Текст книги "Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения"

Автор книги: Илья Франк

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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 12 страниц) [доступный отрывок для чтения: 5 страниц]

The rabbi replies, "Nah… I think I'll wait for the police."

I agree with you completely.

Aren't you having any?

Juggler (жонглер), driving to his next performance (ехавший на свое очередное выступление), was stopped by the police (был остановлен полицией). "What are those knives doing in your car? (что эти ножи делают в вашей машине)" asked the officer (спросил офицер).

"I juggle them in my act (я жонглирую ими в моем номере)."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop (говорит полицейский). "Let's see you do it (посмотрим = покажи, как ты это делаешь)."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives (и жонглер начинает подбрасывать ножи и жонглировать ими).

A guy driving by (человек, проезжающий мимо) sees this (видит это) and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking (я рад, что я бросил пить). Look at the test they're making you do now! (посмотри на тест, который они заставляют тебя пройти теперь)"

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. «What are those knives doing in your car?» asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here (здесь говорится) that you should be wearing glasses (что вы должны носить очки)."

The woman answered (женщина ответила), "Well, I have contacts (ну, у меня контакты = контактные линзы)."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! (мне все равно, кого вы знаете, с кем вы знакомы) You're getting a ticket! (вы получаете штрафной талон)"

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, «Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.»

The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Well, I have contacts.

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older (три дамы обсуждали трудности старения = связанные со старением; travail – тяжелый труд; усилие, напряжение [ˈtræveɪl]). One said (одна сказала), "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand (иногда я обнаруживаю: «ловлю» себя с банкой майонеза в руке), while standing in front of the refrigerator (стоящей напротив холодильника), and I can't remember whether I need to put it away (и я не могу вспомнить, должна ли я убрать его), or start making a sandwich (или начать делать сандвич)."

The second (вторая) lady chimed in with (вступила /в разговор/; chime – перезвон колоколов; to chime – выбивать /мелодию/, отбивать /часы/, звучать согласно), "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs (да, иногда я нахожу себя на лестничной площадке) and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down (и не могу вспомнить была ли я «на пути» наверх или «на пути» вниз)."

The third one responded (третья ответила), "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem (ну, леди, я рада, что у меня нет этой проблемы). Knock on wood (постучу, /надо/ постучать по дереву)," as she rapped her knuckles on the table (тут она постучала костяшками пальцев по столу), and then said, "That must be the door (это должно быть дверь), I'll get it! (я открою)"

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, «Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.»

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

I'll get it!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway (когда пожилой гражданин ехал по автостраде), his car phone rang (его телефон зазвонил /to ring-rang-rung/). Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him (взяв трубку: «отвечая», он услышал голос его жены, настоятельно предупреждающей его), "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 (Герман, я сейчас слышала в новостях, что «есть» машина, едущая по встречной полосе на шоссе 280). Please be careful! (пожалуйста, будь осторожен)"

"Heck (черт)," said Herman, "It's not just one car (это не одна машина). It's hundreds of them! (их сотни)"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, «Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!»

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Please be careful!

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things (одна восьмидесятитилетняя пара «имела проблемы» = испытывала затруднения с запоминанием «вещей»), so they decided to go to their doctor (и они решили пойти к их врачу) to get checked out («стать проверенными» = чтобы их проверили) to make sure nothing was wrong with them (чтобы убедиться, что у них все в порядке; nothing – ничто, ничего; wrong – неправильно). When they arrived at the doctor's (когда они пришли к доктору; to arrive – прибывать), they explained (они объяснили) to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory (о проблемах, которые они переживали со своей памятью).

After checking the couple out (после проверки пары), the doctor tells them that they were physically okay (доктор говорит им, что физически они в порядке) but might start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things (но могут начать записывать «вещи» и писать записки, чтобы помочь им запомнить /некоторые/ вещи). The couple thanked the doctor and left (пара поблагодарила доктора и ушла /to leave-left-left – покидать/).

Later that night while watching TV (позже тем же вечером, смотря телевизор), the old man got up from his chair (старик встал со стула) and his wife asks (и его жена спрашивает), "Where are you going? (куда ты идешь)"

He replies, "To the kitchen (на кухню)."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? (ты не принесешь мне порцию мороженого; bowl – чашка)"

He replies, "Sure (конечно)."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? (ты не думаешь, что тебе нужно это записать, чтобы ты смог это запомнить)"

He says, "No, I can remember that (нет, я могу это запомнить)."

She then (затем) says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top (ну, еще, я хотела бы несколько клубничек сверху). You'd better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that (тебе бы лучше это записать, потому что я знаю, ты это забудешь)."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top (взбитые сливки наверху; whip – кнут, хлыст; to whip – хлестать; взбивать). I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice (с раздражением в голосе), he says, "I don't need to write that down (мне не нужно то записывать), I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen (он затем испаряется на кухню).

After about 20 minutes (через, примерно, двадцать минут) he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs (он возвращается из кухни и протягивает ей тарелку с беконом и яйцами).

She stares at the plate for a moment and says (она смотрит на тарелку с секунду и говорит), "You forgot my toast (ты забыл мой тост)."

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?

Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home (три старика сидят на веранде дома для престарелых). The first says (первый говорит), "Fellas (парни /небрежно/; fellow – парень), I got real problems (у меня серьезные проблемы). I'm seventy years old (мне семьдесят). Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate (каждое утро в семь часов я встаю и пытаюсь помочиться). All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps (мне дают все виды лекарств = самые разные лекарства, но ничего не помогает)."

The second (второй) old man says, "You think you have problems (ты думаешь, у тебя проблемы). I'm eighty years old (мне восемьдесят). Every morning at 8:00 (каждое утро в восемь) I get up and try to move my bowels (я встаю и пытаюсь покакать: «двинуть мои кишки»). I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps (они дают мне все типы лекарств; stuff – материал, вещество, часто употребляется в значении «все такое»; но ничего не помогает)."

Finally the third old man speaks up (наконец, третий старик заговаривает), "Fellas, I'm ninety years old (мне девяносто). Every morning at 7:00 sharp (ровно; sharp – острый; точно, ровно) I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up (просыпаюсь)."

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, «Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.»

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

I got real problems.

They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.

Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary (пара идет на ужин отметить свою пятидесятилетнюю годовщину свадьбы; anniversary [ǝnɪˈvǝ:(r)s(ǝ)rɪ]). On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye (по дороге домой она замечает слезу в его глазу) and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together (и спрашивает, не потому ли он расчувствовался, что они отмечают 50 чудесных лет вместе).

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married (нет, я думал о времени перед тем, как мы поженились). Your father threatened me with a shotgun (твой отец угрожал мне ружьем: to shoot /shot-shot/ – стрелять + gun – ружье) and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years (и сказал, что он бросит меня в тюрьму на 50 лет /to throw-threw-thrown/) if I didn't marry you (если я не женюсь на тебе). Tomorrow I would've been a free man! (завтра я был бы свободным человеком)"

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

I was thinking about the time before we got married.

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years (пожилая вдова и вдовец встречались около пяти лет). The man finally decided to ask her to marry (мужчина наконец решил просить ее руки). She immediately said «yes» (она тут же сказала «да»; immediately [ɪˈmi:djǝtlɪ] – немедленно).

The next morning when he awoke (на следующее утро, когда он проснулся; to awake), he couldn't remember what her answer was! (он не мог припомнить, каков был ее ответ) "Was she happy? (она была счастлива = рада) I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny… (кажется, подождите, нет, она смотрела на меня странно; fun – веселье, забава; funny – забавно; странно)"

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail (после часа бесполезных попыток вспомнить; avail – польза [ǝˈveɪl]), he gave her a call (он позвонил ей). Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal (смущенный, он признался, что не помнит ее ответа на предложение; proposal [prǝˈpǝuz(ǝ)l]).

"Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called (я так рада, что вы позвонили). I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was (я помню, что сказала «да» кому-то, но я не могла вспомнить, кто это был)."

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said «yes».

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…"

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

I'm so glad you called.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation (две пожилые четы наслаждались дружеской беседой) when one of the men asked the other (когда один из мужчин спросил другого), "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month? (ну и как «клиника памяти» – т.е.: восстановления памяти), в которую ты ходил в прошлом месяце)"

"Outstanding (замечательно; outstanding – выдающийся)," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it made a huge difference for me (нас научили нас всем последним психологическим приемам: визуализации, ассоциации – это «сделало» огромную разницу для меня = это мне очень помогло; psychological [saɪkǝˈlɔdʒɪkǝl] techniques [tekˈni:ks])."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic? (как называлась клиника)"

Fred went blank (был озадачен; blank – озадаченный, смущенный). He thought and thought, but couldn't remember (он думал и думал, но не мог вспомнить).

Then a smile broke across his face (затем улыбка появилась /to break – здесь: проступить/ на его лице) and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns? (как ты называешь = как называется тот цветок, с длинным стеблем и шипами)"

"You mean a rose? (ты имеешь в виду розу)"

"Yes, that's it! (точно, вот именно: «это /есть/ оно»)"

He turned to his wife… (он повернулся к жене) "Rose, what was the name of that clinic? (Роза, как называлась та клиника)"

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, «Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?»

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visulization, association – it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife… "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

It made a huge difference for me.

That's great!

Yes, that's it!

A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says (маленький мальчик на свадьбе смотрит на свою маму и говорит), "Mommy, why does the girl wear white? (мама, почему на девушке белое; to wear – носить)"

His mom replies, "The bride (невеста) is in white because she's happy (потому что она счастлива) and this is the happiest day of her life (и это самый счастливый день в ее жизни)."

The boy thinks about this (размышляет над этим), and then (затем) says, "Well then (ну, а тогда), why is the boy wearing black? (почему на молодом человеке черное)"

A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, «Mommy, why does the girl wear white?»

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

This is the happiest day of my life.

The newly wed wife (молодая жена: newly – недавно, только что; to wed – отдавать замуж; вступать в брак) said to her husband (сказала своему мужу) when he returned from work (когда он вернулся с работы), "I have great news for you (у меня для тебя потрясающая новость). Pretty soon (совсем скоро), we're going to be three in this house instead of two (нас будет трое в этом доме вместо двоих)."

Her husband ran to her (подбежал к ней /to run-ran-run/) with a smile on his face (с улыбкой на лице) and delight in his eyes (и восторгом в глазах).

He was glowing of happiness (он светился от счастья) and kissing his wife when she said (и целовал жену, когда она сказала), "I'm glad that you feel this way (я рада, что ты так это воспринял) since tomorrow morning (так как завтра утром) my mother moves in with us (моя мать переезжает к нам)."

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, «I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two.»

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

I have great news for you.

I'm glad that you feel this way.

A police officer in a small town (офицер полиции в маленьком городке) stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street (остановил автомобилиста, который слишком быстро ехал по главной улице).

"But, officer," the man began (начал /to begin-began-begun/), "I can explain… (я могу объяснить)"

"Just be quiet («тихо»)," snapped the officer (оборвал; to snap – щелкать, защелкиваться, хлопать; резко обрывать /кого-то/, обрывать /разговор/). "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail (я собираюсь дать тебе «остудить твои пятки» в тюрьме, в камере) until the chief gets back (пока не вернется начальник)."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say… (но, офицер, я как раз хотел сказать)"

"And I said to keep quiet! (а я сказал, помолчи) You're going to jail! (ты отправляешься в тюрьму)"

A few hours later the officer looked in (несколько часов спустя офицер заглянул) on his prisoner (к своему заключенному; prison – тюрьма) and said, "Lucky for you («удачно для тебя») that the chief's at his daughter's wedding (что начальник на свадьбе своей дочери). He'll be in a good mood when he gets back (он будет в хорошем настроении, когда вернется)."

"Don't count on it (не рассчитывай на это)," answered the fellow in the cell (ответил парень в камере). "I'm the groom (я жених)."

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain…"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Keep (be) quiet!

I just wanted to say…

Don't count on it.

There is an envelope (конверт; envelope [ˈǝnvɪlǝup]) on the windshield (на лобовом стекле: wind – ветер + shield – щит) with a note of apology (с извинительной запиской) and two tickets to a music concert (и двумя билетами на «музыкальный концерт»). The note reads (записка гласит), "I apologize for taking your car (я извиняюсь за «взятие» = за то, что взял вашу машину), but my wife was having a baby (но моя жена начала рожать) and I had to hot-wire your ignition (мне пришлось включить ваше зажигание; hot – горячий; wire – проволока; провод) to rush her to the hospital (чтобы примчать ее в госпиталь). Please forgive the inconvenience (пожалуйста, извините за неудобство; inconvenience [ɪnkǝnˈvɪnɪens]). Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks (здесь два билета на сегодняшний вечерний концерт Гарта Брукса), the country-and-western music star (звезду стиля кантри-и-вестерн)."

Their faith in humanity restored (/после того, как/ их вера в человечество восстановилась), the couple attends the concert (пара посещает концерт) and returns home late (и возвращается домой поздно). They find their house has been robbed (они находят, обнаруживают, что их дом был ограблен). Valuable goods have been taken (ценные вещи взяты) from throughout the house («из всего дома»), from basement to attic (от подвала: «фундамента» до чердака). And, there is a note on the door reading (гласящая), "Well, you still have your car (ну, у вас по-прежнему = все же еще есть ваша машина). I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I? (я должен провести моего новорожденного ребенка через колледж как-нибудь, каким-либо способом, не так ли = мне же приходится думать, на какие деньги я дам образование своему ребенку)"

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, «I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.»

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert and returns home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

I apologize for taking your car.

Please forgive the inconvenience.

A dietician (диетолог; dietician [dɪǝˈtɪʃn]) was once addressing a large audience in Chicago (однажды обращался к многочисленной аудитории в Чикаго). "The material we put into our stomachs (веществ, которые мы пихаем в наши желудки; stomach [ˈstʌmǝk]) is enough to have killed most of us sitting here (достаточно, чтобы уже убить большинство из нас, сидящих здесь), years ago (годы назад). Red meat is awful (мясо с кровью ужасно). Vegetables can be disastrous (овощи могут быть губительными; disastrous [dɪˈza:strǝs]; disaster – бедствие), and none of us realizes (и никто из нас не отдает себе отчета) the germs in our drinking water (о бактериях в нашей питьевой воде). But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it (но есть одна вещь, самая опасная из всех и мы все это едим). Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? (может кто-нибудь здесь сказать мне, о каком смертоносном продукте я говорю) You, sir, in the first row (вы, сэр, в первом ряду) please give us your idea (пожалуйста, «дайте» нам вашу идею = как вы полагаете)."

The man lowered his head and said (человек опустил голову и сказал), «Wedding cake (свадебный пирог).»

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. «The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.»

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

It can be disastrous.

Please give us your idea.

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day (трое человек рыбачили на озере однажды), when an angel appeared in the boat (когда ангел возник в лодке).

When the three astonished (изумленные) men had settled down enough to speak (пришли в себя настолько, чтобы говорить; to settle – поселиться, водвориться; успокоиться), the first guy asked the angel humbly (робко), "I've suffered (мучаюсь) from back pain (болью в спине) ever since I took shrapnel (с тех самых пор, как я получил осколки) in the Vietnam War… (во Вьетнамской войне) Could you help me? (ты мог бы помочь мне)"

"Of course (конечно)," the angel said, and when he touched (дотронулся) the man's back, the man felt relief (почувствовал облегчение /to feel-felt-felt/) for the first time in years (первый раз за годы).

The second guy wore very thick glasses (второй парень носил очень толстые очки /to wear-wore-wore/) and had a hard time reading and driving (и ему было тяжело: «имел тяжелое время» читать и водить машину). He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight (не мог бы ангел сделать что-нибудь с его плохим: «жалким» зрением).

The angel smiled (улыбнулся), removed (снял) the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake (швырнул их в озеро). When they hit the water (когда они ударились о воду), the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly (глаза человека «прояснились», и он смог видеть все отчетливо).

When the angel turned to the third guy (к третьему), the guy put his hands out defensively (выставил руки, защищаясь) – "Don't touch me! (не трогай меня)" he cried (воскликнул), "I'm on a disability pension (я на инвалидном пособии; disability [dɪzaˈbɪlɪtɪ] – нетрудоспособность)."

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War… Could you help me?"

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.

The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively – "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

Could you help me?

Don't touch me!

Two men went bear hunting (два человека пошли на медвежью охоту). While one stayed in the cabin (пока один остался в хижине), the other went out looking for a bear (другой вышел в поисках: «ища» медведя). He soon found a huge bear (вскоре он нашел большого медведя), shot at it (выстрелил в него /to shoot-shot-shot/) but only wounded it (но только ранил его).

The enraged (взбешенный; rage – бешенство, ярость) bear charged toward him (пошел на него; to charge – атаковать), he dropped his rifle (бросил ружье; rifle [raɪfl]) and started running (и побежал) for the cabin as fast as he could (так быстро, как мог). He ran pretty fast (очень быстро) but the bear was just a little faster (но медведь был все-таки немного быстрее) and gained on him with every step (нагонял его с каждым шагом). Just as he reached the open cabin door (как раз когда он добежал: «достиг» до открытой двери хижины), he tripped and fell flat (споткнулся и упал плашмя /to fall-fell-fallen/).

Too close behind to stop (/будучи/ слишком близко «сзади», чтобы остановиться), the bear tripped over him (споткнулся о него) and went rolling (ввалился) into the cabin.

The man jumped up (подпрыгнул), closed (закрыл) the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside (прокричал «своему другу внутри»),

"You skin this one (ты снимай шкуру с этого) while I go and get another! (пока я пойду и возьму, добуду другого)"

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,

"You skin this one while I go and get another!"

A father and son went fishing one day (отец и сын пошли на рыбалку в один день). While they were out in the boat (пока они были в лодке), the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him (вдруг стал любопытным по отношению к миру вокруг него). He asked his father (он спросил своего отца), "How does this boat float? (как эта лодка держится на воде)"

The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son (точно не знаю, сынок; rightly – правильно, верно, точно)."