Текст книги "Dirty Red"

Автор книги: Tarryn Fisher

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

Chapter

Thirty-One

Present

I rock back and forth after I get off the phone with Caleb. What is wrong with me? How did I worship the ground my father walked on after all those years of neglect? It was pathetic. I hate myself for it, and yet I know I’d do it all over again. And this baby – she is my only blood family and I do everything to stay away from her. She hasn’t done anything wrong. What type of person am I to isolate my own child?

How can chocolate covered raisins bring such clarity? It isn’t the chocolate covered raisins. I know that. It’s what Sam said to me, the part about me giving my loyalty to all the wrong people. The only person who really deserves it is the little girl I grew in my body. And yet, I can’t assemble the right feelings for her. I open my computer and search postpartum depression. I read through the symptoms, nodding. Yes, that has to be it. There's no way I am this bad of a person. I need to get on medication. There is something very wrong with me.

In the morning, Caleb brings my baby back. I clutch her to my chest and smell her head. He has her shock of red hair tied up in a little pink bow. I eye her gingham dress and give him a dirty look.

“Why are you dressing her like she’s Mary Poppins?” I say sourly. He deposits her diaper bag and car seat next to the door and starts to leave.

“Caleb!” I call after him. “Stay. Have some lunch with us.”

“I have somewhere to be, Leah.” He sees the disappointment on my face and says in a much gentler voice, “Maybe another day, yeah?”

I feel like someone has reached out and slapped me across the face. Not with his rejection of my lunch offer, but with that very simple “Yeah?” dripping off the end of his sentence. That yeah, is an acidic memory, burning painfully across my hippocampus. I think of Courtney and her summer in Europe. The way she came back, speaking as if she were born a Brit.

Wanna go to the mall tomorrow, yeah?

You have that shirt you borrowed from me, yeah?

You’re the worst sister in the world, yeah?

I am the worst sister in the world. Courtney, who always stuck up for me, always reminded my parents that I was alive … where is my loyalty to Courtney? I haven’t been to visit her once since…

I kick the door shut with my foot and carry Estella to her nursery. I take off the Mary Poppins dress. She gurgles and kicks her legs like she’s glad to be free of it. “Yeah,” I coo. “Let Daddy dress you in middle school and you might not have any friends.”

She smiles.

I start screaming Sam’s name. I hear his heavy footsteps as he charges up the stairs. “Wha—?” he says breathless. “Is she breathing?”

“She smiled!” I clap my hands.

He peers over my shoulder. “She’s been doing that.”

“Not at me,” I argue.

He looks at me as if I’ve grown another head. “Wow,” he says. “Wow. You grew a heart, and all it took was seven boxes of chocolate covered raisins.”

I flush. “How do you know about that?”

“Well, I took out the trash this morning, for one thing. And I’ve been finding them all over the floor.”

I’m quiet for a long time as I dress Estella in something more fashionable. It’s like dressing an octopus, all the limbs moving at the same time. I contemplate telling Sam that it was his words that shook me up a little, but decide not to. I tell him about Courtney instead. “Sam, I have a sister.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Great. So do I...”

“I’m having a serious moment here, Sam!” He motions for me to carry on.

I brush Estella’s hair. “I haven’t seen her in a very long time. She’s never even met Estella. Do you think that might have something to do with my…postpartum?” I test the word out, glancing at him sideways to see his reaction.

“I’m not a doctor.”

“Yet,” I say.

“Yet,” he smiles. “But, anything is possible. You are a pretty vile human being.”

I ignore him and brush Estella’s hair.

“So, take Estella and go see her,” he says, finally.

“Yeah,” I say. “Will you come with me?”

“I don’t see why – “

“Okay, great. Get your things. Also, I need you to make an OB/GYN appointment for me. I need drugs.”

“I’m not your secretary. We’ve had this discussion before.”

“See if you can get something for Tuesday.”

I walk out of the room.

“Leah,” he calls after me. “Your baby…”

“Oh, yeah.” I head back for Estella and pick her up.

She looks so cute. “We’re going to see your auntie,” I say.

We don’t go see Courtney. Cash calls. Normally, I don’t take her calls. Or her e-mails …  or her Facebook messages. But since I am reforming my life, I pick up when her name flashes across my screen.

“What do you want, Cash?”

“Oh, you picked up!”

“Would you rather I not have?”

There is a pause. I assume she’s gathering all of her words together. God knows she’s been saving them up for two years.

“Leah, I’m so sorry,” she says. I hear her sniff and wonder if she’s crying.

“That’s a given,” I snap. “You are a liar.”

“I was just doing what he asked,” she says.

“Courtney is my sister,” I say firmly. “And I will do everything I can to protect her.”

“That’s what I wanted to speak to you about.”

I wrap my free arm around my waist. I suddenly feel very vulnerable. Why did this woman think she could talk to me about my sister?

“I’ve tried to see her. They won’t – “

“Stay away from Courtney,” I say. “She doesn’t want to see you.”

I hear Cash sob and feel a pang of pity. Maybe, I’m being too harsh. I wonder what Courtney would say to her.

“I need to tell her I’m sorry. I need – “

I cut her off. “I have to go. Don’t call me again, Cash. I’m serious.”

I hang up and immediately go to the closet and pull out Courtney’s umbrella picture. I hold it against my chest, gnawing on my bottom lip. How could I stay away from her as long as I had? What was wrong with me? We used to be so close.

I start to laugh, covering my mouth at first, trying to stifle the hyena-like noises. I can’t control it. The laughter rolls out of me, climbing in volume. It’s the easiest thing I’ve done all day. When Sam comes to stand in the doorway of my closet, I abruptly stop.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

I straighten up, stashing the painting away before he can see it.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Past

He left me after the trial. Not right after. We had three months of silence during which I learned what it was to be married and utterly alone. Caleb went back to work right away, leaving me at home alone for most of the day. I roamed the house and watched daytime television, feeling depressed. I had expected things to go back to normal after the trial was over, never considering that I would be out of a job and my high profile case would tarnish my name, despite my non-guilty verdict. My father’s company was dismantled. What was left of it was used to pay settlements to the families of the deceased and my attorney’s fees. Caleb’s moods were remote. He wouldn’t look at me anymore. It was the stress of the trial, I decided. I suggested we take a vacation together. He said he had already taken too much time off of work for the trial. I suggested marriage counseling. He suggested time apart.

One name kept ringing in my head over and over: Olivia. Louder and louder and louder.

She had driven a wedge between us. Again. She was like a disease that came along every few years, contaminating everyone in her path.

Caleb lost a lot of weight the first month. I thought he was sick. I made him go to the doctor, but his blood work came back normal. There was nothing wrong with him. But, there was something very wrong. He hardly smiled, hardly spoke. When he was home, he spent hours alone in his office with the door closed. When I asked him about it, he blew me off.

“I can’t always be perfect, Leah. Sometimes, I get to have bad days too.”

What did that mean? Had he always had bad days and just never told me? I tried to think about the last time I remembered Caleb having a bad day, and I couldn’t. He was always smiling, teasing, encouraging. Did that mean he never had bad days? Or that he hid them from me? I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think.

“Why aren’t you eating?” I asked.

“I don’t have an appetite.”

“You’re under a lot of pressure. Let’s go away for a few days.”

“I can’t,” he said, without looking at me. “Maybe next month.”

I asked again the following month. He said no. He was having more than a few “bad days”.

Finally, I’d had enough. I had lunch with his mother. If anyone would know how to handle Caleb, it would be Luca.

Or maybe Olivia…

No, I wasn’t going to give her that. She had some sort of power over him, yes, but he’d been mine for five years. I knew him. Me!

Luca arrived to our lunch ten minutes late. I was on my second glass of wine when she gracefully lowered herself into the seat across from me. It was rare that we both had free time to get together. After we ordered and got through ten minutes of small talk, she looked me right in the eyes, like she knew something was up.

“So, what’s wrong? Tell me…”

I avoided her sharp, blue eyes and concentrated on my chewed down fingernails.

“It’s Caleb,” I said. “Ever since the trial, he’s been … different.”

She took a sip of her drink. “Different how?”

I caught the edge in her voice. I had to be careful what I said about him. I needed her insight without her jumping all over for me for criticizing her son.

“Distant. It’s like he doesn’t want to be around me anymore.”

She tapped her fingernails on the table and studied me.

“Have you spoken to your mother about this?”

I shook my head. “Our relationship is strained. Plus, she gives terrible advice.”

Luca nodded. She’d never really cared for my mother. Caleb told me once that she thought my mother was cold and unapproachable.

“Do you know anything, Luca? Has he said anything to you?”

She reached out and patted my hand. “No, honey, he hasn’t. But, he was like this once before, do you remember?”

I did remember. It was during his amnesia.

I nodded, slowly, not sure what she was suggesting.

“You brought him back,” She said. “Can you do it again?”

Her eyes were just like Caleb’s when she zoned in on you: intense, searing.

I wanted to snort. She was giving me way too much credit. The last time I had to drive Olivia out of town to bring him back. But, no one knew that except Olivia and me. What would it take this time?

“I don’t know how. I’ve tried everything.”

“What does my son value more than anything?”

I leaned back as the server arrived with our salads. I waited for him to leave before answering her.

“Family,” I said picking up my fork.

“Yes,” Luca agreed. “So give him one.”

I balked. Was she really saying what I thought she was saying?

“Children? You think Caleb wants to have a baby?” We hadn’t spoken about children since before we were married. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility. I wasn’t sure I even wanted them. Caleb was enough for me. Caleb wanted them. He always had.

“Children have a way of bringing people together,” she smiled. “Especially, when they’ve fallen apart.”

We ate in silence for a few minutes before she spoke again. “You shouldn’t have let him hire that woman.”

I choked on my food. “Olivia?” I asked.

Luca nodded. “Yes, Olivia. She’s trouble. Always has been. Keep the past in the past, Leah. Do what you have to do. I fully support you.”

For the first time, I wondered how much Luca knew about Caleb’s months of amnesia. Did she know something about the time he spent with Olivia? Had he told her?

I went home ready to talk to Caleb about the possibility of starting a family. Before the words were out of my mouth, he told me he was moving back to his condo.

“You’re leaving me?” I said, in disbelief. “We were happy … before the trial. We stopped working on things, Caleb. We can get counseling.”

“You were happy. I’m not sure what I was.”

“So you were lying to me?”

“You never asked, Leah. You close your eyes to what you don’t want to see.”

“Is this about the Prenavene? Those people who died?”

He flinched. “It’s really hard for me wrap my head around the decisions you made.”

“Did it make you look at me differently?”

He laughed coldly. “I knew when I married you, that there were issues.” He sighed and looked almost sad. “It made me look at myself differently.”

I didn’t understand. My father manipulated me. Surely, he realized that. What exactly did he mean by “issues”?

Twenty-four hours later, Caleb was gone.

Depression doesn’t even begin to describe what I went through. I’d lost my father, my career and my husband all in the span of a year. I curled up in a ball and wept for days … weeks. No one came. I tried to call my sister, but she hardly picked up her phone anymore. Katine was seeing some new guy and couldn’t be bothered. My mother moved to our summer house in Michigan as soon as the verdict was read.

I called Seth. I shouldn’t have.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Present

I agonize over Cash’s phone call. I eat more chocolate covered raisins. I watch more Nancy Grace. I search the internet for pictures of cats with funny captions underneath. No one knows I like those; it’s a secret. Sam catches me.

“Are you kidding?”

I close my laptop. “You can’t tell.”

“Who am I going to tell? Your book club?”

“I have friends,” I insist. “And none of them read.” I’m pretty strung out on sugar, so I giggle. Sam raises his eyebrow. “And you’re proud of this?”

I turn away, hugging my knees to my chest. The Manny turns everything fun into a criticism. “No, Sam,” I sigh. And then as an afterthought, I add, “I used to read a lot … in high school.”

“Cosmo?”

He’s folding laundry – he’s always folding laundry. “Don’t you ever get tired of doing that?”

“Yup. But, it’s my job.”

Oh yeah.

“I read novels. But, then I got too busy.”

I ease a few more candies between my lips and stare at the muted TV screen. I got too busy fucking boys-I wanted to say.

“Sam?”

“Hmmm?”

“What was in that box Olivia opened on her birthday?”

He shakes out a blanket and folds it expertly into a small square. “Why do you care?”

“What if it was from Caleb?” I say softly.

He won’t look at me. “Cammie says it was,” he says. “But, I don’t know what it was, so don’t ask.”

I eat a lot more chocolate covered raisins. I pretend to bite my tongue and yell Ouch! to cover for the tears that spring to my eyes.

“Leah,” he says, “it’s okay if it hurts you. You should tell him that it does. Also, if you’re considering a career in acting – don’t.”

“Why would he buy her a birthday present?”

When Sam doesn’t answer, I start thinking about Cash again. It’s an endlessly unhealthy reel of thoughts: Cash … Caleb … Olivia … Cash … Caleb … Olivia.

The last time I had spoken to Cash was right after my trial. After seeing her on the Prosecution’s witness list, Olivia did some impressive detective work and discovered that Cash was actually Charles Smith’s bastard. Olivia had taken no pleasure in telling me, much to my surprise. She'd even said that she was sorry. I'd reeled for a day, fitting all the pieces together in my mind until they made perfect sense. I had not told my mother what I knew. I waited until Olivia exposed Cash’s paternity while cross-examining her, completely discrediting her testimony. I'd looked at my mother's face when my attorney dropped the ball. It had registered nothing. She knew, I thought. She knew and she stayed with him. The Prosecution was mortified. Olivia won another round. Courtney began sobbing hysterically in the courtroom. I glared at Cash from where I sat, my blood boiling for all of the wrong reasons. She had knowingly betrayed me. For him. I should have been mad at him, but all of my anger was directed at her tacky, blonde hair and pink lipstick.

After the debacle in the courtroom, she called my cell phone, pleading with me to meet with her. But, she had allowed my father to use her to destroy my life. When I wouldn’t respond to her begging, she mailed me a handwritten ten-page letter, detailing her life from the moment she was born to the day my father asked her to come work for him. I ate an entire bag of frozen peas and smoked three cigarettes while reading that damn letter.

Her mother had been my father’s secretary in 1981, and according to Cash, she was conceived on his desk. When my father couldn’t convince her mother to have an abortion, he reluctantly agreed to pay her a monthly dividend to make her and her unborn child go away. But, despite his initial feelings, he’d made yearly visits to see Cash and had even paid her way through college. He told her about Courtney and me when she was little. She had grown up knowing her daddy had two other little girls, and when he was gone from her, he was with them. Cash had admitted that she developed a fascination with us early on. She used to daydream about what it would be like to have sisters. My father had even shown her pictures of us, which she kept taped to her wall. I was more surprised by the fact that my father carried pictures of us, than anything else. Since when had Charles Smith developed an affinity for fatherhood? After I read the last word, I burned the letter. I couldn’t let Courtney see it. She wasn’t dealing with things well as it was. Courtney was too much like my mother. She had an addictive personality, and she emotionally collapsed under stress.

“Leah … Leah?”

I jerk back to Sam, who is still folding the damn laundry.

“What?” I hiss. I wish he’d do that in another room and stop stressing me out.

“Your phone is ringing,” he says.

I look down at my cell and see Caleb’s name flashing across the screen. I grab it so quickly; I drop the phone. Snatching it off the floor, I answer with a breathless “Hello?”

“Hi,” he says. “I’m calling to check on Estella.”

“She’s taking a nap. She smiled at me!”

There is a ten second pause before he says: “She looks like you when she smiles.”

I instantly feel warm all over. I want to know if that makes him like me more.

“I miss her,” he sighs.

“Well, you can come over if you like. But, you’re not taking her again until the weekend.”

“I understand. She has a doctor’s appointment next week. I was hoping to take her to that. I want to be there when she gets her shots.”

I sigh. “Fine, you can take her.” I think better of it. “But, I want to be there too.”

His turn to sigh.

“I’m thinking about taking her to see Courtney.”

Caleb clears his throat. “You should. Are you all right to go by yourself?”

“I’m taking Sam,” I rush. “It’s just … time.”

“Are you still angry with her?” he asks.

“No,” I say, but oddly enough, I am nodding my head.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Past

Seth was Caleb’s older brother by four years and two days. They were nothing alike. Cain and Abel, if you will. I was shocked the first time I met the dark haired, dark eyed police detective.

“You’re Caleb’s brother?” I blurted. He had barely smiled at my surprise.

“Yup, last time I checked.” He held on to my hand for a little too long, his eyes boring into me. “I guess we don’t really look alike, huh?”

I shook my head. Seth shared none of Caleb’s features. He was the anti-Caleb with his small button nose, thin lips and eyes so dark they looked almost black.

Weird, I remember thinking. He was a recluse. During family gatherings, you’d find Caleb in the middle of the action, surrounded by people who were all hanging onto his every word. You’d be lucky to find Seth at all. He didn’t show up to most of the barbeques and dinners, and if he did, he lurked in the garden or went for a walk by himself. If caught alone, he was surprisingly engaging and darkly intelligent. He reminded me of Holden Caulfield. I read the book in high school and remember Holden giving me chills. Sometimes, Seth would look at me in a completely unguarded way, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips, and I would get chills.

Once, before Caleb and I were married, we were at his mother’s house when Seth turned to me out of the blue and said, “You remind me of a cheap reality show, Leah. You’re shallow, and you pretend to be stupid for God only knows what reason.”

I’d stared at him in complete mortification, hoping no one else had heard. I darted my head around the room. Caleb was preoccupied with a game on television and his mother was in the kitchen finishing up dinner.

“What the hell, Seth?”

He’d shrugged. “I know you’re not really as stupid as you put out. Shallow, maybe. You have the type of eyes that have claws in them.”

I’d stared at him for a long time, wondering if that was how everyone else saw me. Wondering if that was how Caleb saw me.

“It’s sexy,” he said. “I don’t think my brother appreciates it.”

I’d flushed and looked away. That was the most he’d ever said to me up until that point. I wasn’t sure if he was hitting on me or insulting me. It occurred to me that it might be both. I’d never seen him with a woman. I figured he was one of those asexual men and more concerned with his career than finding someone to warm his bed.

“Why don’t you ever date?”

“Who says I don’t?”

“You never bring anyone over … or talk about anyone.”

He snorted. “Have you seen the welcome my mother gives to women we bring home?” He was somewhat right. I’d heard about the reception she gave Olivia from Luca herself. She detested the woman almost as much as I did. But, Olivia was easy to hate, and Luca was really nice once you got to know her.

I dismissed his comment with a wave of my hand. “She is always nice to me.”

He laughed. “That’s because you’re a lot like her. She probably has a healthy fear of a fellow bitch.”

My mouth dropped open. “What is it with people in this family saying exactly what they’re thinking? It’s so rude.”

He leaned over the arm of the sofa and winked conspiratorially at me. “You should try it. Though, it’s quite fascinating to sit back and watch all of your thoughts boil behind your eyes and never make it to your mouth.”

I had no words. Seth saw the look on my face and started to laugh. “Don’t worry, Leah. Your secret’s safe with me. No one needs to know there is a brain underneath all of that pretty hair.”

I glared at him, clutching tightly to the arm of my chair. I was angry … and I was incredibly turned on. Caleb always said just enough to leave you feeling both incredibly charmed and wondering exactly what he was getting at. Seth spewed truth like it was Old Faithful: too much, too fast, too hard. No wonder no one ever spoke to him.

“You’re an asshole, you know that.”

He shrugged, turned back to the TV. “I’ve been told. But, at least I see you. My brother only sees your hair.”

I got up, but his next words pulled me back down.

“I’ve been waiting for you to remember,” he said.

“Remember what?”

He looks at me with such directness, I flinch.

“That you and I have slept together.”

If I had been holding my glass, I would have dropped it. My eyes darted to Caleb. Thankfully, he was tuned out to our conversation.

“What are you talking about?” I hissed.

“Relax,” he said, lightly. “It was a long time ago.”

I searched my memory for his face. Wouldn’t I have instantly recognized him if we’d slept together? Probably not. I’d had a lot of sex with men I barely knew. But, if we had … why would he wait so long to tell me?

“You’re messing with me,” I said.

“Nope.” He shook his head so casually I wondered if we were talking about sex or what he had for lunch.

“You definitely came up to my hotel room. It was the weekend after the fourth of July, six years ago. We met at that little bar in the Keys.”

I almost fainted. Six years ago, I had indeed gone on a trip to the Keys with my sister and a few of my friends. It was a combined birthday/holiday weekend celebration.

“How can you remember that if I don’t?”

“You were pretty wasted from what I can remember.”

Oh God. I did remember meeting a guy in the bar. He danced with me, and then we went across the street to his hotel. Had that really been Seth? What were the fucking odds?

“Don’t – “

“Tell my brother,” he finished. “Yeah, I figured you wouldn’t want him to know. My lips are sealed.” He pretended to lock his lips and throw away the key.

How could this be happening? If Caleb found out…

He wasn’t going to find out. Seth and I both had something to lose. I nodded at him. “Thank you.”

After that day, I tried to keep my interactions with Seth to a minimum. He sought me out whenever we were at the same event. I was partially mortified and partially flattered. He always had a hushed quip ready about my claw eyes or my censored thoughts. Sometimes, he’d call me out when we were in a group and say, “What do you think about that, Leah?” or “I’d like to hear Leah’s take on this.” To which I’d be forced to answer. He always made inappropriate comments when no one else was paying attention. Sometimes, I’d blush so fiercely at the things he said that Caleb would look at me in alarm and ask me what was wrong. Only Seth could make me blush. It made me feel like we had a secret camaraderie.  It made me wonder if he was right, if Caleb really saw me – if anyone did.

During my trial, Seth showed up to almost every hearing. I was pleased by his unexpected support as much as I was confused by it. It was quiet, but it was there … always on the left side of the back row. It made Caleb happy that he came. Their relationship had always been strained. I expected the chasm was forged by Luca’s obvious favoritism of her youngest son.

“He must really like you, Red,” Caleb said, after a grueling day of listening to the Prosecution question their witnesses. “No one can get him to show up to anything, but for you, he’s here.”

“He’s a Sergeant in the Police force, Caleb. I’m sure this sort of thing interests him.”

I really wondered if he was playing his own jury, trying to decide if I was as wicked as he was always insinuating I was. It was exhausting trying to hide yourself from everyone. Watching them, watch you. Wanting to know everyone’s thoughts and deathly afraid that those very thoughts were condemning you. I was so angry with the man I had called my father for my whole life. I constantly found myself wondering what would have happened had he not died. Would he have scrounged up enough decency to protect me from this? Or would he have asked me to take the fall for him? And most importantly: would I have done it?

Seth asked me that very question the day I called him, after Caleb left me. He stopped by after work with a box of French pastries in his hand. He knew I liked them. I took them from him smiling, and he followed me into the kitchen.

“Where’s my brother staying?” he asked.

“His condo.” I opened the box and took out an almond croissant. Seth watched me bite into it before speaking.

“That father of yours was something else.”

My chewing stilled.

“According to that hot little attorney of yours, he completely framed you. Is she right?”

I wasn’t sure whether I was more offended that he’d called Olivia “hot” or that he was questioning my innocence.

I forced myself to swallow what was in my mouth and glared at him. “He didn’t do it on purpose,” I said. “I don’t exactly think he expected to die.”

“So, if he hadn’t had a heart attack and conveniently left you with this mess, you think he’d be taking the fall for this?”

“Yes, I do.”

It was a lie.

“According to Caleb, his signature wasn’t on any of the documents you signed.”

“What’s your point, Seth?” I snapped. “Did you come here to goad me?”

He pursed his lips and shook his head. “No, Leah. I came to see if you were all right. Truly.”

“I’m fine.” I slammed the lid to the pastry box closed and walked toward the fridge. I could feel him behind me before I turned around. The suddenness of my turn caused him to slam into me. He didn’t pull back. He kissed me. Right on the mouth.

“Seth!” I shoved him away. He stumbled back a step. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“You called me,” he said. “I thought…”

“You thought what? That I wanted you to kiss me? I called you because Caleb left me, and I don’t know what to do! You didn’t have to come over here and take advantage of me.”

He kissed me again. Harder this time. I responded a little before I pushed him away.

“Get out,” I said, pointing to the door.

I cried after he left. How long had it been since Caleb kissed me? I tried to remember. Was it before the trial started? I think about all the months of preparation and can’t pull up a single memory of being kissed. How had I missed that? How had Seth’s abrupt kiss made me remember?