Текст книги "Rock Bottom"

Автор книги: R. K. Lilley

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

DANIKA

I found him talking to Frankie and Estella and a small crowd of strangers.

I was a little confused about Frankie and Estella, since Frankie swore up and down that they weren’t technically dating, even though they were spending plenty of time together.  Estella stood very close to Frankie, her body language revealing her crush at a glance.

Frankie, on the other hand, stood very aloof, arms crossed over her chest, barely seeming to notice that the other woman was practically fawning over her.

I moved into the small circle of people, slipping under Tristan’s stiff arm without a word.

He didn’t so much as twitch, not sparing me even a glance.  His arm was held stiff, barely touching my shoulders, in fact making an effort to avoid as much contact as possible.

He was pissed.

I leaned into his side, my hand going to his abs, rubbing at the hard ridges prominent under his thin T-shirt as Frankie explained her filming schedule with the small crowd of L.A. hipster people that I didn’t know.

I watched in rapt fascination as Tristan’s other hand moved to mine, and pulled it carefully away from his body, keeping me from touching him.

He was so pissed.

Men were strange creatures, I thought.  Crazy aliens, really.

I waited a few minutes after he released my hand, then took up rubbing his stomach again, kneading at the firm flesh, working up his ribs to rub at one swollen peck.  I was getting myself worked up by the time he grabbed my hand and slowly pulled it away.  Again.

I patiently waited him out, pretending to listen to the group conversation with interest, slowly bringing my hand up to rub his abs again.  I knew for a fact that even a pissed off Tristan couldn’t turn me down for long.  The last time I’d put him in a pissy mood, all I’d had to do was go braless for a morning to get him to completely forget about it.  He tugged me away again.  I waited him out.  Again.

The next time I slipped my hand under his shirt, rubbing directly against his skin, pressing my breasts into his side.  It was taking him longer each time to pull my hand off, and this time it took him the longest of all, and I heard his breath hitch when he did it.

I waited patiently, then began to rub him again, over his shirt.  He just let me, and I knew I’d won.  We’d had plenty of stupid fights, but I was determined that this was not going to be one of them.

I continued to touch him, not looking at him, just pressing hard against him, my hand softly rubbing.

I loved the feel of him like nothing else, his firm flesh flexing under my fingers.  I dragged my hand up every hard ridge in his abdomen, then back down, over and over, working myself into a state, becoming needy for more.  More skin, more privacy, just more.  I used the heel of my hand to rub harder.

Finally, my body wound tight, I turned my head the slightest fraction, and quickly, furtively, I bit softly into his chest, loving the feel of him under my teeth.

I wasn’t quick or furtive enough.

“Don’t mind us.  Go right ahead and maul each other,” Frankie called out casually.

I ignored her.

She laughed.

“Excuse me,” Tristan said in a hard, quiet voice.  He extricated himself from me, turned on his heel, and strode away.  I stared after him, a little dumbstruck.  What the hell was his problem?

Frankie moved closer, and spoke more quietly.  “What’s up with him?”

I shrugged, giving Estella a small wave where she’d remained standing, chatting with hipster number whomever.

“How’s it going with Estella?” I asked her, changing the subject.

Frankie’s expression became very neutral.  “Who knows?  We’re just hanging out.  She’s hard to read, but I think she’s just curious about me.  I am a curiosity.”

“I don’t think that’s it.  I think she’s into you.  Like, really into you.  What’s hard to read is if you’re into her.”

Frankie didn’t look at all convinced.  “I’m not investing myself either way.  Like I said, we’re just hanging out.  She’s fun to spend time with.”

I studied her, not believing it.  I’d have bet she was more cautious than disinterested, but that obviously wasn’t the way she wanted to present it.

“Does she like…that stuff you like?” I asked.

She laughed.  “No, I don’t think so.  At least, she’s never done any of it, which is about the same thing.  Like I said, we’re just hanging out.”

“So you don’t do anything?  Like whatever you were doing in the back of my car type of stuff?”

She made a dismissive motion with her hand.  “We do some of that stuff, just messing around, though.  Friendly type of stuff.”

I felt my mouth curving wryly.  “That sounds familiar.  Here’s some advice:  If your friendly stuff ends in any orgasms, you are kidding yourself that you are just hanging out.”

She nodded at me, her smile mocking.  “Well, I guess you would know.  What’s going on with you and stud muffin, anyway?  He’s in an odd mood.”

And here we’d come, full circle.  Frankie was too tenacious to accept a subject change for long.

“He’s mad at me over something stupid.”

“How stupid?”

“Really stupid.”

“Alright, spill it.  What stupid thing did you do?  Let me guess!  Since this is Tristan, and he is mad at you, and not punching somebody else, it’s gotta be something where you, like, hurt his feelings?  Am I getting warm?”

I curled my lip at her.  “I won’t be telling you, since you’re in a snarky mood.”

“I was kidding!  Now tell me!”

“Let me go find him and make up first.  It’s no fun to tell you about it while it’s still going on.  Maybe after we make up.”

“Puh-lease!  If you find that man, I won’t see you again tonight.  You’ll be too busy ‘making up’ again.”

I could only hope she was right.

I didn’t find him for a long time, searching every room in the house.  I paused outside of an ajar door as I heard familiar voices speaking on the other side.  One of them was Dean, and just from his tone, I could tell he was up to no good.  Dean stirring up trouble was something I would recognize from a mile away.

“I’m telling you,” he was saying emphatically, “Tristan didn’t used to be like this.  There is just one thing that has turned him into a pain in our ass.”

“One person,” another deep male voice corrected.  This voice I recognized as well, since I’d just been introduced to the man.  It was the band’s record producer.  He was a white man in his forties that wore his baseball cap sideways, overused words like swagger, and tried to freestyle rap.  He called himself The Dutchman, and in my head, I’d already started thinking of him as The Doucheman.

I hadn’t been impressed with him, and where I saw this conversation leading just reaffirmed my opinion.

“Single Tristan wouldn’t be going back to Vegas every chance he got,” Dean continued.  “Single Tristan wouldn’t be refusing to go on a debut tour with the band because he couldn’t leave his girl for that long of a stretch.  There’d be no more fights, no more hissy fits.  I’m telling you, we’d have a brand new lead singer on our hands, if that bitch was out of the picture.”

“Getting rid of girlfriends is not part of my job description.”

“It’s not that complicated.  She’s a jealous mess.  The right combination of circumstances and one visit from our girl Nat would do it.”

I was glued to the wall, openly eavesdropping.

“Nat?  That blonde with the big fake titties?  The chick I banged last week?”

“Yeah.  That one.  She’ll help, I guarantee it, and there’s no one that could make Danika more jealous than Nat.”

“Oh yeah?  Why?  That Nat chick is busted.”

“Hell yeah.  You know Tristan used to be engaged to Nat, right?”

“Why the hell would he get engaged to Nat?  That chick’s a whore.”

I felt myself nodding agreement, even though I was by myself.

“She didn’t used to be like that.  It’s a long story.  The Nat you got and the Nat Tristan got are in two different leagues, but that’s beside the point.  What I’m saying is, no one can make Danika more jealous than Nat, since Nat used to have Tristan’s ring on her finger.  And Nat is cooperative. She’d do anything to break those two up.  All we have to do is set it up.  Get Danika to catch those two naked together, however we make that happen, and no more Danika.  Just that easy, we’d have our lead singer back, full-time.”

“That’s fine, man.  Set it up.  You guys need to go on tour, so do what you need to do to get Tristan on board.”

I moved quietly away, more disgusted than worried.  I’d known Dean was a dirtball, but this was too low, even for him.

My first instinct was to tell Tristan about what I’d heard the second I saw him, but the longer I looked with no luck, and thought about Dean’s plan, the more I was inclined to keep it to myself.

Their entire sordid scheme was based on my reaction, and now, with me expecting it, and hearing first hand just what lengths they were willing to go to, I knew they’d be that easy to predict.  I had it all settled in my mind before I found Tristan.  I’d watch, and wait, and expect a setup.  There was no way in hell I’d give them what they wanted.  Now if I thought of Nat with Tristan, my gut didn’t twist up with anxious jealousy.  Now I was just disgusted.  And prepared.

I continued to search through the house, and the backyard, even combing some of the beach that attached to the property from one long wooden walkway.

Finally, I tracked Tristan down back in our room.  He was laying on the bed, still fully clothed, one arm thrown across his eyes, the room dark.

I sighed and shut the door behind me.  “Where’d you go?” I asked.  I’d checked in here twice during my search.

“I took a walk on the beach.  More of a run, actually.”

“You still mad?”

He didn’t answer, which was answer enough, if his toneless voice hadn’t been enough of a clue.

I switched on the lamp by the bed, then sat at his hip, my hand going to his stomach.  “Do you want to talk?”

“No.  Talking is exactly what I don’t want to do.”

“Then what can I do?  You’re obviously upset, and I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

“I know.  I think that’s almost worse.”  He stood up, and began to pace.  “Here’s what I want; I want you to quit treating this, us, like less than it is.  Quit analyzing us to death, and for the love of God, stop thinking that our sex life is not enough for me.  I have a lot of fucking problems, and to say that isn’t one of them is the understatement of a lifetime.”

I kept my eyes on him as I reached for a pillow, tossing it on the ground, directly in his path.  It made him stop, glancing down at the pillow, then at me, his annoyed expression working itself into a puzzled one.

I smiled as I moved to the pillow, dropping to my knees.

His breath punched out hard as my hands went to the fly of his jeans, working it open.  I had him loose and hard in my hand with a few quick movements, never looking away from his shuttered gaze.

“I didn’t mean it the way it came out.  I wasn’t trying to belittle anything about us.  It was just a misunderstanding.  Is there anything you can think of that might get you out of this black mood I put you in?”

“Fuuuck,” came out of his mouth as a long curse, even as he shrugged off his shirt, tossing it aside, and buried his hands in my hair.  “Show me what you had in mind?”

I smiled, pleased by his about-face.  I ran my hands up and down his stomach, just reaching to the bottom of his chest, and feeling my way down again.

I knelt at his feet, looking up at him, running my eyes over his tall form.  I traced his abs with my fingertips, running my hands over his body until I reached his lean hips.  He was ripped and huge, but I’d have sworn there wasn’t an ounce of fat on him.  I was rubbing the V-cut of his pelvis, utterly fascinated by the shape of it, when I asked, “I take it you’ve been getting plenty of gym time out here?”

The question was rhetorical.  His body was as impeccable as ever.  But he answered me anyway.

“As much as I can.  That’s the only way to blow off steam over here.  That and jacking off in the shower.”

I smiled, leaning my cheek on his thigh and gazing up at him mischievously.  “And how many showers do you take a day over here?”

“Not nearly as many as I did back in the day when you were shaking your little ass at me, and then not letting me touch it.”

I giggled.

“I’m not gonna lie, though.  I take a shower the second we get off the phone with each other.”

“And what do you think about us doing while you’re getting off?”

He grabbed one of my hands, gripping it around his base.  “This is a good start.  Having you on your knees is definitely on my playlist.”

I licked my lips, using a firm touch to stroke him.  “Do you want to know what’s on my playlist?”

He gripped my hair in his fists.  “I do.  But don’t expect me to last longer than two seconds if you start talking dirty.”

“That’s okay.  You’re always good for a round two, right?”

“Fuck yeah.”

“Well, then…I like to get off to fantasies about you tying me up and blindfolding me.  I pleasure myself to the memory of being completely at your mercy.

His breath punched out of his lungs in a powerful whoosh.  “Fuck.”

I never stopped touching his spectacular body as I took him in my mouth.

I moaned at the delicious feel of his tip slipping past my lips, the hard velvet heat of him between my lips making moisture pool between my thighs.  I stroked him with my mouth, my throat, savoring every thick, turgid inch of him that I could take, bobbing my head.

He gripped my hair hard enough to sting, cursing, praising, and as he pushed deep enough to make me gag, apologizing profusely.  I never stopped, sucking in hard pulls, taking as much of him as I could handle.

He never was one to last long for a blowjob, and he was cursing as warm liquid shot down my throat less than two minutes after I’d taken him in my mouth.

He was also never one to be selfish, and so he had me on my back on the bed, skirt up, panties down, working me with his clever, busy tongue, and those magic, rapid fingers.

I doubted I lasted two minutes.

I was still panting from my orgasm when he crawled on top of me, his hips sliding between my thighs.  He took me languidly, leisurely, whispering sweet somethings in my ear.

“I love you too,” I told him, kissing his neck, when we’d finished.

He reared back, cupping my face in his hands.  “It’s one thing to be jealous in the present.  That I can handle.  But this fixation on who I used to be, on things I can’t go back in time and change, this I can’t take, especially when you’re using it to belittle what you and I have.

“Just do me this favor, sweetheart.  Quit comparing what we have to anything I’ve had before, or anything you’ve had before.  You and me, we’re different.  This is different.  More.”

I nodded, kissing him.  There was no question; it was incalculably more for me.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

DANIKA

Every single time he came back from L.A., be it days or weeks after he’d left, it felt like the distance between us had gotten just a little bit bigger.  It killed me, and I obsessed constantly over ways to change it.

“How is it going over there?” I asked him, as I often did.

It was a very casual question that was not at all casual for me.

“It’s a rough fucking scene.  The album is getting done, but not fast enough.  Dean and Kenny aren’t getting along.  Hell, all of us are pretty much fighting constantly.  Drugs are going around like candy, and I’m drinking Jack for breakfast.”

“You need to take better care of yourself,” I chided him, feeling sick to my stomach.

He gave me a rueful smile.  “Yes, I do.  And if I really wanted to do what’s best for myself, I’d never leave your side.  I’d just stay here and never go back.”

I felt selfish for asking, but I couldn’t keep it in.  “So why do you keep going back?”

“I don’t know what else to do.  For better or worse, this is the only thing that gives me direction in my life right now.  Otherwise, I’d just be following you around like a lovesick puppy every day.”

I wanted to shake him and tell him that I didn’t care about that.  He could follow me forever.  I didn’t care if he worked.  I’d take care of him.  Anything he needed, I’d try to provide.

But I knew him better.  He had too much pride to ever let me do that.

While the emotional gap between us seemed to build, our wild craving for each other never waned, just becoming more desperate with every reunion.  Sex was never, ever the problem for us.  But it also wasn’t enough, not on its own.  But sometimes, occurring more and more often, it felt like it might be all we had.

He would come to me strung out, and uncommunicative, serious and unsmiling.  Where had all those easy, readable smiles gone?  Nowadays, I had to work for his smiles, and it was killing me.

“I can feel you slipping away from me,” I’d say, or, “What can I do to make you feel better?”  Often, in fact, most times, that would draw him out of it, and if he spent a few days with me, he was more sober than not and never partook in anything harder than liquor.

But he was with me less and less.

It had become a pattern; waiting for Tristan.  He was always late, never rushing to see me anymore.

The fight started because of one drink too many, as they tended to be these days.

 We were planning on going to go to a Halloween party at Cory and Kenny’s apartment.  Tristan was supposed to pick me up at Bev’s house, but he was two hours late, and I wound up going to pick him up.

He was passed out on his bed, lights out.  With the hallway light flooding in from behind me, I could see that he was wearing an Iron Man costume T-shirt.

I’d gotten dressed up in costume, and was all set to go out, but one look at him and I gave up.  He’d obviously had a rough week, and come to think of it, so had I.  Just as well to get some rest, and hopefully spend some time together in the morning.

I went to use the bathroom, and when I came back out, he was up, leaning against the wall, the lights on.  He looked tired, but awake at least.

He studied me, his eyes hooded.  “What kind of a costume is that?”

I was wearing a pink wig with a ninja headband, and a little red kimono.  I thought it was a great costume.

I did a little twirl for him on my ninja sandals.  “I’m Sakura.”

“What the hell is a Sakura?”

I fluffed at my wig.  “Well, sakura means cherry blossom in Japanese, but what I’m dressed as is the character Sakura from Naruto.  She’s a cute little ninja with pink hair.”

“What the hell is Naruto?”

I rolled my eyes.  “Only the most popular anime like ever.  Cute little blond fox boy with a tragic past that has mad ninja skills?  You’ve seriously never heard of it?”

“Never.”

“Shut the front door!  That’s the next show on our list!”

“Yeah, no, that ain’t happening.  I don’t watch cartoons.”

“It’s an anime.  It’s good.  There’s action, love, tragedy.  A lot of tragedy.  Poor Naruto loses both of his parents when he’s a baby, and his whole village shuns him.  And then his best friend joins the Akatsuki, this evil shinobi gang.  Oh, and there are so many characters that it’s virtually impossible to keep track.”

“Not selling it, sweetheart.  And I won’t even ask what the hell a shinobi is.  Well, you look adorable, even if I’m still not sure what you are.  Let’s go check out this stupid party.”

“We don’t have to.  You look really tired.  Why don’t we just stay in?  Catch up on sleep.”

He shook his head, looking resigned.  “No.  I said I’d go, and Dean will be relentless if I miss it.  He’ll say you made me stay home again.”

I hated that Tristan still cared so much what that jerk thought about him.  About us.  Dean was like a slow acting poison, the effect he had on the people around him getting stronger and more apparent over time.

“So what?  Don’t you get that he’s going to instigate and talk trash and try to make us both look bad?  That’s what he always does, and you’re a sucker for falling for it after all this time.”

He held a hand up, looking annoyed.  “Enough.  I don’t want to hear it.  We don’t need to go over this again.  Let’s just go to the party.”

I dropped it.  I knew that tone.  He was not to be messed with at the moment.

He grabbed his Iron Man mask off the bed, and we took off for the costume party.

If I’d hoped the party would draw him out of his mood, it was not meant to be.  He snagged a drink the second we walked in the door, though I could tell he’d been drinking long before I’d shown up at his place.

Still, I held my tongue at the first drink.  The second one that Dean passed to him, I intercepted, trying and failing to be subtle about it.

Tristan gave me an unfriendly eyebrow lift.

Dean hooted, pointing at Tristan.  “See what I told you, man?  Pussy whipped.  Where are your balls?  She carry them around in her purse now?”

I ignored him.  “You’ve had enough, don’t you think?  You already passed out once tonight, and I can’t carry you home.”

Dean kept going, and Tristan’s glower grew darker by the second.

I couldn’t believe how pigheaded he was, how unbelievably easy it was for Dean to get under his skin.  It was too much, to have what little time we had together spoiled by Dean like this, and my temper began to boil.  Add that temper to Tristan being drunk and belligerent, and us rarely seeing each other and we had the ingredients to a pretty nasty fight on our hands.

“Seriously, how much of our minutes per week together do you want to be passed out for?” I asked him, my voice quiet.

Dean still heard, and of course made a few inflammatory comments.

“Enough,” Tristan told me, his voice low and mean.  “Not another word.  I don’t want to hear it.  You’ve sucked my dick way too many times to be acting like my mother.”

That was it.  I was done.

Without another word, I turned on my heel and left.

I was at the car when I felt him behind me.

I whirled on him, glaring.

“That was so completely out of line,” I told him, my voice near a shout.

He threw his arms up in the air, his expression conciliatory.  “I know.  I’m sorry.  As soon as the words left my mouth, I was sorry.  I’ve been in a foul mood, and I didn’t mean to take it out on you.  Dean is more than I can take right now.”

“Forget Dean.  He’s bad for you.  Can’t you see that?  You should be staying as far away from him as you can.”

“It’s a bit late for that now.  I’m fucking stuck with him, thanks to this record deal.”  His tone changed, his eyes getting soft.  I could never fight those soft golden eyes of his.  “But you’re right.  Let’s forget about him.”  He moved close, pulling me against his chest, his big hand stroking over my hair with a feather light touch.

I let myself relax against him for a moment, unable to resist him for long, as usual.  “The drinking has gotten out of hand, Tristan, and I don’t even want to know what else you’ve been using.  Can’t you stay away from it all for even the few days you see me?  Because if you can’t, that’s a good sign there’s a problem.”

“No, no, I can stay away.  You’re right.  I’ll lay off it, sweetheart.  I’m just wound up so tight.  Things have been tense.  I can quit any time, though.  Stopping on the weekends is no problem.”

My stomach tried to tie itself into some elaborate knots.  Even he didn’t sound convinced.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his hands rubbing my shoulders.  “I love you, sweetheart.”

“Do you have any idea how much shit I will take from Dean about that comment you made?” I complained after we’d been standing like that for a while.  “He didn’t need an excuse to talk nasty to me, but you’ve given him one.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” he said tersely, pulling back, his mood changing with a few short sentences.  “What’s he been saying to you?”

I immediately backpedaled.  Someone needed to kick Dean’s ass, but it didn’t need to be Tristan.

“Never mind,” I murmured, cuddling back into his chest.

He backed away.  “No.  I want to know what you’re talking about.”

I dug in stubbornly.  “It’s stupid.  Pointless to talk about when we have so many other things to discuss.”

“What things?”

“The fact that you’re always late.  And more and more, you don’t answer my calls.  The fact that you’re abusing your body on a regular basis.  I’m not even seeing the half of it, but what I’ve seen is worrisome, and you tell me all the time that it’s worse when we’re apart.  I think we need to look into some sort of grief counseling for you…and I think you need to start looking into getting some help for the substance abuse.”

He went stiff, his eyes going icy.  “You just can’t help it, can you?  Will you let up on the nagging for five fucking minutes?”

Without another word, he stormed off.

I felt like I’d been slapped.  I stood there, stunned, for a long time, before I followed him.

I couldn’t figure out where that had come from.  I didn’t think I nagged.  In fact, I’d gone out of my way not to mention any of his bad habits, especially where alcohol was concerned, for a long time.  I felt almost guilty at all the things I’d overlooked in my sympathy for what he was going through.

I was hurt by his words, but even so, I followed behind him.

He had too many weapons against me.  Showing me his worst, then his best, followed by his withdrawal.  Cold, then hot, then gone.  His arsenal was too much for my smitten self, custom set to push all of my buttons.

It was a fact that I’d do just about anything to get more of his best.

It took me a long time to track him down.  The apartment was small and crowded, and I kept getting stopped by the people I knew at the party to talk about costumes and the band.

I finally found him in the kitchen, talking to Kenny.  I nodded at Kenny before moving to Tristan’s side, eyeing him carefully.

His face was stiff and blank, but he threw his arm around my shoulders as soon as I was within reach, kissing me on the head, and murmuring a barely perceptible, ”I’m sorry,” into my hair.

“S’okay,” I whispered back.

“I’m an ass.”

I smiled in spite of myself.  “Only sometimes.”

“Let’s do something special next weekend.  I know a guy with a place on the beach.  Let’s go take a weekend for ourselves.”

I turned on him, smiling brilliantly.  “I can’t think of anything I’d like more.”

“And I’ll cool off on the booze.  For you.”

I hugged him as hard as my skinny arms were able to.  “Love you.  More than you know.”

“Right back at you, sweetheart.  I’d be lost without you.”

I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him.  An affectionate peck had been my intent, but it wasn’t Tristan’s.  We were making out with no shame between one breath and the next.

Kenny had been standing somewhere close to chat with Tristan, but we never even excused ourselves.  In fact, we never got another glance at him after that.

My arms wrapped around his neck, my fingers threading through his hair.

His hands went to my ass, pressing our bodies as close as they would go.  We were nowhere close to private, but his hands working on my butt had me moaning out loud.

He pulled back, cursing, laughing.  “Come on,” he muttered, tugging me out of the kitchen with his hand.  He led me into the hallway bathroom, slamming the door shut behind us, and pulling me hard against him.

“I can’t wait.  It’s been so long,” he muttered, turning me to face the sink.

“We should have taken the edge off before we left your place.”  I smiled.

“No shit.  What were we thinking?”

I didn’t mention that he’d been drunk.  I didn’t want to spoil the moment.

He bent me over the bathroom sink, pushing up my red kimono and rocking hard into me.

I gripped the faucet for dear life, crying out his name.  Even knowing we’d get grief for it later, I couldn’t seem to keep quiet.  It just felt too good, too perfect, the rough glide of him, in and out, in and out, his hands gripping my hips, holding me perfectly still while he rammed in and dragged out, over and over.

“This right here,” he rasped out with one long thrust, “this is what I fucking live for.  So good, Danika, so fucking good.”

I was embarrassed after.  We’d made a scene and then a racket.  I blushed even as we cleaned up.  I didn’t want to show my face after that, but there was no emergency exit out of the bathroom, so we didn’t have much choice.

Tristan was grinning like a fool when he saw my pink cheeks.  “If anyone harasses you about it, I’ll kick their ass, okay?”

I rolled my eyes.  “I hope you’re joking.”

It was hours before we got out of there, and I could have sworn I was blushing the whole time.

Tristan lay on his back, hands folded behind his head.  We were back in his apartment, in his bed, and I was cupping him in my hand, laying half on top of him to watch his face.

His eyes were hooded, his tone unreadable.  “Go ahead, Danika, make it all better.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that, aside from you, my life is shit.  So please, if you love me, do what you do, and make me forget that for a while.”

He broke my heart when he said things like that.

I kissed his chest, his hands, his abs, soft, loving kisses.  If I could have healed him with my devotion, he would stop hurting, and I tried to show him that with every tender touch.

My touch was just as soft as I gripped his hard length, and took him into my mouth.  His touch was not soft at all as he gripped my hair and growled for me to suck harder.

Normally, in fact, always that I could remember, he would have reciprocated, but he didn’t that night.  Instead, the taste of him lingering in my mouth, he fell asleep, still cupped in my hands.

I lay awake for a long time, stroking his hair, watching him sleep, like a mama bear with a cub, knowing he was slipping away, knowing he was on the wrong path, a path that was bad for him and agonizing over what I could do to help him.