Текст книги "The Fault in Our Stars "

Автор книги: John Green

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ALSO BY JOHN GREEN

Looking for A laska

A n A bundance of Katherines

Paper Towns

Will Grayson, Will Grayson

W IT H DAVID LEVIT HAN

DUTTON BOOKS| An imprint of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

DUTTON BOOKS

A M E M BE R O F P E N G U IN G RO U P (U S A ) IN C .

P ublished by the P enguin G roup | P enguin G roup (U S A ) Inc., 375 H udson S treet, N ew York, N ew York 10014, U .S .A . | P enguin G roup (C anada), 90 E glinton A v enue E ast, S uite 700, Toronto, O ntario M 4P 2Y3, C anada (a div ision of P earson P enguin C anada Inc.) | P enguin Books Ltd, 80 S trand, London WC 2R 0RL, E ngland | P enguin Ireland, 25 S t S tephen’s G reen, Dublin 2, Ireland (a div ision of P enguin Books Ltd) | P enguin G roup (A ustralia), 250 C amberw ell Road, C amberw ell, V ictoria 3124, A ustralia (a div ision of P earson A ustralia G roup P ty Ltd) | P enguin Books India P v t Ltd, 11 C ommunity C entre, P anchsheel P ark, N ew Delhi – 110 017, India | P enguin G roup (N Z), 67 A pollo Driv e, Rosedale, A uckland 0632, N ew Zealand (a div ision of P earson N ew Zealand Ltd) | P enguin Books (S outh A frica) (P ty ) Ltd, 24 S turdee A v enue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, S outh A frica | P enguin Books Ltd, Registered O ffices: 80 S trand, London WC 2R 0RL, E ngland This book is a w ork of fiction. N ames, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously , and any resemblance to actual persons, liv ing or dead, business establishments, ev ents, or locales is entirely coincidental.

C opy right © 2012 by John G reen

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C IP Data is av ailable.

P ublished in the U nited S tates by Dutton Books, a member of P enguin G roup (U S A ) Inc. 345 H udson S treet, N ew York, N ew York 10014

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Designed by Irene V anderv oort

IS BN 978-1-101-56918-4

T O EST HER EARL

Contents

EPIGRA PH

A UTHOR’S NOTE

CHA PTER ONE

CHA PTER TWO

CHA PTER THREE

CHA PTER FOUR

CHA PTER FIVE

CHA PTER SIX

CHA PTER SEVEN

CHA PTER EIGHT

CHA PTER NINE

CHA PTER TEN

CHA PTER ELEVEN

CHA PTER TWELVE

CHA PTER THIRTEEN

CHA PTER FOURTEEN

CHA PTER FIFTEEN

CHA PTER SIXTEEN

CHA PTER SEVENTEEN

CHA PTER EIGHTEEN

CHA PTER NINETEEN

CHA PTER TWENTY

CHA PTER TWENTY-ONE

CHA PTER TWENTY-TWO

CHA PTER TWENTY-THREE

CHA PTER TWENTY-FOUR

CHA PTER TWENTY-FIVE

A s the tide washed in, the Dutch Tulip Man faced the ocean: “Conjoiner rejoinder poisoner concealer revelator. Look at it, rising up and

rising down, taking everything with it.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Water,” the Dutchman said. “Well, and time.”

–PETER VAN HOUTEN, An Imperial Affliction

AUTHOR’S NOTE

This is not so much an author’s note as an author’s reminder of what was printed in small type a few pages ago: This book is a work of

fiction. I made it up.

Neither novels nor their readers benefit from attempts to divine whether any facts hide inside a story. Such efforts attack the very idea

that made-up stories can matter, which is sort of the foundational assumption of our species.

I appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

CHAPTER ONE

Late in the winter of my seventeenth year, my mother decided I was depressed, presumably because I rarely left the house, spent quite a lot of time in bed, read the same book over and over, ate infrequently, and devoted quite a bit of my abundant free time to thinking about death.

Whenever you read a cancer booklet or website or whatever, they always list depression among the side effects of cancer. But, in fact,

depression is not a side effect of cancer. Depression is a side effect of dying. (Cancer is also a side effect of dying. A lmost everything is, really.) But my mom believed I required treatment, so she took me to see my Regular Doctor Jim, who agreed that I was veritably swimming

in a paralyzing and totally clinical depression, and that therefore my meds should be adjusted and also I should attend a weekly Support

Group.

This Support Group featured a rotating cast of characters in various states of tumor-driven unwellness. Why did the cast rotate? A side

effect of dying.

The Support Group, of course, was depressing as hell. It met every Wednesday in the basement of a stone-walled Episcopal church

shaped like a cross. We all sat in a circle right in the middle of the cross, where the two boards would have met, where the heart of Jesus would have been.

I noticed this because Patrick, the Support Group Leader and only person over eighteen in the room, talked about the heart of Jesus

every freaking meeting, all about how we, as young cancer survivors, were sitting right in Christ’s very sacred heart and whatever.

So here’s how it went in God’s heart: The six or seven or ten of us walked/wheeled in, grazed at a decrepit selection of cookies and

lemonade, sat down in the Circle of Trust, and listened to Patrick recount for the thousandth time his depressingly miserable life story—how he had cancer in his balls and they thought he was going to die but he didn’t die and now here he is, a full-grown adult in a church basement in the 137th nicest city in A merica, divorced, addicted to video games, mostly friendless, eking out a meager living by exploiting his

cancertastic past, slowly working his way toward a master’s degree that will not improve his career prospects, waiting, as we all do, for the sword of Damocles to give him the relief that he escaped lo those many years ago when cancer took both of his nuts but spared what only the most generous soul would call his life.

A ND YOU TOO MIGHT BE SO LUCKY!

Then we introduced ourselves: Name. A ge. Diagnosis. A nd how we’re doing today. I’m Hazel, I’d say when they’d get to me. Sixteen.

Thyroid originally but with an impressive and long-settled satellite colony in my lungs. A nd I’m doing okay.

Once we got around the circle, Patrick always asked if anyone wanted to share. A nd then began the circle jerk of support: everyone

talking about fighting and battling and winning and shrinking and scanning. To be fair to Patrick, he let us talk about dying, too. But most of them weren’t dying. Most would live into adulthood, as Patrick had.

(Which meant there was quite a lot of competitiveness about it, with everybody wanting to beat not only cancer itself, but also the other

people in the room. Like, I realize that this is irrational, but when they tell you that you have, say, a 20 percent chance of living five years, the math kicks in and you figure that’s one in five . . . so you look around and think, as any healthy person would: I gotta outlast four of these bastards.)

The only redeeming facet of Support Group was this kid named Isaac, a long-faced, skinny guy with straight blond hair swept over one

eye.

A nd his eyes were the problem. He had some fantastically improbable eye cancer. One eye had been cut out when he was a kid, and now

he wore the kind of thick glasses that made his eyes (both the real one and the glass one) preternaturally huge, like his whole head was

basically just this fake eye and this real eye staring at you. From what I could gather on the rare occasions when Isaac shared with the group, a recurrence had placed his remaining eye in mortal peril.

Isaac and I communicated almost exclusively through sighs. Each time someone discussed anticancer diets or snorting ground-up shark

fin or whatever, he’d glance over at me and sigh ever so slightly. I’d shake my head microscopically and exhale in response.

So Support Group blew, and after a few weeks, I grew to be rather kicking-and-screaming about the whole affair. In fact, on the Wednesday I made the acquaintance of A ugustus Waters, I tried my level best to get out of Support Group while sitting on the couch with my mom in the

third leg of a twelve-hour marathon of the previous season’s A merica’s Next Top Model, which admittedly I had already seen, but still.

Me: “I refuse to attend Support Group.”

Mom: “One of the symptoms of depression is disinterest in activities.”

Me: “Please just let me watch A merica’s Next Top Model. It’s an activity.”

Mom: “Television is a passivity.”

Me: “Ugh, Mom, please.”

Mom: “Hazel, you’re a teenager. You’re not a little kid anymore. You need to make friends, get out of the house, and live your life.”

Me: “If you want me to be a teenager, don’t send me to Support Group. Buy me a fake ID so I can go to clubs, drink vodka, and take

pot.”

Mom: “You don’t take pot, for starters.”

Me: “See, that’s the kind of thing I’d know if you got me a fake ID.”

Mom: “You’re going to Support Group.”

Me: “UGGGGGGGGGGGGG.”

Mom: “Hazel, you deserve a life.”

That shut me up, although I failed to see how attendance at Support Group met the definition of life. Still, I agreed to go—after

negotiating the right to record the 1.5 episodes of A NTM I’d be missing.

I went to Support Group for the same reason that I’d once allowed nurses with a mere eighteen months of graduate education to poison

me with exotically named chemicals: I wanted to make my parents happy. There is only one thing in this world shittier than biting it from

cancer when you’re sixteen, and that’s having a kid who bites it from cancer.

Mom pulled into the circular driveway behind the church at 4:56. I pretended to fiddle with my oxygen tank for a second just to kill time.

“Do you want me to carry it in for you?”

“No, it’s fine,” I said. The cylindrical green tank only weighed a few pounds, and I had this little steel cart to wheel it around behind me.

It delivered two liters of oxygen to me each minute through a cannula, a transparent tube that split just beneath my neck, wrapped behind my ears, and then reunited in my nostrils. The contraption was necessary because my lungs sucked at being lungs.

“I love you,” she said as I got out.

“You too, Mom. See you at six.”

“Make friends!” she said through the rolled-down window as I walked away.

I didn’t want to take the elevator because taking the elevator is a Last Days kind of activity at Support Group, so I took the stairs. I

grabbed a cookie and poured some lemonade into a Dixie cup and then turned around.

A boy was staring at me.

I was quite sure I’d never seen him before. Long and leanly muscular, he dwarfed the molded plastic elementary school chair he was

sitting in. Mahogany hair, straight and short. He looked my age, maybe a year older, and he sat with his tailbone against the edge of the

chair, his posture aggressively poor, one hand half in a pocket of dark jeans.

I looked away, suddenly conscious of my myriad insufficiencies. I was wearing old jeans, which had once been tight but now sagged in

weird places, and a yellow T-shirt advertising a band I didn’t even like anymore. A lso my hair: I had this pageboy haircut, and I hadn’t even bothered to, like, brush it. Furthermore, I had ridiculously fat chipmunked cheeks, a side effect of treatment. I looked like a normally

proportioned person with a balloon for a head. This was not even to mention the cankle situation. A nd yet—I cut a glance to him, and his

eyes were still on me.

It occurred to me why they call it eye contact.

I walked into the circle and sat down next to Isaac, two seats away from the boy. I glanced again. He was still watching me.

Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault.

But a hot boy . . . well.

I pulled out my phone and clicked it so it would display the time: 4:59. The circle filled in with the unlucky twelve-to-eighteens, and then Patrick started us out with the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The guy was still staring at me. I felt rather blushy.

Finally, I decided that the proper strategy was to stare back. Boys do not have a monopoly on the Staring Business, after all. So I looked

him over as Patrick acknowledged for the thousandth time his ball-lessness etc., and soon it was a staring contest. A fter a while the boy

smiled, and then finally his blue eyes glanced away. When he looked back at me, I flicked my eyebrows up to say, I win.

He shrugged. Patrick continued and then finally it was time for the introductions. “Isaac, perhaps you’d like to go first today. I know

you’re facing a challenging time.”

“Yeah,” Isaac said. “I’m Isaac. I’m seventeen. A nd it’s looking like I have to get surgery in a couple weeks, after which I’ll be blind. Not to complain or anything because I know a lot of us have it worse, but yeah, I mean, being blind does sort of suck. My girlfriend helps, though.

A nd friends like A ugustus.” He nodded toward the boy, who now had a name. “So, yeah,” Isaac continued. He was looking at his hands,

which he’d folded into each other like the top of a tepee. “There’s nothing you can do about it.”

“We’re here for you, Isaac,” Patrick said. “Let Isaac hear it, guys.” A nd then we all, in a monotone, said, “We’re here for you, Isaac.”

Michael was next. He was twelve. He had leukemia. He’d always had leukemia. He was okay. (Or so he said. He’d taken the elevator.)

Lida was sixteen, and pretty enough to be the object of the hot boy’s eye. She was a regular—in a long remission from appendiceal

cancer, which I had not previously known existed. She said—as she had every other time I’d attended Support Group—that she felt strong,

which felt like bragging to me as the oxygen-drizzling nubs tickled my nostrils.

There were five others before they got to him. He smiled a little when his turn came. His voice was low, smoky, and dead sexy. “My

name is A ugustus Waters,” he said. “I’m seventeen. I had a little touch of osteosarcoma a year and a half ago, but I’m just here today at

Isaac’s request.”

“A nd how are you feeling?” asked Patrick.

“Oh, I’m grand.” A ugustus Waters smiled with a corner of his mouth. “I’m on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend.”

When it was my turn, I said, “My name is Hazel. I’m sixteen. Thyroid with mets in my lungs. I’m okay.”

The hour proceeded apace: Fights were recounted, battles won amid wars sure to be lost; hope was clung to; families were both

celebrated and denounced; it was agreed that friends just didn’t get it; tears were shed; comfort proffered. Neither A ugustus Waters nor I spoke again until Patrick said, “A ugustus, perhaps you’d like to share your fears with the group.”

“My fears?”

“Yes.”

“I fear oblivion,” he said without a moment’s pause. “I fear it like the proverbial blind man who’s afraid of the dark.”

“Too soon,” Isaac said, cracking a smile.

“Was that insensitive?” A ugustus asked. “I can be pretty blind to other people’s feelings.”

Isaac was laughing, but Patrick raised a chastening finger and said, “A ugustus, please. Let’s return to you and your struggles. You said

you fear oblivion?”

“I did,” A ugustus answered.

Patrick seemed lost. “Would, uh, would anyone like to speak to that?”

I hadn’t been in proper school in three years. My parents were my two best friends. My third best friend was an author who did not know

I existed. I was a fairly shy person—not the hand-raising type.

A nd yet, just this once, I decided to speak. I half raised my hand and Patrick, his delight evident, immediately said, “Hazel!” I was, I’m sure he assumed, opening up. Becoming Part Of The Group.

I looked over at A ugustus Waters, who looked back at me. You could almost see through his eyes they were so blue. “There will come a

time,” I said, “when all of us are dead. A ll of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember A ristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this”—I gestured encompassingly—“will have been for

naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not

survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. A nd if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that’s what everyone else does.”

I’d learned this from my aforementioned third best friend, Peter Van Houten, the reclusive author of A n Imperial A ffliction, the book that was as close a thing as I had to a Bible. Peter Van Houten was the only person I’d ever come across who seemed to (a) understand what it’s

like to be dying, and (b) not have died.

A fter I finished, there was quite a long period of silence as I watched a smile spread all the way across A ugustus’s face—not the little

crooked smile of the boy trying to be sexy while he stared at me, but his real smile, too big for his face. “Goddamn,” A ugustus said quietly.

“A ren’t you something else.”

Neither of us said anything for the rest of Support Group. A t the end, we all had to hold hands, and Patrick led us in a prayer. “Lord

Jesus Christ, we are gathered here in Your heart, literally in Your heart, as cancer survivors. You and You alone know us as we know

ourselves. Guide us to life and the Light through our times of trial. We pray for Isaac’s eyes, for Michael’s and Jamie’s blood, for A ugustus’s bones, for Hazel’s lungs, for James’s throat. We pray that You might heal us and that we might feel Your love, and Your peace, which passes all understanding. A nd we remember in our hearts those whom we knew and loved who have gone home to you: Maria and Kade and Joseph

and Haley and A bigail and A ngelina and Taylor and Gabriel and . . .”

It was a long list. The world contains a lot of dead people. A nd while Patrick droned on, reading the list from a sheet of paper because it was too long to memorize, I kept my eyes closed, trying to think prayerfully but mostly imagining the day when my name would find its way

onto that list, all the way at the end when everyone had stopped listening.

When Patrick was finished, we said this stupid mantra together—LIVING OUR BEST LIFE TODA Y—and it was over. A ugustus Waters

pushed himself out of his chair and walked over to me. His gait was crooked like his smile. He towered over me, but he kept his distance so I wouldn’t have to crane my neck to look him in the eye. “What’s your name?” he asked.

“Hazel.”

“No, your full name.”

“Um, Hazel Grace Lancaster.” He was just about to say something else when Isaac walked up. “Hold on,” A ugustus said, raising a finger,

and turned to Isaac. “That was actually worse than you made it out to be.”

“I told you it was bleak.”

“Why do you bother with it?”

“I don’t know. It kind of helps?”

A ugustus leaned in so he thought I couldn’t hear. “She’s a regular?” I couldn’t hear Isaac’s comment, but A ugustus responded, “I’ll say.”

He clasped Isaac by both shoulders and then took a half step away from him. “Tell Hazel about clinic.”

Isaac leaned a hand against the snack table and focused his huge eye on me. “Okay, so I went into clinic this morning, and I was telling

my surgeon that I’d rather be deaf than blind. A nd he said, ‘It doesn’t work that way,’ and I was, like, ‘Yeah, I realize it doesn’t work that way; I’m just saying I’d rather be deaf than blind if I had the choice, which I realize I don’t have,’ and he said, ‘Well, the good news is that you won’t be deaf,’ and I was like, ‘Thank you for explaining that my eye cancer isn’t going to make me deaf. I feel so fortunate that an intellectual giant like yourself would deign to operate on me.’”

“He sounds like a winner,” I said. “I’m gonna try to get me some eye cancer just so I can make this guy’s acquaintance.”

“Good luck with that. A ll right, I should go. Monica’s waiting for me. I gotta look at her a lot while I can.”

“Counterinsurgence tomorrow?” A ugustus asked.

“Definitely.” Isaac turned and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

A ugustus Waters turned to me. “Literally,” he said.

“Literally?” I asked.

“We are literally in the heart of Jesus,” he said. “I thought we were in a church basement, but we are literally in the heart of Jesus.”

“Someone should tell Jesus,” I said. “I mean, it’s gotta be dangerous, storing children with cancer in your heart.”

“I would tell Him myself,” A ugustus said, “but unfortunately I am literally stuck inside of His heart, so He won’t be able to hear me.” I

laughed. He shook his head, just looking at me.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

A ugustus half smiled. “Because you’re beautiful. I enjoy looking at beautiful people, and I decided a while ago not to deny myself the

simpler pleasures of existence.” A brief awkward silence ensued. A ugustus plowed through: “I mean, particularly given that, as you so

deliciously pointed out, all of this will end in oblivion and everything.”

I kind of scoffed or sighed or exhaled in a way that was vaguely coughy and then said, “I’m not beau—”

“You’re like a millennial Natalie Portman. Like V for Vendetta Natalie Portman.”

“Never seen it,” I said.

“Really?” he asked. “Pixie-haired gorgeous girl dislikes authority and can’t help but fall for a boy she knows is trouble. It’s your

autobiography, so far as I can tell.”

His every syllable flirted. Honestly, he kind of turned me on. I didn’t even know that guys could turn me on—not, like, in real life.

A younger girl walked past us. “How’s it going, A lisa?” he asked. She smiled and mumbled, “Hi, A ugustus.” “Memorial people,” he

explained. Memorial was the big research hospital. “Where do you go?”

“Children’s,” I said, my voice smaller than I expected it to be. He nodded. The conversation seemed over. “Well,” I said, nodding vaguely

toward the steps that led us out of the Literal Heart of Jesus. I tilted my cart onto its wheels and started walking. He limped beside me. “So, see you next time, maybe?” I asked.

“You should see it,” he said. “V for Vendetta, I mean.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll look it up.”

“No. With me. A t my house,” he said. “Now.”

I stopped walking. “I hardly know you, A ugustus Waters. You could be an ax murderer.”

He nodded. “True enough, Hazel Grace.” He walked past me, his shoulders filling out his green knit polo shirt, his back straight, his steps lilting just slightly to the right as he walked steady and confident on what I had determined was a prosthetic leg. Osteosarcoma sometimes

takes a limb to check you out. Then, if it likes you, it takes the rest.

I followed him upstairs, losing ground as I made my way up slowly, stairs not being a field of expertise for my lungs.

A nd then we were out of Jesus’s heart and in the parking lot, the spring air just on the cold side of perfect, the late-afternoon light

heavenly in its hurtfulness.

Mom wasn’t there yet, which was unusual, because Mom was almost always waiting for me. I glanced around and saw that a tall, curvy

brunette girl had Isaac pinned against the stone wall of the church, kissing him rather aggressively. They were close enough to me that I

could hear the weird noises of their mouths together, and I could hear him saying, “A lways,” and her saying, “A lways,” in return.

Suddenly standing next to me, A ugustus half whispered, “They’re big believers in PDA .”

“What’s with the ‘always’?” The slurping sounds intensified.

“A lways is their thing. They’ll always love each other and whatever. I would conservatively estimate they have texted each other the word

always four million times in the last year.”

A couple more cars drove up, taking Michael and A lisa away. It was just A ugustus and me now, watching Isaac and Monica, who

proceeded apace as if they were not leaning against a place of worship. His hand reached for her boob over her shirt and pawed at it, his

palm still while his fingers moved around. I wondered if that felt good. Didn’t seem like it would, but I decided to forgive Isaac on the

grounds that he was going blind. The senses must feast while there is yet hunger and whatever.

“Imagine taking that last drive to the hospital,” I said quietly. “The last time you’ll ever drive a car.”

Without looking over at me, A ugustus said, “You’re killing my vibe here, Hazel Grace. I’m trying to observe young love in its many-

splendored awkwardness.”

“I think he’s hurting her boob,” I said.

“Yes, it’s difficult to ascertain whether he is trying to arouse her or perform a breast exam.” Then A ugustus Waters reached into a pocket and pulled out, of all things, a pack of cigarettes. He flipped it open and put a cigarette between his lips.

“A re you serious?” I asked. “You think that’s cool? Oh, my God, you just ruined the whole thing.”

“Which whole thing?” he asked, turning to me. The cigarette dangled unlit from the unsmiling corner of his mouth.

“The whole thing where a boy who is not unattractive or unintelligent or seemingly in any way unacceptable stares at me and points out

incorrect uses of literality and compares me to actresses and asks me to watch a movie at his house. But of course there is always a hamartia and yours is that oh, my God, even though you HA D FREA KING CA NCER you give money to a company in exchange for the chance to acquire

YET MORE CA NCER. Oh, my God. Let me just assure you that not being able to breathe? SUCKS. Totally disappointing. Totally.”

“A hamartia?” he asked, the cigarette still in his mouth. It tightened his jaw. He had a hell of a jawline, unfortunately.

“A fatal flaw,” I explained, turning away from him. I stepped toward the curb, leaving A ugustus Waters behind me, and then I heard a

car start down the street. It was Mom. She’d been waiting for me to, like, make friends or whatever.

I felt this weird mix of disappointment and anger welling up inside of me. I don’t even know what the feeling was, really, just that there

was a lot of it, and I wanted to smack A ugustus Waters and also replace my lungs with lungs that didn’t suck at being lungs. I was standing with my Chuck Taylors on the very edge of the curb, the oxygen tank ball-and-chaining in the cart by my side, and right as my mom pulled

up, I felt a hand grab mine.

I yanked my hand free but turned back to him.

“They don’t kill you unless you light them,” he said as Mom arrived at the curb. “A nd I’ve never lit one. It’s a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the power to do its killing.”

“It’s a metaphor,” I said, dubious. Mom was just idling.

“It’s a metaphor,” he said.

“You choose your behaviors based on their metaphorical resonances . . .” I said.

“Oh, yes.” He smiled. The big, goofy, real smile. “I’m a big believer in metaphor, Hazel Grace.”

I turned to the car. Tapped the window. It rolled down. “I’m going to a movie with A ugustus Waters,” I said. “Please record the next

several episodes of the A NTM marathon for me.”