Текст книги "Note: To read before the wedding"
Автор книги: Yury Gurkov
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12. First-grader love experience
I have recently heard from the first-grader Sashen’ka: “I love a boy”. I asked: “Does he know about it?” She said: “No”. “Do you think he is a good boy?” She said: “Yes”. I replied: “Why do you think so?” She told me: “I don't know”.
Do not you think that conversations with adult girls, their conversations with friends are the same?
– “Why do you love me?”
– “Oh, I don't know, but I feel like I am head over heels in love!”
There are two arguments that can justify a relationship with almost any man. The first – I do not know, and it turns out, I cannot explain why. And the second – I fell in love, which few people even try to understand and explain even to themselves – why?
Further, in the conversation with Sashen’ka, while I was getting more accurate information, I managed to direct her to think: what his features do you like, how does he differ from others, etc. Then the little girl was able to find three or four correct and useful characteristics of the boy she liked: kind, beautiful, gives her candy, helps at school.
A couple of weeks later, she shared her news again about the “love affairs”:
– “…And I stopped loving that boy, and now I love another” – she told me after a while.
– “Why?”
– “That guy talks all the time. He is like a chatterbox. So I stopped loving him.”
– “So you do not like that he talks a lot and does not listen to you?”
– “Yeah.”
– “So who is the new one?”
– “Andrey, he does not talk much and gave me a candy.”
We see the girl’s first steps of evaluating the actions. She noticed that she was not comfortable when the other person was not just a bit talkative. It is really not interesting when your opponent uses the formula 90 to 10, meaning that 90 % of the time he occupies with his conversations and you have only 10 %. Sashen’ka noticed the thing that many adult girls do not always have time to understand even before the wedding. The thing is that her future husband would completely fill the space with himself. Sasha made a new choice and felt that the gentleman who talks a blue streak less is better for her. And the fact that he gave her a candy made him a prince in her eyes.
It is not a big deal when we are talking about the first-grader. She has 10 years in reserve to learn many things about boys. But if you instill in her the practice of thinking, looking for motivation and evaluating actions, their constancy, and many other things and details, then she will be much better prepared for relationships, for the choices that most people make in the strangest, least practical way, as practice shows.
SASHA MADE A NEW CHOICE AND FELT THAT THE GENTLEMAN WHO TALKS A BLUE STREAK LESS IS BETTER FOR HER. AND THE FACT THAT HE GAVE HER A CANDY MADE HIM A PRINCE IN HER EYES.
The rule ‘a new guy should be not like the last one’ works for everyone who got burned on the shortcomings of the boyfriend before the wedding. It often happens in the same scenario after the next divorce. For example, the guy was greedy and did not give gifts, so the next one who is more generous will immediately get a fat plus in the rating. And being already married to the «generous» man, the girl discovers that he is rude with his generosity and is constantly terribly jealous. Of course, here are given the most primitive examples, but the point is to give some thought provoking issue: you have to remember when beginning a new relationship what you did not like in the previous one. And, please, do not forget to get the wind of him in all other aspects before the wedding, so that, running away from one disadvantage, you will not get stuck in five more unpleasant ones.
If only most girls and boys from childhood, from Sashen’ka's age had lessons in this issue – about boys, about how she understands them. Why does she fall in love with one or the other? I am sure that most readers had not such education. It was only slightly or not at all. Parents teach their child everything they consider important: to be honest, to respect their elders, to express themselves correctly and accurately, to behave in society, not to deceive, to be accurate, to achieve goals and to perform well at school. School has also many disciplines, including some important for the life ones. For example, there are such lessons as basics of life safety, arts and crafts, physical education.
There are no places (no special schools, courses) where young men and women (those who are ready for the marriage) can be enriched with knowledge of how to build the ‘right’ relationships, how to understand who they love, what family life really consists of and how to avoid mistakes when choosing a husband/ wife? There is no whole layer of education and training, even no one teaches basic knowledge of preparing a family, happy relationship in marriage.
How much time do you have? Maybe you are just preparing for a wedding and you are still reading, trying to find out whether you did everything right? Or you already live in a marriage and you have chosen your companion years ago. You have chosen him because of his beauty or sense of humor; maybe you liked him for fidelity or for a beautiful back. This also happens. You are not alone. There are plenty of similar stories. And some of them are collected in this book. Perhaps some of the readers all that is left to do is to educate their children that way, because their choice was made long time ago. They want their child to be more pragmatic in order not to repeat the mistakes of mom, dad, friends or relatives.
A simple analysis of the reasons for his actions, some life experience and facts surrounding us and also a desire to help at least a few people to learn and not to make rash steps before the wedding (steps which are based only on feelings, on the concupiscence) make me put letters into words in this book.
This issue is very extensive. There are many factors and components. It is difficult to conclude all the concepts and conditions within one or more sentences, or even one book. Therefore, I will try to tell you about the clearest, the most logical and most important things. This is not an axiom or a final conclusion in terms of the book. This cannot be taught. This cannot change all or many of those who read it. But even if a few people can think and contemplate afterwards, and one person does not make a rash choice of his/ her second half or somebody teaches his/ her children to be happier, then this work is not in vain.
This education must begin with the alphabet and cooked semolina for breakfast.
13. To love is to care
Our relationships are based on love, on the desire to be close, to stand together, especially at the stage of preparation and formation of a family, before the wedding. This is the euphoria of falling in love, when it seems that you just cannot breathe without this person, you cannot help thinking about him in delightful colors. You cannot concentrate on things you are doing, always distracting from everything else but him or her very easily. And vice versa, it is very difficult for you to return to other thoughts.
Unfortunately, experience has proven that all these feelings have an anti-mirror effect. It happens when the couple does their first steps in the family life. You do not look at your husband or wife and do not want to see him/ her, do not want to breathe near this person and cannot stop thinking about him/ her with irritation. You try to get away from these thoughts. You try to distract yourself with all known ways – drinking wine, having a new crush or a combination of these two. For somebody work is a way to escape the reality.
Between these poles, from the hot «love» to the icy «hate», our relationship crosses many life meridians. And it seems like both of them loved each other, as they say, but they divorced (about 60 marriages out of every hundred).
Did they love each other well? Was the love strong? And how is it – to love somebody? When can a couple's relationship be called love? With what kind of love can you get a happy marriage, a happy family life, being with him side by side, raising children and earning daily bread, falling asleep on the same bed?
The first step of love during the rose and candy stage is the sweetest period, it is all about honey with a tiny nigger in the woodpile. And even though it has to warn about something, it always remains unheard. Nothing of the kind! Passion, bodies vibrate from hormones, sometimes to a precollaptoid state. And your head is full of dreams. We will have this little things and those, everything will be very good, peaceful, affectionate, mindful, colorful – says the excited mind.
Everyone knows about rose – colored spectacles, but when it begins to happen to him/ her, the chances of those who are close to them to reach out and say that the glasses should be removed are minuscule. And as soon as the romance is gone, the rose – colored spectacles fall off like leaves drop off in the autumn. A newly married couple faces the first difficulties, the tests of the relationship. Both of them were sure then that the love had passed.
The stage of saturation or oversaturation of each other comes after the wedding, especially if you rushed and flew into the marriage as cars fly at speed on the "Formula 1", so that they can change the wheels in a few seconds. Race cars will not be able to continue the race without this – the wheels will blow out. What will burst if you are in a hurry to get married today? Those who got married at speed were not really ready to live together; maybe they were not even going to. Well, it happened. One thing, another, and they got already used to each other, and why do you have to send each other endless messages when you can live together?
This period at the beginning of family life is ostrobogulous. Both of the newly married couple is relaxed. They start to show their individual self with all disadvantages, which were either well covered or dressed in tight jeans for strategic purposes – so as not to crumb the wedding. Love begins to drop from the boiling point to the first ice. After 1–2 years, 16 % of marriages burst, apparently “they did not get along”.
What did they both look at when they checked compatibility? There is no real concern for each other in such a short marriage. We can say that in such marriages there was no love, because they did not have time to look out for each other and to pay attention to each other. And you have to know that already 27 % of divorced women will not get married again. They will never have a chance to care about somebody in family relations! Don't you worry that it might be you? That it can be you who mistakenly got married and then remain alone. The first marriage is bound to be a flop and then you can remain alone for life. The price of the mistake in choosing a husband is huge. It is absolutely impossible to get married in a hurry, remember, especially the “first term”.
THE FIRST MARRIAGE IS BOUND TO BE A FLOP AND THEN YOU CAN REMAIN ALONE FOR LIFE. THE PRICE OF THE MISTAKE IN CHOOSING A HUSBAND IS HUGE.
The most “interesting” in the third stage is – disgust towards the shortcomings of the spouse, quarrels, impatience. The competition for power in the family is heating up. This is where marriages start to crumble like dry crackers. Love can be torn up like an unwanted piece of paper in an office paper shredder. Where is the love? It has gone. And this happens more often than we think. It ran away because one of the two in the couple was not prepared for the difficulties or simply overlooked when signed the important document in the registry office. Those who run into a new relationship and a new marriage immediately, without analyzing, without making «error correction», will again get «bad luck» at the same stage, only with another person. At this stage, divorce statistic is the highest – about 25–30 %. For all those people who are still going to get married, it is worth remembering that a couple of million potential bachelors are drug addicts, more than 10 million have been drinking alcohol heavily. And do not forget about prisoners, psychopaths, patients with uncontrolled jealousy. Most likely, you will have to put up with those who remained. This means that you will have to endure and find compromises much more than you could imagine. It is a real hard work on yourself, sometimes it is a kind of back-breaking toil.
Asking a divorced woman who is about 40 years old, I heard another “classic” answer to my question: "Where is the husband? I do not see the wedding ring? Where is he and how did you choose him, according to what criteria?".
The woman stared at me with round eyes and with a question in soaring intonation: “What? To make a choice? There are not plenty. It is necessary to take the first halfway normal!” There is a reasonable share in her words – it is not necessary to go over and dig in the grooms, but also to marry the “first comer”. To start living with him in a civil marriage is not the smartest choice also.
Therefore, it is good to choose in your youth, while there is someone to choose from, but do not delay the case after 35.
Those people, who are thinking and working on themselves with their life's «scratches» and «abrasions» from broken relationships live on, try, get acquainted on dating sites, where they polish their patience. Now they understand more. They know that quarrels, different views on the routine and obvious manifestations of selfishness are an absolutely normal part of a relationship. It is the same as brushing your teeth every day or cooking. Two always different people with different habits, character buildings and different everything else are getting used to each other. Here the sparks are as great as sharpness of the principles and character of each of them.
The wiser of the two becomes softer in order to preserve relationships and family. The wiser irons out the differences for the sake of love, “for both me and my love”. This can be called the greatest wisdom in family relationships. Love begins to warm up again. It heats up when a person with a promising set of characteristics is next to you. You cannot make anything with an indifferent egoist. He is cold to any gentleness. And you cannot forget about others who are shallow – hearted, those who do not know how to appreciate their relatives and live for them and do something for them.
In the development of such family wisdom the spouses are already thinking not about what he or she owes to the partner, but what he/ she can do for the other. As a rule, these are the most common actions, nothing special but the desire to do something for your beloved gives birth to love. The real desire turns into actions, it does not go astray in thoughts.
Just cover the sleeping spouse with a blanket, make no noise and let him sleep for another hour, vacuum instead of him, go to the dry cleaner, and turn on his favorite music, light a fragrant candle in the room. This is the peak of true love in terms of temperature and actions.
To give more than you get in return is the true expression of love. It is about clear and simple care. Giving your energy, time, and talents caring about your loved one every day – is true love. Receiving care and doing nothing in return, trying only to command, reproach, ridicule, suppress by knowledge of the topic or education in something, put ultimatums, using not “beautiful words” or yelling, live for yourself and your pleasures in marriage – this is hardly can be called ‘love’, this is selfishness with your own servant. What of this have you already seen in your life? What drives you wild?
TO GIVE MORE THAN YOU GET IN RETURN IS THE TRUE EXPRESSION OF LOVE. IT IS ABOUT CLEAR AND SIMPLE CARE.
Example:
“Honey, I love you very much!” When he sits every evening in front of the TV, and the wife first prepares food, then rushes and does in parallel, because there is not enough time in turn, washing dishes, ironing, washing the floors and the rest. At the same time, the husband can repeat more than once in the evening that he loves you, that he has a soft spot for you, that you are the best.
This is not love! Why? Is not the girl supposed to do everything around the house, and the husband's job is to get money? Got it, came, sat down, ate some food, drank, fell asleep a little, limping. After all, in most cases it is!
Let's agree that the book will rarely use the word «love» and vice versa, instead of it – a possible interpretation of its meaning in everyday life and these are – care and actions that confirm that he loves you. And another convention – I will write for girls on behalf of the male sex, but this is also a mirror for young men who choose their own best wife.
Here I want to make a watershed between ‘to love doing nothing’ and ‘to love with caring about your beloved’ in an infinite number of ways. I am for the second option, when you can see the actions in relation to you, and feel the desire to make you even a little happier. Such acts of care and attention cannot include courtship from guys before the wedding, for example, compliments, bouquets of flowers, boxes of chocolates or individual chocolates, theatre trips or evenings in the cafes, going to the parties, birthday parties and so on. Why?
These are just elements of courtship, natural guys’ steps to achieve their goals and intentions. They can be serious and many times more often not serious. Actions can be only for a pastime, for simple carnal delights. And this is exactly what the letters of this book, sequentially folded into tips, and is trying to protect you from.
After saying «a», let's go to «b». You can hear from girls: “I look through a guy and if he only needs me for sex, I immediately drop him”.
Oh… It would be much less reason to write, if most of the young or not very young girls, knew this «subject» on ‘excellent’ mark, they would not be caught like birds in a snare over and over again. Even more often you have to feel sympathetic to the girls’ stories when they fell into this trap and immediately saw so much new in their chosen one that from under the bouquets and compliments was not seen. The chosen one either immediately disappeared after getting what he wanted, or disappeared without getting it.
We will return to the "copybook maxims" for girls more than once. And one of the first essential things, which we briefly have to stop at, because of its location on the surface of the type “let's separate the wheat from the chaff”, is to learn how to separate:
– ostents of love that are not in words and messages, not in moments of hugs;
– lust from a serious relationship;
– how much your chosen one is willing to do something for you and not for himself.
Who among us can love? Why are you asking such a strange question? Everyone can love! It is nothing to do – to love. It is about our desire to be with this special one every minute and every second, to breathe the same air. Then it turns out that love is just sitting next to him or lying down not far from him? Moreover, all this is different with different people. The question is so intimate and unexplained.
Is it worth asking such a question? Believe me, it worth it. This is another key in one of the doors of the suite of your palace of understanding about love. There are many rooms, one after the other, each of a different color and decoration. Open it, let's see what you have there, how you put love on the shelves in this room. And as the word «enfilade» in French means to string on a thread, so you will be interested to see what is on your thread of “the ability to love”.
It is simply necessary to make a small digression here, before the reader loses interest in understanding the theme. The idea is simple: love is not just our sighs, desires and passions. Love is a work in which you can show how do you care about beloved one. You show it all the time – you really love him/ her, you just talk about love – it is obvious that you do not love your partner. At the very beginning of a relationship, excessive talkativeness about feelings and love on the part of a young person is bound to alert, especially if actions with a desire to show it, except for gifts and cafes, are far behind or absent.
The ability to care and love is a real moral work which helps you to calm or encourage, inspire to overcome difficulties, meet your precious after a working day, and many other things like that. And this all has to be learned, just as we first learned to read or write. Moving in the relationship to higher levels is like first we learn how to keep in hand a pen and years after learn calligraphy.
I will use some wonderful images and description of this from the famous author, philosopher, psychologist Erich Fromm from the book "the Art of love".
We learn how to drive a car, we go to courses. We also learn to count at school and learn foreign languages. First, the theory, the rules, and then we go to practice driving, if this is a driver's course. With foreign languages it is the same, everything is very clear – first we learn the rules, then we begin to pronounce the easiest standard phrases. And then we polish this skill for many years, either when we drive a car or speak the new language.
Who said that you can love? Have you studied the theory of how to love? What are the rules, what does the course consist of? Did you study the theoretical part to be able to love? There are so few people. You can safely give an answer – no one even thinks, no one studies the theory. What about the practice? Have you had any practical lessons on how to love (please do not confuse it with sex)? Did you start your practical training with the simplest things of love for your loved one?
Most people are completely sure that they know how to love and that this is not necessary to learn: neither to analyze the theory, nor to engage in incomprehensible practice. This is about as absurd as telling someone who does not know a foreign language that they are already fluent in it, or to convince someone who has never driven a car that he will be able to drive ‘like a snake’ in a car backwards.
The misconception is that people are confident:
– that love is simple;
– that you don't have to learn anything in love.
Therefore, most people are looking for romantic love, a romantic experience that should then lead to marriage. After all, you just need to find an object of love, and then "I know everything and I can do everything". They bend this romantic experience to a person who often does not suit them at all. Not suitable is the person for many reasons, but they do not see it at that moment – it usually happens in the rose and candy period.
ONLY A STOUT – HEARTED MAN CAN PARTLY SACRIFICE HIMSELF TO A LOVED ONE. GIVING YOURSELF TO THE BELOVED FOR MANY YEARS OF FAMILY LIFE IS CHERRY ON THE CAKE!
Love, in which there is no help and care for the beloved – this is another concept, but it is not love. The main principle in love is to give yourself, sacrifice your own energy and capabilities, leaving self-care in the background. What do you like more – to receive gifts, care and attention, or to give? Since giving is the highest manifestation of a person, his spiritual power, it is not difficult for the reader to understand how far or close he is to this level.
Only a stout – hearted man can partly sacrifice himself to a loved one. Giving yourself to the beloved for many years of family life is cherry on the cake! Now let’s have a pause for a minute. Were you taught to give yourself, to live for your loved one? Maybe these thoughts visited you during the most romantic moments? If there is a desire and you think about it – it is good enough! But then, after the wedding, life with a husband is completely different, difficult and complicated. Will you have the desire to give yourself after a working day, after cleaning the apartment, doing homework with the child and cooking a three-liter pot of soup for a week? What do you need to have in your head to make you want this? What should your husband be like, how good should he be, so that you will not change your mind about trying so hard for him?
Here is one of the effective rules of love, in which giving yourself is natural – to show an active interest in the life, rest and development of your loved one.
It cannot hurt to repeat such moments again and slightly «decipher» them. For those who reach out for the development of love, here and now there are opinions that love is (first of all):
– your active actions;
– your desire to do them all the time;
– willing your loved one to live more joyfully, more comfortably, more successfully.
To do this, you need to step outside of your selfishness, your individual self, and your interests, which are "ahead of them" for most people. Selfishness prevents us from doing this, we live first for ourselves. Especially when we live with our parents right before the wedding, before marriage. In well – established families, where there are many children, the older ones help with the education of the younger ones and they know this work. Such work, however, is more of a duty, and we are talking about the desire that arises from feelings for a loved one. Such a desire for a loved one is when you actively take care of him/ her.
Now look back at your relationship, which you have now or it is already in the past. Is your boyfriend active to you, what does he constantly do to make you happier, to make you feel more comfortable, so that you have less household duties and rest more, or cares about your education, getting new knowledge?
If it is so and he really cares about you, I can say that you are very lucky, and he really loves you, he is obsessed with you. You can see his motivation for you. Not only to sigh and reach for intimate overloads.
The ability to love and give yourself can be compared to the overloads that affect a person when falling or taking off abruptly. If a person just stands, he is affected by an overload of 1g. and those who do not know how to love – stand, do nothing, do not give themselves, do not experience the overload of their body, so that you feel better in many ways.
The other person loves, creates, helps to develop, cares to share with you household duties, creates the mood, saves from moral breakdowns… To make a long story short – he/she experiences overload. This person does more than just talking about feelings, more than just hugs and tenderness. Cosmonauts are trained, have special health data and can tolerate overloads up to 4g. And the one who gives himself for his beloved is a “cosmonaut”. He is willing to put up with these overloads for you. Such “cosmonauts” are able to make a girl really happy, saddle themselves with up to 3–4 g.
Are there many cosmonauts among ordinary people? There are units. Are there many guys who are ready to do different actions for the sake of their woman, to work hard, to care about their beloved one? Also not many, you can trust me. Look for them; help them to become such persons. But, above all, such work you should try to do on yourself.
The love of two «cosmonauts» will be beautiful, when everyone is eager to compete in a kind way and is in a hurry to do something for a loved one. Even if one of the two aspires to this, it is already good. In such relationships, romance and the desire to make your own fairy tale in your family are great friends and helpers.
Remember that to love means to endure overloads, to work hard on yourself. And loving your spouse all your life in one marriage is the most difficult work in the life. Do you want to love like that? Are you really ready for it?
