Текст книги "Napalm and Silly Putty"

Автор книги: Джордж Карлин

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

Isn’t it time we stopped wasting valuable land on cemeteries? Talk about an idea whose time has passed: “Let’s put all the dead people in boxes and keep them in one part of town.” What kind of medieval bullshit is that? I say, plow these motherfuckers up and throw them away. Or melt them down. We need that phosphorous for farming. If we’re going to recycle, let’s get serious.

True Stuff: Because of all the lawsuits against “good Samaritans” whose efforts end badly, fewer people are willing to stop and lend assistance at the scene of an accident. As a result, experts are wondering whether or not we need laws compelling us to help each other.

Joan Rivers turned into one of the people she used to make fun of.

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around; maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pews.

Here’s a little car fun. If someone is driving alongside you in the right-hand lane, act concerned and wave them toward the side of the road, yelling, “Pull over! Pull over! Pull over!” When they finally pull over, just keep going. Let ’em sit there and think it over for a while. It’s certainly none of your concern. In fact, you don’t want to have anything to do with a person like that.

Something I really don’t like is claymation; that stop-action animation junk. Why don’t they can that shit? It’s fake-looking, and it detracts from the story.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-28” ??DOG MOMENTS #2 ?

Canine Standard Time

A dog doesn’t understand time. Like a young child, he doesn’t know the difference between eight o’clock and a week ago Tuesday. The only period of time a dog understands is forever. And that’s how long he thinks everything is gonna last.

Y’ever scratch your dog behind the ears? They really love that, don’t they?

“Oh boy, oh boy! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!! Daddy’s scratchin’ me behind the ears! My favorite thing. Oh boy, oh boy! This is great!”

And you’re scratchin’ and scratchin’, and he’s lovin’ it, and lookin’ up at you adoringly, his eyes rollin’ back in his head, and then suddenly you stop. And he looks at you like you’re some kind of diseased criminal pervert. He’s disappointed. He thought the scratchin’ was gonna last forever.

He can’t help it—he just doesn’t know what time it is.

Home Alone

It’s especially bad when you go out and leave him alone. He thinks you’re never coming back. Never. That must be what he thinks, or else why would he act the way he does when you finally get home? All hyper and excited and revved up like he just ate a pound and a half of methamphetamine:

“Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy!! IthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehome! I was so scared. I was so lonely. Scared and lonely. I didn’t know what to do. I was all alone. I thought I would never eat again. I don’t know how to prepare food. I’m a dog. I can’t cook. I can’t do anything. I don’t even know how to operate a can opener. How do ya do that? What do you do, push down the little handle? Couldn’t figure it out. Gimme some food. Gimme a kiss. Shake hands. Here’s my paw. You want me to roll over? I’ll do it. Just don’t leave me! Don’t go! Don’t go! I swear, I’ll never pee in the house again! I’ll never pee anywhere again! Just don’t leave me alone!”

And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. They go into this speed-freak mode even if all you did was forget your hat and come back a few seconds later.

“Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy! Ithoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehome! Et cetera, et cetera. Is that how ya say that? Et cetera? Anyway, I got hungry. Again. The minute you left. I was gonna eat the cat. I couldn’t find him. Where the fuck’s the cat? What did ya do, hide the cat?”

“Lester, will you stop it? Calm down! I was just here a few seconds ago!”

They really miss you. And they have no idea what time it is.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-29” ??SOME LIKE IT HOT ?

Think for a moment about flamethrowers. The fact that we have them at all. Well, actually we don’t have them, the army has them. You know, I hadn’t thought of that; the army has all the flamethrowers. I’d say we’re jolly well fucked if we have to go up against the army, wouldn’t you?

My point is that there are even such things as flamethrowers in the first place. What it indicates to me is that at some point, some person, Phil perhaps, said to himself, “Look at all those people across the road. What I wouldn’t give to set them on fire. But I’m much too far away. If only I had some device that would shoot flames on them.”

Well, the whole thing might’ve ended right there, but Phil happened to mention it to his friend, Dwyane, one of those people who’s good with tools. About a month later, Dwayne was back.

“Phil, that idea of yours? Quite a concept. Watch!”

WHOOOOOOSH! WHOOOOOOMPH! CRACKLE! BURN!

Before long, the army came around. “Hi boys. We want to buy 500,000 of those flamethrowers. We have a long list of people we’d like to set on fire. Give us 500,000 and have them camouflaged. We don’t want anyone seeing them until they’re fully consumed by flames.”

Phil and Dwayne made lots of money and died in a fireworks accident on the 4th of July.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-30” ??MAYBE THEY’LL ADOPT ?

Concerning news coverage at the National Zoo: Do you care if the pandas fuck? I don’t. Why don’t they stop telling us the pandas didn’t fuck again this year? I’m not concerned. I have no emotional stake in panda-fucking. If they want to they will, if not, they’ll watch The Price Is Right.

Probably the only reason the pandas aren’t fucking on schedule is because some environmental jackoff has moved into the cage with them. Could you get a hard-on if some loser in a green T-shirt was taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? Leave these creatures alone. And please God, save the planet from environmentalists.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-31” ??THE MISCELLANEOUS AILMENTS FOUNDATION ?

Not every human ailment has a telethon to help raise money. This space is donated to the Miscellaneous Ailments Foundation. If you or a loved one suffer from any of the following conditions, open your heart, dig deep, and give what you can. And please, no small donations. Try to give more than you can afford.

ITCH • TWITCH • WELTS • WARTS • PIMPLES • NITS • SCABS • SCARS • SORES • BOILS • RASH • GASH • HIVES • CYSTS • CRAMPS • POLYPS • BLISTERS • BLOTCHES • BUNIONS • BEDSORES • ROPE BURNS • PAPER CUTS • COCKEYE • BLACKHEADS • WHITEHEADS • GAG EASILY • SWOLLEN GLANDS • EYESTRAIN • NAUSEA • PILES • GAS • CRABS • PEG LEG • ABSCESSED TOOTH • PENICILLIN REACTION • PALENESS • NICKS & CUTS • BRITTLE NAILS • WOOZINESS • HOMESICKNESS • FALL DOWN A LOT • SICK & TIRED • JUST DON’T FEEL GOOD • CHILLS & FEVER • FEVER & CHILLS • CHILLS WITHOUT FEVER • FEVER WITHOUT CHILLS • SMALL POX • MEDIUM POX • LARGE POX • X-LARGE POX • CHICKEN POX • TUNA POX • ROAST BEEF POX • WHOOPING COUGH • WHOOPING SNEEZE • WHOOPING GIGGLE • WHEEZING • SNEEZING • FREEZING • MUMPS • BUMPS • LUMPS • BAD EYES • BAD FEET • BAD BLOOD • BAD BREATH • BAD BACK • BAD ATTITUDE • POOR POSTURE • COWARDICE • TRENCH MOUTH • PUFFY SKIN • COMPLETE PARALYSIS • ENLARGED PORES • OUT OF BREATH • ARM HURTS • BAD JUDGMENT • DUMB LOOK • OUT OF SORTS • BRUISE EASILY • WIND KNOCKED OUT OF YOU • SEEIN’ THINGS • THE BLAHS • THE HOTS • THE RUNS • THE CREEPS • THE WILLIES • THE SHITS • THE VAPORS • THE BENDS • THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES • SHOCK • TREMOR • RELAPSE • BOTULISM • LEPROSY • GANGOSA • CANCER OF THE FIST • JUNGLE ROT • THE CREEPIN’ CRUD • THE 48-YEAR CREEPIN’ JESUS • MANGE • GRUNGE • SORE TITS • JET LAG • ROOT CANAL • FACIAL TICS • POOR BALANCE • LOCKJAW • CHARLEY HORSE • EUPHORIA • PRICKLY HEAT • PEELING • MISCARRIAGE • CROW’S FEET • CROW’S LEGS • SLOPPY DICTION • OVERBITE • UNDERBITE • SIDE EFFECTS • DOUBLE LIMP • SCABBY KNEE • TONE DEAFNESS • LOUD HEART • POSTNASAL DRIP • PRENASAL DRIP • JAMMED THUMB • COMA • KNOCK KNEES • STRETCH MARKS • FAT LIP • BLACK EYE • BUM LEG • OVERSIZE BIRTHMARK • STRAWBERRY • SPRING FEVER • FORGETFULNESS • SQUINTING • SURGICAL BLUNDER • FACIAL HAIR • PLAGUE • ADHESIONS • SUNSTROKE • BAD GENES • SCRAWNINESS • CROSSED NOSTRILS • CALLUSES • PREMATURE EJACULATION • STARVATION • SEEING STARS • NERVOUS BREAKDOWN • CORNS • ORGAN REJECTION • SWELLING • BLOODY NOSE • CATATONIA • BAGS UNDER THE EYES • FRECKLE LOSS • NO URINE • BIG EARS • BAD COLD • FREDDIE’S DISEASE • NO TORSO • SUICIDE • HEN TOOTH • NATURAL CAUSES • CHRONIC PUSSY FARTS • ONDINE’S CURSE • PULLED GROIN MUSCLE • CHAFING • COLD SORES • SPLIT LIP • ACHES & PAINS • TRICK KNEE • TRICK NOSE • TRICK DICK • SLEEPING SICKNESS • LOBOTOMY • NIGHTMARES • PIGEON TOES • DOUBLE CHIN • SHYNESS • WINDBURN • CHRONIC LETHARGY • HOT FLASHES • DOUBLE VISION • CANCER OF THE JOWLS • CLUBFOOT • EXCESS EAR WAX • SUFFOCATION • REALLY GROSS SKIN • FALLING NOSE HAIRS • INFECTED TATTOOS • GUNSHOT WOUNDS • ELASTIC POISONING • UNPROVOKED WEEPING • DISLOCATED CROTCH • COMPLETE HAIRLESSNESS • NINE MILE FEVER • MIGRATING BEAUTY MARK • UNDESCENDED TESTICLE • CHICKEN BREASTEDNESS • BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION • GHOST LIMBS • INDUSTRIAL DEAFNESS • HAMMERTOE • DOUBLE RECTUM • FALLEN WOMB • INVERTED NIPPLES • OUT-OF-CONTROL MOLES • TRANSIENT SLURRED SPEECH • WATER ON THE PROFILE • SALINE DEPLETION • GENDER AGONY • NEGATIVE BUOYANCY • CURVATURE OF THE MIND • INFECTED DIMPLE • BURNED AT THE STAKE • BUBONIC PLAGUE • BLACK DEATH • MORNING SICKNESS • SUBDURAL HEMATOMA • GRAND MAL SEIZURE • SPASTIC BLADDER • BRAIN TUMOR • NIPPLE SEEP • DRY TEETH • SIX-FOOT NOSE HAIRS • PASSED BALLS • MIDNASAL DRIP • CHAPPED ASS • SPEAR WOUNDS • TONSILLITIS • CLAP • CRUCIFIXION • TOTAL BODY DIMPLING • FEAR OF CLOTHING • SINGLE NOSTRIL • HORSE SERUM SENSITIVITY • COKE BOTTLE IN THE ASS • HEN WORKERS LUNG • SEXTUPLE AMPUTEEISM • HEREDITY FRUCTOSE INTOLERANCE • MORTON’S FOOT • HUTCHINSON’S FRECKLE • ORIENTAL NIGHTMARE DEATH SYNDROME • RUM FITS • LIDOCAINE POISONING • IRREGULAR GAIT • GENITAL MEASLES • SPRAINED MIND • ICHTHYOSIS • LACK OF HUSTLE • HYPERDYDROSIS • FROTHING AT THE CROTCH • ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE • WET BRAIN • PRESENILITY DEMENTIA • LAETRILE OVERDOSE • MUNCHAUSEN’S SYNDROME • PAVEMENT BURN • NASAL HERPES • CLUSTER HEADACHES • HUNCHBACK • VAGINAL CLOSURE • CANCER OF THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE • CIRCUMCISION BLUNDER • SEVERE UNREMITTING PAIN • COMPLETE NERVOUS COLLAPSE • SIXTY-YEAR COMA • RIGOR MORTIS • DECAPITATION • SWIMMER’S ITCH • BEEF TAPEWORM • SHORT-LIMBED DWARFISM • TICK-BORNE RICKETS • KOPLIK’S SPOTS • IMPETIGO • GAS GANGRENE • TRANSVERSE MYELITIS • MALNUTRITION • IRRITABILITY • NONPRODUCTIVE COUGH • SIMPLE MALAISE • EPIDEMIC KERATOCONJUNCTIVITIS • FURIOUS RABIES • BLACK VOMIT • DANDY FEVER • EUROPEAN TYPHUS • BRILL-ZINSSER DISEASE • CAT SCRATCH DISEASE • STITCH ABSCESSES • STRAWBERRY TONGUE • PASTIA’S LINES • AFRICAN SLEEPING SICKNESS • WOOLSORTER’S DISEASE • CAULIFLOWER EAR • ZUCCHINI NOSE • PARACOCCIDIO IDOMYCOSIS • DESERT RHEUMATISM • LUMPY JAW • MADURA FOOT • HOOKWORM • ORIENTAL SORE • ALEPPO BOIL • FOREST YAWS • SWIMMING POOL GRANULOMA • CARDIAC DEATH • WHIPWORM INFECTION • GEOPHAGIA • RIVER BLINDNESS • TOTAL COLLAPSE • JEWELRY RASH • TERMINAL BROWSING • MAIDENLY HYSTERICS • MARROW FAILURE • PICA • RIBOFLAVIN DEFICIENCY • MEDITERRANEAN ANEMIA • AIR EMBOLISM • VASCULAR FRAGILITY • DRUG-INDUCED PLATELET DEFECTS • FELTY’S SYNDROME • BOWEL INFARCTION • TETRALOGY OF FALLOT • BUNDLE BRANCH BLOCK • SUDDEN MEGACOLON • RAYNAUD’S PHENOMENON • YOUNG ORIENTAL FEMALE DISEASE • INTESTINAL APOPLEXY • OCCLUSION AT THE BIFURCATION • MILK LEG • HOMAN’S SIGN • CONSTANT SCREAMING • TOTAL BODY HEMORRHAGING • MISSING LUNGS • EXTRA STOMACH • LARVAE IN THE STOOL • BEBOP LEGS • FOREHEAD TRANSPLANT • TUMOR ON THE BUNS • HUGE SPLEEN • CHRONIC FALLING • CYSTS ON THE WRISTS • SUDDEN TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS •

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-32” ??GOT ANY MORE LEAVES IN THAT STALL? ?

Recently I came across a statistic published by the Population Reference Bureau in Washington. It stated that as of 1995 the number of people who had lived on earth was 105,472,380,169. The figure was based on the assumption that “the first two people” had emerged in 50,000 B.C. So I did a little arithmetic of my own, and I’ve concluded that as of 1995 there had been over 987 trillion bowel movements. I was very conservative: I assumed a mere thirty-year life span and only six bowel movements per week. Still, it means that at this point there have been almost 1 quadrillion human bowel movements and most of them occurred before people had anything to read. These are the kinds of thoughts that kept me from moving quickly up the corporate ladder.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-33” ??DEATH ROW ?

The story is that if you’re condemned to death they have to give you one last meal of your choice. What is that all about? A group of people plans to kill you, so they want you to eat something you like? Is it a joke? Do they think the food part will take your mind off the dying part? Or do they just prefer to kill you when you’re coming off a peak experience and full of positive energy?

I’m not sure what kind of sick game is going on, but what the hell, you might as well play along. Have a little fun; order a Happy Meal. Tell ’em you want to go to Hooter’s and eat on the patio.

Inform them you’ve converted to a religion that embraces cannibalism, and you’d like to eat a baby. With a small salad. I just think there’s great potential here for fun and mischief. In fact, I’m thinking that if you worked it just right you might even squeeze a little extra time out of them. Time to file a couple of hundred more frivolous appeals.

Because, as I understand it, they have to give you any meal you ask for. Not including elephant, of course. You can’t expect them to start on a whole new elephant for just one meal. But short of that, they have to give you pretty much what you want. It’s part of the humanity involved: “Let’s kill this fuck, but let’s be civil.”

So I say have a little fun; buy some time. When they ask what you want, tell them you can’t decide. That’s all there is to it. You can’t decide.

“Gee, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I want steak or lobster. I mean, I really love them both. I haven’t had lobster in quite a while, but on the other hand, I really love chicken. It’s my good luck food. And they’re both rich in protein. I just can’t figure it out.”

What can they do? Can they kill you under those circumstances? Can they go ahead and kill you if you honestly don’t know what you want for dinner? Tell them you’re willing to take a lie detector test and truth serum, but you honestly can’t decide. Can they kill you? Can they drag you down the last mile screaming, “Surf? Turf? I’m on the horns of a dilemma!” I think they’d have to give you a little more time.

Imagine if you kept it up for six months. Think of the headlines.

CONDEMNED MAN STILL ALIVE,?CAN’T DECIDE.?LEANS TOWARD LOBSTER.

Three years go by. Five. Seven. And then, finally, one morning you wake up, and it’s clear as a bell:

“All right, I’ve decided. And I don’t know why I didn’t think of this long ago. I’m going to have the lamb chops.”

“All right, lamb chops it is. And how did you want them cooked?”

“Geez, I hadn’t thought of that. Lemme see. How do I want them cooked? Listen, guys, can I get back to you?”

HUNGRY MAN EXECUTED.?DRAGGED DOWN LAST MILE?SCREAMING “MEDIUM!”

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-34” ??CURRENT EVENTS ?

Here’s a great idea. I think Texas should save up 500 condemned people and execute them all at once, in electric chairs. Five hundred electric chairs in a big gymnasium. Wouldn’t that be fun? I realize Texas prefers lethal injection, but maybe they could make an exception just this once. Or how about executing people five at a time on electric couches. That would be interesting. Put a coffee table in front of them with magazines and some chips and dip. It would be fun. Here’s another good idea. If a married couple kills their kid, they should be executed in an electric love seat. Force them to hug as you pull the switch.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-35” ??THE UNKINDEST CUT ?

I don’t know about you, but I think O. J. got screwed. Double jeopardy is just plain wrong. Civil trial, my ass! It’s not fair. O. J. beat the system and he should be allowed to enjoy it. Geraldo and Charles Grodin don’t like O. J. Simpson. Geraldo and Charles Grodin deal in certitude. Guys like that almost always impress me.

I’m really glad O. J. beat the rap. Personally, I’d like to see him on TV again, doin’ commercials. There must be something he could do. Roach Motel. “They checks in, but they don’t checks out.” It would be fun. We need more fun. People get upset with all the wrong things.

Like these guys Jeffrey Dahmer and Timothy McVeigh. Right away everybody wants to kill them. Let me tell you, you don’t kill guys like that. That’s exactly what they want. You know what you do? You let them off with a warning. Just like a speeding ticket. Sometimes all a guy like that needs is a good talking-to. You sit him down, and you say, “Listen. Jeff. Nobody thinks you’re funny. Okay? No one is amused. So calm down and knock off the shit. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself. You eat one more person, and you’re in big trouble.”

A lot of these guys never hear that sort of thing. I think it would make them think twice before they cooked another person’s head and ate it. Don’t you?

Now, as to Timothy McVeigh, you’ve got a slightly different situation. After all, the guy’s a veteran, so you have to show him a little consideration. And don’t forget, it’s his first offense. So I say let him off with a warning. Throw a good scare into him: “Tim, one more trick like that, and it’s gonna mean a hefty fine.”

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-36” ??SMILE! ?

Camcorders are a good example of technology gone berserk. Everywhere you go now, you see some goofy fuck with a camcorder. Everyone’s taping everything. Doesn’t anybody stop and look at things anymore? Take them in? Maybe even . . . remember them? Is that such a strange idea? Does experience really have to be documented, brought home and saved on a shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are their lives so bankrupt they sit at home watching things they already did?

These guys are so intense. And by the way, it’s always guys. They won’t let women touch the cameras; it’s a highly technical skill. Look through a hole, push on a button. Big fuckin’ skill. And they all think they’re Federico Fellini. Did you ever see them at the soccer games? With the low angles and all the zooms and pans? And it’s the same three ugly children in every shot. Same kids. Believe me, all the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate genetic configurations on the faces of these children. Do the world a favor, keep these unfortunate youngsters indoors, out of public view.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-37” ??THE NOONTIME NEWS ?

In Rome today, Pope John Paul removed his little hat and revealed he has a small map of Tombstone, Arizona, tattooed on his head.

Out at the lake in City Park, police have arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.

Authorities say a severely disturbed geography teacher has shot and killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. He is still at large and they remind everyone the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.

A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.

A Detroit couple is suing Campbell’s soups, claiming a bowl of alphabet soup spelled out an obscene message to their children. They state that at first the little letters floated around in a circle, and then they formed the words suck my noodle.

Millionaire clothing executive Dacron Polyester died in his sleep yesterday. It was not a peaceful death, however, as he dozed off while hang-gliding.

A large dog exploded on a downtown street corner this morning. No one was killed; however, several people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that more than 600 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.

A woman in Montana was severely injured yesterday when she attempted to force-breast-feed a wolverine.

A man wearing a Have a Nice Day button was killed yesterday by a man who works at night.

The Centers for Disease Control has determined that the common cold is caused by a tall man who carries around a bag of germs.

Twenty-six people were killed this morning when two funeral processions collided. Police say the list of fatalities does not include the two people who were already dead.

The Mafia has killed an information clerk because he knew too much. His replacement, appointed today, says he has no further information.

In San Francisco, a baby has been born wearing sunglasses and holding a small can of peas.

A Milwaukee man has been arrested for the illegal use of food stamps. He was taken into custody while attempting to mail a bowl of chili to his sister.

The Bureau of Indian Affairs has announced they have located another Mohican. Accordingly, all the books are being recalled and will be changed to read: The Next to the Last of the Mohicans.

And finally, here’s a Halloween prank that backfired. It seems that little thirteen-year-old Danny Obolagotz thought it would be great fun to soap the windows of all the cars on his street. He had soaped seven of them and was starting to soap the eighth, not knowing that the owner of the car, Earl Fletcher, was seated inside. Fletcher shot Danny in the head four times.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\Documents%20and%20Settings\Dom\Desktop\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\Napalm_body-contents.html” l “TOC-38” ??THE PLANET IS FINE, THE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED ?

At some point, during every stage show I do, I take a sip of water and ask the audience, “How’s the water here?” I haven’t gotten a positive response yet. Not one. Last year I was in 100 different cities. Not one audience was able to give me a positive answer. Nobody trusts their water supply. Nobody.

And that amuses me. Because it means the system is beginning to collapse, beginning to break down. I enjoy chaos and disorder. Not just because they help me professionally; they’re also my hobby. I’m an entropy buff.

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. And, of course, it’s not just true of nature, it’s true of society as well. If you look carefully, you can see that the social structure is just beginning to break down, just beginning to come apart at the seams.

The News Turns Me On

What I like about that is that it makes the news on television more exciting. I watch the news for only one thing: entertainment. That’s all I want. You know my favorite thing on television? Bad news. Accidents, disasters, catastrophes, explosions, fires. I wanna see shit being destroyed and bodies flyin’ around.

I’m not interested in the budget, I don’t care about tax negotiations, I don’t wanna know what country the pope is in. But show me a burning hospital with people on crutches jumpin’ off the roof, and I’m a happy guy. I wanna see a paint factory blowin’ up, an oil refinery explode, and a tornado hit a church on Sunday. I wanna be told there’s a guy runnin’ through the Kmart shooting at customers with an automatic weapon. I wanna see thousands of people in the street killing policemen; hear about a nuclear meltdown in a big city; find out the stock market dropped 4,000 points in one day. I wanna see people under pressure!

Sirens, flames, smoke, bodies, graves being filled, parents weeping. My kinda TV! Exciting shit. I just want some entertainment! That’s the kind of guy I am. You know what I like most? Big chunks of steel, concrete and fiery wood falling out of the sky, and people running around trying to get out of the way. Exciting shit!

Fuck Pakistan!

At least I admit it. Most people won’t admit those feelings. Most people see somethin’ like that, they say, “Ohhhh, isn’t that awful?” Bullshit! Lyin’ asshole! You love it and you know it. Explosions are fun. And the closer the explosion is to your house, the more fun it is. Have you ever noticed that?

Sometimes an announcer comes on television and says, “Six thousand people were killed in an explosion today.” You say, “Where, where?” He says, “In Pakistan.” You say, “Aww, fuck Pakistan. Too far away to be fun.” But if he says it happened in your hometown, you say, “Whooa, hot shit, Dave! C’mon! Let’s go down and look at the bodies!”

I love bad news. Doesn’t bother me. The more bad news there is, the faster this system collapses. I’m glad the water sucks. You know what I do about it? I drink it! I fuckin’ drink it!

This Is One Bad Species

You see, I’m not one of those people who worries about everything. Do you have people around you like that? The country’s full of ’em now. People walkin’ around all day, worried about everything. Worried about the air, the water, the soil, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens, radon, asbestos. Worried about saving endangered species.

Lemme tell you about endangered species. Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant human attempt to control nature. That’s what got us in trouble in the first place. Interfering with nature. Meddling. Doesn’t anybody understand that?

And as far as endangered species are concerned, it’s a phony issue. Over 90 percent of all the species that ever lived on this planet are gone. They’re extinct. We didn’t kill them; they just disappeared. That’s what species do: they appear, and they disappear. It’s nature’s way. Irrespective of our behavior, species vanish at the rate of twenty-five a day. Let them go gracefully. Stop interfering. Leave nature alone. Haven’t we done enough damage?

We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet?

Greens Eat Shit

I’m gettin’ tired of that shit. I’m tired of fuckin’ Earth Day. I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalist, white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren’t enough bike paths. Tryin’ to make the world safe for their repulsive Volvos.

Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet anyway. Not really. Not in the abstract. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. That’s all. They’re worried that sometime in the future they might personally be inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.

And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years. Did you ever think about that? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. And we’ve been here for what? A hundred thousand? And we’ve only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred versus 4.5 billion! And we have the nerve, the conceit to think that somehow we’re a threat? That somehow we’re going to put this beautiful little blue-green ball in jeopardy?

Believe me, this planet has put up with much worse than us. It’s been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, solar flares, sunspots, magnetic storms, pole reversals, planetary floods, worldwide fires, tidal waves, wind and water erosion, cosmic rays, ice ages, and hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets, asteroids, and meteors. And people think a few plastic bags and aluminum cans are going to make a difference?

See Ya!

The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.

The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas. And it will heal itself, because that’s what the planet does; it’s a self-correcting system. The air and water and earth will recover and be renewed. And if plastic is really not degradable, well, most likely the planet will incorporate it into a new paradigm: The Earth Plus Plastic. Earth doesn’t share our prejudice against plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. She probably sees it as one of her many children.

In fact, it could be the reason the earth allowed us to be spawned in the first place; it wanted plastic and didn’t know how to make it. It needed us. That could be the answer to our age-old question: “Why are we here?” “Plastic, assholes!”

“I Just Can’t Shake This Cold”