Текст книги "The Girl Of Diamonds and Rust"

Автор книги: Susan Ward

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

CHAPTER EIGHT

Neil flattens me against the apartment door, his lower body grinding into me, his mouth punishing against mine. He’s been on fire since we left the club, charged with restless adrenaline, and the urgency of his flesh has me boiling from head to toe. He’s not usually like this…I feel him push his cock deeper into me…and I mold into him, moving my body there as I struggle to match the heated thrust of his tongue and the force of his kisses.

His mouth lifts, and his panting breath, face close to mine, drowns out my own rapid inhales and exhales. He continues to rub his cock into me as he rummages in his pocket for the apartment key.

“You have no idea how much tonight I’ve been thinking about fucking you,” he whispers against my skin. His hand moves up my bare thigh, under my sundress, and his fingers start teasing me through my panties. “I love the fucking sundresses. I makes it so damn easy to fuck you wherever we are.” His tongue flicks along my shoulder blade. “I stared at you all night, thinking I should take you in the bathroom and fuck you there.”

He bites my neck and I arch upward into him. Whatever this is I feel in him, it is a freaking turn-on. Maybe he’s just hot after hours of having tits shoved in his face and women kissing and brushing up against him everywhere. Maybe he’s just hot over me. Jeez, who cares what this is? He is going to be crazy Neil in bed tonight and I am totally into crazy Neil in bed.

I wait breathy and excited as he fumblingly tries to unlock the door, and I stare up at his face, the tautness of his skin across his features. Then my brows pucker. I’ve seen him look this way before.

For some reason the image Neil makes reminds me of that night we shared in the hotel after he exploded over me speaking with Andy Despensa. Strange, but that night four years ago was exactly like this. Caveman Neil dragging me from the party. Rough, brutal, emotionally void sex. An odd, angry impatience to fuck me and a bludgeoning need to do it. Raging Neil and an endless night of hard fucking.

His mouth comes back to mine just as the door gives way behind me. We stumble through and my feet leave me, and only Neil’s quick hands save me. He scoops me up into him, my legs encircle his body, his fingers dig into my backside beneath my dress, and we continue to frantically consume each other’s flesh as he starts moving us toward the bedroom.

“Oh fuck,” he groans.

My eyes fly open. All motion has stopped, and Neil is frozen in place, staring at something in the living room. Struggling to catch my breath, I peek over my shoulder and my limbs go as tense as Neil’s are.

Oh shit! Jack!

He sets me quickly down on my feet. I jerk my clothing into place and turn.

“Hello,” Jack says in a way that makes my cheeks burn.

“Daddy, what are you doing here?” I ask and my dad’s gaze sharpens.

Crap, that came out lame, but I’m still in shock over finding my dad here and it is not even worth trying to figure out how he got into the apartment to be waiting for me.

I force a smile to my lips.

Jack arches a brow. “You are my daughter. Where should I be?”

Oh crud, he is keyed up with worry over me. It would be so much better if he just got angry sometimes. But worry is the worst. I’ve worried him, yet again, only this time I didn’t mean to do it. Shit!

Neil’s eyes lock on me and I lower my gaze from his. Quietly, he whispers, “You never called Jack, did you?”

I sink my teeth into my lower lip. Great, now I have angry Neil to deal with later.

“Shit, Chrissie,” he says under his breath and then Neil rakes his hair with his hand.

I finally find my words. “It would have been nice if you had let me know you were coming here, Daddy.”

Jack shrugs. “It would have been nice to be able to talk to you about the decisions you’re making in your life. I got home from the road, expecting to spend some time with my daughter. Found your boxes in the Santa Barbara house. What I didn’t find was you, Chrissie. The condo complex confirmed you’d moved out without leaving a forwarding address for them…” Jack’s blue eyes lock on me. “…or for me.”

I change course. “How did you know where I am?”

“Rene,” he says calmly, but he is fuming. “Unlike you, she answers her mobile phone when I call her.”

Damn you, Rene.

Trying not to look flustered, I reply, “I was going to call you, Daddy. Things have been crazy since we got to Seattle. But I wouldn’t have left Seattle without calling you.”

“No? You left Berkeley without calling me.”

I flush. The room fills with a heavy, awkward silence. Neil quickly recovers from his stupor and crosses the room with his hand outstretched. “Hey, Jack, how are you doing?”

I watch as they shake hands.

“I’m doing OK, Neil,” Jack replies graciously.

“Good to hear,” Neil says, with a slight nod. He looks like he wants to drop through the floor.

“Been hearing good things about you,” Jack says.

Neil shrugs. “Trying hard, Jack.”

“It will come. It will come. Keep your head on straight. Ignore the hype. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do and stay focused on the music and it will come.”

I stare at them, unable to believe my freaking ears. Did Jack really give one of his folksy motivational musician talks to Neil in the middle of his chastising me? Jeez—this keeps getting weirder and weirder.

I sink down on a chair and stare at my white Keds. Freaking unbelievable.

“Is there a twenty-four-hour diner or restaurant near here?” Jack asks Neil. “I’d like to take my daughter out to breakfast, if that’s fine with you, Neil.”

I roll my eyes. I’m sitting right here. Why don’t you ask me what I would like, Jack?

“It’s four in the morning, Daddy. I don’t want breakfast.”

His intense blue stare fixes on me in that way that screams this is not debatable, Chrissie.

“Hey, why don’t I just get out of your way?” Neil suggests, grabbing his jacket from the floor. “I can take a walk and let you guys have some privacy.”

Jack gives a slight smile. “Thanks. I’d appreciate that.”

Neil’s gaze shifts to me. “I’ll be back soon.”

I nod. You had better be, Neil.

Jack and I sit, both holding our tongues as we wait for Neil to leave. I stare off into space until the door clicks closed behind him. I slowly shift my gaze, expecting my dad to launch into whatever is on his mind that brought him here, but he doesn’t. He just sits there, staring at me.

Jack couldn’t make this any more awkward for me if he tried, and I’m a little irritated because I think he’s deliberately doing that. Jeez, what do people do in such hideously awkward moments?

I ask, “Would you like some coffee, Daddy?”

“That would be nice, baby girl.”

I stand up and hurriedly move toward the kitchen. I can feel the displacement of air behind me and know Jack is following me there. I focus on filling the pot with water, turning on the heat, grabbing a cup and then take the instant from the cupboard.

I put a level spoon into the mug. “We just have instant, Daddy. I’m sorry.”

“Instant is fine.”

I look over my shoulder to find Jack standing in the doorway and the way he’s watching me nearly makes me cry. Now that Neil is gone, the worry is on Jack’s face un-tempered.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Well, you worried me.” He pushes away from the doorframe and crosses the tiled floor to me. “What’s going on, Chrissie? Something has been going on with you for months. Why won’t you talk to me?”

He looks sad. Achingly sad and more than mildly concerned. Tears sting behind my eyelids.

I concentrate on pouring the boiling water into the cup. “There’s nothing, Daddy.”

“You haven’t been home in months. You hardly ever call me and when you do talk to me, you are anxious to get off the phone quickly.”

“I just finished my last semester at Cal. I wanted to focus on school. Make sure I graduate. It doesn’t mean something is wrong. Why do you always overreact to everything?”

“I don’t overreact. I’m pretty damn reasonable ninety-nine percent of the time. Don’t try to change the subject. We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you. Something is going on with you, Chrissie. Don’t pretend that it’s not.”

I carefully carry the mugs into the living room, set them on the coffee table and then settle sitting on my knees, facing the sofa. Jack sinks down on the couch.

He stirs his coffee to cool it, and it looks like he’s trying to figure out where to begin round two of this.

“So you’re going out on the road with Neil?” he asks calmly.

Dammit, Rene, why did you have to tell Jack all my shit? There is no point in lying, so I don’t bother.

“Yes. I am going out on tour with Neil. It sounded like a fun thing to do, and after school I could use a break from everything.”

He stares at me, perplexed. “When did you start seeing Neil again?”

I flush, and it’s so stupid that I feel guilty over not having shared this with Jack. “About a month ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jack asks, and he looks hurt.

“I thought you liked Neil.”

“I do. He’s a good kid. That’s not the issue here. The issue is what’s happening in your life that you don’t want me to know.”

“Nothing!”

Jack crosses the room and sits on the floor close beside me. His fingers go to my chin and he turns my face so I have no choice but to look at him.

“Don’t say everything is fine, when it’s not. I’m not blind. I can see when something is going on with you. Let’s talk it out, Chrissie, so I can stop worrying about you.”

The earth falls away beneath me, taking my composure with it. I start to cry, and Jack takes me into his arms.

“It’s OK, baby girl. It’s OK.”

I shake my head and say in a soggy voice, “I’ve made such a mess of my life. I’m a terrible person. Don’t be angry. Please don’t worry, Daddy.”

He lays his cheek on my head. “You’re my daughter. I’ve got to worry. Those are the rules. And your life isn’t a mess. Nothing is ever that bad. And you are not a terrible person. You’re an amazing girl.”

I sniff, trying to keep my nose from dripping on his shirt. “I’m just sorting through some stuff, but definitely nothing that should get you all freaked out. I moved to Seattle with Neil. What’s the big deal? We’ve been together for four years. You didn’t need to come here.”

“You moved to Seattle and didn’t tell me,” he counters.

I sit back and look up at Jack. “It was a good decision. I think the best thing for me. Neil is an incredible guy, the most amazing friend I’ve ever had. I couldn’t have made it through the last month without him.”

Jack’s face tightens and his blue eyes sharpen alertly. “What do you mean not make it through the last month? What’s happened in the last month? Did someone hurt you? Were you…?”

He can’t say it, but I can tell by his face what he’s thinking. He’s wondering if I got mugged or worse. Oh crap! Why did I have to mention last month? I’ve kicked up Jack’s worry about ten levels.

“It’s not that bad…” The words die inside me as Jack’s face grows more alarmed.

“Not that bad, huh?” He lets out a ragged breath, impatient and anxious. “What happened, Chrissie, that isn’t that bad?” The way he says that makes me cringe. “I think it’s time you talk to me.”

Oh no, that was not a request. It was a warning that Jack is not going to let this one go. He stares at me expectantly.

I drop my gaze. I can’t believe I’m about to tell my dad about April. But if there is a way out other than just telling him everything, I don’t see it.

“I had an abortion in April,” I hear myself say, and my voice sounds far away, not even my own.

The room fills with crushing silence. I don’t know which one of us is more shocked, me that I said it or Jack that he heard it.

Jack’s expression is impossible to read. “Are you OK?”

My eyes widen to their fullest. “I’m fine,” I say quickly to reassure him. “But I’m still a little overwhelmed by the experience. I didn’t realize until after it was over how much I didn’t want to do it.”

Oh fuck, why did I confess that last part? I haven’t even told that to Neil. Damn.

Jack’s gaze grows more intense and probing. “Then why did you do it?”

That one I am not going to explain. Nothing could force me, not even the rabid concern I see in my dad’s eyes, to tell him about Alan and me. Nope, that part of this mistake I’m not sharing.

“Was it Neil’s?” Jack asks, his voice harsh and clipped.

“No. And Neil wouldn’t have wanted me to have an abortion if it were his. He didn’t think I should do it, but he respected my decision and was really cool through it all.”

Jack nods, his mouth tightening in that way he has when he is really hit emotionally by something. “I’m glad Neil was there for you.” He looks away. “I’m glad you let someone be there for you. Christ, Chrissie, why didn’t you tell me about this?”

I feel the tears burn behind my lids. “It was my mistake and I wanted to fix it on my own. And Neil was wonderful, Daddy. Really wonderful about everything. He took good care of me. I could never have finished the last month at Cal without him.” I wipe at my nose and take in a shuddering breath. “After I’d done it, I realized I didn’t want to. It’s kind of messed with my head and I almost dropped out of school. But Neil wouldn’t let me. He stayed in Berkeley with me until I got my shit together again. He let me talk, he listened and he really cares. He has been so supportive. It made me realize how stupid I was to break up with him.”

Jack’s brows lower into a frown. “If you didn’t want to do it, why did you?”

“The guy wouldn’t have wanted it. He dumped me and it didn’t seem fair to make a decision all on my own that would impact us both for the rest of our lives.”

Anger flashes in Jack’s eyes. “He had a choice. His vote ended when he climbed into bed with you. After that, your body, your choice.”

My face goes scarlet. I’ve never heard Jack so angry and I’m flooded with shame that I worried him because he’s being the dad I’ve always known when I’ve let him be there for me: clear-headed, supportive, loving.

Jack places a light kiss on my cheek and brushes at my tears with his fingertips.

“I’m sorry, baby girl. I wish you had talked to me before you did anything. We could have talked it through together.”

“Well, we’re talking it through now,” I say quietly.

“So the guy…what happened to him?”

Jack sounds angry again.

I shrug and fight back a new onslaught of tears. “We’re over. I told you. He dumped me.”

“Asshole,” Jack says under his breath in nearly a growl. “I may be fifty now, Chrissie, but I can still kick his ass if you want me to.”

I take a sip of my coffee, make a soggy laugh, and shake my head. Jeez—there is nothing here to make me laugh, but that one I didn’t expect. “Don’t bother. It’s not worth it. He’s out of my life for good.”

Jack nods. “Good. I don’t think I’d care for the guy. I hope that fucker never comes near you again.”

He won’t, Jack. Alan doesn’t love me…

I cut off my thoughts and sigh heavily. “Being an adult is so much harder than I thought it would be. Why doesn’t anyone tell you that? Every time I think I know where I’m going, the road changes. I’m so tired of the road always changing unexpectedly on me.”

Jack gives me a sad and sympathetic smile. “The road always changes even when you think you’re on a straight path. It does for everyone, Chrissie. Not just you. Try to remember it’s about the journey, baby girl. It’s not about where we’re going. When the road changes it will bother you less if you always remember it’s about the journey.”

Typical Jack. Typical 60s mumbo jumbo. For some reason it doesn’t irritate me today. I’m actually sort of feeling better inside myself. Calmer. Less frantic.

“I don’t know what to do with my life, Daddy.”

“Welcome to the club, Chrissie. We are all in the same place and we’re going to the same place no matter what we do with our lives. The best journeys I’ve had have been when I’ve not known where I’m going, on roads I’ve never expected.”

I study my father. “How did you get over Mom?”

He looks at me, his face enigmatic. “Whoever said that I did? Just because Lena isn’t here doesn’t mean I’m not with her. Your mom doesn’t have to be here for me to love her.” He starts to pick up our mugs from the coffee table. “You can love anyone you want, Chrissie. Just don’t forget that you still have to live.”

I watch Jack move toward the kitchen. He says, “I’ll just pop these in the microwave. They’re cold. And you can go into the hallway and get Neil.”

“Neil went for a walk. He’s not in the hallway.”

Jack laughs. “Oh, Chrissie, I saw the way he looked at you before he went through the door. The kid didn’t get any farther than the hallway. I’m not happy about you going out on the road. I think you should come home. But you’ve got a good guy there, baby girl. Neil really cares about you. That I am not worried about.”

~~~

We arrive at the load-up parking lot before the rest of the band. Neil holds up my suitcases in front of him. “Black one in the bus with you? Duffel in the cargo hold, Chrissie?”

“I think so. I don’t think I’ll need the junk in the duffel until we stop.”

Neil tosses my duffel into the cargo bay, then turns to Jack. “Thanks for seeing us off.”

“Thanks for letting me,” Jacks says.

Jack stayed all morning in the apartment. It was nice he spent time with Neil and me. The three of us talked, really talked, and it was good. Even if it was filled with folksy advice from Jack to Neil about being out on the road, and at times a little awkward since it’s obvious that me being with Neil means that I’m with Neil.

How lame is that? I’m an adult and it feel uncomfortable for my dad to know officially that I’m living with Neil. The pretense is gone with my dad, and it makes everything feel kind of different and not normal yet.

I struggle to contain my flashing thoughts. I definitely don’t want to start turning in my head all the shit that went down at the apartment—jeez, don’t think about that one, Chrissie. What girl tells her father she’s had an abortion?—and completing the ritual of the tour bus departure is going to be strange enough. Why does this feel like I’m being sent off to summer camp?

I watch as my dad gives Neil a one-arm, halfway, guy-type hug, but before Jack pulls back he gives a couple of hard pats on Neil’s back.

“You take care of my girl,” Jack warns. “If you don’t, you’re going to hear from me.”

“You mean there’s more than what I’ve already heard from you this morning to hear from you?” Neil grimaces, but his eyes are sparkling.

Jack shakes his head, glaring. “A lot more. You had better have been listening earlier to every word.”

Neil taps his head with an index finger. “Burned into my memory for life. Every word.”

“Good,” Jack says.

Neil smiles. “See ya, Jack.”

“Don’t be a fuck-up,” Jack warns. “The road can only turns you into a fuck-up if you let it.”

Neil nods. “I know. Besides, I’d have to deal with Chrissie and she is way worse than you.”

Jack is laughing as he turns toward me. He rests his arms on my shoulder. “I’m going to miss you, baby girl.”

I bite my lower lip to hold back the emotion. “I know, Daddy. I’m going to miss you, too.”

His eyes fix on me, loving and intense. “Be careful. Stay smart. Things can get crazy. If it gets to be too crazy, come home.”

“I will. It’s going to be OK.”

Jack nods. “Call me every stop, and fly home once in a while.”

“I will, Daddy,” I promise.

He puts a light kiss on my forehead, and sighs. “I never expected to be sending you off on tour. I never wanted you to be near any of this. Not ever.”

I stare up at him, startled. Is that why Jack never had me travel with him? He didn’t want me near the music industry? Most days I still can’t make sense of my dad, but it’s a nice thought, much kinder than the suspicions I used to have about why Jack never took me out on tour with him. So today I’m not going to try to figure out my dad.

The entire chemistry changes with the arrival of the rest of the band, and soon the guys are like a fast-talking, loud football huddle surrounding Jack. Everyone wants to talk to him—everyone always wants to talk to Jack—but today, it makes me a smidge wistful because I want him to be only my dad. Like he was in the apartment, sitting on the floor with Neil and me. Like he is when we are at home in Santa Barbara together.

The bus driver exits the bus and I have to forcibly keep from making a face. Oh dear. He does not look at all fun, and how the heck does he fit in the driver’s seat? He must be nearly 6’5” and I’m sure 300lbs if he’s anything.

“Listen up, dipshits,” he says, silencing everyone. “I’m Markem. It’s time to load up. It’s time to go. Let’s set some ground rules since we’re going to be together for a long time. My bus, my rules. My job is to get you there on time. Your job is not to piss me off. Front of the bus: mine. Everywhere else on the bus: yours. And when I say cops, settle down, and you clean up whatever the fuck you’re doing. Violate my rules, I set you on the side of the road. I don’t give a fuck if we’re in the middle of the desert. It’s fine by me if you stay out there. It gives me one less asshole to babysit.”

My gaze moves to Neil and he just rolls his eyes, but he looks like he’s half-dying of humiliation and the other half like he wants to say something. I bite my lip not to laugh, but a chuckle escapes me anyway.

Markem looks in my direction and his eyes narrow. “Nobody told me anything about hauling a fifi. Whose fifi is she?”

This time I make a face. I can’t help it. Yuck, fifi?

Jack cuts through the guys, extending his hand toward the bus driver. “Excuse me. I’m not one of the dipshits. People usually just call me Jack. And that girl is my daughter. She is not a fifi.”

The driver’s face goes through several alterations but it settles on a stunned expression. “Jesus Christ, Jackson Parker.”

They shake hands. “No, just Jack.”

Markem’s eyes widen. “Are you shitting me? I’m hauling your daughter this tour? Why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me?”

They turn in unison to face me, with Jack nodding his head. “Don’t get pissed, Markem. No one told me until today she’d be on this tour. Kind of puts us in the same boat. And if any of the dipshits step out of line with her, I would appreciate it if you would kick the shit out of them.”

God, Daddy! Can this get any more embarrassing?

“Will do, Mr. Parker,” Markem assures him. “Will do.”

Jack smiles. “Just Jack, please. I’ll feel more confident that you’ll kick the shit out of them if we’re on a first-name basis.”

Markem laughs. “Jack, then.”

Jack and Markem launch into conversation while the guys disappear into the bus.

Neil crosses the concrete and drops a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll leave you alone with Jack to finish saying goodbye.”

“Thanks, Neil.”

His gaze roams my face. “Are you OK? Not having second thoughts, are you?”

I’m having second thoughts, third, fourth…but I shake my head and smile. “No way. I want to be with you. You couldn’t leave me behind if you try.”

Once alone with my dad, I’m starting to feel internally messy. For some reason, this goodbye is particularly hard for me.

My dad gives me one last hug, and the way he is holding on to me feels almost like he doesn’t want to let me go. He’s never hugged me this way before.

I step back the minute his arms loosen. “I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too, Chrissy. Don’t forget that.”

I laugh and roll my eyes. “I won’t.”

I start making my way up the stairs and pause to take one last look at Jack, then step into the bus to see what the heck I’ve gotten myself into. The guys have already staked their own territory and are sprawled out comfortably.

My eyes widen in surprise. Well, this isn’t as awful as I thought it would be. It’s sort of comfortable inside even if it is less luxurious than I imagined it would be. A table with chairs. Small fridge and microwave and a cooking top. Long bench seats that convert for sleeping. A shower. A toilet. Yuck, I’m going to be sharing a bathroom with five guys, six if I count the driver. Storage cabinets, a TV, a sound system, and across the back of the bus a real bed built-in.

I spot my black bag on the bed and make my way to the back of the bus. I arrange the pillows into a pile and climb up to sit there. I guess this is where I’m supposed to hang, my own private space in guy world.

In a minute the doors close, Neil breaks off from his discussion with Josh and joins me. He sits with his back against the other wall, facing me.

“I’m really glad you’re here with me,” Neil says and he looks so happy that I joined him that I can feel it in my center.

“Me too.”

“Fuck, I’m tired.” Neil sighs, leaning his head back against the wall. “Jack sure can talk. I’ve never had anyone talk at me so much before. I’m exhausted.”

I smile and pat the spot beside me. “Why don’t you lie down? Why don’t you sleep?”

He eases down beside me on his side and scooches me back into him. The ignition turns over with those loud rattling groans a diesel engine makes. There is the sensation of movement and we are leaving Seattle.

I pull back the blind and look out the back window. Jack is standing in the parking lot, watching me leave. Tears clog in my throat, because the way he is standing, the look on his face, reminds me of when I was a little girl and always had to watch him leave. Only now he watches me.