Текст книги "Some Sort of Crazy"

Автор книги: Melanie Harlow

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

I once fell off a roof, losing my footing on some slippery shingles and bouncing off a prickly shrub before hitting the ground hard. I broke my arm, cracked a few ribs, and had scratches from that fucking bush all over my body. It was growing needles, I swear to God. I was drunk at the time, of course, and didn’t feel too much when I landed, but the next day—the next month—I was in a lot of fucking pain.

That was nothing compared to what I felt after leaving Natalie. Nothing.

I would jump off a thousand roofs, bounce naked off a thousand prickly bushes, break every bone in my body willingly, if I thought it would ease the pain of pushing her away.

I couldn’t write. I didn’t feel like eating. I had trouble sleeping.

Sleeping! How can you fuck that up?

But every time I got in bed or lay on the couch, I thought of her. Didn’t matter if my eyes were open or closed—I saw her in front of me. Didn’t matter if I was alone or in a crowd—I could smell her. Didn’t matter what I ate or drank—nothing came close to the sweet taste of her, and nothing could erase it from my memory.

I spent long hours holed up in my apartment, watching cartoons or porn, not wearing pants, eating cereal with a plastic spoon and drinking beer, trying to convince myself that this was the good life. I jerked off to her constantly, but since I’d had the real thing, even that wasn’t as satisfying as it used to be. It made me even madder at myself that I’d fucked things up, although I still did it—the self-service equivalent of an angry hand job.

I called my friends to go out, but the ones with girlfriends seemed content to spend their nights in, and the ones without just wanted to troll for an easy fuck.

I was over it. I only wanted Natalie.

Finally, I broke down and called her. Got her voicemail. I tried to be casual and make jokes, but maybe I came off as pathetic or desperate, because she didn’t call me back right away. Ten days went by. The ten slowest, saddest, most agonizing days of my life.

I had to face it—she didn’t want me.

And why should she? Nothing had changed in her eyes. I hadn’t changed, although I wanted to. I just didn’t know where to start.

Should I show up on her doorstep? Admit I’d lied about California? Tell her I was in love with her and wanted to try one of those relationship things? I had no fucking clue. But every day without her was more miserable than the last, with no end in sight.

And then she called.

At the sight of her name on my screen, my body reacted like I’d just sniffed two lines of cocaine. I came alive instantly, my heart beating hard and fast. For a second, I debated making her leave a message and calling her back later, but then I thought, fuck it, I’m through playing games. I was unhappy, and she could make it better.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Miles. It’s me.”

“Hey, you.” I smiled and leaned back on the couch. “Took you long enough to call me back.”

“Sorry. I’ve been busy.”

“Yeah? I’ve missed you. What have you been doing?”

“Um, working. Painting the house. Helping Skylar with some wedding stuff.”

“Cool. When’s the wedding again?”

“September twenty-fourth.”

“That’s right. I’m supposed to go to it, I think.”

“That’s OK, you don’t have to. I know those things give you hives.”

Had I said that? I couldn’t remember. Sounded like me, though. “I might brave one, if you want me there,” I said, feeling like the biggest person ever.

Silence.

What the hell? Was she still upset with me? “Natalie? Do you want me to come to the wedding?”

“Um, before we talk about that, there’s something I have to tell you.”

Oh fuck. She got back together with the Douchebag.

I braced myself. “You’re back with Dan, huh?”

“No.” She paused and took a shaky breath. “I’m pregnant, Miles.”

I had to have heard that wrong.

“I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Like, with a baby?”

“Yes. Like with a baby. Your baby.”

I held the phone away from me and stared at it in shock. I had a baby? What the hell was this?

“Miles?”

Slowly, I put the phone to my ear again. I’d never had an out-of-body experience before, but this is what I imagined it would be like, where everything around me, even the air I breathed, felt foreign and wrong. Was this real?

“Miles? Did you hear me?”

I cleared my throat. “Yeah…but I don’t understand.”

“Not much confusion about it. We had sex. I got pregnant.”

Silence.

I had no fucking clue what to say. This had never happened to me before. What did she want to hear? Sorry? Congratulations? There were any number of possibilities but none of them seemed right.

I finally found my voice, and of course I said the wrong thing. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” she snapped. “I wouldn’t have called you otherwise.”

I closed my eyes. A sweat broke out on the back of my neck. “Natalie, don’t be mad. I’m just…I need a minute to take this in.”

Actually I needed more than a minute. I needed the world to stop turning right now. I needed a pause button—no, I needed a stop, rewind, and do-over button. Why the fuck had we had unprotected sex? I never had unprotected sex!

“Didn’t we… I mean, aren’t you on the pill?”

“Yes, I’m on the pill. What do you think, I lied to you about that? I don’t know what happened, OK? I thought I followed the directions just like always, but it didn’t work. Your super sperm broke through the barrier.”

Absurdly, I felt proud of my super sperm for exactly two seconds before reality sank in again. And fuck, I kept saying the wrong things. “Sorry…I’m just…” I sat forward and tipped my head into one hand. “I don’t know what to say, Nat. What are you going to do?” God, now I’d just made it sound like it was her problem. I didn’t mean that, I just—fuck, this was hard! I needed a script!

“I don’t know.” Her tone was cold.

“What do you want me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

Silence.

“Nothing, Miles. I don’t want you to do anything. The whole thing was a mistake. We were a mistake.”

“But—”

“Look, neither of us planned this, Miles. This is the worst possible timing for a pregnancy and the worst possible combination of factors. We’re young. We’re not married—we’re not even a couple—you don’t want kids, you’re moving across the country, I own a business, and I will have to answer everyone’s questions for the next nine months if I go through with this pregnancy, not to mention the next eighteen years.”

Oh my God. Nine months. Eighteen years.

The world was spinning too fast. Days and nights were flying by. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. “Jesus. I can’t handle this.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“What’s that mean?”

“It means, I know exactly how you’re feeling right now. You’re hoping I’ll just get rid of it so it won’t be your problem and you can go on with your life.”

I jumped off the couch, enraged. “Natalie, I never said that!”

“You didn’t have to!” she yelled. “I know how you feel about kids, Miles. They get in the way of everything. They’re expensive and they disrupt your sleep and your drinking habits and your sex life!”

Fuck, I had said that, hadn’t I? Fuck! “Well, how was I supposed to know this would happen?”

“You weren’t. Forget it, it doesn’t matter anyway.”

Oh God, now she hated me. “Natalie, wait. I’m sorry—”

“I’m sorry too, Miles. I’ll let you know what I decide, but don’t worry. I won’t ask you for anything. You can go ahead and move to California.”

“Don’t say that. Please.” I love you. I’m just terrified right now. Give me time to think.

“Goodbye.” She ended the call and I stood there, frozen, the phone still at my ear. I was sweating buckets, but started to shiver.

“Fuck!” I threw my phone on the couch and fisted my hands in my hair.

Natalie was pregnant. Pregnant! With a baby! An actual baby!

I fell back onto the couch and lay there with my hands over my face.

“Fuuuuuuuuck,” I groaned. This was so far beyond my adult zone I couldn’t even form a sentence. A relationship was one thing, but a child… I was the least qualified person I knew to be a dad. My own hadn’t been around that much. I had no uncles I was close to. The truth was Mr. Nixon was probably the best example of a good father I’d seen in my life. And he’d always been so nice to me—what would he say when he learned I’d gotten his daughter pregnant?

Oh God, I was such an asshole.

And she knew it. She’d thrown all my stupid remarks about being a husband and father right back in my face. But a guy could change his mind, couldn’t he? If he met someone who made him feel something he’d never felt before, if he learned something about himself—like that he was capable of falling in love—he should be allowed to take back what he said. Suddenly I was angry. She wasn’t even giving me a chance to do the right thing. She was just assuming I was the same old Miles I’d always been.

Because she doesn’t know you love her. You never told her.

Chills swept over my entire body, and I felt as if everything I’d ever wanted was right in front of me, and I had to grab it now or risk losing it forever. Was I scared? Fuck, yes. But what if this was my chance? If I blew this, Natalie would never forgive me, and some other guy would come along and fall in love with her and do things right. She’d always be the one that got away. But what if this baby happened for a reason? What if this was the universe banging me over the head with the best thing that had ever happened to me?

This wasn’t a mistake.

I grabbed the phone off the couch and called her back, but she didn’t answer. Her voicemail picked up as I was running up the stairs to pack a bag. “Hey,” I said. “I need to see you. I’m driving up.”

A bit short and not exactly heartwarming, but fuck it, I was flustered.

Five minutes later, I raced back down the stairs and grabbed my phone charger, computer bag, and the keys to the house up there. Frantically, I looked around, feeling like I needed more things, a better plan, a fucking clue what I was doing. But I couldn’t think of anything.

I locked my apartment and flew down the hall, tapped my foot impatiently in the elevator, and ran like mad through the parking garage. Thankful I had a full tank of gas, I was on the road within minutes, and figured if I didn’t hit terrible traffic, I could be there by nine o’clock tonight.

That gave me just over four hours to figure out what the hell I was going to say to her to convince her to let me in. To let me love her. To let me be a father to my child.

My throat closed up, and my vision went a little blurry.

I had no idea how to be a father, but I would sure as hell try.

I let his call go to voicemail, mostly because I was crying too hard to answer, but also because I didn’t really want to hear him talk anymore. Maybe that wasn’t fair, since it was his baby too, but his reaction had been exactly what I thought it would be, and even though it wasn’t a surprise, it still hurt.

Ten minutes later, I listened to it, but it didn’t make me feel any better. Why was he coming here? What did he need to do, crush me in person? Would he try to sweet talk me into getting rid of it? Offer to write me a check so I’d just go away? My stomach churned just thinking about it.

I called Skylar.

“Hello?”

“It’s me. I told Miles.”

She gasped. “What did he say?”

“Not much. He was in shock.”

“Of course. So were you. So was I.”

“Right.”

“And wait ’til you tell mom and dad.”

I frowned. “You’re not helping, Sky.”

“Sorry. So what happened with Miles?”

“He basically said he couldn’t handle this and didn’t know what to do, and we hung up.”

“Ugh. Not helpful or supportive.”

“Nope, no surprise there. But then five minutes later, he called back.”

“And?”

“And said he needs to see me, and he’s driving up.”

Another gasp. “Really?”

I grimaced. “Really.”

“What do you think he’ll say?”

“I think he’s either going to be all sweet and persuasive and try to convince me to get rid of it because life is all about fun and games and we’re too young to be saddled with this, or he’ll offer me money.”

“Money for what?”

“I don’t know. To leave him alone so he can skip out to California unencumbered?”

“I think you’re selling him short, Nat. I’m on your side no matter what, but I do think you could maybe cut the guy some slack. You just told him you were pregnant. You’ve had days to think about this—he’s had minutes.”

“Yeah,” I said grudgingly. “Maybe.”

“What do you want him to say?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. This is such a fucking mess.”

“Just hear him out. He deserves that, at least.”

“Why?” I snapped. “Because his dick has good aim?”

“No, crabbypants. Because you’ve been friends forfuckingever, and you care about each other, and no matter which way you look at it, this is his baby, too.”

Baby. I sighed. Every time someone referred to it as a baby, I melted. There was no way I could end this pregnancy—deep down, I knew that. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, but politics aside, this was something Miles and I had done willingly. We’d taken the risk because we trusted each other. We cared for each other and always had.

“Fine. I’ll listen.”

“Fair enough. You need anything? I’m just getting to the grocery store. I could bring you some dinner.”

“No, that’s all right.”

“OK. Call me tomorrow.”

“I will. Night.”

We hung up, and I puttered around the house for a while, aimlessly wandering from room to room, picking things up and putting them down, idly wondering where I’d put things like a crib, a high chair, a rocker. Pretty soon, I felt too restless to be contained by the walls, and I grabbed a swimsuit and went to the gym. A swim always cleared my head, and it had never felt more muddled than it did right now.

But what was I going to do about my heart?

I called her when I was five minutes from her house.

“Hello?”

“It’s me. I’m just getting here. Can I come over?”

She sighed. “I guess so.”

“Are you feeling OK?” Fear gutted me, and I realized I’d better get used to that feeling. I’d be worried about her all the time now.

“I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Can I bring you anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty?”

“No, thank you.”

“OK, I’ll be there in five.”

We hung up, and I pressed my lips together, going over in my mind what I wanted to say. You’d think as a writer I’d have a good enough command of my vocabulary to string something solid and convincing together, but every time I thought about Natalie being pregnant with my baby, my brain went to mush. What did she want to hear? Would she believe me if I told her I loved her? Would she take me seriously when I told her I wanted her to have this child? That I’d do anything to help her? That I’d never let her be alone?

When I pulled up in her driveway, I still had no clear strategy.

My heart thumped hard as I knocked on her door. Fuck, I’d showered today, right? But had I put real pants on? Was my shirt clean? I looked down at myself. OK, the jeans were fine, and the light blue t-shirt appeared to be in decent shape, although I wished I’d have put a nicer one on.

She opened the door, and I couldn’t breathe. That feeling struck me again—that surge of longing to do everything at once. Hold her, kiss her, touch her, tell her everything, wrap her up in my arms and keep her there until she believed how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how hard I’d work to deserve her.

“Hi,” she said, her expression neutral. “Come on in.”

I followed her through the kitchen to her family room, noting not only the nice furniture but the books on the coffee table, the pictures on the walls, the healthy-looking plants in the corner. Damn, a white couch. Grownups had things like white couches and managed not to ruin them, didn’t they? I’d have already spilled salsa, dripped pizza sauce, and dumped beer on it. I sat down on it cautiously.

Natalie stared at me like I was nuts. “It’s a couch. It’s not going to bite you.”

“I know. It’s just so nice.”

She flopped down on the other end, not touching me, her legs tucked beneath her. “Thanks.”

“How are you feeling?” I sat forward and focused intently on her, eager to show her I could be less selfish than I’d been in the past.

“Fine, thanks.”

I stared at her, unnerved by her cool demeanor but also by her beauty. She wore no makeup and her hair drifted around her face in its usual unfussy waves, but her skin was smooth and radiant, her blue eyes wide and clear, her mouth full and soft. She was so alluring, I had to move closer and put a hand on her knee. I felt my dick jump in my pants and begged it not to bother me right now.

“Natalie, I’m sorry about earlier. I should have reacted better.”

“It’s OK.” She shrugged. “I know you were stunned. I certainly was.”

“Have you told your parents yet?”

She shook her head. “Just my sisters. I’ll tell them soon. After I decide what to do. But Miles…” She hesitated, playing with the hem of her loose black top. “I’m going to have the baby. I don’t know if I’ll give it up for adoption yet or not, but I’ve decided against the other alternative.”

I nodded, totally relieved. “I fully support you. And I’ll go with you when you tell your parents. You are not alone, Natalie. I’m going to do the right thing.”

Silence. “The right thing?”

I knew right away it wasn’t what she’d wanted to hear. But why not? Didn’t that prove I was a good guy? Someone worthy of her and the baby? I tried again. “Yes. I want to be here for you.”

She shook her head. “You can’t, Miles. You’re moving, remember?”

“Um. About that.” I rubbed a hand over my jaw. Crap, I should have shaved too. This was all so rushed! “I made that up, Natalie. I’m not really moving to San Francisco.”

“What? Why would you make that up?” Her eyes clouded with confusion.

“Because I was scared. I realized I had feelings for you that I’d never had for anyone before, and I panicked. I couldn’t tell you because you’d just broken up with Dan, and I knew you were just hanging out with me for fun.”

“Because that’s all you do,” she snapped. “You’ve told me repeatedly. Your life is about fun, not feelings.”

I held up my hands. ”Fair enough. I know I have said that in the past. But Natalie. Things are different now.” I could feel the sweat under my clothes, and my pulse was racing. “I love you.”

Her eyes went wide. “What?”

“I love you.” Goosebumps were breaking out all over my body.

“No, you don’t. You love yourself. You love cartoons and porn. You love your life. You love women.”

“I love you, Natalie. I’ve always loved you. Deep down, you know that.” This was not the way I imagined things went when a guy told a girl he loved her for the first time. Wasn’t she supposed to be happy about this? Wasn’t there kissing involved?

But Natalie was shaking her head. “That night at the restaurant. You were such a jerk to me. And later you told me it was because you were scared that I had feelings for you. And you wanted to protect me.”

The back of my neck got even hotter. “I know. That was bullshit. I was only protecting myself.”

Her lips made a straight line. “And the next day. When you drove me home and we said goodbye. That was another chance to tell me the truth. But you didn’t—you stuck with the lie.”

“It was a mistake!” I put both hands on her knees. “I was scared, OK?”

Her eyes teared up. “Too many games, Miles. And what were you afraid of? Did you think I didn’t feel the same?”

“I knew you didn’t. You told me you wanted space. Time to yourself. Time to process the end of your relationship. For all I knew, you were still in love with Dan.”

“I hadn’t been in love with Dan for a long time. I wouldn’t have slept with you if I had been.”

“It wasn’t only that. I was also scared I wouldn’t be able to make you happy even if you did feel the same way.”

“Because you don’t want a monogamous relationship. You don’t ever want to get married or have a family.”

“But that was before I knew you were pregnant. Now I want to do the right thing. I want you. I want the baby. We could get married.”

She shook her head, her eyes tearing up. “You’re a good guy, Miles, and I appreciate that you came all the way up here tonight, but I don’t think you know what you’re saying, and I don’t want you to make promises you can’t keep.”

“Natalie.” I got to my knees in front of her. “Maybe I’m saying this all wrong. I’m not good at this stuff. But please give me a chance.”

“A chance at what? Being a family? How? You making a living writing about sex and the single guy. How does a family figure into that?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“And you hate being tied to one spot.”

“But I’d try it for you. For the baby.”

“You’d try it. Oh, God.” She put her face in her hands, and when she picked up her head, tears were dripping from her eyes. “Look, Miles. A family is not something you can sample and send back like a bottle of wine. It’s a permanent commitment. You don’t do those.”

“I haven’t in the past,” I admitted. “But I want to start. I can change, Natalie.”

She hesitated. “I want to believe you. I want to think that we could be happy together.”

My chest felt strapped tight. “But you don’t love me?”

She took my face in her hands. “Of course I love you. You know I do.”

Relief coursed through me, but it was tempered with fear too. She was still holding back—or else she didn’t feel what I felt, which was even worse. “But you’re not in love with me. Not the way I am with you.”

“I’m scared to love you like that, Miles. I’m scared because you’ve always been there, always been this amazing what if in the back of my mind, ever since that night we almost kissed. But you told me yourself you weren’t capable of loving someone completely and forever. You weren’t capable of the sacrifices it would entail. And I want that.”

“You deserve it.” I kissed the palm of her hand. “Tell me what to do to prove to you I can be the man you want.”

She pulled her hand away and wiped her eyes. “I can’t tell you that. I don’t know. I just know that it’s not enough to hear you say you want to do the right thing. I’m sorry.”

• • •

She let me hug her goodbye, and I held her for a long time. I’d stopped talking, because clearly I wasn’t saying the right things. And why would I? I’d never talked this way to anyone in my entire life. I didn’t pay attention to those scenes in movies, I didn’t read those kinds of books, and people in porn and cartoons don’t really talk about the future. I’d thought saying I wanted to do the right thing would indicate to her that I was ready to grow up and be the kind of person she wanted, but I’d been wrong.

But I wouldn’t give up. As I embraced her by the front door, I vowed to try harder. I thought about the little life we’d created, a life that she was protecting inside her body, and I wrapped my arms around them both.

Suddenly my chest hollowed out like it was cleaving in half. It was similar to the feeling I had when I realized I was in love with Natalie, and yet different. Just as compelling, just as shocking, just as relentless, but more ferocious, more possessive, more instinctive. It came from a place inside me that hadn’t existed until this very moment, an empty space that was rapidly filling with the most powerful emotion I’d ever experienced.

Somehow I knew it was the beginnings of the fierce, protective love of a father for his child.

I don’t know how I knew, but I did.

I held her closer.

Mine. This was mine, and I wouldn’t let it go.

Somehow I’d find a way to prove it to her.