Текст книги "Insomvita"

Автор книги: Oleksandr Dan

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Then he heard a woman’s voice…

“Sleep peacefully, deeply… You are falling into deep sleep… deeper…even deeper.” Someone’s powerful voice became increasingly loud in Robert’s head.

Suddenly he realized that the voice was coming from inside his dream, and he could hear it, even though his memory and his being remained on this side of the dream.

The sensation was wholly new to him and Robert could not believe in the reality of what was happening, so he listened. There were voices all around, but the woman’s voice was distinct. Another voice, male, echoed in his head, but his words were muffled. So, Robert decided to relax fully and try to understand what was really happening to him.

Eventually, the fog began to lift and the voices became discernible. For a moment, Robert thought he himself was participating in the dialog.

Then everything became clear to him…

Chapter 8

Amanda’s soft voice was coming from the portable voice recorder standing alone on the table in front of Trevor.

“Sleep peacefully, deeply… You are falling into a deep sleep… deeper…even deeper.”

After a small pause, Amanda continued: “Trevor, you can speak now. Tell me, how old are you?”

“Forty… one…” Trevor mumbled.

“Good… Good…” said Amanda steadily. “What is your name?”

“Trevor.” His speech was slurred and barely audible.

“Good, Trevor. Let’s go back two days. Where are you?”

“Geneva,” Trevor replied quietly. “Hotel… Big room…”

“What do you see,” asked Amanda.

“Diamonds… Safe…” Trevor said, barely moving his lips.

There was a click in the recording. It was a tape defect or the recording had stopped there, but it swiftly resumed.

“Okay, Trevor. Now, let’s go back to yesterday. Morning…” Amanda said firmly with confidence.

Suddenly Trevor’s voice became clear: “Amanda?! I can’t see anything… What happened? How did she do that?” the voice cried out.

“Trevor, I induced sleep hypnosis. You are under the influence of my suggestion,” Amanda’s voice was firm and slow. “I want you to go back to yesterday…”

“Amanda, Amanda, it’s alright! To hell with yesterday! I can’t see anything… I am here… Is this a dream? You are my dream? I guess…” Trevor was agitated.

Amanda induced sleep hypnosis, but for some reason Trevor did not act the way her patients usually did. His body tensed, his eyelids began to throb, and so she decided to cut the session short.

“Trevor, you are in a state of sleep hypnosis. Try to calm down. Everything is fine.” Amanda’s voice was also agitated, but it remained firm. “I will start the countdown now and you will wake up.”

“Stop, Amanda. Stop! Don’t do it! How do I explain this?.. This is the one chance in a thousand for me! Even if he wakes up, convince him to have another session."

“Who wakes up?” Amanda asked. The session clearly was not going as planned and something had to be done about it.

“Trevor… I mean me… I mean… I need to explain something to you.”

“Okay, Trevor, don’t worry so much. Calm down. Your body is very tense. It is very hard to maintain control like that. Relax.” Amanda passed a hand over Trevor’s eyes. “What do you see?”

“I told you, nothing. I see nothing, my eyes are closed… You are good, you know! We need to speak calmly about this, now. I can hear you so clearly!”

Amanda looked at Trevor. He was lying on the couch, relaxed, without an emotion showing on his face. She was very confused. Trevor from the sleep hypnosis spoke with her surprisingly loudly and clearly. Most importantly, it was as though he was not under her suggestive power at all. Rather, she got the impression that he was trying to communicate on his own, not just answer questions, as what usually happens when a hypnotherapist works with a patient.

She contemplated the situation. This was the first time something like this had happened in all her years as a psychologist.

Meanwhile, Trevor continued: “Amanda, you and I need to figure out what is happening to me. Or to him… Well, we need to figure out who is who.”

Amanda listened, growing even more confused. Her eyes were wide open and she did not understand what she was hearing.

“Well, and who might you be then?” she finally asked.

The idea of a split personality came to mind and she tried to recall the symptoms of the disorder. The thought calmed her a bit, since she could rationally explain what was happening.

“I am Robert,” the voice answered, “Robert from the other life of Trevor.”

“Robert?” Amanda asked again. “What other life?”

“A very real one, but another. At least, that’s what I think. Although sometimes I am not so sure. But right now, you are my dream. And everything that is happening to Trevor – that is my dream, do you understand? And you are also my dream. Oh my God, I am talking to my dream! Unbelievable!”

“You are talking to your dream?” Amanda asked, confused. “How long has this been going on for?”

“This is all very strange and complicated. For so long that I can no longer understand who is who.”

“Trevor, I don’t think I quite understand.”

“Amanda, I am Robert, I am, like, inside Trevor’s consciousness, I mean, he is inside mine. Well, not exactly inside me. He exists in my dreams. Well, how do I explain this… But this is the first time this has happened! I’ve never experienced this before.”

“Ok, fine. You are Robert. But you say everything is very complicated. Can you explain to me clearly from which dream you are talking to me?”

Amanda regained her composure and decided to end the session.

“I only have one dream and one dream only, and that is the life of Trevor. Please, just listen to me without interrupting and, maybe, you will understand.”

The voice from the recorder told the incredible story of Robert’s life on the other side of the dream, the diaries he kept, recording everything that was happening to Trevor, the feelings and doubts of the reality of his world.

This was the second time Amanda had listened to the story, but now she was looking intently at Trevor. She was confused, excited and intrigued by what she heard. A completely different person was living inside Trevor, about whom he had no idea and who had been observing this from inside his dream for nearly thirty years. Robert truly believed that he was sleeping at the moment and dreaming. He could not influence Trevor’s life and actions in any way, couldn’t reveal himself in any way, as what usually happens in split personalities, but he wanted to figure out for himself what the reality was and what the dream was.

“… My world is almost the same as how I see Trevor’s world in my dreams,” continued Robert. “But we are so different, living in different countries, having different circles of friends and acquaintances, different professions, jobs, and at the same time I see my world as reality every second and every minute. I haven’t seen any other dreams in my life. Only one – about Trevor."

Amanda was so captivated by the conversation that she completely lost any sense of time, while the voice kept talking. There was something fascinating in his story, but it was a story of a healthy, it would seem, person, who objectively evaluates everything around him, a person, seeking a way out of the situation he is in.

Amanda tried to stop the session, but the voice kept asking her not to. He needed to speak; he was seeking answers to his questions. Amanda was encountering this phenomenon for the first time, which was why her only guess was split personality. She could not think of any other explanation for the moment.

Right, it must be dissociative identity disorder, but in some weird, incredible form, thought Amanda, while the voice inside Trevor told about the other side of his life.

Suddenly Amanda said: “Robert, if your life is so realistic, are there psychologists or psychiatrists in your world?”

“Of course, there are… I guess. I hope there are,” Robert answered unconvincingly. “Do you think I’m crazy?”

“No, Robert, of course not,” Amanda replied quickly. “Here’s what I thought… I’d like to propose something to you… in the other, your life. But you have to treat this very seriously. I have an idea here. Let’s conduct an experiment, but I will need your help for this… and the help of a professional…"

Amanda had no doubt that she was seeing dissociative identity disorder and she wanted to check if there were any other personalities inside Trevor’s subconscious. In some people, different, sometimes diametrically opposed personalities co-existed, including those that consider themselves experts in psychology, and they were usually the ones who helped establish and identify other personalities existing in the patient’s subconscious. Amanda decided to summon this personality from Trevor’s subconscious. She explained the experiment to Robert. However, she also believed that there could be another, negative consequence of this experiment. The situation could swiftly deteriorate, and then it would be very difficult to go back, even impossible.

“Robert, you must understand that during such a session everything could get out of your… your psychologist’s control. If your condition is what I think it is, there is a risk that you will disappear as a personality from Trevor’s subconscious for some time.”

“What do you mean disappear? I don’t understand. Disappear where?”

“You see, as a result of direct interference, a kind of replacement could happen in Trevor’s subconscious, where one personality will replace another. Maybe that is when we will find the answers to your questions. But you, Robert, could disappear for a while.”

“You believe this is dissociative identity disorder?”

“I don’t believe anything right now. I am only dealing with the facts as I see them: I have a patient on my couch in a state of hypnosis, while somebody, who does not identify himself with my patient, never manifested himself in his life, but only observed him throughout his life from somewhere inside his subconscious, is talking to me.”

“Can separate personalities of one and the same person really live separate lives beyond their consciousness, have their own history, separate worlds?”

“Well, that’s what we need to figure out. You, as someone who identifies himself separately, should understand that if there are other personalities in Trevor’s subconscious, you could disappear for a while with your world, history and life, which you feel is real. Somebody else could replace you. It is totally possible."

“You think that my life in this… in my world is not real? Just Trevor’s imagination?”

“If I think otherwise, then all my answers and your communication with me are just a creation of your brain. This would mean that me and this world and our conversation exist merely in your imagination.”

“How will a psychologist help us?” Robert asked after doing something thinking.

“With his help we will try to at least identify you and identify other personalities in Trevor’s subconscious, if any. You see, no matter how you identify yourself, for me you are the one living in Trevor’s subconscious. I’d like to experiment with your psychologist. Maybe, you won’t even find him. But if he does exist, maybe, that is just another personality. There may be many personalities. We need to define their number and then we will be able understand what, or, most likely, who we are dealing with.”

“That just doesn’t make sense, Amanda. I have a completely different memory than Trevor. I live my own life here and up until today I could not manifest myself in Trevor’s life in any way. I have a job here, fiancée, friends, circumstances, ultimately… Trevor’s life is my permanent dream, and nothing more. As for his life, I am just a bystander in it.”

“I understand that, Robert. The capabilities of our brain have not been studied enough, and some of its functions haven’t been studied at all, remaining a mystery for scientists. It’s psychology 101."

“Amanda, you must understand that now, when you complete this session, I will wake up and go about my business. Right now, at this very moment, I am at a hotel in London, and in a few hours I have a flight to catch to Prague, where my colleagues and my girlfriend are waiting for me. And at night, when I fall asleep, I will dream again, and see the world through Trevor’s eyes. It has always been like this.”

“Well, let’s at least try to do that, Robert. We have to start somewhere. A brain is a very complicated thing to study. We will try to find the truth through the subconscious. This is important, especially for you, because you are the one who is seeking it. Right?”

“Alright,” agreed Robert after a while. “We will do it. I fly to Prague tomorrow and I will try to find a psychiatrist. But what do I say to him? How do I explain everything?”

“You don’t need to explain anything to him. Just tell him everything you know about yourself and he will decide what to do. I am sure he will agree to the experiment.”

“How much time do we have?”

“I don’t know. If we stick to your convictions, you are the one in control and we are merely a part of your dream. But seriously speaking, I think we have a day, two at the most. I will try to schedule another appointment with Trevor for tomorrow.”

Amanda ended the conversation and woke Trevor.

The voice recorder stopped.

Trevor and Amanda sat opposite each other and were silent.

Finally, Amanda spoke. This time, her voice was not as steady as at the start of the session.

“Trevor, psychology can ultimately explain a lot. It seems to me that we’ve got a lot of work to do. It is complicated because this is a unique case in my practice. I have never seen anything like it.”

Trevor looked at Amanda, but couldn’t say a word. He could not understand what had just happened. It did not fit into the limits of ordinary concepts and his perception of things.

“That was me?” He finally forced himself to speak.

“It is totally possible that was you. Or one of your personalities.”

“How is this possible?” asked Trevor. He was in a state of shock.

“The human brain is a mystery even for us psychologists. I only wanted to take you back to yesterday, two days ago and then dig a bit into your past. But you heard it all.”

“Amanda, is this really possible? Is this a disease?”

“What is possible? Multiple personalities? It is possible. There is a scientific term for it too – dissociative identity disorder. I wouldn’t call it a disease, though. It’s something else…”

“What happens to me now?”

“Nothing, I think… I hope… If you’ve lived with this up until now, without suspecting anything, it is possible that everything will go back to the way it was before today.”

Amanda then tried to explain to Trevor that some psychologists, and also individuals who identify themselves as having a split personality, believe that this condition is not a disorder, but rather a natural variation of human consciousness that has nothing to do with dissociation. She herself could not understand what she was dealing with, and so what she was saying was as much for herself as for Trevor.

Trevor, however, was uncertain. He thought Amanda was just trying to calm him down.

“You see, Trevor, many psychiatrists do not agree with the definition of multiple personality syndrome as a definitive disorder, but consider multiple personalities as mental disorder, that is, not a disease. Here, for example…" She looked around, went to a bookshelf, and came back with a big medical encyclopedia.

“Here.” She flipped through several pages, found what she was looking for, and read: “Anthropologists Suryani and Gordon Jensen are convinced that the phenomenon of vivid trance in the community of Bali has the same phenomenological nature as the multiple personality phenomenon in the West. It is claimed that the people in shamanic cultures who experience multiple personalities do not define these personalities as a part of themselves, but as independent souls or spirits. There is no evidence of a link between multiple personalities, disassociation and the recovery of memories or sexual abuse in these cultures. In traditional cultures, multiple personalities shown, for example, by shamans or African sorcerers, are not considered a disorder or a disease.”

“I don’t know anything about that, Amanda. I don’t understand a thing,” Trevor said dejectedly. He looked at Amanda and asked hopefully: “This is not a joke?”

“At first, I thought so too… And to say that I am very confused about what happened is to say nothing. Let’s see tomorrow, if you don’t mind. We will prepare for the conversation more thoroughly tomorrow and try to understand what your subconscious has in store for us.”

“So, that’s it for today?” he asked, confused.

“Yes. I say we meet tomorrow at the same time and have another session. I recommend you rest today. Set aside all your business and thoughts. Just relax emotionally and psychologically. Go to a night club. That might work. Try not to think about what happened. Okay?”

“Relaxing is all I’ve been doing lately,” Trevor grumbled.

* * *

Robert opened his eyes. He woke up as suddenly as he had fallen asleep. It seemed as though the bed simply spit him out from somewhere inside the thick mattress. He was still very confused, as if he had been startled awake from a nightmare, and tried to concentrate. His heart was racing and his brain felt as though it was about to explode.

Robert was not simply confused; he was surprised, shocked, stunned, because he just went from being a passive bystander to an active participant in his dream. That was something he had not expected.

It was clear that Amanda could hear him and answer his questions. This was the first time in Robert’s life that he had had direct conscious contact and even a dialog with the world of his dream. Robert had often thought about this, but when it finally happened, he was not ready and did not know where to start. He decided that it was his only chance to find the truth and wanted to remain in that state for as long as he could.

He needed answers, but for that he had to convince Amanda that his existence here, in this world, separately from Trevor, was real. She had asked him to speak about himself, and Robert excitedly shared the story of his life on this side of the dream with her.

But then everything disappeared just as fast as it had appeared, leaving Robert alone with his thoughts and doubts.

What had happened to him further complicated Robert’s already difficult situation, plunging him greater into uncertainty and hardly helping him to find the thread that could lead him to unravel his psychological state.

Robert slowly got up, took out a red-bound diary from his suitcase, sat down at the table and began writing in detail everything that happened to him in the dream. As he was finishing, he wrote “PSYCHIATRIST. URGENTLY!!!” in big letters at the bottom of the page and underlined the words three times.

Just three hours remained before his flight and Robert hurriedly left the hotel room. He decided he would find a psychiatrist as soon as he returned to Prague to conduct the experiment proposed by Amanda. This had to be done as soon as possible.

Chapter 9

16 December 2011. 11:25 Geneva, Switzerland

Trevor, conflicted with emotion, left Amanda’s office and headed towards his hotel, thinking about what just happened. He was deeply confused about what the psychologist had told him.

There was another person living inside him!

I have a split personality, he thought. I’m demented. I guess I’m demented! I am a mentally ill person and I will probably have to get some sort of treatment.

Trevor tried to think about what he knew about mental illnesses. Shots of some black and white films came to mind: insane people in straitjackets with wide straps buckled behind their backs, bloodshot eyes, crazy looks, desperate screams, wild laughter, convulsions, and shock therapy.

Trevor’s knowledge in this field was extremely poor, but it was enough to provoke panic. He trembled as he walked along the street.

Amanda watched him from behind a slightly opened curtain with concern. The phone started ringing. She picked up and after a brief pause answered: “Yes, I found out, but it’s not so simple… Something's changed, and I will need a little more time. I’d like to reschedule everything for tomorrow.” She listened to a man’s voice and quietly replied, “Yes, this is very important… to me.”

Trevor crossed the street and, having forgotten about his meeting with Jovan, continued to walk uncertainly along the paved road.

Amanda’s words were throbbing in his head: “Shamans, African sorcerers.”

He recalled driving with a BBC crew and Etienne on a bumpy dirt road in the jungles of Sierra Leone at the end of the 1990s.

* * *

In a village, sixty miles northeast of Freetown, where they stopped for the night, the reporters stumbled upon some festival of the local Yoruba[21]21
  Yoruba (Ọmọ Yorùbá) is an ethnic group that inhabits West Africa (from the mouth of the Niger River to the Gulf of Guinea): Nigeria, Togo, Benin, Ghana. There is also a small diaspora in Canada. The Yoruba constitute nearly 40 million people.


[Закрыть] people.

The locals treated the foreigners with cameras surprisingly peacefully, allowed them to spend the night and even invited them to participate in the festivities under the condition that all cameras remained in the car.

In the evening, the whole village gathered near the round reed hut of the chief.

Trevor was treated to some local drink made of the fruits of a marula[22]22
  Marula (Sclerocarya birrea) is a deciduous tree of the sumac family. The tree has a wide crown and grey mottled bark and grows up to 18 m. It is indigenous to the woodlands of South and West Africa.


[Закрыть] that had a very unpleasant sour taste and affected the brain like a “blow from a mule’s hoof”, as the locals joked. Sometime later, when Trevor began to recover, he realized that he almost could not feel his body and only his brain was clearly showing “signs of life”. In addition, as it turned out later, the drink accelerated perception of his surroundings.

Everyone was dancing to the beat of a sad song and rhythm of special, ritual drums carved from a tree trunk called a Bata. Later, the intensity of the drums increased so much that the movements of the dancers resembled convulsions. The volume of the chanting would sometimes muffle even the sounds of the Bata.

One of the men set fire to a wide ring on the ground, evoking ominous shadows and reflections. The drums died down and everybody stopped to watch the circle of fire.

An enchanter with a long staff, to which a dozen small white monkey skulls were attached, knocking loudly against each other in time with his movements, entered the circle through a narrow passage.

The drums resumed their beat and the men and women began to dance synchronously.

Not feeling his body, Trevor moved to the rhythm of the drums together with the rest.

The enchanter was dressed in bright sheet that loosely fit his body.

As thin as a skeleton, he bent over and began to spin inside the circle of fire. His face grew calm in the flashes of fire but it soon transformed into menacing grimaces. He gritted his thin, uneven, yellow teeth and shouted something in an unfamiliar language.

Then suddenly he fell silent, stood up and raised his hand to the sky. Several small grey bones flew from his palm before scattering around him inside the circle of fire. The enchanter leaned forward and looked intently at the bones. Then he straightened up, stretched out his arms and began to whisper some spells while staring at the sky. His eyes, covered by a white fog, looked unnerving.

The drumming grew faster, louder.

The sorcerer, with his arms still spread wide, began to rise.

When he reached a meter and a half above the ground, he dropped his staff.

The dancing became more frenetic, and the volume of the singing increased, reaching its climax. Robert was reminded of a Witches’ Sabbath.

The enchanter slowly began to descend, nodding his head sharply and staring with his blind eyes into the crowd around him, as if searching for prey. When his bare feet touched the ground, the sounds were dispersed by an abrupt silence.

The old sorcerer kept his blind eyes on Trevor. He moved his arms forward and slowly approached through the circle of fire. Trevor stood frozen, deprived of any control over his own body. The enchanter touched his forehead with his palm. At that moment, the enchanter’s body bent back unnaturally and began to shake, his hand still glued to Trevor’s forehead. His cloudy eyes were directed somewhere in the distance, where a full, inverted moon shone as a pale witness to the Devil’s Sabbath.

The convulsions stopped and the hand on Trevor’s forehead became incredibly hot. He tried to pull back, but his body remained beyond his control.

Suddenly a terrifying picture appeared before Trevor’s eyes: an overturned railway car with the torn bodies of dozens of people. Charred human remains lay mixed up with broken seats, twisted handrails, scorched pieces of metal, and other ruined detritus. Fire began to roll down the car like a growing ball, as if in slow motion. It was unnerving and extremely realistic. Trevor even felt the furious flame that was about to engulf him on his face and the unbearable smell of burnt flesh all around.