Текст книги "Secrets and Lies"

Автор книги: Kody Keplinger

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Chapter Five

As if I didn’t have enough to feel bad about, it turns out rushing B through those beers so I could keep running to the kitchen wasn’t such a great idea. She wasn’t normally much of a drinker, so her tolerance was pretty low. Low enough that Wesley had to carry her out to Jess’s car that night.

“I don’t know who’s going to regret this more tomorrow,” he said once she was sprawled out on the backseat. “Her, with the hangover, or you, because you get to deal with her while she has a hangover.”

“Is she that bad?” I asked. “I’ve never actually seen B get drunk before, so this is pretty new to me.”

“It’s only happened once since we started college,” Wesley said. “And it was pretty miserable for both of us. You know how cranky she is normally?”

“Uh… yeah.”

“Multiply that by about ten.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah… well, Merry Christmas, you two. Have fun tomorrow.”

“Oh, I will,” Jess said, rubbing her hands together in front of the vent while I climbed into her car and buckled my seat belt. “I’m dropping them off and going home. She’s all Casey’s tomorrow.”

I scowled at her. “I thought you were supposed to be the nice one.”

Wesley laughed. “Good night,” he said, waving as he headed back inside. “Tell Bianca I’ll call her tomorrow.”

B moaned from the backseat. She sounded like an animal who’d just been shot with a tranquilizer gun. It was the kind of noise I felt like I should be making. I felt nauseated and there was a pain in my chest. I’d only cried for a second after Toby walked out, but I’d been on the verge of tears ever since.

When we got to my house, my mom was already asleep. Somehow, Jess and I managed to drag a half-conscious Bianca up the stairs to my bedroom. That was all we could manage, though. She collapsed onto my bed and wouldn’t even move long enough to let us try and put her into her pajamas. We got her shoes and coat off, though. That was something.

Neither of us had a good night’s sleep. B tossed and turned and even got up once to throw up a little. I stayed on the other side of the bed, trying to think of anything but Toby’s hurt face before he’d left the party.

I liked him. I liked him more than I’d liked a guy in a long, long time. Maybe ever. He was nice and funny and didn’t mind that I was taller than him. I know that should have been a little thing, but it had been a big issue in the past. Toby was the best guy I’d ever dated, and I’d fucked it all up.

I decided I’d have the talk with B in the morning. Rip off the Band-Aid. But just as Wesley had promised, she had a hangover, and it was like normal cranky Bianca on steroids.

“Fuck,” she groaned with a hand on her forehead. “Why the hell did you let me drink so much?”

“You never exactly said no,” I told her, getting out of bed and heading to my closet to find clothes. “And you didn’t drink that much….”

“More than two beers is too much for me,” she mumbled. “God, Casey, will you stop making so much noise?”

“Sorry.” I shut the closet door as gently as I could. “B, I need to talk to you about something.”

“Can’t it wait? Maybe for a day when I don’t want to curl in a ball and die…. And oh my God, quit stomping! Just you walking around the room is making my head pound.”

I sighed and put my clothes on the edge of the bed. “Believe me, I wish this could wait. But—”

“Then wait,” she moaned.

B’s phone started ringing from the nightstand next to her head. She whimpered.

“You still have ‘Womanizer’ as your ringtone for him? Really?”

“I haven’t gotten around to changing it yet.” She rolled slowly and carefully onto her side and reached for the phone. For a second, I was seriously scared she was going to puke on my floor. But she didn’t. “Hey, Wesley,” she said into the phone. “What do you want?”

I changed out of my pajamas while she talked—which was mostly a series of mutters and grumbles. I’d just pulled my hoodie on when I heard her say, “Okay. Love you, too. See you in an hour.” She tossed the phone onto my side of the bed and covered her face with her hands. “Kill me.”

“I wouldn’t want to deal with the cleanup,” I said. “What did Wesley say?”

“His parents just got home. And they’ve invited me to a Christmas Eve lunch.”

“You could have said no.”

“I could’ve.” She sat up slowly, carefully. “But Wesley said they got me a gift and… I kind of should go. So he’s picking me up here in an hour. Which means I need your shower… and some coffee.”

“We don’t have any coffee.”

By the way B moaned, you’d have thought I’d just killed her beloved pet or something. I started to laugh, but she gave me a scathing look.

“Shower,” she said. “Now.”

“I’ll get you a towel.”

Once B was in the shower, I walked into the bathroom so I could brush my teeth and fix my hair. Part of me wanted to put off telling her about Toby, to wait until she wasn’t hungover and cranky, but the thought of Toby, of not seeing him, pushed me forward.

“So,” I said, just loud enough that she could hear me over the running water. “About what I was going to tell you earlier.”

“Please don’t shout.”

“I… wasn’t. But okay. So what I was going to tell you is… I’ve been sort of keeping a secret from you.”

“Casey, I can’t hear you.”

I gritted my teeth. “I was trying not to shout, but… but I’ve kind of… sort of… I hooked up with Toby.”

There was a long pause, then the water suddenly shut off and B poked her head around the shower curtain. “Toby Tucker?”

“Yeah.”

“When did that happen?”

“The night you and Jess picked me up from the bus station. That party. We kind of made out in the bathroom.”

“Wow.” She grabbed the towel I’d hung next to the shower and vanished behind the curtain. When she stumbled back out, she had the towel wrapped around her middle. “I can’t believe you’re just now telling me.”

“I was… I was nervous. I thought you’d be pissed.”

“Why would I be pissed?”

“Uh, do you know you? Everything pisses you off.”

B turned toward the toilet and started dressing in the clothes she’d left on the lid. We’d been friends for thirteen years, and somewhere in there, we’d both lost any sense of modesty around the other.

“You saying that kind of pisses me off, but the Toby thing? Why would that piss me off?”

“Because it’s against the Girl Code,” I said.

Bianca wobbled a little as she attempted to pull on her jeans. “Code? What Code? Who writes these stupid Codes?”

“Well, dating your best friend’s ex is usually a big no-no.”

“Wait—dating?” She turned to face me, one arm through her T-shirt. “You said you made out with him.”

“Well, we did… and then we went on a date. And then another. And another. And…”

“You’ve been dating him and you didn’t tell me?” she asked. “Okay. Now I’m kind of pissed.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, hanging my head. “He’s your ex, and it’s weird, but—”

“I don’t give a shit about that.” She finished putting on her shirt. “Fuck the Girl Code or whatever. You didn’t tell me. That’s what I’m pissed about—oh, my head.” She sat down on the toilet and put a hand on her forehead. “Fucking hangover.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“About not telling me or this hangover?”

“Both,” I said.

“I just…” She trailed off. “Wait. Wait—the beers. Were you rushing me through beers so you could sneak off to see Toby? Without my knowing?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh my God,” she said. “Now I’m actually pissed. You didn’t just not tell me. You jumped through hoops to keep this from me. You got me wasted to keep this from me. That’s fucked up.”

I chewed on my lower lip. “I know.”

“Did you really think I’d be that mad? Do you really not trust me?”

“No, I do—I just—”

“I would really like to yell at you,” she said. “But my head hurts too much.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I really am. At first we just kissed and I thought it wouldn’t happen again, so what was the point in telling you, right? And then it did happen again and again and the more time that passed, the more convinced I was you’d hate me. I felt like I was betraying you.”

“By dating a boy I went out with for all of a week? Or two?”

“A boy you had a crush on for three years,” I said.

“In high school,” B said. “Casey, we’re adults now. Kind of. I’ve moved on. I want Toby to, also. Do you like him?”

“Yeah. A lot.” I looked down at my hands. “I’ve kind of screwed it up, though. I kept it from you for so long that he got upset. He walked out on me last night at the party.”

“You kind of deserved it,” B snapped. “If you’d just told me, neither of us would be pissed at you now. I thought you were better than this.”

“I thought I was, too,” I said. “That’s why it was so hard to just say it. I’m the loyal one. I’m not the one who keeps secrets or sneaks around. The longer it went on, the more scared I was.”

“Thanks for insinuating I’m the screwup,” B said. “I really appreciate it.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“It kind of is,” she muttered. “We’re both allowed to mess up, you know. You don’t always have to protect me. Or put yourself on some sort of friendship pedestal. We’re equals, Casey. We fuck up equally.”

“That’s… strangely uplifting. And you’re right. I know you are. I’m sorry. I really am.”

B rubbed her forehead and sighed. “Look. I’m still mad. I don’t know if it’s because you deserve it or because I feel like shit. But I am. I won’t be forever, though. You’re still my best friend, and I’m glad you’re dating someone you like. But we should drop it for now. And you should get me coffee.”

“We don’t have any,” I said.

“Then you should get some from the place down the street,” B said. “After causing this hangover, you kind of owe me.”

I almost pointed out—again—that she never said no to the beers, but I figured it wasn’t worth it. Instead, I just nodded, handed her my hair dryer, and headed down the street, knowing that, when this hangover passed, her anger would, too. We’d be okay. I’d told her the truth, and we’d be okay.

Chapter Six

When Mom came in from work that night, she had a box in her hand. “Hey, honey,” she said. “This was on the front porch. It’s addressed to you.”

I put down the remote control and walked over to her. “I didn’t hear the doorbell ring.”

“It’s broken,” Mom said. “I need to get it fixed.”

I took the box and noticed the return address immediately.

Toby.

I ripped open the box and, inside, found two more boxes, both wrapped in glossy red-and-gold paper. Christmas presents. He’d said he had something for me in mind. He must have mailed the box before our fight the night before. My heart sank a little.

“Something wrong?” Mom asked.

“No,” I said. “I’m just going to open these in my room.”

“Okay. Well, dinner will be ready in an hour.”

“Okay. Thanks, Mom.” I headed upstairs with the boxes. I sat down on my bed and carefully unwrapped the first—a thin rectangular one. Inside, there was a DVD. A French film I’d mentioned to Toby on that accidental date. I’d been wanting to see it for months, but I hadn’t been able to find it anywhere. He had, though. Inside the DVD case there was a small slip of paper with a note written in neat block print.

MAYBE WE CAN WATCH THIS TOGETHER SOMETIME.

I felt myself starting to tear up and closed the case with the note inside. Then I turned my attention to the other box. A small square one. Inside, I found a bracelet—a thin gold chain. And next to it was a tiny cloth drawstring bag. I took it out and poured the contents into my hand. Half a dozen little gold charms fell into my palm. I looked closer and realized they were all abbreviations. There was OMG, a WTF—a slew of others, all of which I’d said in front of Toby. Except one.

ILY.

I Love You.

I held the charm in my hand, tracing the letters with my finger. I smiled, thinking of Toby and all those times he’d teased me about the abbreviations. But maybe he sort of liked them. Deep down. Or maybe he just liked me.

I reached for my phone and started to call him, but then—I couldn’t. I put the phone down and fell back on my bed with a sigh. I was too scared to call him. What would I say? Hey, I finally told the truth about us after I broke your heart. Want to forgive me now? It didn’t seem right. It didn’t seem like enough.

I attached the charms to the chain, one by one, remembering each time I’d said the abbreviation in front of him. Then I just started remembering us, reliving the past few weeks in my head. Talking about flat tires and third wheels at that first party. Seeing the French film at Cindependent. My clumsy attempts to be sexy in his room. Every memory made me smile or laugh or blush.

I slid the ILY on last.

I liked him so much. So much that it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours, and I missed him. Apologizing over the phone wasn’t enough. I needed to see him.

But I didn’t see Toby. Not for several days. Before, it seemed like I ran into him everywhere I went, but now it was the opposite. He was nowhere to be seen. Or maybe he was avoiding me.

“Just go over there,” B said a few days after Christmas. She was still a little annoyed with me for keeping the whole thing a secret, but she’d mostly gotten over it. Now she was annoyed at me for other reasons. “I’m getting so sick of you whining about this. If you want to see him, go to his house.”

“I’m too scared,” I admitted. “What if he’s not there and his parents know what happened and they hate me?”

“Oh my God,” B groaned.

“I’m serious, B,” I said. “Last time I saw him he was really upset with me. I don’t want to just go over there and… I don’t know. It needs to be something bigger. I need to show him how I feel.”

“You need a grand gesture?” B asked, laughing.

“Yes!”

“Uh… I was kidding. But okay.”

“Kidding about what?” Jess asked as she walked into Bianca’s bedroom. “Your dad let me in. I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course,” B said. “And you’re just in time. Casey needs to plan a big romantic gesture for Toby.”

“Oh, fun!” Jess exclaimed, clapping her hands together. I guess B had already filled her in about the whole Toby situation. “I love big romantic gestures. Do you know where you want to do it yet? Or when?”

I shook my head. “I haven’t really—”

“What about New Year’s Eve?” she suggested. “At the Nest. There’s going to be a big party, and I bet he’ll be there. Everybody will. And what’s more romantic than the Nest?”

“A lot of things,” B muttered.

“Jess, that’s kind of perfect,” I said. I looked down at the bracelet on my wrist, the tiny gold letters catching the light. “New Year’s Eve… I think I have an idea. But I need some paint.”

***

“Where is he?” I asked. “Jeanine said he’d be here.”

“I’m sure he’s coming,” Jess said. “Now stop biting your nails. I just painted them.”

“Sorry. I’m just really nervous.”

“I know.” She gave me a one-armed hug. “You look gorgeous, though.”

“Thanks.”

“Hey.” B slipped into the booth across from us, holding a glass of Cherry Coke, her usual. “He’s here. I just saw his car pull up outside.”

“OMG.” I took a deep breath. “Okay. Here goes nothing.”

“Don’t forget your sign,” Jess said, pulling the large piece of cardboard from under the table and handing it to me.

I swallowed. Hard. “Wish me luck.”

“You don’t need it,” B said. “Or the sign.”

“I like the sign,” Jess said.

“It’s cheesy.”

“It’s sweet!”

“Guys!” I interrupted. “I’m using the sign. Just, please, say good luck or break a leg or something?”

“Good luck,” Jess said.

“Break a leg,” B offered.

“Thank you.”

I felt myself shaking as I lugged my cardboard sign out to the middle of the dance floor, weaving between grinding couples and shimmying singles. I could feel everyone staring at me, giving me questioning, confused looks. And they hadn’t seen anything yet.

“OMG, OMG, OMG,” I whispered. “Here goes nothing.” And I picked the sign up and held it over my head.

My arms shook as I watched the door, waiting for Toby to walk inside. All around me I saw people’s lips moving, mouthing the letters on the sign: ILTT. Then blank looks before they turned and whispered to their friends. I could hear a few of them.

“What is she doing?”

“What does that mean?”

“Didn’t she used to be a cheerleader or something?”

I bit my lip and just kept watching the door.

Finally, he walked inside. I felt my heart speed up as my whole body went into panic mode. What if he was still upset? What if this wasn’t enough? What if he thought I was a cheesy idiot and was embarrassed to be seen with me? Every possible negative thought ran through my head as I watched Toby glance around the room, looking for an empty table, and then…

Then he saw me.

For a second it felt like everything had frozen. People were still dancing. The music was still playing. But neither Toby nor I moved. He was looking at me—at the huge sign over my head—and standing so still he could have been made of stone. And maybe I was, too, because a second later I had to remind myself to breathe.

Finally, he started walking toward me. It seemed to take him forever to make his way through the crowd, but eventually he was there, in front of me, and I… I had no idea. Luckily, he spoke first.

“ILTT,” he said.

“Yeah.” I lowered the sign, holding it at waist level. “ILTT.”

“And that means…?”

“I like Toby Tucker,” I said. “Or… I love Toby Tucker, maybe. I don’t know.” My face was on fire, so I turned away, unable to look him in the eyes. I was so embarrassed and nervous that I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me.

It took him a second to say anything, which just made it that much worse. But then I felt a hand next to mine as Toby reached out and gripped the top of the sign. I took a chance and looked at him. He was smiling.

“You know,” he said. “I think that’s an abbreviation I can get behind.”

A smile broke across my face and I laughed, so happy and relieved. He laughed, too. I dropped the sign and wrapped my arms around him. And his were around me. And I don’t think either of us wanted to let go. I pulled back a little, just enough to kiss him. It wasn’t a sloppy, grope-y, eww-not-in-public kiss. It was simple and sweet, and I wanted it to last forever.

“Save some for midnight!”

Reluctantly, Toby and I pulled apart. Wesley was walking through the crowd, carrying a couple cans of soda. He waved as he passed us, then headed toward the booth where I’d left B and Jess.

“So,” Toby said. “He knows. Does that mean…?”

“Bianca knows. And she’s actually okay with it. I should’ve told her sooner. I shouldn’t have kept you a secret. I’m sorry.” I let out a breath. “But now she knows. Everybody knows.”

“I suppose they do,” he said. “Thanks to your sign. I wasn’t expecting that, by the way.”

“Oh, you haven’t seen the back!” I bent down to pick up the cardboard. “I have another abbreviation you might like.” I flipped it over and held it up to my chest so he could see the other side.

“TTFP,” he read.

“Yep. Toby Tucker For President. I figure I’ll be making a lot of these in twenty years or so. I should get started now.”

He chuckled. “You’re ridiculous.”

“But that’s why you like me, right?”

“Perhaps.” He smiled and tapped the sign. “I need one that says ILCB, I guess.”

“I’ll get on that.” I leaned forward and kissed him again. “Now, come on. Everyone at the booth is totally staring at us and waiting to know what happened.” I tucked the sign under my arm and grabbed his hand, and we made our way to the table where my friends were waiting.

“And here comes the happy couple,” Wesley said as Toby and I squeezed into the booth next to Jess. He reached across the table and extended his hand to Toby. “Nice to see you again.”

“You too,” Toby said, shaking Wesley’s hand.

“It’s so nice everyone can be so civil,” Jess said. “I mean, considering Wesley walked in on Bianca and Toby making out that one time and then Bianca dumped Toby to be with—”

“Okay,” B said very loudly. “Time to change the subject.”

Toby was on top of it. “What’s everyone’s New Year’s resolutions?” he asked.

“Mine is to call home more often,” Wesley said. “I’m not the best at keeping in touch. Oh, and to—”

“If you tell them the other one, I will kill you,” B said.

“Why? What is it?” Jess asked, puzzled.

“It must be something dirty,” I said.

“It is,” B said. She looked at Wesley. “And it’s never going to happen.”

He made a face of mock disappointment. “You break my heart, Bianca Piper. Speaking of things that’ll never happen, tell them yours.”

“Shut up. It’ll happen.”

“Oh, what’s yours, Bianca?” Jess asked.

“I’m going to curse less.”

Every. Single. One of us burst out laughing.

“What?” B demanded. “I can do it. I’m not that profane.”

I cleared my throat. “Yeah. Sure…. And you, Jess?”

She sighed dramatically. “I’m going to get over Harrison Carlyle. I think it’s time I move on…. Guys, I think he might be gay.”

I opened my mouth, about to remind her that we’d been trying to tell her that for years, but she looked so disappointed that I couldn’t make myself do it. So I just patted her on the shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jess. It’s his loss. He’ll never find someone with shinier hair than yours.”

She gave me a small smile.

“What about you, Casey?” Toby asked. “Are you going to cut back on the abbreviations?”

“No,” I said. “I kind of like them. Especially the new ones—like ILTT.” He blushed. I shook my head. “No, my resolution is to stop with the secrets. I think that should be all of ours.” I looked at B and Jess. “This year has been full of lies and secrets, and it sucks. So, no more. No secrets from one another this year.”

“I can drink to that,” B said, raising her glass of Cherry Coke.

“Me too,” Toby said.

We all lifted our glasses of soda. “To no secrets,” I said. “Or lies.”

“No secrets or lies,” they repeated. And we all drank.

It was the best New Year’s I’d had in a long time. We all hung out and laughed and danced. But there was a thought in the back of my mind. A small hole letting the air seep out of my happy balloon.

“We go back to college in two weeks,” I told Toby while we danced to a slow song. “What are we going to do then?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You’re, like, a million states away—”

“That’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

“—and we’ll be long distance. I’m nervous.”

He tightened his arm around my waist and kissed me on the cheek. “We’ll figure it out,” he said. “It won’t be easy—we both know that—but we’ll take it as it comes.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

“You know, I’m not superstitious,” he said. “But they say whomever you kiss at midnight on New Year’s will be with you all year.”

“Didn’t you kiss your ex last year, though? That girl you dated before B—Nina, right? That didn’t turn out so well.”

“I didn’t, actually. She was in Florida with her parents. Who did you kiss?”

“No one. I spent the night at Bianca’s.”

The music stopped and Joe, the pseudo-bartender of the underage club, came over the speakers. “Time for the countdown. Here we go. Ten… nine…”

Toby smiled at me. “Want to be superstitious?” he asked.

“Seven… six…”

I laughed. “Okay. Let’s be superstitious.”

“All right.”

“Four… three… two… one… Happy New Year!”

The place exploded with shouts and cheers and whistles.

And I kissed Toby Tucker.