Текст книги "Water Walker"

Автор книги: Ted Dekker

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

18

IT TOOK all of my courage to present myself at peace when I got home after seeing Paul beaten at the field that afternoon. I didn’t dare show the slightest concern, because Mother had a hawk-eye for my disposition and would immediately begin digging. So I smiled as best I could, ate supper with the family, and thankfully retired to my room for my evening prayers.

But inside I was falling apart. Kathryn had never beaten either me or Bobby. She was stern to the bone, don’t get me wrong, but she used words, disciplines and rituals, not her hand, except around my throat to push me under the water each week. Seeing Paul beat up terrified me.

Alone in my dark room, I wept for him. For me. For us. It felt like God had immediately and forcefully yanked back his blessing, which had been Paul. And why? Because I’d disobeyed. So I lay in bed sobbing silently into my pillow, begging him for forgiveness.

But there was more than just guilt and sorrow in my heart. I was angry at Zeke.

He could have put Paul in a closet for a day or something instead of beating his face with his fist. God might do that and more, sure—he sent people to hell, didn’t he? And Zeke was his prophet on earth, sure, so he could be God’s voice. But no matter how much I prayed for forgiveness that first night, I couldn’t get the anger out of my heart.

Which scared me, because it was the first time I had really struggled with anger.

And the next day was even worse. I still went about my chores and rituals with a calm face, but inside my anger began to boil.

So I prayed even harder. I repeated my prayers with more intensity. I took an extra shower that night, with the water extra hot. When Mother asked why, I told her that I wanted to be extra pure because things were different now that I was eighteen. She smiled and told me how proud she was of me.

The third day after Paul’s beating, my anger finally began to calm down and I knew that God had finally heard my prayers. But as my anger settled, my sorrow for Paul only grew worse, so it was just as hard to put on a brave face around Kathryn.

The fourth day was Sunday, and I’d never been so eager to be drowned. I asked Mother to make sure she got all the sin out. I was eighteen now.

“Are you sure, sweetheart?” she asked.

“Yes. I have to be sure.”

She smiled. “That’s my brave little girl.”

As she held me under the surface in that dark place of death, I felt the same panic that always came after a couple minutes. But I was surprised by a sudden temptation to just suck in a lungful of water and end it all.

It’s too much, Eden. You can’t do it. You can’t spend one more day living in this hell!

The thought roared through me like a ball of the blackest darkness, and with it a terrible rage at the injustice of my situation.

Mother pulled me up. I gasped and for a split second I was disappointed to be alive. And then Kathryn’s hallelujah wiped the darkness away and I felt gratefulness sweep in to take the darkness away.

After Mother laid her lash against Bobby’s bared back, she celebrated with more glory than I was accustomed to seeing. She was very happy.

My happiness, on the other hand, was fleeting. I was relieved to be cleansed, of course—I always was. But within half an hour of my baptism, the sickening sadness that had swallowed me the day before returned. And to make matters worse, my anger was back.

By nightfall, I could hardly contain my emotions. I wasn’t used to having such a terrible struggle and that fact alone confused me, which added fear to a mix of terrible feelings that refused to be calmed.

Still, I managed to keep it all inside.

Until Monday afternoon, that is. On Monday afternoon it all fell apart.

It started early Monday morning, while I was sleeping. I often had dreams of being Alice, trapped in a hospital with mentally disturbed patients, and in those dreams I’m quite lucid, aware of how insane everyone but me is. It’s a safe place for me, because I can play along as a patient without fearing the consequence because I know that I’m only in a dream. I even help other patients to see things differently.

But the dream I’d had of the Outlaw named Stephen was different, if only because I’d completely lost any sense that I was in a dream. Every detail had been fully fleshed out without any break in sequence. And when I awoke, I could remember every detail, as if it had really happened.

Just before waking early Monday morning I had another dream, just as real.

This time I was in a boat out on the lake and there was a storm brewing. The wind was blowing and foamy waves beat against the boat and I was terrified.

I’m going to die, I thought. I’m going to drown!

Then I heard the distant call and I turned to see a man on the shore. It was Stephen. He was smiling and beckoning me with an outstretched hand. My first thought was, He’s back!

Then I remembered where I was.

“Come to me, Eden!” he called, voice distant. “Step out of the boat and walk to me.”

I looked at the wood hull under my feet and then at the water, surging and slapping against the boat. Then at him, dressed in a black coat, long hair whipped by the wind.

“Step out of the boat, Eden. Walk to me. Be a water walker. It’s okay, I promise. Step out of the boat and walk to me.”

I was scared, but I knew that if I didn’t do what he said, the boat would capsize and I would drown. So I slung my feet over the edge of the rocking boat, held my breath to fight back my fear, and, closing my eyes, stepped out onto the water.

But I didn’t walk.

I plunged under the surface.

Flailing hopelessly, I dropped straight down, deep into murky black water that filled my nostrils and ears, cold as ice. It was like a baptism, only this time the water was a bottomless pit and this time I was going to drown, really drown.

I started to scream and jerked up in bed, soaked in sweat, panting.

I was alive. It had only been another dream. Thank God. I was safe. But the moment I thought that, a new awareness struck me, as cold as the water I’d dreamed about.

I was still in the lake, wasn’t I? I was still drowning in the water.

Not real water in the lake, but here, in the house. My whole life was that troubled sea and I was drowning in it. I didn’t understand why or how, really, but I was. That’s what the dream meant.

And with that awareness, a simple question dropped into my mind, as if it had come from heaven itself. What if I’m being used? Just that, but for me, asking such a question bordered on blasphemy. I hadn’t dared even think it before.

While I had dealt with raging emotions all week and embarked on a never-ending struggle to seek forgiveness for my anger, for the first time my mind dared ask that simple, logical question.

What if I’m being used? Or even worse, abused.

I mean, what if all of this had been an elaborate plan to get to the money all along? Not Mother’s plan, no—I couldn’t see that. But isn’t that essentially what Zeke had said? His words reached to me from the field.

Without me, you would be nothing, he’d said. I gave you your life back and provided a way for you to bless us all in a very significant way.

As if he’d orchestrated my coming here so that I could give them all a significant blessing. Meaning the money.

It hit me square between the eyes, and once in my mind, I couldn’t get it out. I didn’t want to get it out. It was as if someone had turned a light bulb on in my head.

What if all of this—the baptisms, the teaching, the rituals, the prayers, the confinement, the rules—all of it was only to get me to be his obedient little girl so that when I turned eighteen, I would readily just hand over all the money to my mother who would just hand it over to Zeke?

What if it was all a sham? Not my belief in God, or that Kathryn was my real mother, but all this other business. And on the heels of that question, a whole slew that battered my mind and pushed my anger even deeper until my body began to display signs of it regardless of any attempt on my part to keep it calm.

I got out of bed and went through my normal morning cleaning rituals. I did my chores and said all the right things. But I couldn’t stop sweating. Noticing, Kathryn asked me to wash my face three different times to keep it clean. Even worse, I couldn’t keep my fingers from trembling when the thoughts overtook me, and twice I didn’t hear questions put to me by Mother.

It all came to a head during lunch, when I inadvertently knocked over my water glass.

“Eden!”

I began to dab up the water with my napkin. “Sorry.”

“What has gotten into you?”

“It’s just water, sugar,” Wyatt said, rising to help me clean up the spill.

“Sit down, Wyatt. It’s her spill, not yours. She’s been acting strange all day.”

Wyatt hesitated, then retreated to his seat, knowing better than to defend me in front of the whole family, though I think he did so in private on occasion.

“It’s just water, Mama,” Bobby said.

“Shut up, Bobby.”

We ate the rest of the meal in silence and Wyatt headed for the door as soon as Kathryn excused him.

“Bobby, go with your father.”

“We’re going to the still?” he asked.

Wyatt flashed Bobby a smile. “Wanna help me change a tire, boy?”

Bobby hopped off his chair and marched for the door as if to defend the fort against invading marauders.

“I can change the tire!”

“Of course you can.”

Wyatt gave me a glance of understanding and followed Bobby, who was already outside, raring to go.

Mother turned to me the moment the door closed, hands on her hips.

“What’s wrong with you today? It’s like you’re not even here!”

“Sorry, Mother. I just . . .”

You see, already I was feeling guilty. And then angry that I was feeling guilty.

“You just what? Stand up. Have you lost your mind?”

I stood and stared at her, feeling my face flush red.

“That’s right. You should feel ashamed.”

But it was anger, not shame, that heated my face.

“Well? Are you just going to stand there?” she demanded, expecting me to apologize.

I almost didn’t. But my habits had grown too deep, like roots that had worked their way into every cell in my body.

“I’m sorry.”

She eyed me suspiciously for a spell.

“You’ve been weak all day, haven’t you? In fact, you’ve been off since last night. I could see it when you went to bed. We accepted our blessing in baptism yesterday and you went to bed ungrateful and in a foul mood, didn’t you?”

I’ve been in a foul mood all week, I wanted to say. But I didn’t.

“You answer your mother when she asks you a question, Eden Lowenstein.”

So I did.

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t bother to confess?” Her face grew red. “What has gotten into you?”

“I don’t know.” It was a lie, but I was past feeling guilty for such small sins. My true demons were far more frightening and were tearing me apart.

“Well you had better start knowing!” Mother glared at me and for a second I thought she was going to blow up, something she rarely did.

“I’ve given you too many liberties, haven’t I?” she said. “All this business of you turning eighteen and I’ve let my guard down.”

“No.”

“No? I think yes. I think your head’s getting the better of you.”

I could see the wheels spinning behind her eyes. She was suddenly worried that I was going to ruin things for all of them, wasn’t she? For her and Zeke. All they wanted was my money.

“You’re hiding something from me, I can see it in your eyes.”

“I . . .” But I couldn’t form a response. Anything I said would be a lie, and I suddenly couldn’t bring myself to keep up the charade.

“You what? Speak up!” Mother snapped.

“I don’t know.”

“Well that’s a problem, isn’t it?”

“I guess.”

“You guess? You guess? You can’t do this to us, Eden! Not now. Not after all we’ve been through.” She began to pace in front of me, and concern replaced her anger. Genuine worry, I thought. She was as much a victim as me, but realizing this didn’t calm me.

“What do you think Zeke would say to this?” she demanded, turning on me.

It was the way she pulled him in to the conversation that pushed me over the edge of the cliff I’d been desperately balancing on.

“Zeke?” I asked.

Your voice is too loud, Eden.

“Zeke?”

You’re falling.

“Since when is Zeke more important to you than your own daughter?”

You’re shouting, Eden.

My face was hot and my breathing was coming quick but I was past making any attempt to stuff my emotions. It was suddenly all boiling over and I didn’t have the strength to stop it.

“Eden!”

“I’m not a straw doll, you know?” I snapped. “You can’t just use me to get what you want!”

Mother’s jaw fell open and she gasped. I had never raised my voice to her, and now that I had taken the plunge, I just kept going.

“Do you know what he did to Paul? Zeke beat him up. Smashed his face with his fist and cut him up! He brought Paul to the field and showed me, then threatened to hurt Bobby if I ever crossed him.”

You would think I had slapped Mother and sent her staggering back. Her face went from red to white, gripped by fear and shock.

“You went to the field without me knowing? How dare you!?”

“Of course I went to the field, no one said I couldn’t. And now I’m confessing that I let Paul kiss me on the cheek. There. Now you know, Mother. I went to the field and let Paul give me a kiss. Is that so bad? Of course it is! Do you know why? Because I have to do exactly what Zeke wants me to, regardless of how absurd the rules you two come up with are.”

“How dare you!”

“You have to keep me perfectly obedient, don’t you? It’s the only way Zeke can get his hands on the money! All he’s ever wanted is my money, can’t you see that?”

Kathryn was trembling.

“Blasphemy!”

“Of course it is. Anything I do that doesn’t make your life better’s blasphemy. You don’t love me. You’re only using me to take care of your own guilt and get your hands on my money.”

Kathryn gawked, speechless.

“Well, that’s too bad,” I said. “Because you’re not going to get my money and neither is Zeke. I’m going to undo what I did. I have thirty days to do that, and I’m going to tell them I’ve changed my mind.” I took a breath. “I’m not going to let Zeke use me like this. It’s not right! I don’t like that man!”

“Eden Lowenstein!” Mother shoved her hands against her ears, as if to protect them from my words. “You stop this right now! Stop it! The devil has gotten inside of you!” She shoved her finger at the hallway. “You go to your room right now and cleanse your mind of all this garbage!”

I hadn’t planned on saying any of what I’d said. Or undoing the power of attorney I’d signed. The words had all just come out. But having said them, I felt a surge of courage and I realized that it was exactly what I was going to do. I didn’t know how or when, but I could do it and I would.

That monster who’d beaten his son up wasn’t going to get his hands on that money. Neither was my mother, for that matter.

For the first time, I wondered if my mother wasn’t a monster too.

But I had the sense to know that saying any more wouldn’t help my cause. I wasn’t even sure what the full extent of my cause was.

So I took a deep breath, set my jaw, and forced myself to calm down.

“Fine,” I said. “I’ll do that.”

And I turned on my heel and walked to my bedroom.

19

KATHRYN STOOD silent in the kitchen, holding her head with trembling hands, unable to hold back the anger that washed through her like an ocean that threatened to drown her where she stood.

No, it wasn’t just anger. There was fear too, raw fear that was pitch black and ran bone deep.

How could Eden be so foolish? Not only had she rebelled, but Zeke knew. He’d smashed Paul’s face to show her the wages of her sin—a warning. And yet her response was sin heaped upon more sin, rather than humility and repentance.

The little fool had no idea what she’d set in motion, or what Zeke was capable of. Her pride was inviting disaster upon all of them, not just herself.

Stupid girl. Too blind to see that . . .

Kathryn stopped. Another thought came, fully formed, and she shuddered. If Zeke knew of Eden’s rebellion, he also knew of her failure as a mother.

You have to set this right, Kathryn. You have to set this right before Zeke does.

Mind spinning, she walked to the front door and pushed through it. The screen door banged shut as she descended the porch steps and angled across the yard. She had to think, had to find a way to fix this. Fix Eden and return her to the path of righteousness so that everything could go back to the way it was.

Eden was deceived. She’d been deceived by her own sinful nature and that nature was bent on devouring the good she’d cultivated in Eden all these years and replacing it with poison thistles and stones.

And poison they were. With each passing moment Eden’s venomous words bit deeper.

I’m not a straw doll, you know.

That’s where Eden was wrong. She was a straw doll. And she was a fool if she believed anyone was controlling her. No, Eden’s corrupted flesh wore her like a glove, manipulating her every thought and desire. Her rebellion was blinding her to that fact, wasn’t it?

“Wyatt!” Kathryn yelled. She glanced at the truck parked beside the house. Its front tire still sagged, unchanged. Where was that man?

His distant reply called from her right. “Here!” Down near the lake with Bobby.

Jaw clenched, she hurried toward the lake where the two of them stood with fishing poles in hand.

Wyatt watched Kathryn as she approached and reeled in his line, smile fading as she stopped next to them.

“Go to the house, Bobby,” she said.

Bobby’s eyes flicked between them. “Am I in trouble?”

“Now,” she said. “I won’t ask twice.”

After a moment’s pause, Wyatt quietly took hold of Bobby’s fishing pole. “Do as your mother says. I’ll take care of that rod, all right?”

“All right,” he said quietly. He took a few steps then turned around. “Is Eden in trouble for spilling her drink?”

“Now, Bobby!” She jabbed a finger toward the house. “Go! And don’t talk to your sister, you understand me?”

“I won’t talk to her.” Bobby shook his head and then hobbled up the path in a hurry.

Kathryn paced by the water’s edge, her thoughts clawing one over the other like a desperate mob. Wyatt stood there and watched her with nervous eyes.

He finally spoke. “If this is about the tire . . .”

“Shut up, Wyatt! I don’t give a damn about your truck right now.”

“I’m sorry, sugar.”

“Well you’d better be. We’ve got a problem.”

She told him what had happened with Eden, how she’d betrayed her by going to the field, how she’d given in to her lust for Paul and how Eden had betrayed not only her, but Zeke too. He listened without comment and a dark look of worry crept over his face.

“What’s gotten into that child?” Kathryn said. “She’s rushing down the road to hell, all the while dragging us close behind her. I’ve done everything for her. Everything! She has no idea what grief I’ve suffered for her sake. I’ve asked for nothing. Nothing! What do I get in return? Rebellion and contempt.”

After a thick silence, Wyatt spoke. “Maybe we’re being too hard on her.”

Kathryn’s eyes narrowed. “Excuse me? Too hard?”

“I just—”

“What’s wrong with you, Wyatt? If anything I’ve lightened up too much! Despite rearing her to stay on the narrow way, she’s chosen the lusts of the flesh. That’s why she went behind my back. She knew better than to sneak around, and she still disobeyed me. Who knows how long this has been stewing in her.”

Kathryn continued her tirade, steaming. “She’s been deceived into believing a lie about herself. She’s forgotten who she is. I’m losing her! I have to stop her before she does something even more foolish.”

She cast him an angry glare, knowing it wasn’t his fault but at the moment she wasn’t in the mood to quibble about details. It was both of their fault. All of their fault. The whole world seemed to be coming down around her.

“What if she actually tries to do it, Wyatt?”

“She won’t, su—”

“What if she tries to get into town? Says the wrong thing? There’s no telling what Zeke will do. You know as well as I do that if the wrong people find out how we got her, Zeke could go to prison. He won’t allow that to happen. You know what he’s capable of doing.”

His silence confirmed the truth of her words.

“I have to deal with this,” Kathryn said, pacing again. “I let her go down this path, and now I have to bring her back.”

The proper course of action hit her then, like a whisper from heaven, and she stopped, staring out at the lake. A calm edged into her mind, like the still waters before her. That was it, wasn’t it? You put new wine into a rotten vessel and it only rots the new wine.

Eden’s vessel had been corrupted.

“A rebellious spirit is spoiling Eden.” She spoke with biting certainty now. “It’s like a poisonous weed working its way into her heart and there’s only one way to deal with a weed. You have to rip it out by the roots and burn it. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to save my little girl before it’s too late.”

Kathryn turned on her heel and headed toward the house. Wyatt made no attempt to follow her, and neither should he. She was the one who’d birthed her. She was the one who would now offer her rebirth.

She climbed the porch stairs, entered the house, and marched into the kitchen. She found the scissors in the drawer by the sink, crossed the living room, and turned down the narrow hall that ended at Eden’s room.

Without pausing to knock, she twisted the knob and pushed the door open.

Eden sat motionless in a chair across the room. She stared straight ahead, her face as expressionless as stone. Still, Kathryn could feel that poisonous spirit lurking behind those eyes, quietly mocking her.

Kathryn walked into the room and stopped at the foot of the bed. Eden slowly turned and looked at her, face still stone. She held her daughter’s stare and straightened, chin up.

“You’ve violated my trust, Eden,” she said. “Not only have you sinned against me and Zeke, you’ve rebelled against God. And like a Jezebel, you lured Paul into sin. And I’ve come to realize why.”

Eden showed no emotion.

“I remember what it was like to be eighteen, to be tempted by the ways of the world and all it has to offer. I know how it feels to get swept off your feet by the promise of love. But it’s an empty promise. You cannot serve the flesh and the spirit at the same time. They’re at war with one another and you will be lost if you choose the flesh. I won’t let that happen.”

She took a step toward Eden. “Stand up, sweetheart.”

Eden’s looked at the scissors in Kathryn’s hand.

“I said stand up. You will listen to your mother. I won’t have any more of your foolishness.”

For a moment Eden did nothing, then she slowly rose to her feet.

Kathryn smiled and ran her thumb across Eden’s cheek. “The light is shining in you. We simply have to get everything else out of the way so it can burn bright.”

She took Eden’s hand and led her to the bedside. “If your left hand causes you to stray, you must cut it off. If your right eye makes you sin, you must gouge it out. It’s better to enter life maimed than to be thrown into hellfire with both hands or eyes.”

She released Eden. “Kneel.”

Eden eased to her knees and planted both elbows on the mattress.

Kathryn kneeled behind her and removed the rubber band holding Eden’s ponytail in place. Her hair cascaded over her shoulders, beautiful and smooth, and Kathryn gently combed the tangles out with her fingers.

“To destroy the works of the flesh, we must separate you from them.” She brought the scissors to Eden’s hair just behind her right ear. “You must come out from among the world of sin and death.”

With a metallic snip, the razor-sharp blades sliced through her hair. It fell onto the back of Eden’s legs.

“Until you repent and change your behavior, no food will touch your lips. You will have only water and the bread of God’s discipline.”

A second cut. The hair drifted to the floor.

“You will not be allowed to bathe or wash as a reminder that the stench of sin clings to you as long as you are rebellious.”

Snip.

“You will not have the comfort of your mother, neither my tender words, nor my gentle guidance.”

Snip.

“You will be outcast. No one will speak to you and neither will you speak to anyone.”

Snip.

“You are confined to your closet for the next seven days, from the time the sun rises until it sets. You will not leave your room for the next twenty-one days.”

Snip.

“You will not lay eyes on or speak to any boy for a year.”

The scissors made the final cut and the last, thick strands of hair fell loose to the ground and scattered.

“So be it.”

Kathryn leaned close until her lips were next to Eden’s ear. “Your beauty is taken from you, Eden. You have whored yourself out to sin and you will be a vile thing in my sight until you repent. You will not be my angel because you cannot be. You will be my demon, a twisted thorn in my flesh sent to torment me until the day you turn from your sin.”

Kathryn set the scissors on the bed and rose to her feet. “Rise,” she said.

Eden pushed to her feet.

“Turn around so I can see you.”

Eden turned slowly and met Kathryn’s gaze. Tears pooled in Eden’s eyes. Seeing her daughter like this, stripped of her innocence and beauty, Kathryn’s own heart cracked. However hard this was, it was the only way.

“This is what a fall from grace feels like,” Kathryn said. “This is the price of your sin. Ask yourself if it was worth it. Do not be deceived, God cannot be mocked and neither can I. You’re only reaping what you’ve sown, Eden. You brought this on yourself. You did this, no one else.”

Kathryn took a step back. “From this moment forward, you will be cut off from life until you repent. When you’re ready, you let me know. And so you know, the phone is no longer functional. There will be no contact to or from the house by anyone until you’ve come to your repentance.”

Eden wasn’t permitted to use the phone, even when it was working, but Zeke had been very clear: any sign that Eden could not be trusted and the phone had to be cut.

Kathryn walked toward the dresser that sat against the wall and gathered Eden’s collection of straw dolls.

“My dolls?” Eden said.

“Not anymore. It’s time to set aside childish ways. You want to be an adult and so I’m helping you become one. We have to sever all of your old ties to this world so you can be free.”

“What are you going to do with them?”

“The same thing we’re going to do with your hair. Burn them,” Kathryn said. “Now gather up those clippings and place them by the door. I’ll be back to get them in an hour.”