. It is real. It was hell. It might not have been Brian’s fault, but the pain is all the same. I know what it feels like to lose him. Say I decide to be with him, then it doesn’t work, I couldn’t do that shit again.”

“I know, I was there. I’m just saying maybe you need to think about it, babe. You always said how much you loved him, you have obviously been drawn to him since he’s gotten back. Maybe it was meant to be.”

That’s the last thing I need to hear right now. I don’t need Lacey to push me toward him, I need someone to slap the shit out of me and tell me that I’m a damn idiot for even considering taking him back. That’s what my head is telling me. It wants me to move away to Timbuktu just to keep myself from going back to him. My heart is a whole different story. It wants me to run across the street and tell him how much I still love him. How much I have missed him. How at night I still dream about him.

“I can’t think like that. I can’t let myself think that things will be great between us. Do you remember how much we used to fight?”

“I remember that no fight could compare with how well that man made up after.” She winks at me and I throw the pillow next to me at her.

“You are so not helping.”

“Hey, you never said I needed to come over to help, you just sent an SOS so I brought candy and wine.”

I shake my head at her. Since we were kids that’s always been our code. SOS meant that shit hit the fan and we needed some cheering up. It evolved into wine in college. In fifth grade, Lacey sent her first SOS when the boy Billy that she liked put dirt in her hair at recess. I came to her house with a box of fruit snacks and we watched a Saved By The Bell marathon so she could obsess over Zack Morris instead of Billy Scott.

“I’m scared.” It’s all I say. It’s the truth.

“Of what?”

The smile leaves her face as she sits up straighter sensing the change in my demeanor. “Of him. Of us. Of being in love with him again.”

“Aw, babe, maybe you won’t even like him once you get together again. Maybe when he was deployed his dick got shot off, at that point he is useless anyway and the appeal is gone.”

My mouth drops open. “You did not just say that.” I break out in laughter barely able to breathe.

Lacey pats me on the back before standing up. “You need wine.” She heads into the kitchen while I’m still trying to catch my breath. I’ll worry about Brian tomorrow, tonight I need to drown my sorrows with my best friend.

***

Lacey empties the last of the wine into my cup as we scroll through old pictures of the two of us.

“Oh my God!” she screeches. “How do you have a picture of that?” On the screen is a picture of Lacey passed out on her desk during our first period junior year of high school.

“I snapped it when Miss Smith was calling the disciplinarian. Everyone seriously thought you were a drug addict that day.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault! They should label the packages better!”

“Lacey the bottle said Tylenol PM!”

She laughs. “I though PM meant premenstrual and I had serious cramps. How the hell would I have known it was basically a sleeping pill?”

“Um, because it had a picture of a person sleeping on the box!”

She waves me off. “I just thought it meant you finally fucking sleep ‘cause you didn’t have cramps anymore.”

We both break into hysterics. Lacey and I have gotten into some crazy situations, but that day was insane. I had to walk her to the disciplinarian and by walk I mean half carry her. It took Miss Avery almost an hour to get the story from her because she kept falling asleep while she was talking to her. When she realized what Lacey had done she sent her to the nurse’s office to sleep it off and I went back to pick her up at dismissal. She would rather the kids have thought she took drugs then call her stupid so she never told them the truth. Only the two of us knew why she really slept the whole day.

A horn honks outside and my mood drops. Lacey called a cab about twenty minutes ago because there is no way she could drive home. “Well, lady, I love you hard.” She gives me a hug and I wish that she didn’t have to leave. “Morning meetings are the damn devil.”

“Bye, Lace, thanks for tonight.”

“SOS is my favorite kind of text.” She winks at me before she leaves.

I look around hating being alone in this house. I’ve considered selling it and just getting an apartment. I don’t need all this space and every inch of this house is filled with a memory I no longer want to remember.

I look across the street to see Brian’s light on. I wonder what he is doing. Is he thinking about me? Does he know how much I wish we could rewind time? I shake my head thinking about all the years and the pain wasted. Before I know what I’m doing I walk across the street. When I get to the door I don’t knock. What would I say? What is there to say?

“Hey, sorry I thought you were an asshole for eight years?” Nope. “Hey, sorry I married the guy that broke us both?” Nope. “Hey, sorry I—“

“Jules?”

I look up and see Brian standing there. Busted. Now what? Say something! Anything! Make words come out of your mouth! I stare back at him lost in my thoughts. He’s gonna think you’re crazy. Only crazy people talk to themselves you know.

“Are you okay?”

Now he definitely thinks you’re crazy. Speak bitch! “Hi.” Real fucking articulate.

“Hi.” He looks at me expecting more.

“So I’m gonna go.” I turn to walk, or more like run away. Before I know it I’m flying through the air and land on the cement face first. What the fuck!

“Jules!” Brian is next to me helping me to my feet. “Shit, you’re bleeding.”

Brian takes me inside as I giggle to myself. The bottle of wine combined with my lack of balance is really comical. I sit on his couch and look around. Besides the TV, it is the only thing in the room. Even though he has been here for months it looks like he just moved in.

“Why is your house so empty?” He walks back in and gives me a confused look. “I mean there aren’t any decorations or anything. You’re a guy, I figured it would be like a man cave with sports shit everywhere.”

“Have you been drinking?” He looks at me as he wipes the cut I apparently acquired on my forehead.

“Yes, daddy, an entire bottle of wine.” As soon as the sentence leaves my mouth I blush.

“Just so we are clear, I don’t find you calling me daddy annoying, in fact it’s pretty fucking hot.”

Suddenly every time he touches me my skin feels like it’s on fire. Being this close to him and knowing everything I found out today sucks. “Why do you always say stuff like that? Are you constantly trying to turn me on?” I swear to God. Word vomit. I was better being a fucking mute.

He smirks as he looks at me. He places a small Band-Aid on the cut and then leans in close to my ear. “I love that my dirty mouth turns you on, Jules. And if you would let me, I could do a lot more with it than make your panties wet.”

Holy fuck.

I have no idea what to do or say. Brian hasn’t moved and I don’t trust myself to. He pulls away and stands up. “You should stay here tonight. You hit your head pretty hard.”

Is he fucking crazy? Staying here is the last thing I need. “I should really go.”

“At least hang out for a little bit. Let me make sure you’re ok.” I can’t help but smile at the fact that he is worried about me and insisting on taking care of me.

“Okay, but not long.”

He sits down on the other side of the couch and turns the TV on. I bite my lip as I look over at him. “Stop doing that before I bite it for you.”

I immediately release it as a blush rises from my neck over my cheeks.

How the hell am I going to survive being here with him?

Chapter Sixteen

Brian

Having her here with me right now and not touching her is killing me. Once I found out that everything I thought happened was a lie, I wanted to pick up right where we left off. When she turned me down, it hurt. I thought I was dreaming when I heard her voice earlier, but when I opened the door there she was looking like a deer in headlights.

I try to keep my attention focused on the movie I turned on but all I can do is look at her. My couch is big but right now it feels like the smallest place in the world. All I want to do is move over to her, wrap her in my arms, and remind her why we have always been so good together.

“So there are some cool places in town, where you could get different things to decorate.”

I smile at how uncomfortable she is, that only means she feels our connection as much as I do. “Why are you so worried about if my house is decorated or not?” I turn to face her and the change of position places us even closer to each other.

Her tongue darts out to wet her lips and my hands fist the edge of the couch to keep from going to her. “I just figured that since you bought the house you would want it to feel like more of a home.”

Home. That is a word that has never really meant anything to me. I move closer to her needing to be next to her. “This isn’t a home right now, Jules. Not without someone to share it with.” I take a deep breath as I prepare to put myself out there for her once more. “I never decorated it because I always pictured sharing a house with you, having you hang flowers and girly shit everywhere. This will never be home without you in it.”

She inhales deeply before she slowly leans toward me. I freeze not wanting to make any moves. I want her to be the one to initiate this. When her lips touch mine it is pure fucking heaven. It’s everything I have wanted since the moment I lost her all those years ago. I trace the line of her lips with my tongue and she opens for me. Accepting me. Inviting me in.

My hands run up her sides and tangle into her hair, holding her close to me like if I open my eyes she might be gone. She moans as I slide my tongue in and out of her mouth and my dick instantly swells. I want to take her so bad right now but I know that she isn’t ready for that. I can’t rush her. I can’t lose her again.

“Brian…” she whispers. I know that’s my cue to stop, to not push her.

I pull away and look at her. Her lips are red and swollen from our kiss, and it gives me a sense of pride knowing I’m the one that made them like that. “Don’t say you have to go. Even if you don’t stay with me. Even we stop with that kiss, I want you here. I’ve missed you for years and now that you’re here I don’t want to miss another second. I know you’re still grieving and I can accept that, but you need to know that I’m all in. You’re it for me, always have been, always will be.”

Her hand slowly traces my cheek. She lets out a sigh as she shakes her head. “I have never been able to tell you no. I think that’s what scares me more than anything else. I can’t go through losing you again, Brian. I can’t grieve you again. I’m not even out of the grieving stage for my husband.”

Hearing her call him her husband pisses me off so bad. He never deserved the damn title. I take a deep breath and calm down before saying anything. “I know that, baby, that’s why I said the cards are all in your hands. How this all goes is up to you.”

She nods her head and lays it down on my chest. “Right now I don’t want to think about anything. I just want to be. No problems, no arguing, just peace.” She pulls her feet up on the couch so she’s now laying down and I run my hand through her hair.

“I’ll give you anything you want. Just say the word.”  I wait for her response. Nothing comes. When I look down her eyes are closed and I can feel that her breathing has evened out. She looks like a damn angel as she sleeps on me and all I can think of is how it would feel to lose her again.

The only difference would be that this time it really would be my fault. My demons could very well scare her away. While I know that I should start this the right way with no secrets and no lies, I can’t. She would never understand. She would never forgive me.

Sometimes even loving someone with all your heart isn’t enough to overcome the things in your past or your present. Sometimes it just isn’t enough, especially if trust is broken the way it would be with us. If she finds out she would leave me, and this time she would never look back.

I turn my attention back to the TV trying to think of anything but the fact that she is here with me.

That I finally have her and that I might lose her just as quickly.