Текст книги "A shadow in the ember"
Автор книги: Jennifer L. Armentrout
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Текущая страница: 34 (всего у книги 42 страниц)
A flash of sudden, bright light streaked through the sky, blinding me. I stumbled back against stone as a whooping cry went up from the guards. They leapt onto the ledge of the wall, kneeling as they took aim with bows and arrows.
The shrill pitch of a scream spun me back to the harbor just in time to see an arrow strike a dakkai in the head. It fell back, exploding into nothing, just as the Hunters had. Another arrow struck a second dakkai as it reached the top of the bluff—the bluff, where there was no protection. The arrows were coming from there. I twisted, and my legs almost gave out on me.
Five massive black steeds erupted from the mist, their hooves shattering rock as they sped down the bluff. Nyktos. He and the other four rose onto the backs of their horses, kneeling in a crouch as they fired arrows at the dakkais. The one cloaked, who had joined them as they left the gates, stood completely upright, the force of the steep descent lifting the hood, revealing a thick braid the color of the darkest hour of night. It was a female who fired the next arrow, standing astride her horse.
“Fucking Bele,” Rhain muttered with a grin as he leapt onto a nearby ledge, drawing an arrow tight. “Is there ever a time when she doesn’t like to show off?”
That was Bele?
A volley of arrows was released, and I snapped into action. I grabbed a bow and an arrow from a nearby quiver, quickly nocking it like Sir Holland had taught me so many years ago.
As Nyktos broke to the front, I pulled the string back and took aim, firing an arrow. Several of the dakkais rushed the sailors who’d made it to the piers, apparently unaware that their ships were far safer. I released another arrow and then watched it cut through the night, smacking into the back of the dakkai’s head. My lip curled as the thing shattered into nothing.
“Who?” I asked, nocking another arrow. I truly didn’t understand what I was seeing. “Who do you think sent them?”
Rhain fired a second after me. He twisted, grabbing another arrow. “They’re pets of the Court of Dalos.”
My breath thinned. Kolis. I still hadn’t processed what I’d learned about him. I fired, striking one of the beasts as it reached the bluff.
Several more dakkais took notice of the sailors, who scrambled to get back to their ship. A man screamed as one of the dakkais launched itself onto where he clung to the side of the boat. I let the arrow fly, striking the dakkai in the back before it could land on the sailor. The creature exploded as it fell back into the waters.
Quickly readying another arrow, I aimed and fired, over and over as a horde of the creatures swarmed the ship and the men as the horses reached the edge of the bluff. The one who rode out front rose even higher, snagging my attention as I nocked another arrow. Nyktos leapt from Odin, twisting in midair. He landed in a crouch, and for a moment, I let myself be a little impressed by that feat.
And a little envious.
“He’s a showoff,” I muttered and then pitched forward as Odin bore down on him, leaping into the air—
Nyktos raised a hand, closing it into a fist, and Odin…Odin became nothing more than a shadow—one that wrapped itself around Nyktos’ arm, sinking into the skin around the silver band.
“What the hell?” I whispered, my eyes wide.
“That’s the first time you’ve seen him do that?” Ector asked from where he stood on the other side of Rhain. “Neat party trick, huh?”
“How is that even possible?” I asked.
“Odin isn’t your normal horse,” Ector replied.
“No shit,” I retorted.
Nyktos spun, catching my attention. The silver band glinted on his biceps as he caught a dakkai in one hand, lifting the enormous creature. He slammed the thing into the ground, planting a booted foot against its throat and reaching across his chest to unsheathe the short sword with a blade that glinted like onyx moonlight. He brought it down with a quick thrust, and the dakkai was no more.
Bele landed near him, striding forward, cloak lost somewhere. The stallion she’d ridden on raced away from the docks, joined by the other horses as they got out of the dakkais’ path. Bele reached back, unhooking the arrow at her hip. Her long legs were encased in either breeches or tights, arms bare, but no bands adorned them. She was too far away for me to make out the details of her face. Nyktos must’ve said something to her because her laugh reached us on the wall, sounding like wind chimes. Guards stilled along the wall as she picked up speed, launching into the air and coming down on the dakkai with her fist—no, with some sort of weapon. The dakkai shattered, and she landed where it’d once stood.
“I think I’m in love,” Ector said, and I felt like I might’ve fallen a little in love, too.
Rhain snorted.
A dakkai shot across the docks, launching into the air. Theon kicked out, knocking a dakkai back and thrusting his sword, shoving it deep into the creature’s chest.
“Now I think I’m in love,” Rhain murmured as Theon spun, slicing through the dakkai he’d kicked.
I loaded another arrow and spotted Nyktos once more. He planted a booted foot in a dakkai’s chest, pushing the thing back with stunning strength and sending it skidding several feet. Saion took it down as he turned, thrusting his sword into another.
Bele seemed to be having a grand old time as she made quick work of the dakkais clamoring for the men on the ship—sailors who now stood transfixed. Letting go of the string, I watched long enough to know that the arrow had struck the head of one of the things before reaching for another arrow.
“There’s more!” a guard down the wall shouted. “Coming inland.”
Nyktos turned as several dakkais broke the surface of the bay, clamoring over one another as they spilled onto the docks, their claws snapping more sections of wood.
One of the dakkais rushed Nyktos from behind, and I shifted my aim, releasing the arrow. Just as the Primal spun, it struck true, taking out the dakkai.
Nyktos’ head jerked up. With unnerving accuracy, he turned to where I stood.
My hand shook as I broke his stare and reached for another arrow. I doubted I’d get a thank you for that.
“Several just made it up,” a guard shouted, racing down the wall. “They’re heading for the gates.”
“Go!” Nyktos ordered.
Bele took off running. She quickly disappeared around the corner of a building as shouts of alarm filled the air. I rose from the parapet to see dozens more swarm the docks, scrambling out from the bay like a tide of death.
“Good gods,” Rhain rasped. “There are too many.”
Heart thumping heavily, I snapped forward, taking aim. I struck one, and three more took its place. My wide gaze scanned the docks. I saw Nyktos shove a dakkai back as another crashed into his side. A shout lodged in my throat as he stumbled. I fired an arrow, striking the dakkai. “Why isn’t he using his power? Why aren’t any of them using the eather?”
“Dakkai can sense eather—they feed off it. It’ll draw more to them,” Rhain said, throwing an empty quiver aside. “They’d be fucking swarmed.”
A harsh breath punched from my lungs as I looked at my nearly empty quiver.
“The wall!” a guard shouted. “On the wall!”
I looked down, and my stomach plummeted. A dozen or so dakkais were scaling the wall, punching their fists into the stone and breaking off enough of it to gain purchase on the otherwise smooth surface.
Dear gods…
They were moving fast, climbing several feet a second. Within a few too-short heartbeats, they would crest the ledge and overwhelm us.
Chapter 37
Spinning toward the quiver, I grabbed an arrow. There was only a handful left, not nearly enough. I returned to the gap in the stone as I nocked the arrow and fired, catching one of the dakkai on the top of its slick, shiny head. It fell from the wall, shattering into nothing as another took its place. A too-close scream sent a blast of fear through me as I lined up an arrow and pulled the string taut. I quickly scanned for Nyktos. I saw him near the water’s edge, surrounded—
Without warning, the sky and bay beyond the ledge blotted out. For a moment, I couldn’t understand what’d happened. A stuttered heartbeat later, I saw a flash of jagged, white teeth the size of my finger and realized that the dakkais weren’t exactly featureless. There were two thin slits where a nose would normally be. They flared wider as they sniffed at the air.
Sucking in a shallow breath, I released the string. The arrow pierced the dakkai’s mouth, knocking it back. Another hoarse shout echoed around me as I twisted, chest throbbing with the ember of life. I grabbed an arrow, spinning around, fingers steady even though my heart thundered.
My hood slipped and I jerked, falling on my rear as a dakkai came over the wall, landing in the parapet. Tiny pieces of stone were jarred loose and pelted my face as it too sniffed at the air like a dog hunting a fox.
I would never think of a bloodhound the same again.
The creature swung out with a thickly muscled arm, crashing its fist into the bow. The weapon cracked in two. Panic sank its icy claws into my heart as I yanked up my skirt and unsheathed the dagger in my boot. Twisting, I thrust the dagger up, slamming the blade deep in the vicinity of the thing’s chest with all my strength. The blade met resistance against its hard, shell-like skin, but the momentum of my swing brought the dagger home. Howling, it threw its head back as it shattered into a fine mist. Dampness hit my cheeks and arms, and the fine mist of whatever was left of the dakkai was soon swallowed by another creature launching itself over the wall, sniffing loudly. My heart stopped. Someone shouted as hot, stale breath blasted me in the face. An arrow pierced the dakkai’s chest, knocking it back from the Rise’s ledge.
Twisting onto my knees, I scrambled to my feet in time to see Rhain tossing the bow aside to pull his sword free. He thrust the blade through another dakkai that’d come over the Rise. I whirled at the sound of a grunt. Ector was pinned to the parapet wall, holding a creature back as it snapped at his throat. Grabbing the skirt of my gown, I leapt onto the short wall and shifted the dagger to my other hand so I held it by the blade. I cocked my arm back as I slid into the parapet behind Rhain and then threw the dagger. It struck the dakkai in the back, and a heartbeat later, my dagger fell to Ector’s feet as the dakkai shattered.
Ector’s head snapped up, his wide eyes landing on me. “Thank you.”
Nodding, I snatched up the dagger and rose, turning to the ledge. The dakkais were still coming over the wall. Guards were strewn about, throats and stomachs torn into and blood pooling. The center of my chest warmed, the ember sensing the injuries, seeking out the deaths. Some of the fallen guards had to be gods. I swallowed thickly, forcing the ember back down.
Heart thumping, I turned as another dakkai climbed the wall. I shot forward, slamming the dagger home. The damp mist hit my arms as I peered over the wall. My chest lurched as dozens more swarmed the docks. I searched for Nyktos or the other gods that had been with him but was unable to find any of them in the swarm of slick, muscled bodies. There were only three of them against a horde of teeth and claws, and they could only use their blades?
“Fuck this,” I muttered.
I backed away from the wall and then turned, scanning for the nearest stairs. Spotting them, I started toward the steep steps.
“Where are you going?” Ector demanded.
“Down there.”
“You can’t!” Rhain shouted.
“Try and stop me.” I jerked back as a dakkai rushed out from the parapet. Cursing, I dipped low, slamming the dagger into the beast’s side. I popped up as Rhain jumped over the parapet wall, stalking toward me. His expression made it clear that he would do exactly what I warned against. I spun around, determined to be faster than the god—
A low rumble echoed from the west, in the direction of the mist we’d rode through. My head jerked up as the sound turned into a thunderous growl that rattled the loose, broken stone.
“Fucking finally,” muttered Ector.
Something dark and broad took shape in the distant wall of mist—something very large and winged. Tiny bumps broke out over my skin as another appeared in the mist and then another. Air thinned in my lungs as a bone-rattling snarl overtook the shouts and screams.
A massive gray and black draken broke free of the mist at a startling speed. Nektas. He flew over the wall, the tips of his wings grazing one of the towers as he let out a deafening roar. I whirled, tracking his flight while he swooped sharply, jaws cracking open. Silvery-white fire erupted from him in a crackling roar. A fiery stream slammed down on the beach and docks, burning through the creatures, obliterating them as Nektas glided out toward the bay. He flew up and turned, surging back as another silvery ball of flame lit up the dead waters—
“Get down!” Rhain grabbed my arm, pulling me to the top of the wall as something blotted out the stars above.
Stale, lilac-scented air swirled over us, pulling at the edges of my cloak. The entire Rise shook as a draken landed on the ledge of the parapet I’d been firing from. I lifted my head just as the onyx-hued draken stretched out its neck, breathing the silver fire down on the shadowstone wall, burning the climbing dakkais. Several feet down the wall, an identical draken made impact, shaking the wall once more. The twins? What were their names? Orphine and Ehthawn. A large ball of silvery flames erupted overhead, slamming down on the docks while a black-and-brown draken rocketed over the wall—
Rhain clasped the back of my head, forcing it down as the draken’s horned tail swept over the Rise, sweeping dropped swords and bows off the edge. Another blast of silvery fire lit up the world.
“Good gods,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” Rhain drew out the word. “The draken aren’t all that aware of their surroundings. Especially not Orphine.”
Obviously.
Her brother Ehthawn kicked off the ledge, gliding down to the ground. Rhain’s hand slipped away, and I took that as a sign that it was safe to rise. I stood and stumbled forward on shaky legs. Ector did the same a few parapets away. There were deep grooves in the stone of the ledge now where the draken’s claws had dug in.
Silver fire lit the ground below as a draken fired on a cluster of dakkais. Nektas flew overhead, and I searched for anyone standing. I saw Theon first, near the charred docks. Then Saion and Rhahar farther up near the area of the bluffs. My thumping heart skipped. Where was—?
The rippling stream of fire faded, and I saw Nyktos then, stalking toward the wall, sword at his side. He had to hate me now, knowing what he did, but relief still crashed through me at the sight of him standing. Draken-stirred wind tossed strands of hair across his bluish-red spotted face. Blood. He’d bled tonight. He tipped his head back, looking up at the top of the Rise to where I stood. My breath caught, even though I knew he was only checking to make sure I was still alive.
Not because he cared.
Or because he still found me impressive.
But because of the ember of life.
Chest aching in a way I didn’t want to look too deeply into, I took a step back when Orphine’s head whipped toward the west and up, her lips peeling back in a low rumble of warning. I turned to the endless star-strewn sky. A cloud obscured the incandescent light, rapidly expanding, except there were no clouds in the Shadowlands.
“Off the Rise! Off the Rise!” someone shouted.
A horn blew again somewhere down the wall, and Orphine launched from the Rise, flying upward—
A ball of silvery fire erupted from above, narrowly missing the draken. I dropped to the floor of the Rise, rolling onto my back as the fire slammed into the tower, shaking the entire structure. Wind whipped over the Rise as Orphine crashed into a crimson-hued draken. I froze, shocked as she dug her back talons into its sides and went for the throat of the much larger beast.
“Fuck,” growled Rhain, grasping my arm. He yanked me to my feet. “We’ve got to get off the Rise.”
“Why are they fighting?” My boots slid over the stone as he pulled me out of the parapet. The two draken were a mass of snapping wings and teeth as they spun through the air.
“Draken are bonded to a Primal, Sera.” His head jerked up as the crimson draken shrieked. “Not to all Primals.”
I knew that, but I couldn’t believe I was seeing two of them go at it. “But I thought they weren’t allowed to attack other Primals.”
“That doesn’t mean they can’t attack the Court.” He shoved me in front of him. “And that also doesn’t mean that all Primals follow the rule.”
I had a sinking feeling I knew what Primal this draken belonged to. “Kolis?”
Rhain didn’t answer as we raced across the Rise, soon joined by Ector. The two draken fought above us, their spiked tails whipping through the air. The crimson draken twisted sharply, shaking off Orphine and sending her flying into the section of the Rise we’d been standing on. Shadowstone cracked like thunder. The impact sent a bolt of fear through me, worry for the draken, but Orphine twisted, thrusting her claws into the stone before sliding off the other side of the Rise. I looked ahead to where the stairs appeared.
“Fast,” Ector shouted. “Faster!”
A gust of wind swept over us from behind, tearing at my cloak and gown. My head jerked over my shoulder, and my heart stuttered. The crimson draken flew over the edge of the Rise, coming up right behind us. The frills around its head vibrated as its powerful jaws gaped open. Terror exploded deep inside me. In the center of the darkness, silver light sparked from the back of its throat—
Silvery flames slammed into the crimson draken, knocking it off course. I stumbled as Nektas swept over the Rise, his massive wings arcing above us. He fired on the enemy draken, his attack unrelenting as he drove the shrieking draken to the ground below. The draken fell hard, sending several guards on the steps against the wall of the staircase to keep from tumbling off.
Rhain slowed, his grip still firm on my arm as Nektas swooped down, landing on the ground beside the fallen draken. He circled the other as it tried to gain its footing, his tail sliding over the patchy gray grass. He snarled, pawing at the ground with sharp, thick talons. The guards on the steps stopped. So did Rhain and Ector, and I felt a warm pulse in my chest as movement on the ground below snagged my attention.
The Primal of Death stalked forward, the sword at his side slick and glistening in the starlight. Glimmering bluish-red blood ran down his cheeks and from where his black shirt was ripped on his chest, but his steps were long and sure as Nektas let out a deafening roar. Farther down the Rise, Ehthawn landed next to his sister, nudging her with a wing as she glared down at the crimson draken.
And then it happened.
The crimson draken shuddered and sparked—tiny bursts of silvery light erupting all over its trembling body as its head kicked back. The thick, spiked tail was the first to disappear, and then the body shrank rapidly, talons and limbs becoming legs and arms, scales receding to reveal patches of burnt, pinkish-red flesh across its chest and stomach. Spikes sank into shoulders, and frills smoothed out, replaced by a cap of curly brown hair.
A nude man lay there, his body a kaleidoscope of charred flesh and deep, seeping grooves. Bile crowded my throat. How he was still alive, I had no idea. He rolled onto his back, away from Nektas, turning his head toward the Primal.
The draken’s shoulder shook as a rasping, wet sound rattled out of him. He was laughing as he lay there—laughing as Death approached him.
“Oh, Nyktos, my boy,” the draken scraped out between rough laughs. “You have something…you shouldn’t have, and you know better. You’re going to be in so much trouble when he—”
“Shut the fuck up,” Nyktos growled and brought his sword down.
In one clean, steady strike, Nyktos severed the draken’s head.
Under Ector’s and Rhain’s watchful eyes, I waited at the foot of the thrones, sitting on the edge of the dais. Nyktos had ordered that they take me back to the palace, and I thought the decision had a lot to do with all the dying and dead around me. He didn’t want me using the ember in front of so many, and with the pulse of the fight lessening, I didn’t want to risk not being able to control it.
The two gods weren’t quite sure what to do with me, spending the trip back to the palace arguing over whether they should place me in my bedchambers or one of the cells that apparently existed beneath the throne room. I had different plans as I tapped the flat side of the curved shadowstone blade on my knee.
I wanted to be here when Nyktos returned.
That was possibly a ridiculous decision since it would probably be best if I made myself scarce. But I would not hide from what he knew I had been prepared to do, and I would not hide from him.
And he’d been injured. I wanted to make sure he was okay. How he surely felt about me now that he knew the truth didn’t matter. Concern haunted each minute. There hadn’t been nearly enough time on the ground with him to tell how badly he’d been hurt.
So, I sat there with Ector and Rhain, both guards keeping more of an eye on the dagger I held than anything else. They could take me out with eather, but they knew Nyktos didn’t want me dead. They also knew how fast I was with a blade now.
Only Aios had arrived since we returned to let the other gods know that Gemma had awakened briefly when Hamid arrived—the man who’d reported her missing at court—but had fallen back to sleep since. During her moments of consciousness, Aios hadn’t gotten the impression that Gemma was aware of what I’d done, but none of us could be sure.
Aios hadn’t spoken to me, and that hurt a little. I liked her, but Nyktos was her blood relative, and even if he weren’t, I had a feeling she’d still see nothing but a betrayer when she looked at me.
Breathe in.
I held that breath until my lungs burned and then slowly exhaled. Did I regret what I was willing to do to save my people, even if it would’ve done nothing to help them? How could I? How could I not? But my messy state of emotions wasn’t even nearly the most important thing I had to deal with. Besides the fact that I could be entirely wrong about Nyktos not killing me, there was this other Primal who had sent dakkais and a draken in response to feeling me use the ember of life. And if that Primal were Kolis? The King of Gods? He may not be able to bring life into creation, but he was still the oldest and most powerful Primal. If he wanted me dead, I would be dead.
But the question was, how many more people had to die between now and then? I closed my eyes and saw the Kazin siblings. I hadn’t used the ember of life that night, but it had throbbed intensely after I’d killed Lord Claus. I wasn’t sure about the night Andreia Joanis had been murdered, but more than mortals or godlings had been killed. There had been gods. And there would be more.
The strange whirring sensation in my chest alerted me to Nyktos’ return. I still didn’t understand that feeling or why it even existed, but I opened my eyes and slipped the dagger into my boot seconds before he entered the throne room. He’d wiped the blood from his face, but there were still cuts across his cheek and throat. They no longer bled that strange bluish-red, but the wounds hadn’t sealed like the one had when I stabbed him.
He wasn’t alone. Nektas walked beside him, shirtless as he’d been earlier in the day…or night? I had no idea how much time had passed. Saion was also with him, his steps slowing as Nyktos stalked forward.
As I slid off the dais and stood on surprisingly steady legs, all I saw was how coldly he’d brought that sword down on the draken. Those flat, frozen, silver eyes were now fixed on me.
“We didn’t know what to do with her,” Ector admitted, breaking the tense silence. “I suggested returning her to her bedchamber.”
“I thought the cell would be a more fitting place,” Rhain commented from the other side of the dais as Nektas halted in the center of the aisle. “However, she’s been sitting here this whole time waving the dagger you got her around, and since you appear to want her alive, that’s why we’re here.”
The corners of my lips turned down. I had not been waving the dagger around.
Nyktos stopped several feet from me. “Were you injured at all?” he clipped out.
I shook my head. “But you’ve been—” I sucked in a startled breath as Nyktos suddenly stood in front of me, having moved faster than I could track. Before I could even twitch, he hooked an arm under my right thigh and lifted my leg. Surprise shot through me, and I started to tip sideways. He curved his other arm around my waist, steadying me. I had no idea what he was doing, but I couldn’t move or think as I stared into his flat eyes.
“Uh,” Rhain murmured.
Without saying a word or breaking eye contact, he slid his hand down my thigh. A sharp swirl of tingles followed the glide of his palm and my breath caught. He smirked as his cool fingers drifted over my now-exposed knee. What was he—?
His gaze held mine as he reached down, curling those fingers around the hilt of my dagger. He slid it free. “Don’t really want another dagger in my chest.”
“Oh. Okay,” Rhain said. “That makes sense now.”
Nyktos let go, and I stumbled against the edge of the dais. Air punched out of my lungs as he moved away from me. “I wasn’t planning to.”
“Really?” He tucked the dagger into his waistband at his back. “Isn’t that exactly what you were planning?”
I snapped my mouth shut because what could I really say to that? His smirk deepening, he stared down at me, and it took everything in me not to try and defend the indefensible. “Was it Kolis who sent the dakkais and the draken?”
“Yes,” he answered.
My gaze dropped to the tear in his shirt. Was the wound still bleeding? That warm pulse in my chest nudged at me. “So, he knows I’m here.”
“He knows something is here,” he corrected. “He does not know the source, and that’s how I plan to keep it.”
There was a stupid skip in my chest. “Because you believe your father did something else besides putting the ember of life in my bloodline.”
His lips thinned. “I know he must have had a reason that goes beyond keeping the ember of life alive. If that were the case, he wouldn’t have put it in a mortal’s body. And until I figure out why he did what he did, Kolis will not get his hands on you.”
A deeper, fiery sting lanced across my chest as I squeezed my hands together. I forced my voice to steady. “And until then?”
“We will see.”
Meaning, if he discovered that the ember of life was simply just that, he could very well decide to end me. Though, I didn’t think he would. He wouldn’t do that to the mortal realm if there were even a slight chance that Aios was right. “That’s not what I meant.”
He raised a brow. “It’s not?”
“Will Kolis send others here to discover the source?” I asked.
“We’ll most likely have a short reprieve,” he told me.
The draken’s taunting words resurfaced. “And you? What will he do to you for hiding the source of this power?”
His features sharpened. “That’s none of your concern.”
“Bullshit.”
Nyktos’ eyes flared wide as eather slid into his irises. “Come again?”
“You said it was none of my concern. I said that’s bullshit,” I repeated, and the Primal’s head tilted to the side. Behind him, Nektas quietly moved forward. “How many people died tonight?”
The Primal didn’t respond.
“How many?” I insisted.
“At least twenty,” Saion answered from near the front of the chamber, his voice echoing. “We’re still waiting to hear if any in Lethe passed.”
I shuddered. Twenty. And that didn’t include those who were injured.
“Don’t pretend as if you care about the people here,” Nyktos snarled, taking a step toward me.
Every muscle in me stiffened as anger unfurled. “I am not pretending. I don’t want to see people die because of me.”
His chin dipped. “Only me. Right?”
A bitter, acidic taste and burn pooled in my mouth and unfurled in my chest as my hands flexed.
Eather pulsed in Nyktos’ eyes. “Is that shame I feel from you?” He laughed, the sound nothing like the ones I’d heard from him before. “Or are you that good of an actress? I think you are.” His gaze swept over me, his lip curling. “And I also think you forgot to list acting alongside making bad choices as one of your many…talents.”
I sucked in air that burned my throat. What he was referencing didn’t pass me by. He was talking about him and me on the balcony. The stab of his words cut deep enough that I forgot I wasn’t alone.
“And now you feign hurt?” Nyktos shook his head as that lip curled again. The disgust there…it bore down on me. “That is beneath even you.”
My jaw unhinged. “Stop reading my fucking emotions!” I shouted, and Saion peeled away from the wall, his eyes growing wide. “Especially if you aren’t even going to believe what you’re reading, you jackass!”
Nyktos stilled. Everything about him ceased.
And that probably should’ve been warning enough that I may have finally pushed too hard. But I was beyond…I was simply beyond everything. “Do you really think I wanted to do this to you? To anyone? It was the only way we believed we could save our people. It was all I’d been taught. For my entire life. It’s all I’ve ever known.” My voice cracked, and I drew in another sharp, too-tight breath. “I would say I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t believe me. I don’t blame you for that, but don’t you dare insinuate that what I’ve done with you was purely an act or that what I’m feeling is fake when I’ve spent my entire godsdamn life not being allowed to want or even feel anything for myself! Not when I spent the last three years hating myself for the relief I felt when you didn’t take me because it meant I didn’t have to do what was expected of me.”
Nyktos stared at me.
Silence drenched the room, and I realized that I was shaking. My entire body. I’d never spoken those words out loud. Never. My heart thundered as a knot expanded and grew in my throat, threatening to choke me. “I know what I am. I’ve always known. I am one of the worse sort. A monster,” I whispered, my voice hoarse. “But don’t you ever tell me how I feel.”
