Текст книги "Near and Far"

Автор книги: Nicole Williams

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

“Don’t eat any more of those little bastard carrots then,” I teased, exchanging the baggie of carrots for an apple.

Jesse forced out a laugh, but it was strained. “So . . . Mar? That’s her name?” He paused, looking like he’d just bitten into something sour. “This is the homeless lady who’s been giving you so much self, life, and relationship advice?”

“Hey, she might not have a fancy degree, but you can’t frame a real-life experience certificate. I don’t agree with everything she says, but she makes some valid points.” I’d mentioned Mar to Jesse a few times over the past month. He hadn’t been thrilled that I was hanging with a homeless lady and, even though he’d never outright said it, I knew he was concerned that I was taking her advice to heart. Especially when it came to the relationship advice she was always so eager to shell out.

“Valid points about what? Settling down too young? Not being tied down to anything or anyone? Moving to Tahiti and selling coconut juice from a beachside trailer?” Jesse’s mouth curved up on one side before biting into the apple.

“Okay, every point but that last one was totally whack. Because, really, everyone knows you haven’t lived until you’ve sold overpriced, water-downed coconut juice to wealthy tourists from a sweltering tin-can of a trailer.”

“Everyone knows that,” Jesse said around a bite of apple.

“Mar is mad smart.”

“Have you talked to Mar about us?”

“A little, not too much.” Mar knew I had a boyfriend, but I kept the specifics to myself—I hadn’t even told her his name. But that didn’t keep her from making assumptions about us and doling out words of wisdom based on those assumptions. Jesse nodded, working something out in his head. “What? Tell me.”

Jesse set down the apple and twisted toward me. “I don’t know. It just seems weird that you’re talking about us with a woman you know next to nothing about.”

My eyebrows came together. “Why?”

“Some things you need to keep protected, you know? Some things you don’t share with just anybody. You choose the people in your life you open up to about the sacred things because those are the people truly invested and concerned about your life. Anyone you run into will be eager to give you advice, but are they really taking your best interests into consideration? Or are they simply letting their own experiences and biases mold the advice they give you?”

I let all of that digest before replying. “Shouldn’t they? I mean, aren’t we all shaped by our experiences and biases?”

“Yes, of course, and someone who truly knows and loves you will give you advice, but it will be after taking you into consideration, not themselves.”

Well, crap. That made a whole lot of sense. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you’ve given this so much thought.”

“I give everything a whole lot of thought. Especially when it’s related to you and me.”

“I’m such an under-thinking slacker,” I muttered, tearing a corner off one of Jesse’s maple bars. The non-bacon corner.

“No, you’re not. I’m just a paranoid over-thinker.”

“Maybe just a little.” I pinched the air in front of him, making him laugh.

“Come here.” He kissed me softly, barely a peck, but it felt so damn good. “Just be careful who you open up to. That’s all I’m saying. In fact, that’s what I should have just said instead of giving you a five-minute presentation.”

“Wait, are you now telling me to not open up so much? Is this the same guy who, not even a year ago, was hounding me for two months straight about opening up and letting people in?”

Jesse gave me a Give me a break look. “I’m saying there are extremes on either end of the opening up spectrum. Being at the so-open-your-brains-are-going-to-fall-out spot is just as unhealthy as opening up for no one, not even yourself.”

I pulled another piece of maple bar and popped it into my mouth, giving Jesse’s words some thought. I saw his point—I always did—but I couldn’t get completely on board with it. I talked about Jesse with friends and acquaintances because he played such an important role in my life. What could I do if those people took it upon themselves to offer their two cents worth? Stuff a sock in their mouths? Clamp my hands over my ears and walk away? No. People liked to give advice; that was human nature. As the saying went, Opinions are like assholes; everyone’s got one. So what if someone offered me some misguided advice? I didn’t have to listen and let it affect my relationship with Jesse.

I hadn’t been doing that . . .

Or had I?

Everything became a bit blurred the longer I thought about it, so I decided to shelve it and come back to it later. Too much thinking, not enough kissing.

“It seems I’m destined to be unhealthy no matter what I do. I think I need help,” I teased, though only partly so. Everyone needed a little, or in my case, a lot, of help to get through life.

“That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to help you when and if you need it.”

I twisted in the booth to make sure I was looking at him straight on. “You know that goes both ways right? I’m here to help you when and if you need it. And maybe even if you won’t admit you need help, I’ll do it anyways because I’m all pushy like that.” My words made Jesse’s forehead wrinkle, as I’d expected they would. I should have just leaned in and kissed him. Kissed the living breath out of him. Kissed him until he forgot who he was and where he was.

I should have, but the moment passed us by when the door jingled open again.

“That would have been one hell of a kiss,” Jesse said, his eyes dropping to my mouth.

“Probably the kiss to end all kisses.” I played along. “Eat your bacon maple bars and I’ll go help the customers, and then maybe we can pick up right where we almost left off.” I winked as I slid out of the booth.

Jesse groaned in torture.

I laughed and glanced at the customer heading toward us. “Hey, you’re early.”

“I’d say I’m too late,” Mar replied, inspecting the empty baggies on the table. From the looks of it, she’d had a shower. Well, and from the smell of it, too. A woman’s shelter nearby opened up once a week to offer showers, lunch, and an activity to the homeless in the city. I’d looked it up and told Mar about it, and she’d been going for the past few weeks. I think the weekly showers were the only reason Sid allowed her in the shop.

“Don’t worry. We saved you some. And this is great timing because I really wanted you to meet someone.”

“Who? The boy I’ve been warning you against settling down with? Sure, I’ll meet him. I’ll tell him to get lost unless he wants to see your future ruined.”

My mouth opened in shock. Mar had said some odd things in my weeks of knowing her, but never anything quite so cruel. Jesse, who was back to working on the apple, went rail stiff in the booth. Obviously her words had shocked him as much as they had me.

“Um . . . maybe you should leave, Mar?” I didn’t want to manhandle her out, but I would if she didn’t leave.

“No. Why doesn’t he?”

I glanced at Jesse, who was slowly twisting in his seat. When his eyes locked on Mar, his entire face fell and went ash white. His hands curled into fists and it looked like he’d stopped breathing. He didn’t just look like he was staring at a ghost . . . he looked like he was staring at the devil.

“What’s the matter with you, boy? Dumb as you look? Or do you know that I’m right and you’re going to do nothing but drag this girl down with you?”

“Mar. Leave.” I motioned toward the door, keeping one eye on Jesse.

He was still frozen, but he blinked a couple of times like he was trying to clear his vision. When he stopped blinking and saw that Mar was still hovering in front of him, he shoved out of the seat so fast he was a blur. His eyes dropped from Mar as he lunged away from her, keeping as much distance as he could. He headed for the door.

“Jesse!” I called, but it was like he couldn’t hear me. It was like I wasn’t even there. He was in another world, and even I couldn’t get through to him. “Jesse, stop!” He shoved through the door and broke into a run the instant he was outside.

“Jesse? Is that his name?”

I nodded automatically, biting my lip. Tears were already welling. I had no idea what had happened or how to make it right.

Mar huffed. “Small world. I had a son named Jesse. He was just as worthless as your Jesse, so I suppose we’ve got something in common.”

My breath caught at the same time my legs wobbled. Something hit me with such force, I almost fell to my knees. Something, so intense I had to wrap my arms around my stomach, told me why Jesse had just behaved the way he had.

“Mar? How old is your son?” I bit the inside of my cheek and focused on the spot where Jesse had just been because I couldn’t look at her.

“Hell if I know. I got rid of him years ago,” she snapped.

Bile rose up my throat. I felt the chunks of maple bar begging to come out. I had to grip the edge of the table to keep from going down. Oh my god. What had I done? “How old was he when you . . . when you . . .”—I couldn’t make myself repeat her words—“ . . . saw him last?”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Mar’s head start to bob. “Five years old.”

That was when I lost it. My dinner, the tears I’d been holding back, my composure, my strength. I lost it all right there on the floor of Mojo Doughnuts.

I’D KNOWN DARKNESS in my life. That though, that was something else completely.

After Sid peeled me off the floor at Mojo, he had to hold me back. As soon as I saw Mar’s face, my strength surged into my muscles ten times over. I suppose it was a good thing Sid held me back. If I had gotten my hands on Mar, I don’t know if I would have been able to stop. I didn’t know the finer details of the abuse Jesse underwent as a young boy, but I knew enough to know that people who’d done those things to him should be serving life sentences or rotting away in an unmarked grave. My fists wanted to deal out a sentence right then, but after shrieking that I’d been possessed by the dark man—or some crazy other shit—Mar scurried out of Mojo.

I knew she didn’t have a clue why I’d transformed into a wild person wanting to wrap my fingers around her neck. She didn’t know the young man she’d insulted was the baby she’d given birth to twenty years ago. I knew that when she’d looked into his eyes, the same flicker of recognition that flashed in Jesse’s wasn’t in hers. She hadn’t even known the flesh and blood she’d abused was right in front of her. That right there, that she’d already forgotten the face of the person who’d never be able to forget her face, sent me over the edge. That was when Sid almost lost his hold on me.

Once Mar was gone, I calmed down, although not a lot. After telling Sid an emergency had come up and I needed to cut out early, I grabbed my purse and phone and called Jesse. I must have called him close to a hundred times with no answer. As soon as his voice mail picked up, I hit redial. I did that the entire bike ride back to my apartment. I knew it was unlikely he’d be there, but at least I could ditch my bike and borrow Alex’s El Camino for my search.

I tried to keep my mind focused on the ride, avoiding potholes, and getting a hold of Jesse, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Mar. I couldn’t comprehend how the minuscule chance of running into my boyfriend’s abusive birth mother—who, by the way, was a homeless lunatic—had worked its way into my life. I tried to steer clear of those thoughts, but I couldn’t help feeling like wherever I went, bad shit followed. How else could I explain what had happened?

A coincidence?

A small world?

Not even. It had happened because the nasty things of the universe were attracted to me. Even though my views on myself might have changed, that didn’t mean what followed me had. I’d brought that on Jesse because I was . . . cursed. I brought it on him because I’d let someone I knew nothing about into my life, and I’d given her a front row seat to the intimate, special pieces of it. I’d opened up too much and, like Jesse had said, it was just as unhealthy as the other way around. But my error hadn’t hurt me the way it had hurt him. I felt like a mini wrecking ball was going to work on my insides—one bone at a time, one organ right after the other—but I knew after witnessing the look on Jesse’s face, my pain was nothing compared to his.

I’d been crushed. He’d been ruined.

As I pedaled into my apartment complex, I tried to push all thought from my mind. All the regret, the what-ifs, and what-nows. I needed to focus on finding Jesse. That was all that mattered. Finding him and offering him whatever comfort he’d accept from me at that point. I didn’t bother to lock up my bike. I just rushed to the door, fumbling around for my keys.

The door swung open before I could get my key in the lock. Alex pulled me inside, looking frantic. “Oh, god, Rowen. I was just getting ready to call you. Shit, I don’t know what’s wrong. I just got home a few minutes ago. The front door was open, so I thought maybe someone had broken in.” My heart was in my throat as Alex and I rushed through the apartment. “I was checking all the rooms, all the closets . . . and that’s when I found him.”

“Is he still here? Where’s Jesse?”

Alex’s head bobbed as she pointed down the hallway. “In your room. Something’s wrong, Rowen. He isn’t saying anything. I don’t think he even knew I was in front of him when I found him. I was about to call 911.”

“I got this, Alex. Thank you.” I gave her a quick side hug before running down the hallway.

“What’s wrong, Rowen? What’s going on?”

“I’ll explain later,” I said because, even if I knew how to fully explain it all right then, which I didn’t, there wasn’t time. I needed to get to Jesse. I needed to know if the damage I’d unwillingly inflicted could ever be undone.

I paused just long enough outside my bedroom door to suck in a deep breath. I knew I would need it, and I didn’t know when I’d be able to breathe deeply again. Stepping inside, I didn’t need to scan the room to find him. My eyes found him like they were trained to find nothing else. What I saw made me wish I’d never been born with the gift of sight. I would swear that going through life blind would be better than having to live with that image of Jesse.

He was pressed into the back corner of my room, his back fitted tightly into it. His head was curled into his bent knees, and his arms were limp at his sides. He wasn’t moving. The only sign of life was the infinitesimal rising and falling of his back.

“Jesse?” I took a hesitant step forward. He didn’t move. There was no response. Wherever Jesse was, I needed to work my way into that place. I couldn’t let him be alone. “Jesse, it’s me. Rowen.”

Still nothing.

Choking back a sob, I unglued my feet and rushed to him. I wasn’t sure how he’d react to my touch, or if he’d react to it at all, but I had to put my arms around him. I had to hold him like he’d held me so many times, almost like he was holding me together. I crouched down beside him and scooted into the corner until my body was pressed into the side of his. Slowly, I wound my arms around him and drew him close. It was hard to describe, because he was still six-foot and two hundred pounds of muscle and bone, but somehow Jesse felt . . . frail. For the first time and what I hoped would be the last time. There were lapses of momentary weakness, and then there was frail. Like one gust of wind could blow him away from me.

“Jesse. Come back to me.” I was trembling from keeping my emotions contained. “Please. I love you. You’re safe. Just . . . come back to me. I need you.” A sob sneaked out at the last part and another was about to when Jesse’s body flinched.

“Rowen,” he whispered as one arm circled me.

His whole body was so tense it looked as if some of his muscles were about to burst through the skin, but I sighed in relief at that one word. It was to date, and probably for every date forward, the most incredible sound I’d ever heard. Jesse was back. Wherever he’d gone, whatever dark place he’d been trapped in, he was back.

“Oh my god, are you okay? Wait. Stupid question.” Tucking my chin over his head, I held him close and rocked him in my arms. “What can I do? What do you need?” I didn’t know what to say, and in my loss of knowing exactly what to say, I ended up unable to shut up.

“Just this.” His head was still curled into his knees, but his body relaxed little by little with every passing second. The more he relaxed, the tighter my arms went. When his head finally lifted, his gaze shifted my way. His eyes didn’t give away that he’d been crying, but they did look different. Almost . . . hollow. Void. I would have preferred to see devastation or rage. “I shouldn’t have run off like that. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m sorry.” Jesse’s voice was strained, almost raspy, like each word was a fight to form.

I whipped my head from side to side. “Why are you apologizing to me? I’m the one who needs to apologize. I’m the one who’s going to need to apologize to you for the rest of my life.” I fitted my hand to his face, touching my thumb to the corner of his lips. “I’m so sorry, Jesse. I fucked up. I fucked up big time. I had no idea that . . . that woman . . . was your birth mother.”

“Don’t use that word. Please don’t use that word.” I must have looked confused. “That woman was never a mother to me. She never showed an ounce of love, or compassion, or nurturing. She doesn’t deserve that title. Even with ‘birth’ preceding it.”

I stared at the most incredible man in the world. A man who’d showed me unparalleled love, who was hard working, respected, and had a heart bigger than the giant state he lived in. I stared at an exceptional man who’d been hurt by awful people. The unfairness of it all made me so mad I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hit it until my knuckles bled and my tears were gone. I knew the laws of the spherical mass we lived on; I knew them because I’d tried to break just about every one and failed. I knew the rule was that life wasn’t fair and one was a fool to expect it, but the Jesse Walkers of the world should have been the exception. People who were so good they didn’t seem like they were of our world shouldn’t have been punished by the heinous rules of it.

I wanted to hit something . . .

So I curled my fingers deeper into Jesse and let that be my outlet. “What can I do?” Having no clue how to ease his pain was almost as bad as knowing I was responsible for it.

“Just . . . let me figure all this out for a while. Let me process before you start firing off questions because I’m sure you’ve got hundreds.”

I did have hundreds. Possibly thousands and, hard as it would be, that was a request I could accommodate. “Do you want me to go?” The thought made me sick. I didn’t want to leave him—I wasn’t sure if I could—but if that’s what he needed, I’d just have to. I’d brought that mess on him; I would do whatever it took to clean it up.

If it even could be cleaned up . . .

“No. Stay.” The arm around me tightened, and I breathed my second breath of relief in five minutes.

We sat like that for a while, or maybe it wasn’t long at all. I couldn’t tell. I’d lost all understanding of time. So many questions flew through my mind; so many almost burst free. The only thing that slipped free, the only thing I couldn’t hold back, was, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t, Rowen. This isn’t your fault, and it isn’t about you. This is about me and dealing with”—Jesse sighed, looking like he was fighting to find the right words—“dealing with something I thought I’d left behind . . .” He had to stop again. His chest was rising and falling hard again, and his face was twisted in pain.

I kissed the spot below his ear. “It’s all right, Jesse. I can handle it. You can tell me whatever it is.”

I was going to add more, but a couple of raised voices caught my attention. They were growing louder. Alex kept saying that now wasn’t a good time, now was a very bad time. When I deciphered the other voice, I swallowed. It was too late to rush to the door and lock it. Not that that would have stopped Jax.

“Chill out, Alex. I’m not here with a chainsaw. I’m just here to talk to her.”

Jesse’s head whipped up right as Jax stormed inside. Such bad timing.

“Oh, well, sure. Boyfriend’s in town. That explains why you’ve been avoiding my calls.”

“What the hell are you doing here? And who the hell do you think you are bursting into my room? Why don’t you get the hell out?” Apparently, I was in a hell raising kind of mood.

“Nice to see you, too, Cupcake.”

Jesse’s body stiffened. “Jax, I don’t have anything against you, but I’m about to. Rowen asked you to leave. Either be a man and listen to her, or I’ll have to be the man for both of us and show you the way out.” Jesse’s voice was low and level, making it a thousand times scarier than if he was yelling.

“Easy, Cowboy. I don’t do the testosterone-fueled intimidation thing, and from the looks of it, you’ve already been in the middle of something today.” Jax looked purposefully at Jesse’s black-smudged clothing.

“Jax. Leave,” I ordered, standing. “And, trust me, if I’m the one who has to make you go, you’re going to wish Jesse had gotten to you first.”

“Unlikely.” Jesse stood beside me and crossed his arms. He’d taken a one-eighty from the broken form on the ground he’d been moments ago.

“Down, boy. And girl.” Jax’s smile curled in amusement as he inspected me. “I just have one quick question to ask you, and then I’ll be happy to show myself to the door.”

I knew what that question was. I knew the words about to come from Jax’s mouth would undo Jesse all over again. I knew my betrayal, hot on the heels of being brought face to face with his childhood abuser, could send Jesse into another tailspin. The next one even worse.

“Jax . . .” I gave my head a small shake and pleaded with my eyes. “Don’t.”

“Have you decided on that internship yet, Rowen? How much longer do you think the museum is going to wait? After all, this is pretty much the opportunity of a lifetime and there are dozens, if not hundreds, of applicants in line behind you.” Jax’s smile was still in place. After that stunt, I’d normally want to slap it off of him. Instead, I felt deflated. Utterly and totally depleted of everything.

That probably had a lot to do with the way Jesse was looking at me. Not with betrayal but with confusion. “You got an internship?”

“I haven’t accepted it yet.” I studied the floor, unable to look him in the eyes.

“When did you apply?” His arms uncrossed and he stepped in front of me.

None of the answers would be easy ones, so I forced myself to go with the honest ones. “At the start of the school year.”

“The first week of the school year,” Jax chimed in.

I looked up long enough to glare at him over Jesse’s shoulder.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Probably because she was scared you wouldn’t support her.”

I might have felt like a deflated balloon, but so help me god, if Jax opened his mouth to say something like that again, I could find the strength to punch him square in his smiling mouth. “It wasn’t that I was scared you wouldn’t support me. I was more scared of what it meant and what might happen if I got it.”

“I don’t get what you’re saying, Rowen. Exactly why didn’t you tell me . . . Because you were scared of what might happen? What were you scared of happening?” Jesse’s hand settled into the bend of my neck, trying to get me to look at him.

I couldn’t, though. I couldn’t look him in the eye and say what I needed to say. “I was afraid of this happening. I was afraid of getting it. I was afraid of you finding out and feeling betrayed. I was afraid of what would happen to us if I took the internship.” I was turning into a rambling mess. “I was afraid of so many things.”

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll work this out,” Jesse reassured me when I should have been the one reassuring him. “If you take the internship, when would you start?”

I paused. That was the worst part. I knew that would be the part that would be the hardest for him to accept.

“The day after school ends,” Jax said when I stayed quiet.

Jesse glanced back over his shoulder, probably glaring at Jax the same way I wanted to.

“And when does it end?” Jesse asked me, trying to keep his voice level.

Scratch that former thought. That answer was going to be the worst part.

“The day before school starts in the fall.”

I wasn’t focused on Jax anymore. I’d forgotten he was there. The only thing that had my attention was Jesse. My gaze had slowly lifted until my eyes locked with his. What I saw in them sucked the oxygen from my lungs.

“The whole summer?” One fraction of his expression still looked hopeful, like he was waiting for me to correct Jax.

I’d lied by omission all year. I wasn’t going to lie to his face. “The whole summer.” My voice was as small as I felt.

That last remaining scrap of hope left Jesse’s face. Lowering his gaze, Jesse’s hand fell from my neck. He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. He’d gone from one nightmare to the next, and I was the one responsible for bringing him to the portal of each one.

“I need to leave,” Jesse announced suddenly, starting for the door.

“Wait. Don’t go.” I grabbed for his arm. “Stay and let’s talk this out, Jesse.” I gave his arm a tug, but my efforts were nothing when Jesse moved with that kind of purpose.

“No, Rowen. I don’t want to talk this out right now. I can’t.” He continued toward the door, refusing to look at me.

“Jesse—”

“Don’t, Rowen. Just don’t.” He paused and gave me a brief glance. What I saw on his face was something I’d never forget. Never. “I’m losing everything. That should earn a person some time alone.”

I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to throw myself in the doorway and hold him captive if I had to. I didn’t want to let him go because I was terrified if Jesse walked out of my bedroom door, he’d never walk in it again. It would be the last I’d see of him. I didn’t want to let him go . . . but I needed to. I knew I didn’t want to let him go for selfish reasons. I didn’t want him to go because that was what I wanted. My selfishness had done enough. Had done more than enough.

I had to let him go because that was what he wanted.

I let him go because that was what was best for Jesse.

It was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do.

As soon as my hands dropped from his arm, Jesse continued for the door, shouldering roughly past Jax. Jesse didn’t say another word. He never even looked back. It was like he’d already put me behind him, like I’d always feared he would, and come tomorrow, he wouldn’t be able to remember my first name.

I’d always known that day was coming. As much as I’d tried to stomp out that fear, it had always lurked just below the surface. I always knew I would be the one responsible for tearing us apart because that’s what I did and that’s what I was good at. No matter how hard I tried to be something else, something better, I couldn’t keep the destructive part of me fully contained.

“Happy trails, Cowboy.” Jax flicked a salute down the hallway with that same stupid grin.

My fists balled at my sides. The night had been one sick, downward spiral. Might as well keep with the trend. When Jax glanced at me as I marched toward him, his face ironed out.

“If you don’t want to leave the apartment in a body bag, you better get the hell out now.”

Next to Jesse, I’d never seen a guy turn and move away from me as quickly as Jax did.