Текст книги "Men's bikes. A play for 5-8 people. Comedy"
Автор книги: Nikolay Lakutin
Жанр:
Драматургия
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Nikolay Lakutin
Men's bikes. A play for 5-8 people. Comedy
Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LEGISLATION, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR IS PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.
Comedy. Duration 1 hour 30 minutes.
ACTORS
Vasily is an honest, decent family man.
Danil is not a very honest and not very decent family man.
Claudia is Vasily's wife.
Zinaida is Danil's wife.
Lucy is a classmate of Vasily, a cameo role.
Valeria is Danil's hobby, a cameo role.
Love is Danil's hobby, a cameo role.
Oksana is Danil's hobby, a cameo role.
Four episodic roles can be played by one actress, when using wigs, different styles and styles of clothes, various overlays and so on.
Scene 1. Somewhere on the street
The stage is dark. The sounds of the city are heard. The hum of passing cars, some snatches of conversations, someone's laughter, perhaps switching radio stations and the voices of radio presenters.
The sounds of the city bustle subside.
The light turns on smoothly.
There is an improvised street passage on the stage, Vasily comes out. He's full of business. Dressed in a simple style. In one hand he has a business suitcase, in the other some contracts that he reads on the go. A little passes. Stops. His face expresses doubt and wariness. He reads into some point of the contract.
Vasily (softly, cautiously, reading the contract). So! Stop. What kind of item is this? Our partnership has never envisaged anything like this…
Vasily thoughtfully takes his eyes off the contract, looks doubtfully somewhere in the auditorium.
Vasily (warily, all in himself, in his thoughts). Or have I already managed to view something like this somewhere? So, let's compare it with the latest agreements.
A musical composition is playing.
Vasily looks around in search of some table or bench, but finding nothing, moves a little to the side so as not to interfere with possible passers-by, sits down on one knee, opens his suitcase, rummages there in the stacks of documents available in it. Compares the terms of the contract carefully.
At this moment, Lucy comes out from the other side of the stage. Not a very thin woman. She… not that it would be easy behavior, just very open, easy to communicate and in relation to life. He doesn't worry about anything and doesn't think much about anything. She's like a big baby. She is dressed rather haphazardly, not that it would be tasteless, but somehow… it catches the eye. In general, she is like that… peculiar.
Lucy passes impressively, not looking around too interested. Vasily is almost passing, but still her gaze clings to him. Lucy stops, looking at the man with interest.
The music stops and ends.
Lucy (delighted and surprised). Vaska, what are you?
Vasily breaks away from the documents, looks attentively and warily at the lady.
Lucy (smiling with a certain spontaneity). Why are you wrinkling your forehead? Didn't recognize it? I'm Lyusya! Yes, we studied with you, a fool, until the ninth grade together. Well? What? Nothing? Don't you remember?
Vasily (getting up, leaving his suitcase on the floor, but gets up with several contracts in his hands). Lucy? Mikulova?
Lucy (happily, emotionally). AAAAAAAA!!!! I found out! I found out, you prankster! Let me give you a hug!
Lucy starts hugging the taken aback Vasily, who is inactive, just standing with his arms outstretched and holding contracts in them.
Lucy lets the man out of her arms a little, takes half a step away.
Lucy (happily, emotionally). Well, how not native? Yes, let me also kiss you!!!
Lucy starts hugging Vasily again, and even leaves him a couple of lipstick marks after a kiss on his neck and cheek, after which he takes a couple of steps away. He shows himself to Vasily.
Lucy (happily, emotionally). Well? Look. Hasn't changed a bit, has it?
Vasily looks skeptically at Lucy, collecting contracts from two hands into one pile.
Vasily (not really agreeing). Uh-huh…
Lucy (happily, emotionally). Uh-huh what? Uh-huh what? Well… big deal… the fat has increased a little (shakes himself by the sides), the folds have appeared a little (runs his hand over his forehead, cheeks), wrinkles …, well, where without it! Time is running out. This is not the main thing. The main thing is that my soul is as young, cheerful and zealous as before!!! Yadrena!
Vasily gets back down on one knee, puts all the documents in his suitcase. He is not very happy about this meeting, and is not too eager to continue the conversation.
Vasily (restrained). Well… according to the state of my Soul, I agree here. How were you…
Vasily is thinking… how to say, so as not to offend.
Lucy (happily, emotionally). With charm?
Vasily (restrained). Yeah, sort of. Well, so you still have this "charm".
Lyusya (joyfully, emotionally, taking Vasily's words at face value). You're my good one…
Lucy runs to hug and kiss a classmate once again, who no longer knows where to go from her embrace, tries to hide somehow, somehow dodge, but where can you get away from the emotional woman who is pricking at you… Lucy also sits down, hugs and kisses Vasily, preventing him from doing paperwork.
Lyusya (joyfully, emotionally, innocently, in a friendly way, kissing and hugging Vasily). You're so good, honey. Thank you, of course, for the compliment, but I'm married… almost… maybe… I don't know in general, but it seems like I'm going to be called down the aisle here by one… you don't know. In general, okay. I'll run.
Lucy leaves Vasily alone sitting by the suitcase. Gets up, walks away, gets better.
Lucy (happily, emotionally, naively, playfully). It was nice to see you. Come on… I'll see you again sometime.
Lucy, smiling playfully, waves goodbye to Vasily, and hurriedly leaves the scene.
Vasily shakes his head sympathetically, following Lucy with a skeptical look. Quickly collects all the documents in a suitcase, gets up, shakes off his knees and goes where he was going, covered in traces of lipstick, which, of course, he does not see.
Scene 2. Vasily's House
A family-entertaining musical theme sounds. Softly, so that Vasily's speech could be heard.
Moderately cozy living family environment.
Enter the infuriated Vasily. He hurriedly puts his work suitcase aside, looks around, calls his wife. He walks around the room, trying to loosen his work clothes on the move. Buttons are unbuttoned there, a tie (if there is one) pulls, well, something. In general, a person is at home, a person is tired, I want to quickly take off the weight of this exciting day.
Vasily (loudly, tiredly, slowly clumsily pulling off his work clothes). Klav? Claudia? Are you at home?
The music ends
Claudia (shouting from somewhere in the kitchen). Yes, at home. I'm cooking dinner.
Vasily (loudly, tiredly, slowly clumsily pulling off his work clothes). Dinner? Excellent. I was just really, really hungry. What do we have for dinner there?
Enter Claudia. She is also dressed relatively like a worker, but she has an apron tied over her work clothes. She carries a frying pan in her hand (not empty)!
Claudia (begins her speech backstage, but as she approaches her husband and as she examines the lipstick marks on her husband, her tone changes). Dear, I literally just came myself, I only managed to have scrambled eggs, but let's have a snack with you now, and then I'll do something more serious …
Claudia is already coming close to her husband. She had already seen traces of lipstick on it and this sight did not please her at all. She interrupts her speech, starts sniffing her husband, who smells of someone else's feminine perfume.
Vasily does not attach any importance to what is happening at all, he has no idea what Lucy is carrying from him and that he is covered in traces of her thoughtless kisses.
Vasily happily looks into the frying pan, rubs his hands contentedly.
Vasily (optimistically, smiling, that it is generally inappropriate for him now, rather rubbing his hands). Oh! Yaishenka! Two pieces! Great, let's, as they say, kick in the egg!
Claudia (in a very strange tone, having already made some conclusions for herself about her husband and his appearance). Well no… first, perhaps, still on the head.
Vasily (completely not understanding what it is about). What, I'm sorry?
Claudia, without thinking twice, hits her husband on the head with this very frying pan. Scrambled eggs, of course, fly out of the frying pan wherever God sends.
Vasily also flies away from the impact of the frying pan somewhere to the side.
Claudia puts her hands on her hips, holds a frying pan, looks displeased at her husband.
The husband looks around with completely dazed eyes. Where is he, what is he? What happened at all? He somehow gets up, maneuvers a little in space, keeps his balance, looks at his wife with an inquiring look. Silent.
Claudia (severely). Is there anything you want to tell me?
Vasily (in a strange tone). Want… I really want to.
Claudia (severely). Come on, I'm listening!
Vasily (in a strange tone). To begin with, the frying pan is pretty hot!
Claudia (severely). You essentially explain! Why are you covered in lipstick? Why do you smell like a woman's perfume? Where have you been rustling?
Vasily examines himself, searches and finds.
Finally understands what's what, and to some extent sighs with relief.
Vasily (a little nervously and as a result – not too plausible). And … you mean it. So it's Lucy!
Claudia (sternly, displeased). Also Lucy?
Vasily (a little nervous and as a result – not too plausible). Well yes… such a name… there is… in the world. It pisses me off… it's been a long time. From school still.
Claudia (sternly, displeased). And what kind of Lucy is this? Where did it come from on your cheeks, on your neck???
Vasily (a little nervous and as a result – not too plausible). So… That's what I'm saying. My classmate is Lucy. In general, she was always "inadequate", although for some reason she considered me to be a fool.
Claudia (sternly, discontentedly, incredulously). Did you meet an abnormal classmate?
Vasily (a little nervous and as a result – not too plausible). Well..!
Claudia (sternly, discontentedly, incredulously). And she kind of pounced on you for no reason, but how can we hug and kiss, right? Was that how it was?
Vasily, hearing this description of events, raises his hands in surprise, saying, "how do you know everything", his face expresses agreement, which looks like a mockery in his situation.
Vasily (a little nervous and as a result – not too plausible). Here… that's exactly how it was!
Claudia (sternly, discontentedly, incredulously). Vasya? Do you really take me for an idiot, right? You tell these stories to your colleagues, maybe they will believe it. And I don't need to be sprinkled with such stories. (To the viewer) What kind of men? They can't even come up with a normal excuse. They all have a little something – so immediately some crazy classmate pounced, kissed, hugged… (Turns to her husband) Not raped by an hour, no?
Vasily (a little nervous and as a result – not too plausible). You know… there was a risk. But I defended my honor!
Claudia (sternly, discontentedly, incredulously, with sarcasm). You're my risky bastard! Come quickly, I will reward you for your bravery!
Claudia threatens with a frying pan. Vasily seems to approach at first, but seeing that his wife never believes him at all and takes what he says for lies, and even waves a frying pan, he steps back.
Vasily (a little nervous and as a result – not too plausible). Klav? I'm telling you the truth. She passed by, saw, recognized, damn her. Literally rushed to hug and kiss. She meowed something there that she was getting married, said goodbye and left. I swear to you, I haven't seen her in a thousand years and I wouldn't see her three times that many. I have nothing to do with it at all! What was I supposed to do? Tell me? To fight off her with a suitcase, as it happened not once, in school years… only the briefcase was used then. Sort of… not kids anymore. Yes and… I would honestly say I fought back, but she caught me by surprise. I would not disdain to hang her feed on the head with a suitcase a couple of times. Clingy – sticky… Ugh!
Claudia (severely, discontentedly, incredulously). Well, well …
Vasily nods heart-rendingly, does not know how else to explain his appearance.
Claudia (severely). Vasya?
Vasily (warily). And?
Claudia (carefully, carefully). Do you still love me?
Vasily (relieved). My God, yes of course – I love. Well, what are you doing?
Claudia (exhaling heavily). Okay… Whatever it is, I don't want to know. Love is already something, we'll see about the rest, we'll observe. Go, wash, change clothes… (nervously, disgustedly) Take it all off, and come to the kitchen, we'll have dinner. I'll go back to the table to think about something.
Claudia nervously, restrainedly freaking out, goes back to the kitchen, Vasily picks up the scrambled eggs with his hands from the floor, and also leaves.
ZTM.
Scene 3. Somewhere on the street
A lyrical composition sounds.
The light turns on smoothly. Danil and Valeria are quite naturally kissing, and, apparently, for a long time. Everything is fine with them, everything is enviably fine with them.
The music fades and stops.
The couple reluctantly stop their long kiss, gently and lovingly look at each other.
Danil (gently). Valeria, you're just a goddess, you're just… I don't know what else to call you. I'm flying with you, I'm not myself, I'm not myself at all, I'm just all in you. I'm living with you, you understand that in general, I… I… I just adore you. Like a fool. Like crazy. How… how…
Valeria (smiling, gently interrupting). … And I love you even more!
Again, the couple connects in a passionate kiss.
But Valeria seems to be trying to gradually gently gently move away.
Danil interrupts the kiss.
Danil (gently). What is it? Is something wrong?
Valeria (smiling guiltily, tenderly). Danya, darling, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Time is running out, I already have to run. You know, my husband called fifteen minutes ago, I already had to run. Now if I'm still idle at the bus stop, then there will be a scandal. It seems to me that he has already begun to suspect something. Then he tries to peek into my phone when I type you a message, then he calls ten times a day. I notice some suspicious looks from him. We should probably be a little more careful for now. Let's at least take a break for a couple of weeks, and then we'll catch up, okay?
Danil makes a sad, pathetic, pitiful face, like the one the cat did in Shrek.
Valeria (smiling guiltily, tenderly). Well, miiiiiii, well, you know. I love you madly, but if unnecessary turmoil starts in my family there now, then it will only make it worse for you and me. Let's not take any chances. Let everything with you and me be as it was before. But this requires a short break. Well, don't be offended, well, please …
Danil (gently, sadly, almost in tears). And how am I going to live without you these two weeks, honey? Am I going to die without you?
Valeria (smiling guiltily, tenderly). It will be very hard for me myself… Well, I'll… I'll try to sort it out quickly, okay? I'll try to arrange a meeting with you… at the end of next week. But.. I won't promise, but I'll try, okay?
Danil (gently, sadly, almost in tears). Uh-huh…
Valeria pitifully sulks, once again quickly kisses Danil on the lips and runs away.
Danil waits until Valeria disappears, after that his sadness and longing immediately disappears from his face, he busily licks his lips, savoring the remnants of a kiss on his lips. Carefully examines himself, takes off Valeria's hair, wipes her cheeks, neck, takes a mirror out of her pocket, looks around for traces of a kiss. After that, he goes somewhere to the side, takes out a large travel bag with another jacket, takes it out, takes off his own, folds it neatly, puts it in the bag, and puts on the one he took out. After that, he takes his cologne out of the bag from there, sprinkles it, removes the cologne. He takes the phone out of his pocket, puts it on the sound (the audience should hear the addition of sound with the side button of the smartphone). After that, he dials the phone number, puts the smartphone to his ear.
Danil (in a businesslike tone into the phone). Hello, dear? Well, I'm done for today, I'm going home. Should I stop by the store to get something? Don't? Well, all right, then I'll go straight home. That's it… Wait, I'll be there in about forty minutes.
A musical theme sounds.
Danil throws off the call. Busily puts the smartphone in his pocket, throws his bag over his shoulder and walks home with a cheerful
, relaxed step.
The music keeps playing.
Scene 4. Danil's House
The music keeps playing.
The light turns on smoothly. The apartment has a cozy home environment. Danil enters. He doesn't have a bag in his hands, but he turns the car keys in his hands along with the keychain. He looks around the house in a masterly, calm way, puts the car keys somewhere on the shelf, or where a place will be provided for this. Passes, sits on the sofa, simultaneously calls his wife.
The music stops and ends.
Danil (as if nothing had happened). Honey, I'm home.
There is no response.
Danil turns around warily, looking for his wife.
Danil (warily). Zinaida, my doll, where are you?
The lights go out. A lyrical composition sounds. A smiling Zinaida slowly enters the room, carrying a small cake in front of her, on which eight candles are burning.
Danil is surprised, jumps off the sofa, enthusiastically meets his wife.
The music fades and ends, the light turns on smoothly.
Danil (admiringly). Damn me… every day my wife met me at home from work like this. Ay, thank you, dear, ay, I have served.
Blow out the candles on the cake together for a couple.
Danil kisses his wife on the cheek, accepts the cake, but Zinaida is in no hurry to let it out of her hands. Danil tries several times to carefully pull the cake out of his wife's hands, but she holds it tightly, smiles, is silent and does not let the cake out of her hands.
Danil takes a step back, puts his hands on his hips and looks questioningly at his smiling wife.
Danil (questioningly, with interest and misunderstanding). So! Even I'm not that… What is this?
Zinaida (playfully, cautiously hinting). Danil…, well, what are you… well, did you forget that? Well, count how many candles are on the cake, well?
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