Текст книги "You Against Me "

Автор книги: Дженни Даунхэм

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

He left another message: I’m sorry, Ellie, I’m so sorry, but I think something bad’s about to happen.

Fourth apology in twenty‑four hours. He’d made such a cockup. He’d hurt Karyn, hurt Ellie, and he hadn’t meant to do either, not in a million years. He closed his eyes, tried to keep calm. If he just sat here, if he simply kept breathing, maybe it would be all right.

Thirty‑eight

Good girls aren’t supposed to think of a boy’s velvet neck, or the tilt of his head when he smiles. They’re especially not supposed to think of these things when it’s their last study skills session for the non‑calculator Maths exam.

Ellie blinked several times to erase all thoughts of Mikey.

‘So, that’s an example question,’ Ms Farish said. ‘Now please take up your notebooks, write down three criticisms of this method of estimation, and remember, as long as what you say is plausible and sensible, you should get the marks.’

Ellie sighed, and opened up her notebook. If she couldn’t concentrate on statistics and probability, she could at least do something useful. She turned to a blank page and wrote Revision, then she drew a table with twelve columns and divided up the weeks until the main GCSE exams began and gave the table thirty‑five rows. She’d revise for three hours every night when she got home from school. She’d eat dinner (half an hour), then she’d revise for a further two hours until bed. At weekends, she’d revise for ten hours a day and would reward herself with a DVD. She’d get seven hours’ sleep a night. She tried to work out how many total hours’ revision she’d given herself and how many hours’ sleep she’d get, but this was a non‑calculator study session and she couldn’t get her head round it. Instead, at the bottom of the page she drew a green snake with a red tongue.

Beyond the classroom window, sun glittered on the playground. The edge of the playing field was just visible and the grass looked very friendly waving at her. Ellie thought of the river, just out of view. She liked the fact she couldn’t see it, but that she knew its freezing sparkle would be making bright patterns on the fence.

The probability of something which is certain is one. The probability of something which is impossible is zero. Taking off her clothes and jumping into the river on that Wednesday afternoon when she should have been at school was definitely in the second category, and yet it had happened. How did mathematics explain that?

Statement: A girl and a boy jump into a river. The boy swims over to the girl and says, ‘God, it’s cold.’

Question: What’s the probability they will kiss?’

No, she mustn’t think of Mikey! She especially mustn’t think of kissing him yesterday – his kisses, soft and insubstantial at first, hardly there at all, and yet enough to make her blood leap. She mustn’t think of how the kisses built – becoming desperate, as if they were both searching for something.

She snapped her attention back to the classroom. Her plan was to work hard and make up for all the study sessions she’d missed, and there was no time in that regime for Mikey.

‘So,’ Ms Farish said, ‘let’s remind ourselves of different ways to represent data diagrammatically.’

Ellie wrote down, Horizontal axis, Vertical axis. She listened as Ms Farish described how to group data into classes. But when it came to drawing a graph, she drew a cottage instead, a fire, a boy, a zip. She wrote the words I’ve never felt this with anyone before. And bolded them, boxed them in. Wrote them again in capitals.

No one else seemed to be having trouble concentrating. She looked around at all the heads bent over tables, at all the pens feverishly scribbling. Statistically, there were kids in this room who cried themselves to sleep because of exams. They were exhausted, they had terrible headaches. They woke in the mornings feeling they’d had no sleep at all. Their eyes were itchy, their stomachs ached. These were her classmates, thirty of them, and she barely knew them at all.

What was it she’d said to her dad? None of us knows each other.

Question: If a room has thirty people in it, how many secrets are in the room?

Answer: Infinity.

She had a sudden and overwhelming desire to stand up and confess her own, like some kind of truth Tourette’s. She’d march up to the front of the class, knock Ms Farish out of the way of the interactive whiteboard and write: I made love with Mikey McKenzie in front of a roaring fire and I never imagined love could be so good. Inspired by her bravery, everyone would share their secrets. Ms Farish would tell them why she left her previous school, Joseph would show them the cuts on his arms and explain his compulsion, Alicia would give her reasons for spending every lunch break in the toilets. On and on, round the whole class. Maybe she’d even get a second turn. She’d write: My brother is guilty. Ellie wondered if you would use a bar chart, a pie chart or a histogram to describe the data you gathered.

Outside, spring clouds bowled along, the grass continued to wave, the river flowed as it always had. She wrote a poem: We are naked. You are tender. Your hands know exactly where to be. She ripped it from her notebook, crumpled it into a ball and put it in her pocket. Ms Farish came over and stood at her table.

‘Problems?’ she said.

Ellie shook her head. Ms Farish went away. She tried aversion therapy. Every time she thought of Mikey, she pinched the soft skin on the back of her hand. Concentrating on the whiteboard now, she wrote down the words dependent variable, independent variable  as instructed, and began to draw a graph using the data supplied. Within five minutes her hand hurt so much from pinching that she had to stop drawing. She tried to think of horrible things about Mikey, but she couldn’t think of any, and in realizing there were none, she realized how much she wanted to see him again. But if she saw him, she’d have to do something about Karyn. She’d have to get a lawyer like Barry had suggested, make a new statement, get a new family to live with, because hers wouldn’t want her any more.

She drew a cold shower. A shoe. A car crash. She chewed the end of her pen for a minute, then started a new list, Being good. It entailed revision (a lot of it), not eating anything with sugar in it, being nice to her family, dressing virtuously and not contacting Mikey. This immediately made her think of all the opposites – no revision, undressing. Calling him…

Yesterday, on the rug in her grandparents’ cottage, she’d traced kisses along the base of Mikey’s spine and told him, ‘I’ll always have seen you naked.’

He’d turned over to smile at her, his eyes never leaving hers as he mapped a line from her belly to her breasts. He said, ‘I can feel your heart.’ His fingers marked her pulse. He said, ‘Now, now and now.’

How had she ever thought she’d be able to forget him?

She sank her head onto the desk. Images swam into her mind – her mum fanning herself at breakfast and saying I can’t breathe in this house, her dad’s weary smile and barely concealed irritation, the constant fear in Tom’s eyes, the way her mum wouldn’t meet her gaze in the car on the way to school when Ellie said, Shouldn’t we talk about what I said in the garden?, Mikey’s cigarette lighter hidden in her school bag, the knowledge of Karyn McKenzie wounded on a sofa…

‘Ellie?’ Ms Farish stood over the desk frowning. ‘You all right?’

She nodded, startled. Everyone around her was gathering their stuff together and heading out of the door.

Ms Farish said, ‘You can stay here if you want, Ellie, but I suggest you take the opportunity to get some fresh air and come back after lunch for part two.’

The corridors were crazy, as usual. At break time, the teachers disappeared into the staffroom for sugar and caffeine and left the kids to roam like wild buffalo. This was the time of day you were likely to get casually shoved against the lockers, to get your phone nicked, your bag rifled through, chewing gum chucked at you, your dinner money hijacked. The boys gave each other brutal and meaningless thumps. It was survival of the fittest, and the trick was to keep your head down, look no one in the eye and walk purposefully.

At least Ellie wasn’t the centre of attention any more, not since Keira in Year Ten had got pregnant and the gossip machine had turned its attention to who the dad was and if Keira was keeping the baby and why hadn’t she got the morning‑after pill in the first place, blah, blah.

It was warm outside and quieter. Ellie walked the edge of the playground looking for somewhere to sit. Her favourite bench had been commandeered by Stacey ever since she realized it was the place Ellie liked to be. She waved at Ellie now, as she did every time she saw her.

‘Hey, bitch.’

‘Leave it, Stacey.’

‘You leave it.’

‘I’m not doing anything.’

‘So you say.’

It was ridiculous that they did this every day. Maybe they’d even miss it if one of them forgot. It was something they both understood, almost routine.

Ellie found a place to sit on the low wall by the fence and turned her face to the sun. Vitamin D was most easily absorbed through the eyelids and Vitamin D was the one that made you happy. She had forty‑five minutes to get there.

Thirty‑nine

Mikey opened one eye to Jacko, crunching across the gravel towards him. He had his arms up, palms flat, like he was surrendering. It wasn’t funny.

‘I’m sorry, man,’ he said when he got close. ‘About last night, I mean. Serious, I didn’t think it would blow up like that.’

Mikey shook his head and looked back down at the sand, at the boats marooned down there.

‘I had to tell Karyn before someone else did.’

‘Who are you kidding?’

‘It’s true. When I came to pick you up and saw you get on that bus, I knew I wouldn’t be the only one who clocked it. Imagine if some random stranger told her. Imagine how that would feel.’

Mikey glared at him. ‘I haven’t got time for this.’ He scrolled through the texts on his phone. Maybe he’d missed something from Ellie or Mum earlier. Nothing. He checked his voicemail. No new messages.

Jacko sat next to him on the bench. ‘Any news?’

‘Like you care.’

‘I do, actually.’

Down on the beach, a little kid was running with a kite snapping on the end of a bit of string. Funny how when life was that simple, you never realized how lucky you were.

Jacko nudged Mikey’s foot with his. ‘So, is this an official break you’re having out here?’

Mikey shuffled away, opened his phone again, texted Karyn, Hurry up.

Jacko said, ‘Listen, man. I know this is none of my business, but I don’t think you should push it with Sue. She went nuts yesterday when you didn’t come in. You want to keep your job, don’t you?’

Mikey texted Mum, Call me NOW.

Jacko sighed. ‘Maybe one day we’ll look back at this and laugh.’

‘I doubt it.’

‘You never know.’

Mikey pretended to think about that. ‘No, Jacko, I really don’t think that’s going to happen. You know why? Because when this kicks off, Ellie’s never going to speak to me again.’

‘Two months ago you never knew her and she didn’t speak to you anyway.’

Mikey sank his head into his hands, dizzy with how far away he and Jacko were from each other.

‘Blame me if you like,’ Jacko said. ‘I don’t mind.’

‘Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.’

The trill of his phone made them both start. His fingers were clumsy. He scowled at Jacko. ‘Do you mind? This is private.’

Jacko shrugged, moved away to the end of the bench and pretended not to listen. Mikey sat on the harbour wall and looked down at the boats.

‘Mum?’ he said. ‘What’s happening?’

‘I can’t speak for long, Mikey, we’re right in the middle of things here.’ She sounded sober, wide awake, oddly calm.

‘You called Gillian then?’

‘I wasn’t going to sit around waiting to see what happened next.’

‘Yeah, well, thanks for that.’

‘I’ve got a daughter here who needs me, Mikey. I told you that last night.’

I need you too, he thought, but he didn’t say it out loud. He’d brought this on himself and now he had to take it.

‘So, what’s the news?’

‘Gillian said it’s good we told her, and she phoned the detectives in charge of Karyn’s case and let them know.’

‘And what did they say?’

‘They’re going to go round and pick your friend up.’

A pulse banged in Mikey’s head. ‘Round where?’

‘I don’t know – her house, I suppose.’

‘She won’t be there, she’ll be at school.’

‘Well then, I expect they’ll go there.’

‘You can’t send cops round the school!’

‘For goodness’ sake, Mikey, they only want to talk to her. It won’t hurt her to tell the truth, will it?’

He cut her off, didn’t want to hear any more. He turned to Jacko. ‘I need the car.’

‘No way.’

‘You owe me.’

‘I don’t.’

‘Come on, man, you heard that. You’ve got to help.’

Jacko got out his tobacco and strapped a rollie together, slowly, deliberately, as if time was something there was a lot of. Mikey tried to hold his anger down, knew he didn’t stand a chance of the car if he pushed too hard.

Jacko said, ‘Why do you like her so much?’

‘I don’t know, I just do.’

‘Very descriptive.’

Mikey kicked the wall with his foot, scuffing up sand. ‘What do you want me to say?’

‘I want you to say why you like her.’

Jacko seriously wanted him humiliated, that was obvious. It was going against every rule, every part of the male code. But it was worth it for the car keys.

‘I can’t help it, it’s as simple as that. I can’t do anything to stop it.’ He took a breath. ‘Like you can’t help being addicted to your car.’

Jacko frowned. ‘She’s like a car?’

‘No, man. She’s – I dunno…’ He ran a hand through his hair, tried to think exactly what it was that Ellie did to him. It felt important to get it right. ‘She shines.’

‘Like a car?’

‘Stop taking the piss.’ He sat on the bench and looked Jacko in the eye. ‘When I was growing up, I had this fantasy of a perfect girl. She never really had a face, but she had a great body and she liked everything about me.’ He felt himself flush, but knew it was important to carry on. ‘When I first saw Ellie, I knew it was her – she was my fantasy. I didn’t want it to be true, but every time I met her it was obvious, and the funny thing was that she was better than the fantasy, like I got more stuff than I’d imagined.’

Jacko blew smoke out in a long thin line towards the harbour. ‘Like what?’

He listed them on his fingers. ‘She makes me laugh, she knows stuff, she listens. She surprises me, you know – like, she can be calm one minute, then totally out there the next? What else? She’s drop‑dead gorgeous, she’s a mystery. I dunno, man, this sounds like bollocks.’

Jacko’s eyes softened slightly, and Mikey dared to carry on.

‘I thought I could keep away from her, but I couldn’t. Whenever I wasn’t with her, I’d think about her. I tried fancying other girls, and couldn’t. I mean, I’d literally walk down the street and try and imagine other girls naked and it didn’t do it for me, I didn’t want them. And when I thought Ellie set me up for a kicking and when I didn’t see her for ages and thought she didn’t care, I went nuts. I didn’t want to get up, or go to work or anything, and I’m sorry about that, mate, I can see how crap it was for you, but I was terrified I’d never see her again. I like her that much.’

There, he’d said it out loud and Jacko could think what he wanted. But instead of yelling at him, or taking the piss, Jacko grinned. ‘Thank God for that.’

‘What?’

‘That’s the first time you’ve told me the truth in weeks.’ He reached into his pocket and pulled out the car keys. ‘Here. Don’t scratch it and don’t say I never do anything for you.’ Their fingers touched; Jacko didn’t let go of the keys. ‘I’m here for you, man. I’ve always been here for you, it’s just you stopped knowing it.’

Mikey threw an arm round him and gave him a thump on the back. It was exactly the right thing to do, he could tell by Jacko’s smile. ‘Tell Dex I’m sorry.’

‘You’re going to have to do that yourself.’ Jacko nodded towards the entrance to the car park, where Dex was striding over. He looked weird outside, with his apron flapping in the wind.

‘You need to come back inside,’ he called. ‘Both of you, now. Sue’s on the warpath.’

Mikey couldn’t look at him as he got close. He took off his own apron and passed it to Jacko, put the keys in his pocket.

‘The car’s round the back,’ Jacko said, ‘in the yard.’

Dex put his hands on his hips. The disappointment in his eyes was horrible. ‘Where are you going, Mikey?’

‘I’m really sorry.’

‘If you leave again, I can’t help you.’

‘I know.’

‘It’s urgent,’ Jacko said. ‘I’ll cover for him. You won’t even notice he’s gone.’

‘No,’ Dex said. ‘If he goes now, that’s it, there’s nothing I can do.’

He had a wooden spoon in his hand, some kind of paste clinging to it in a sticky lump. And, weirdly, it was the spoon that was hard to turn away from.

Forty

It was crazy, Mikey thought, the things your body could do when you didn’t want it to. The heat spreading from chest to face to eyes, blood racing, the mad adrenalin surge. Even his voice became hoarse and faltering as he saw Ellie through the school fence and called her over.

She frowned at him like maybe it was a trick, then picked up her bag and walked towards him. Just looking at her hurt.

She said, ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’

‘I bunked it. I had to speak to you.’

‘Is everything OK?’

‘I tried calling. I sent you loads of texts.’

‘My dad took my phone.’ She laced her fingers through the metal loops of the fence. She looked ashamed. He hated her family for that. None of this was her fault.

‘Can you get out?’

‘The bell’s gone and I’ve got a Maths revision class.’

‘It’s important. Just for a few minutes?’

‘I don’t know.’ She glanced around at the kids retreating back into school, at the teacher at the gate herding stragglers in. ‘I’m trying not to get into any more trouble.’

He felt suddenly knackered. All these kids walking across the playground and back into school; soon they’d be whispering about this, nudging each other, laughing at Ellie. He felt the aching sadness of that.

‘Five minutes, Ellie, please. Come and sit by the river with me. Ten minutes max, I promise.’

‘You’re going to hate me when you know what a coward I was last night.’

‘I told you yesterday, I’ll never hate you.’

She smiled. ‘You always make me feel better, you know that?’

She walked to the gate, and he followed along the pavement on his side of the fence. A woman walked past with a baby twisting in her arms. Somewhere a bird sang. Everyday things. There was a teacher at the entrance, ‘Come on, come on,’ he yelled as the last few kids made it through. ‘Move yourselves, or you’re going to be late.’

Mikey shivered. He hated all this – the rules, the adults bellowing, timetables and places to be. It narrowed everything down.

Ellie tried to sidle past the guy, but he stuck his arm out, blocking her way. ‘Wrong direction.’

‘It’s important,’ Ellie said. ‘And my tutor said it was OK.’

He frowned down at her. ‘Do you have a permission slip?’

‘He forgot to give me one.’

‘Then turn round, please, and go straight to class.’

Ellie folded her arms. ‘There are urgent and personal reasons why I need to leave and my tutor is fully aware of them. I’m sixteen, so it’s not statutory that I remain on site and I believe you may be contravening my human rights by not allowing me out.’

Mikey was stunned. She gave the guy her name and tutor group and he simply opened the gate.

‘That was cool,’ Mikey said as she joined him on the pavement. ‘I thought you said you weren’t brave?’

‘I’ll be in trouble later, wait and see.’ She smiled at him. ‘You know, however hard I try to be good, it always goes wrong.’

They threaded hands as they crossed the bridge. It was fantastic to touch her.

‘I can’t be long,’ she said. ‘Serious, I shouldn’t be. I promised myself I’d revise today.’

He didn’t fancy explaining why she actually wouldn’t be going back, but he managed to persuade her to step over the railings and walk with him down the grassy slope to the river. It looked dark, lots of green stuff swishing about in it and trees hanging overhead. The slope was dappled with shadow and patches of sun.

‘Let’s sit here for a bit,’ he said.

It was hidden from the school, hidden from the road. At least if the cops came, they wouldn’t see her down here.

‘So,’ she said. ‘What’s happened now?’

He reached for her hand again and clasped it, like he could take care of her in a small way, even though he was about to hurt her masses.

‘You’re not going to like it.’

‘Just tell me.’

He shook his head, couldn’t believe he was about to say this, was sure the whole town took a pause – all the cars and TVs, all the people, everything still and listening. ‘I told Karyn what you said yesterday about not being a witness for your brother.’

The light left Ellie’s face. ‘Why did you do that?’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. Jacko told her we were seeing each other and she went mad and I got mad back and it just came out.’

‘Oh.’

‘And that’s not all. I’m sorry, but she knows you lied in your police statement.’

Ellie covered her face with her hands and collapsed backwards onto the grass. ‘Oh,’ she said again, but quieter this time.

He wanted to touch her, to take her hands from her face and kiss her. But he didn’t know if that was the right thing to do, so instead he lay down next to her and told her the whole story, from the moment he got home last night, to the moment he took the call from his mum half an hour ago. He tried to make it less dramatic, tried to find spaces in it where it didn’t sound important, but when he got to the bit about the cops wanting to haul Ellie in, there was no hiding.

‘They might come to the school,’ he said. ‘That’s why I had to find you. My mum wasn’t sure if they’d go to your house or come straight here.’

Ellie lay completely still, only her belly moving up and down.

He said, ‘Why aren’t you saying anything?’

From behind her hands she whispered, ‘You tricked me after all.’

‘I didn’t tell Karyn on purpose!’

‘You and me at the cottage – I absolutely fell for it.’

‘No, Ellie, this isn’t part of some plan to get information out of you. Yesterday was real. You have to believe me.’

‘I have  to?’ She sat up. She looked different, harder. ‘Do you know how it feels to have no one you can trust?’

‘I didn’t trick you.’

‘So you say. Let’s look at the evidence, shall we? At the beginning you got to know me on purpose, so you could find stuff out about my brother. Then, when I discovered who you were, you did your big Oh no, you can trust me, I really like you  speech and I fell for it. I did  tell you stuff, and as soon as you heard it, you ran to Karyn with the details. Bit suspicious, wouldn’t you say?’ She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘You’re the world’s biggest trickster.’

‘You’re paranoid. I could just as easily say you’ve been tricking me.’

‘What! How did I trick you? That makes no sense.’

‘Maybe you wanted  me to tell Karyn. Maybe you didn’t have the guts to tell the truth to the cops yourself, and now you can tell Mummy and Daddy that the scary boy from the housing estate forced it out of you.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous!’

‘I might be wrong.’

‘Yeah, you might be!’ She stood up. ‘I have to go.’ She took a couple of steps up the slope, then turned back to him. ‘I actually thought you liked me – isn’t that mad?’

‘I do  like you. Blame me if you want, tell me I’m a total tosser, but don’t tell me I don’t like you. I really  like you, Ellie.’

She smiled, a small glimmer of warmth. ‘Liar.’

‘Truth.’

She sank to the grass. ‘Are they going to arrest me?’

‘I don’t know. They probably just want to talk to you.’

She buried her face in her knees. He went and sat next to her, stroked her hair, wanted her to know he was sorry.

‘Don’t.’

‘Please, Ellie.’

‘No.’ She pushed him away. ‘I’m thinking. Leave me alone.’

Above them, the trees were beginning to do their thing. All the leaves looked like mouths about to open.

‘I’ve got Jacko’s car,’ he said. ‘I could drive us somewhere.’

She didn’t say anything.

‘We could disappear.’ It was a brilliant idea. The shit would hit the fan later – with Karyn, Mum, just about everyone in fact, and Jacko would be pissed off about the car – but it would make today easier. ‘We could hide out at your grandparents’ place.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘I’ve got money. We can buy food, loads of it, and go and live there for a while.’

‘No.’

‘Think about it, Ellie – just until the worst is over.’

‘Are you insane?’ She took her hands away from her face. ‘It isn’t going to be over, don’t you get it? Someone’s family’s going to be ruined – yours or mine, that’s the choice. We can’t run away. This is real life, Mikey!’

She sounded like she was talking to a kid, or someone stupid from another planet. He hated that.

She lay back on the grass and covered her face with her arm. He got out his tobacco, made a rollie and lay next to her. They were quiet for ages. He wondered if she was coming up with some clever plan, or maybe she was considering the running‑away idea. It’d be good holing up in that cottage. They could stay there for weeks, making fires, talking, touching.

When he’d finished smoking, he nudged her with his elbow, very gently. ‘How you doing?’

‘My bones hurt.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘And everything’s gone very bright and light, like I’m floating.’

‘Maybe you’re in shock.’

He leaned over and kissed her neck.

‘Don’t,’ she said.

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t do that.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because we only met six times and now it’s over.’

‘Seven, and it’s not over.’

She looked at him desperately. ‘I don’t want it to end.’

‘Neither do I.’ He took her hand. ‘I’m sorry I told Karyn. I completely fucked up. But it doesn’t have to end.’

She blinked at him. ‘I think it does.’

He leaned over and kissed the tip of her nose. Very softly. Three times. She didn’t stop him. He rolled her onto him and held her there. She gave him her weight, tucked her chin into his neck, so they were warm and tangled. It was sunny, maybe the warmest day of the year so far. Shadows lengthened across the grass as Monday lunchtime turned into Monday afternoon.

‘What will they do to me?’ she said eventually.

‘Talk to you, that’s all.’

‘Where?’

‘At the police station.’

‘What will I tell them?’

‘The truth.’

‘I want to speak to my mum.’ She rolled off, picked up her coat and bag. ‘My dad won’t be home from work yet.’

‘I’ll take you.’

‘No, I’ll walk. I need time to get used to the idea.’

‘Ellie, you don’t have to do this by yourself.’

She smiled wearily at him. ‘Go back to work, Mikey, I don’t want you to lose your job as well. I’ll walk along the river, so no one sees me. Don’t worry, I can follow it all the way home.’

He walked with her down to the path. It was cooler closer to the water. There were some ducks. A swan curved its neck down to feed. They stopped to watch.

After a few moments, Ellie took a breath and turned to him. ‘Can I have a hug goodbye?’

He held out his arms and she gave him a strange half‑hug. It was clumsy and sad and not what he thought was going to happen at all.

‘I’m going,’ she said, ‘before I change my mind.’

He looked for fear in her eyes, but it seemed to have gone, replaced by a strange calm.

Forty‑one

Ellie walked up from the river, through the gate and across the lawn. Her mum was kneeling on a bit of old blanket, pushing a trowel into the flowerbeds.

Tell her, tell her, you have to tell her.

She sat back on her heels when she saw Ellie. ‘You’re home early.’ She wiped the sweat away from her forehead with her sleeve. Her gloves were all muddy and she had bits of leaf in her hair. ‘Or have I lost track of time? I’ve been out here most of the day and it’s been fantastic. Feels like summer now, wouldn’t you say? Look at all these green shoots thrusting up.’

Ellie feigned interest, because this would please her mum, because it would delay things, because words were hard to find.

‘Those are tulips,’ Mum said, smiling, ‘and those pink ones are bergenia.’

Ellie squatted on the grass. ‘I need to speak to you.’

‘You’ll get wet sitting there.’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘How was school? Was it OK?’

‘It was fine. I had Maths revision.’

‘Poor baby. I don’t envy you that.’

She turned back to her digging. ‘I’ve been tying things back and weeding. Look, I even planted some bulbs.’

When breaking bad news you’re supposed to ask the victim to sit down so they don’t bang their head when they collapse. You’re supposed to provide sweet tea, a blanket and a cool hand on the forehead. But what do you do when the person refuses to listen?

‘Mum, where’s Tom?’

‘Up in his room, I expect.’

‘And Dad?’

‘Norwich, trying to find a new law firm.’

Ellie took a breath. ‘So, did you hear me? Can I talk to you?’

‘I heard.’

But she didn’t stop digging. How easy just to listen to the sharp clang of the trowel hitting stone and to watch as a soft pile of mud and weeds landed neatly in the bucket. How easy to go indoors and get some milk, eat a biscuit, watch TV.

‘Can we go and sit on the bench?’

Mum frowned, pulled her coat firmly across her chest. ‘Is this about yesterday?’

‘Yes.’

‘Can it wait until Dad gets home?’

‘Not really.’

Her mum refused the bench, sat instead on the swing behind the walnut tree. Strange to see her there, like a girl, with her feet tucked under. Ellie sat on the grass and watched her pull on the ropes and lean back, her hair flying.

‘I used to love swinging when I was a child,’ Mum said. ‘Nothing could make me dizzy.’

Ellie was aware her mouth was very dry, like she’d walked through a sandstorm. ‘I’ve got something important to tell you.’

‘I think people lose something to do with simple happiness when they grow up,’ Mum said.

‘Please, Mum, listen. I have to go to the police station.’

Mum scraped her feet along the ground to bring her to a stop. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘I’m going to make a new statement.’

‘You’ve made a statement.’

‘It was a lie.’

Mum shook her head very slowly. ‘I’m calling your father.’

‘Please don’t.’

‘You’re not talking to anyone until you’ve spoken to him.’

‘I am. The police are coming for me.’

‘Coming for you? They can’t just turn up and pluck little girls from their homes.’

The storm had come. It was right here, right now, and there was nothing to be done but face it. Ellie felt strangely calm, as if she’d stepped outside her own body and was looking down at herself.