Текст книги "Trickster"

Автор книги: Стивен Харпер

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CHAPTER SIX

"You may as well confess-we already know what you did."

– Ormand Clearwater, Bethlehem Colony

A triumphant roar went up from the crowd. Elena Papagos-Faye yelled with the best of them and leaned over the railing to peer down into the shallow gladiator pit, careful not to spill her drink. The person beside her, an auburn-haired man wearing a tight shirt that displayed an impressive build and tailored trousers that showed off some fine assets, pounded a fist on the rail. In the pit below, a six-legged, tank-like creature the size of a small horse finished pulling the arm off its hapless opponent. Black blood splashed over the arena floor and the opponent, a furry, fanged cross between a wolf and a human, howled in pain and fury. It bit and scratched, but claws and teeth got no purchase on the bony armor. The tank pushed the wolf creature toward a section of the floor that sat beneath a heavy metal weight. In the control booth that hovered over the pit, the losing owner shouted frantic instructions at the wolf creature, but blood loss was taking its toll and the creature's movements became jerky and spasmodic. The auburn-haired man shouted encouragement. Elena took another cold sip of her martini. The contest was thrilling, and so was the man.

For the last two days at the Pit, it seemed that no matter where she turned, the man was there-placing bets, shouting at the genegineered battle-creatures, and generally enjoying himself. She also noticed, however, that he didn't actually talk to much of anyone or seem to have any friends-at least, no friends that came to the Pit with him. He was a handsome bastard, too. His clothes and hair were immaculate, styled in the latest fashion. Elena was glad that the current mode favored tight clothes, and her own scarlet dress left little to the imagination. Elena herself was a couple centimeters taller than the man, with long black hair, dark eyes, and a longish nose.

The crowd around the gladiator pit was easily two hundred strong. About half were human. The heavy metallic scent of blood mixed with smells of fried food and spilled alcohol. Bodies pressed around the railing to get a better look at the fight below, but no one seemed to mind the crush. Elena took her eyes off the man long enough to watch the end of the fight. The tank shoved the wolf beneath the weight, triggering a sensor. The weight dropped with a crash, squashing the wolf flat. The crunch sent a thrill through Elena's blood and elicited another roar from the crowd. The man yelled again and leaped back from the railing. His elbow hit Elena's arm, and her martini drenched the front of her outfit in cold gin. She gave a yelp of indignation and brushed frantically at herself.

"Oh hell," the man said over the noisy crowd. "Geez, I'm sorry, ma'am."

Attraction turned to annoyance. "Idiot," she snapped. "Why don't you watch what you're doing?"

In the pit below, the tank skittered triumphant circles around the pit clutching the furry arm of its flattened adversary. The weight rose, revealing pulped remains, and a cleanup crew moved purposefully toward them. The crowd noise subsided into conversation and several people headed back toward the betting area to cash in winnings.

"You should go to the bar and have that taken care of," the man said. "Let me help you. Please?"

Elena's anger abated somewhat at his meek tone. She had, after all, been looking for an excuse to talk to him, and he had literally dropped one on her.

The man solicitously took her elbow. She glared at him to let him know all was not forgiven, but allowed him to lead her through an open archway behind the crowd and into the restaurant-bar. The man got the barkeeper's attention and gestured at the spreading stain on the Elena's dress.

"Cleanup, please?" he said. "And then get this lady anything she wants."

"You got it." The bartender, an enormously tall man with biceps big as footballs, caught up a spray bottle, leaned over the bar, and expertly misted the stain. It lightened, then vanished entirely. Elena's dress was perfectly dry. "What are you drinking, ma'am?"

"Oak and Ash," she said pointedly.

The man gave a small, embarrassed laugh. "Thirty-year-old scotch. I'm that bad, am I? Look, I really am sorry. Can I buy you more than a drink? Something to eat, maybe?" A wide smile spread across his face, one that made him look endearingly boyish. God, he was gorgeous.

"All right," she said in much nicer tone. "Dinner."

Elena caught up her new drink and swept toward an empty booth without looking to see if he was following her. She was already seated by the time he caught up with her and slid into the opposite seat.

"I'm Devin Reap," he said, extending his hand across the table.

"Elena Papagos-Faye." Her handshake was firm, and she pressed his hand a little longer than was necessary. Devin met her eyes with a meek little smile, then looked shyly away. Well. Gorgeous and pliable.

The restaurant kept the lights low. Its tables and booths were of dark, scarred wood. Gritty sawdust mixed with peanut shells underfoot, and a small tin pail of unshelled peanuts sat in the middle of the table. An pair of old-fashioned glass screens displayed the menu where the table met the wall. Another cheer went up from the crowd at the fighting pit beyond the arch, and Elena assumed another contest had begun.

"I really am sorry about the spill, Ms. Papagos-Faye," Devin said.

"It cleaned up just fine, Devin," she said. "Though I think I'm still in the mood for something expensive."

A pained look crossed Devin's his face. "Not too expensive, I hope. I've had a run of bad luck with the gladiators lately."

"Oh? The way you were cheering in there, I thought you must have won."

"Not really. I was yelling at the loser because he let himself get squashed. What would you like for dinner?"

They leaned over the menu screen and Elena purposefully brushed her hand against Devin's. He blushed-actually blushed – and then casually moved his hand away. Elena burned with desire. She would have this Devin and she would definitely have him tonight.

Elena ordered first-prime rib, the second most expensive item on the menu-and Devin tapped in his own order-simple baked chicken.

"Do you bet much on the gladiators?" he asked.

"Not unless I know it's a sure thing," Elena replied. "And how often does that happen?"

Devin smiled. "Not often enough. So what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a department head for a special project within SA." She made circles with her glass on the table and looked at Devin through her eyelashes. "Very hush-hush. You?"

"Accountant, but I'm an independent contractor."

Ben shrugged. "Pay's lower, but yeah-SA doesn't have its claws in me."

"Does anyone else have their claws in you?" she asked with small smile of her own.

Devin looked self-consciously down at his hands. "Not right now. You?"

"I prefer to put my claws into other people."

Their food arrived, and the inevitable small talk began. Elena found numerous reasons to touch Devin's hand or forearm during the meal. Twice her foot "accidentally" brushed his under the table. After the second or third time, Devin stopped pulling back, but the endearing blush that made her want to pull his clothes off him then and there continued to surface.

Around them, patrons of various species came and went. Regular shouts of triumph and groans of despair came from the arena. The table offered a tiny holographic display of the fights, and several times Devin looked longingly at the controls, but Elena deliberately didn't pick up on the hint and he didn't say anything. Good.

Throughout their meal, she let slip a few hints about the Collection. Nothing that would get her into trouble, but enough to impress a little contract accountant whose yearly fee was probably less than what Elena made in ten minutes. She imagined him living in a hole-in-the-wall apartment with three room-mates so he could spend his money on clothes and bet on genegineered gladiators.

"So exactly what's this project about?" Devin asked, leaning forward in fascination. "Sounds like it's big-time stuff."

"Top secret, I'm afraid," she said with a knowing wink. "But it's big. When it finishes, you'll be hearing about it in every corner of the universe. I guarantee it."

He pressed for more details like a puppy looking for attention. She allowed it until she grew tired of evasive answers and cut off further questions with a sharp retort. He immediately fell into a docile silence and Elena changed the subject. Eventually, the meal ended and Devin, once more apologizing about her dress, paid the check.

"Why don't you come back to my place for a drink?" she said, knowing what the answer would be. Already she could imagine what it would be like to have him lying beneath her, to run her hands over that hard frame, listen to him moan and beg for the release that she would give only when she was ready for him to have it.

"Oh, geez, thanks, but I… I can't."

Elena stared. "You can't," she repeated, stupefied.

"I had a great time, though," Devin said, rising quickly from the table and handing her a small datachip. "Here's a com-link code where you can reach me. I hope you'll call. I'd really like to see you again."

And then he was gone.

Elena stared after him in a disbelief laced with a dollop of avarice. No one turned her down. Not the men she chose, not Silent Acquisitions, not even Edsard Roon. Not only would Devin Reap beg to come to her bed, he would become enamored of her, fall in love with her. And then, just to show him who was in charge, she would toss him aside.

Elena Papagos-Faye pulled out her data pad, activated the holographic screen, and started a background check on Devin Reap.

"Come on, you can't keep me here forever," Todd lamented.

"You know, Isaac, the beauty of that statement is not only that it is false, but that you so clearly know it is false," Harenn replied. "I can do anything to you I like. I can hang you upside-down from the ceiling and make a thousand little cuts all over your body that will kill you only after many hours of bleeding. I can give you drugs that will drag every darkness from your head and make each one real for you. I can hire a gang of men to come into this room and beat you and rape you until you wish you had died. All these things I can do, and there is nothing you can do to stop me."

Todd abruptly lunged for Harenn, but the moment he came within a meter of her body, his silvery slave bands snapped and sparked with a blue glow. Todd fell to his knees, moaning in pain. Harenn watched impassively until, gasping, he got to his feet and backed away from her. The Poltergeist had no brig, so Kendi had put him in a set of windowless quarters that Ben and Lucia had gone over. There was nothing in the little room that Todd could use to communicate with anyone outside the ship. He had no computer access, and Lucia had installed extra-stubborn locks on the door. Todd's slave bands were programmed to shock him if he crossed the threshold or approached any member of the crew too closely. His only entertainment was a set of bookdisks. Harenn knew she should leave him alone, that solitary confinement was a terrible punishment in and of itself, but Isaac Todd was like a bad tooth. She couldn't help probing it, even though it caused her pain.

"You're a vindictive bitch," he spat.

"You made me into one, Isaac," Harenn said. She was leaning with her back against the door. "You taught me that not even love can be trusted, that anything and everything you have can be taken away at a single stroke. You taught me not to trust my own judgement. You taught me that pain and sorrow can come from any direction, even from someone who loves you. And now you are reaping the benefits of my lessons. Does that not make you happy?"

"So you just come in here to torture me?" Todd plunked down onto the tiny room's only chair. "I wonder if Bedj-ka would like seeing this side of his mother."

Harenn took a step toward Todd, and he scrambled out of the chair so he could back away.

"Ever the manipulator," she said. "Still trying to make me question myself. Still trying to make me miserable."

"Listen, Harenn," Todd said, holding up his hands in a gesture of placation, "I never set out to hurt you. It was just a business thing, nothing personal. Besides, it's not like you'd had Bedj-ka long enough to form a real attachment or anything."

Harenn's eyes flashed. "Which do you like better, Isaac, bread or cheese?"

"Why?" he asked warily.

"Because for the next several days you are going to have only those two things to eat, and a random one of them will contain a powerful emetic. Choose wisely which you consume, my husband. If you choose wrong, the results will be entertaining."

With that, she turned and left the room. Gretchen was standing in the corridor outside.

"I overheard part of that," she said, falling into step beside Harenn. "It's not healthy, you know."

Harenn bristled. "Are you going to tell me how to run my life?"

"I didn't say you shouldn't do it," Gretchen said with a wolfish grin. "Everyone needs bad habits. After seeing the L. L. Venus farm, though, I've lost my chocolate vice. Maybe I can pick up a new one torturing prisoners. Need any help?"

Harenn looked at Gretchen, uncertain whether the other woman was joking or not. "No, thank you," she said at last.

"So what are we going to do with him, anyway?" Gretchen asked. They were heading toward the galley. "No matter what you might want, we can't shove him out an airlock, and it'd be a royal pain in the ass to keep him around forever."

"I have given the matter little thought," Harenn said. "I have the impression Kendi has something in mind, but he will not say what."

"Have you told Bedj-ka who he is?"

Harenn shook her head. "And I don't know if I will. What good would it do him?"

"He may find out on his own."

"Not if I can prevent it."

Father Kendi Weaver stared at the holographic display above his data pad without really seeing it. He knew it was pointless to worry about things which were beyond his control, but he couldn't help it. He worried about what was happening to Utang and Martina. He worried about running out of time. He worried about Silent Acquisitions discovering the team's connection with the Children. He worried about the Children of Irfan fading away. And through it all, he had to keep a calm demeanor.

Kendi wasn't used to keeping his emotions under control, except when he was trancing for the Dream or playing a role during a rescue mission. The people around him usually knew when he was angry or happy, frustrated or joyful, and that was fine with Kendi. It was a trait that sometimes exasperated Ara, who often said that while forthrightness was indeed a virtue, tact and subtlety had their places as well. She had held up Irfan Qasad's famed serenity as an example. But Kendi had still preferred to wear his heart on his sleeve.

Now things were different.

Now he was in charge of a crew of people who looked to him for command decisions. He had to come up with plans and strategy, and figure out who would be the best person to implement them. He had to keep a calm expression at all times, since an agitated Father would upset his Children.

At least here in his and Ben's quarters, he didn't have to hide the fact that he was worried. A dozen things could go wrong with the current plan. Elena Papagos-Faye could figure out "Devin Reap" wasn't a real person. She might not be attracted to him, and Kendi would have to come up with a brand new angle. She might actually entice Ben into bed with her.

Kendi snorted. Absurd. Ben would never do such a thing. Sure, Kendi knew Ben had been involved with women, and he had a suspicion that one such affair had been serious. Kendi had never asked. After all, they'd been on-again, off-again for years and hadn't become a permanent couple until just before the Despair. It wasn't any of Kendi's business what Ben had done during their off-again times. But Ben wouldn't go for a woman now. The very idea was ridiculous.

Even if the woman was beautiful. And wealthy. And sophisticated. And powerful. And– The door slid open and Kendi looked up. A man with stylishly-cut auburn hair and a tight green shirt that exactly matched his eyes entered the living room. Relief flooded Kendi. He wanted to snatch Ben into a ferocious hug, scoop him off the ground, and sweep him into the bedroom. He resisted the urge. For one thing, Ben weighed more than Kendi could safely lift.

"All life, you look incredible," he observed instead. "We should turn Harenn loose on you more often. So how'd it go, Mr. Reap?"

Ben sighed and dropped onto the couch next to Kendi. "Those poor Pit animals. It makes me want to throw up."

"What about Papagos-Faye?"

"She's worse. Every time that woman looks at me, I feel like a side of beef hanging on a hook. When I turned her down, I thought she was going to bop me over the head and drag me home by the hair. God. She makes me go all cold inside." He shuddered.

"Lucia did say Papagos-Faye likes to win," Kendi said aloud. "And that she likes to own things. Between Lucia's shadowing and your computer snooping, we got a pretty good profile on her. You probably surprised the hell out of her by turning her down."

"She's already run a background check on me," Ben said, tapping the side of his head. "My implant warned me that someone checked the files I inserted into SA's consultant records. So now she knows that Devin Reap is single, has no kids, hasn't gotten any consulting work in a while, and is the sort-of survivor of a terrible disaster."

"Good. We still need her key." A wash of emotion crossed Kendi's face and he made no attempt to hide it as he glanced involuntarily toward the window. The module that housed the Collection protruded from the station wall only a few hundred meters away. He had never been so close to his family and yet still so far away. He wondered what they looked like, what their voices sounded like. It had been over fifteen years since the three of them had run through the broken streets of Sydney, but he still remembered with perfect clarity the games they had played together. Decrepit, abandoned houses became pirate ships and smuggler caves. Graffiti became sacred Aboriginal writings. Chunks of broken glass became opals of immeasurable value, treasures that needed to be hidden from the mutant whites who wanted to take them away and enslave the Aboriginal people. As children, they had no idea that Australian history would repeat itself in deep space.

"You're missing them again, aren't you?" Ben asked.

"Yeah." More emotions rose and Kendi set his jaw against them. "I want them out, Ben. And more than that-I want the bastard who brought them there punished. Todd said that the Collection was all Edsard Roon's idea, his program, his everything. I want him to suffer for that. I can't get the slavers that broke my family up, but I can get Roon. I want him to lose everything, just like I lost everything, like Martina and Utang lost everything."

"I don't blame you." Ben put a gentle arm around Kendi. "But you may have to be content with just getting them out. Edsard Roon has all of SA's resources working for him, and we only have the resources of this one ship. If they catch us in any of this, every one of us, including Bedj-ka, will quietly disappear into the recycling vats or into the Collection itself."

"I've been thinking about that," Kendi said, leaning into Ben's embrace. "Maybe we should find a way to send Harenn and Bedj-ka back to Bellerophon, get them out of the way in case something goes wrong."

"Harenn won't go for it. She still feels guilty about saving Bedj-ka first. She wants to see everything through, make sure you find your family."

Kendi sighed. Ben was right-Harenn would hate the idea of being sent back home, but to ensure the safety of her son, he should order her to go. The problem was, he needed Harenn's skills and was afraid he wouldn't be able to rescue Martina and Utang without her.

There was another factor as well. Kendi was adult enough to admit that, despite all his assurances to the contrary, he was damned angry at Harenn. He knew it was irrational, that there was no way for either of them to have known that rescuing Bedj-ka first had been a mistake, that if they had known, Harenn would have been the first to insist that they go after Martina and Utang right away. All this his head knew. The trouble was, his emotions weren't listening. Did he really need Harenn's skills that badly, or was he keeping her around out of spite? He wasn't entirely sure.

"I should go change," Ben said, letting Kendi go and starting to get up. Kendi caught his arm and stopped him.

"Why? You look amazing, Ben. Green eyes suit you. So does the darker hair. And the clothes."

Ben's face reddened but he didn't object when Kendi pulled him back onto the couch. Kendi sat on Ben's lap, facing him, and kissed him hard. Kendi felt his own desire rise. He wanted to be close to Ben, feel his body moving against his own. His hands moved behind Ben and pulled the other man closer with an ardor that surprised both of them. A maelstrom whirled around Kendi-love, desire, fear, anger, helplessness, frustration, joy. He had been holding it all for so long, and he focused everything into a single, powerful kiss. When they parted, Ben was panting.

"What's this all about?" he asked.

Kendi wanted to tell him, but it was all such a tangle that he couldn't find the words. He wanted to merge with Ben, become a single person, never be apart from him again. But all he could say was, "I don't want you to start getting ideas about Papagos-Faye."

"No fear of that."

"Let's make absolute sure."

Elena Papagos-Faye drummed her fingers on the cheap tabletop of the Pit restaurant with ill-disguised impatience. Devin Reap was a mystery, an enigma. His consultant file with SA was annoyingly brief. He had only been on the station for a few months. Before that he had worked tech for a passenger ship named the Merry Widow, but it had apparently gone into slipspace just before the Despair hit and had never come back. Devin Reap had, by sheer chance, not been aboard because he had been taking a two-week vacation. That was all. Because he was a consultant who didn't work with classified equipment or software, SA didn't keep an extensive background file on him. It didn't even list where he lived-just a com-link code identical to the one he had given her. A high-level check with Domestic hadn't turned up an address, but that wasn't uncommon-Reap was likely pirating quarters with someone. It was a common scam. SA partly based its rents on the number of people living in a given place, so two people who officially shared an apartment would one day come home to a rent hike, wiping out the main reason for putting up with cramped living quarters in the first place.

The fact that Elena couldn't learn more about Devin made him even more intriguing. Elena was someone who made her living manipulating information and data, and not having much information on this guy tantalized her. He certainly hadn't volunteered much about himself last night during their second date at the Pit.

Elena smiled, remembering. Their time together yesterday had been filled with entendres that varied from double to quintuple. They had placed some bets and cheered the gladiators together, and Elena had used the latter activity as an excuse to rub up against him in the press of spectators. Devin seemed to be receptive during the entire thing, even flashed her a shy, boyish smile when her hand stole down into a more… private area. But when the Pit closed down for the evening, he had thanked her for a fun time, given her a quick peck on the cheek, and vanished.

She checked the time on her ocular implant. He was three minutes late. This was their third date in as many nights-if you counted their first meeting as a date-and Elena had decided that tonight she would get him into bed if she had to put him in chains. And wasn't that a lovely thought? Watching those muscles of his strain against the metal, hearing him cry and beg as she held back from the one thing that he wanted. That all men wanted.

"What are you thinking about?" a familiar voice asked. Devin slid into the seat across from her in what they had already come to refer to as "their" booth at the Pit. The fights hadn't yet started, and the place was quiet.

"You," she replied. "You're late, you know. I'll make you pay for that."

"I'm sorry," he said contritely. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

His tone was absolutely serious, with no trace of innuendo. His wide, green eyes suddenly filled with tension, as if he were afraid she really were angry. God, he was so wonderfully malleable.

"I'll think of something," she murmured, and slid her foot up his calf.

He gave that shy smile that made her burn inside. "Have you ordered yet?"

They called for drinks and Devin asked her how work had gone that day.

"Well, I can't talk about much," she said. "Just about everything I do is classified over there. You know, Devin, I could probably get you a job within my project. Something on the periphery. You said you haven't been offered any work in, what, a week? Two?"

"Yeah. The post-Despair recession. There isn't much work for us independents, with SA laying off its regular workers left and right. I have some savings, but they're going fast."

"Play your cards right with me, and I can get you something more permanent. And higher paying." Elena gave him a long look over her glass. "You won't have to pirate living space with someone else anymore."

Fear filled his face. "How did you-I mean, I'm not-"

"You don't have to worry, Devin," she said, patting his hand. So her theory had been correct. "I won't tell anyone your little secret. If you keep me happy, that is."

"I'll do my best," he said, still shy. "I like you a lot, Elena. You're smart and beautiful and… and sexy." The last word made him blush furiously.

She leaned across the table and stroked his well-muscled forearm. "Then why don't we go back to my place and discuss… new positions?"

"But the fights haven't even started yet," he said. "I mean, that Leeland guy is supposed to have his new gladiator up tonight. Everyone's talking about it. And we haven't eaten yet."

He looked a little scared. Too much too fast? Elena wasn't sure. She decided to back away, get a couple of drinks into him. A little tip to the bartender would make sure his drinks contained more than the usual amount of alcohol, though she didn't want him too drunk.

"Of course," she said. "Anticipation only makes it better."

They talked about nothing in particular as the Pit filled up and the first fights began. They watched a few on the in-house holographic display, and Devin pounded the table during the good parts. Elena watched in fascination. He was normally so quiet, but the gladiator fights seemed to bring out the screamer within. She wondered if it was the same for him in the bedroom.

After their dinners arrived, Elena asked, "So tell me about the Merry Widow."

Devin paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. "The Widow?"

"Your ship," she said. "You were supposed to be on board when it left port but you decided to take a last-minute vacation instead. Lucky for you."

He set the fork down, food untasted. "Yeah. Lucky."

"Tell me about it," she commanded.

"What's there to tell?" His eyes stared across the room at nothing. "I worked on the books, kept the payroll people happy. The Widow made a regular shuttle run for passengers and cargo around the Five Green Worlds. I decided I needed a break, so I sat the last one out on Klimkinnar. Then the Despair hit and the Widow never came out of slipspace. Someone on the crew probably went… you know… and that was the end of it."

"You had a lot of friends on board," she said. "And someone special?"

"I–I don't-"

"Tell me," she ordered again.

"Yeah," he whispered, voice barely audible. "I was going to ask her to marry me when she got back. I took the vacation time so I could shop for a ring."

How cute. And trite. Elena sat back in her seat, wondering what would happen if she ordered him to get up and do a cartwheel. "That's why you're not so sure you want to get involved with me, isn't it?"

"Don't get me wrong, Elena," he said quickly. "I like you a lot. I'm just not completely sure of everything yet."

"Perhaps I can firm things up for you."

They finished dinner in time to make their way to the Pit for the new Leeland gladiator. They tried to worm their way to the railing, but the cheering crowd was simply too thick. Snarls and howls rose from the fighting arena.

"Let's forget this and go back to my place," she shouted in Devin's ear. "It's too crowded."

"I want to try again," he yelled back. "Maybe I can muscle a place up front for the two of us."

Elena made an exasperated sound that was completely swallowed up by the noise of the crowd. "I need to go to the ladies' room," she snarled.

"Okay. I'll try to get closer."

Elena headed toward the human restrooms, furious. What was it going to take? He was emotionally vulnerable, probably horny as hell by now, and thought she was sexy. It was infuriating.

She used one of the toilet stalls and headed for the mirrors to check her face. A few other women were there as well, including two who were obviously friends. Both went in for heavy rouge and eye-liner, and their hairdos ran toward big and tacky. Definitely low on the social scale. Elena was about to brush past them without a second glance when one of them said something that caught her attention.

"It's a male date rape drug," the first woman was saying. She had improbably blond hair and her dress showed plenty of cleavage. "He'll give you anything you want, and I mean anything."

"Really?" The second woman, a redhead, seemed skeptical.

"No joke. Hey, I work for bio-engineering, and this is the real stuff. It gives women a slight buzz, but it makes men both horny and pliant. Something about the Y chromosome." She held up a vial of clear liquid with a giggle. "And the stuff keeps him hard as a rock. God, honey, he'll do whatever you want, and for hours. None of this in-and-out-and-done bullshit. It's the greatest invention for women since the hands-free vibrator. You have to try it on Rick."