Текст книги "Forever Loved"

Автор книги: Deanna Roy

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

25: Gavin

We couldn’t pull this day off without Jenny. I waited downstairs in the lobby for her to appear in her Kermit coat. She would head up first and take Corabelle’s parents to the apartment, ostensibly to pack some things up for when Corabelle got discharged.

Then Corabelle and I would come down. We’d meet up with Tina and all go to the lab on the first floor, just outside emergency, to have the test done.

I didn’t know what Corabelle might say to Rosa, or what point there was to seeing the boy if he would prove not to be mine. But I wasn’t going to deny her, not now, now that she knew. And truth be told, I was glad to have her.

Rosa would be going back to Tijuana after this, although I didn’t know how she was going to manage the boy if her brother kicked her out of the apartment.

God, it was so screwed up.

I saw the pink hair bobbing before she even got to the doors. No green coat today, but a gray wool number that looked like something my mother would wear over black tights and boots. “What happened to you?” I asked. “You look like someone forgot to color you in.”

She spun around. “My grown-up-girl coat. My mother got it for me, thinking she could convince me to look normal.”

“It’s working.”

“Yeah, I figured I’d tone it down for Cora’s family. When in Boringsville, act boring.”

We threaded through the hallways to the elevators.

“You ready for your baby-daddy test?”

I shrugged. “I’m ready for this to be over.”

“Cora seems to be rallying. Her texts are all about the skanky ho and sending her packing.”

I smacked the elevator button. “I think that’s your spin on her position.”

Jenny pulled out a little mirror and poked her fingers at the corners of her lashes, where she had enough eyeliner to write the Constitution. “Too much?” she asked.

“It’s you.”

She snapped it closed. “True. And sure, skanky ho might have been my reinterpretation. But she’s definitely got your back on this.”

The doors slid open and a tall doctor poking at an iPad glanced up.

“Holy hospital beds!” Jenny said. “Can we get a room?”

The man’s face filled with confusion. “I’m sorry?”

I pulled on Jenny’s elbow to drag her to the back corner of the elevator.

“But I’m feeling sort of weak!” Jenny said.

I actually wanted to laugh, but I felt sorry for the flummoxed doctor. I couldn’t unleash the full force of Jenny on some unsuspecting stranger. “Remember the TA,” I said, nudging her.

“I’m into polyamory,” Jenny said, staring at the man’s shoulders. “We should ALL be into polyamory.”

The elevator lurched up, and I leaned forward to tap the correct floor.

“I’m going wherever HE’S going,” Jenny said, peering at the illuminated numbers.

“Not today,” I said, holding on to her arm when the doors opened and the doctor stepped out.

Jenny sighed. “All right, all right. I’m taking this one for the team. But I’ll be on the lookout for Dr. Malachi Patinsky.” She pulled out her compact to check her eyes again. “This isn’t the right look for the future Mrs. Dr. Malachi Patinsky.” She softened the hard edge into a lighter smudge. “There.”

I shook my head. “You’re something else.”

She snapped the mirror shut. “That I am. I’m going to have to start visiting Corabelle more often. Daily, in fact.” She stuck the silver case in her pocket. “You going to the star party tonight?”

“Not sure. Corabelle insists I go to class like normal.”

“You skipped this morning.”

“I know. I couldn’t make myself drive over there with this hanging over my head.”

“Makes sense to me. They didn’t talk about anything I couldn’t understand. So you know it was pointless.”

The elevator opened on our floor. “I think you don’t give yourself enough credit.”

She stepped out ahead of me. “I know. I just like playing the dingbat and lowering everyone’s expectations.”

“Somebody’s going to see right through that ruse.” We turned down the hall. “But probably not that TA.”

“Nah. He likes me dumb. But not Dr. Malachi. I would be smart for him.”

Corabelle’s door stood wide open. She was alone for the moment, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, dressed in the jeans and sweater I’d brought early that morning to spare her having to wear her mother’s clothes. She looked practically normal, other than her surroundings. This might be her last day. We were hoping.

“Where are the parental units?” Jenny asked, flopping on the end of the bed.

“Coffee,” Corabelle said. “They’ll be back in a sec.”

“Game plan?” Jenny asked. “Because there’s a doctor in the house I want to convince to come out and play.”

“I bet,” Corabelle said. “But he might not have enough time for you.”

“That’s why I’ll pick three. A man for every shift.” She twirled her pink hair thoughtfully. “Maybe a heart surgeon, a respiratory therapist, and…hmmm. An anesthesiologist.”

“That’s just weird,” Corabelle said.

“I like diversity.” Jenny jumped up and paced the room. “Okay, so I snatch the Rotheford clan and take them to your place. Let them pack.” She whirled around. “Anything I need to steer them away from? Porn? Lube stash?” She glanced at me. “Manly unmentionables?”

“Nope,” Corabelle said. “Just have them pack things in case I have to stay a lot longer. Be your usual Jenny self. Deliberate over outfits. Be annoying.”

“Hey!” Jenny plopped back on the bed. “I’m a curiosity. Never an annoyance.”

I grunted, and Jenny shot daggers at me. “You people do not appreciate originality.”

“I’m about to appreciate it a whole lot,” Corabelle said, passing her the keys to her apartment. “We need at least an hour. So no rush.”

“Got it.” Jenny stuck the keys in her pocket. “So you going to be all right? Facing the beast?” She looked back and forth between us.

Corabelle uncurled her legs and stood next to me. “We’re a fortress.” She tucked her hand inside the crook of my arm, and I held on to it. “Impenetrable.”

Her parents came back, and the room erupted into a chorus of introductions, air kisses, and over-the-top Jennyisms. I checked my phone. Five minutes until our appointment in the lab.

Jenny caught my eye. “Well, let’s get this show on the bandwagon!” She headed for the door. “I have to take my new favorite mom and dad to hit the town.”

When they were gone, Corabelle squeezed my hand. “Now we just have to make sure the nurses don’t try and stop me.” She moved into the bathroom to run a brush through her hair, frowning at the reflection. “I wanted to put on makeup, but that seemed too suspicious.”

I leaned in the doorway. “You don’t need it.”

She faced me, and in her expression I saw all the anxiety that I felt. “But she—”

I pulled her in to me. “She’s just someone I once knew. You’re beautiful. You’re perfect.”

Her arms came around me, and I hung on to her. In the mirror, her black hair fell down her shoulders, covering my arm. I examined my reflection to be sure no trace of uncertainty would betray me. This was just something to get through. It would go our way.

26: Corabelle

As soon as we had successfully passed the nurse station and gotten to the elevator bank, I pulled the blue surgical mask off my face.

“You sure that’s safe?” Gavin asked.

“I don’t care. I can’t handle it right now.”

He nodded, his fingers gripping mine. His face was unreadable. I wasn’t sure what the moment meant for him, how certain he might be that the boy wasn’t his. I imagined having his past meeting his present like this had to be difficult.

Tina waited for us outside the entrance to the lab. “Paperwork,” she said, holding out a clipboard. “I assume you want the accredited legally admissible test or you would have just bought an over-the-counter one at a drugstore,” she said.

“Yeah. I looked at those,” Gavin said.

“They take too long,” I said. “This is next day, right?”

Tina nodded. “And it will hold up in court if you need it. It’s $200. You have that?”

“Yeah.” Gavin took the clipboard. “Should we go in?” He took a step toward the gray door. Through a narrow window I could see a counter with a woman sorting through a stack of papers.

Tina stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “Rosa’s already here. That’s why I waited outside. You ready for this?” She was looking at me.

I refused to let my chest get tight or for my breathing to be labored. “I am.”

“Okay, here we go.” She pulled on the handle and walked in first.

Gavin followed her, but I found my shoes were rooted to the floor. I had all these images of this woman in my mind. Spangly shirt, tight skirts, stripper shoes. I wasn’t sure how to manage the real thing, an actual flesh-and-blood woman who knew Gavin as intimately as I did.

Gavin sensed my hesitation and held open the door. “I love you,” he said, loud enough for anyone to hear it, and this was enough to force my legs to move again.

There was no mistaking who she was, because the line of chairs was empty save for one woman and a little boy. My throat tightened as my gaze moved between them. She had on a simple flowered dress covered in a teal coat that clashed with the print. Her shoes were worn and flat. Her hair, though, was lustrous, long, and black. I couldn’t miss the similarity of it to mine, and somehow this comforted me rather than make my indignation rise up.

She wasn’t beautiful, but she wasn’t plain either. Just a girl, a little soft in the middle, like I had been at first after Finn, extra weight quickly lost in the pain and misery that followed.

My eyes went to the boy, but this was so much harder that pain shot through my chest. He was small with such big eyes. He held a truck in one hand, bulky and plastic. The other clutched his mother. His hair was unruly and dark, covering the tops of his ears and touching the upturned collar of his puffy brown coat, a couple sizes too large for him.

I knew Tina and Gavin were at the counter, and my art therapy image was playing out. But it was all so different, Gavin at the desk and me facing this woman and her child.

She had not greeted Gavin but just sat in her chair. “It’s just a cotton swab,” I said, not even sure why I was saying it. “It won’t hurt.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“I thought it would be a blood test,” I went on, knowing I was rambling. “And I knew that would be hard, watching him cry. But it’s not. It won’t be.”

Tina turned to us and squeezed my arm. “You okay?”

“Yes.” I turned to her. “I’m fine.”

“Rosa?” Tina said. “You want to bring Manuel back for the swab?” She moved toward the corridor past the desk.

When Rosa stood, the boy seemed to panic. “No no no no!” he cried. She leaned down and picked him up, letting his knees settle on either side of her hips, a movement so natural for other mothers that it made my stomach quiver. I’d only held my son once. Just once. Long enough to watch him breathe a few last times. She had been holding her boy his whole life.

I felt my control falling away. I wasn’t going to be able to keep my emotions reined in. The tears behind my eyes triggered all the other sinuses to leak. My throat was gooey. I needed to cough. There might be gunk. I felt overwhelmed.

Gavin turned from the counter. “Hey, little buddy. Remember me? You’re going to be fine.”

Manual quieted, his head buried in Rosa’s hair. If Gavin went up to him, if he touched him, I knew I would pass out. I shouldn’t have come. I could not witness this.

Tina saw me and hurried back over. She glanced at the woman behind the desk. “Kelly, go ahead and take them back,” she said. “I’m going to sit out here.”

“Don’t you have a class?” I asked. “Won’t Clementine and Albert be waiting?” I felt like I was in a daze, and I just needed to keep talking.

“You’re not looking good,” Tina said. “Rosa, you go on back with Kelly.”

Manuel began to whimper, but Gavin stepped away without touching him.

“Let’s sit,” Tina said again, and this time she pulled me down on the chair. “I don’t want to wreck your recovery.”

“The nurses don’t know I’m out,” I said absently.

“Okay,” Tina said. “That’s fine. We’ll get you back up.”

Rosa and the boy disappeared down the hall. Only when they were gone did Gavin turn around.

“Shit, Corabelle, you okay?” He rushed over.

“I think it’s a lot for her,” Tina said.

I shook her hand away. “I’m FINE. This is HARD. I’ll be fine.”

Gavin sat back in the chair and expelled a rush of air. “Yeah. This is tough.”

“This will end,” Tina said. “Waiting will not be easy either. You two should be together.”

I leaned my head back against the wall. “If I could get out of this hospital.”

“They didn’t put you on my roster for tomorrow,” Tina said. “So it’s looking good that this is your last day, or tomorrow morning. Did the doctor say?”

“The last X-ray was fine. Nobody’s signed off on anything, though.”

“You still taking antibiotics?” she asked.

“Nasty oral ones. I think they are what make me dizzy.”

“Well, hopefully soon.” She stood up as Kelly reappeared in the waiting room.

The boy came out next, a lollipop in his mouth. Then Rosa, holding the truck, looking relieved. “It not so hard,” she said to Gavin.

He stood up, and then it happened. Rosa glanced up at him, shyly, with a small smile. I knew the look, the emotion behind it. For a moment I was her, and I could feel all the things she felt, relief that the hard part was behind her, pleasure that he stood up out of respect for her, and yes, there it was, that rush of unmitigated love.

God, she was in love with him.

I turned back to Gavin, my heart smashing against my chest. He didn’t see it, or wouldn’t see it. How long had she felt this way? He said they had been together three years ago, but it must have gone on. She couldn’t have felt this way without seeing him since then.

Suddenly I doubted everything. His story. The truth. The child not being his. This was not a woman who was making something up for gain. She was following her heart. She had options. She was choosing this one.

The boy pushed on his mother until she looked down. He passed her the lollipop and dug through his pockets.

“¿Que necessitas, Manuelito?” she asked.

We all watched him as he clumsily shoved his hands into the fat pockets, finally extracting a small square package of gum. “¡Chicle!” he said, holding it up to Gavin.

The expression on Gavin’s face changed into something I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen. Surprise and amusement and disbelief and a very tender sort of pride.

“You remembered?” he asked.

The boy pressed the package into Gavin’s hand. “Yellow! You like!”

Gavin’s jaw clenched in a way I was used to seeing only when he was angry, and I realized he was holding in another sort of emotion now, raw and hard for him to manage. He was in love with this boy, it was so plain. And here this woman looked from the man to her son with such joy, like everything was clicking into perfect place.

I did not get up. I did not make a scene. I did not cry. And outwardly, I just held myself together, like I had years ago, watching another drama unfold, one that would not end happily, but in grief. And I prepared myself to lose everything all over again.

27: Gavin

Even if Rosa had put the boy up to it, I knew this moment had changed me. I had this taste, this very small understanding, of what it was like to be a father.

No matter what happened with the test, I would have to help them. For all I knew, Rosa would be out on the streets after taking her son back. The image of the woman sitting on the curb with the child clutching her was still very much on my mind. Tijuana was not kind to its poor.

Rosa seemed to be in some sort of a trance, and I figured it was what Mario had said – she had some sort of attachment to me I would have to deal with. That didn’t matter. I had Corabelle and that was that. But I could help them. I had to do that much.

I turned to Corabelle, who looked even more frail and sick than she had coming down. “We have to get her back to the room,” I said.

Tina stepped up, missing nothing. “I’m going to take her up. You still have to do your swab.”

She shook Corabelle’s arm. “Let’s get you back up.” Corabelle just sort of obeyed, not really looking at anyone directly.

I didn’t want to leave her, but Tina squeezed by me, and I stepped out of her way. As Corabelle came through, I pulled her to me, her head against my chest. “I’ll be right there,” I said. “I promise.”

She nodded against my shirt, and I let her go. Something wasn’t right with her, but I’d be there in just a minute, away from all this drama. We’d fix whatever it was. This meeting couldn’t have been easy for her.

Rosa looked at me uncertainly. “Gavin? We come here tomorrow? For answer?”

“Yes, back here. I think we have to wait for afternoon.”

“So, three? Three o’clock?”

The door behind us whooshed open. “Gavin?” It was the lab woman, Kelly. “You need to come back for your swab.”

Rosa moved away. “See you tomorrow, Gavin.”

I turned back to the lab. I needed to get this swab done and be back upstairs. Corabelle was more important. Rosa had already proven she could handle herself.

I turned back to get my first, and surely my only, paternity test.

28: Corabelle

The elevator trundled up, but when the doors opened to my floor, I didn’t want to go. “Can we go to the art room instead? Don’t you have class?”

“Not right now. I arranged all this around my schedule.” Tina held the doors. “I really think you should rest a bit. That wasn’t an easy scene.”

I backed farther into the corner. “I’ll go to the cafeteria then. I don’t want to see my parents.” I hesitated. “Or Gavin right now.”

Tina pulled her hand in and let the doors close. “All right.” She pressed another button.

“I like what you said to Albert yesterday, about the light in the window.”

Tina tucked a loose bit of hair into her pigtail. “I was blowing smoke, mainly.”

“No, it was exactly right. No matter how hard things get, we have to find some tiny space for happiness. We have to light a lamp.”

Tina leaned against the rail, holding on to the bar. “Well, that’s the only way it worked for me. The one time I let it all get snuffed, I wound up in the hospital with Frankenstein arms.”

“That woman is in love with Gavin.”

“I saw that.”

“So clearly whatever’s been going on has been going on for a long time.”

The doors opened again, and Tina led us out into the hall. “Let me tell you what I saw. A woman in a very dire situation, desperately hoping that she can be saved. Maybe she loves him. Maybe it’s just that he’s the only thing in her life that gives her hope.”

This stopped me cold. “So Gavin is her light.”

I could tell Tina hadn’t intended that conclusion. Her tiny pale eyebrows shot up her forehead. “No, no. The boy is that. She just has to find a way to keep him. Gavin is her way.”

“What if it’s his?”

“Then she’ll get help.”

I kept walking. Tina opened her classroom, and I breathed in the lingering scent of clay, paint, and cleaners. I had gotten so accustomed to the antiseptic medicinal smell of my room that only when I went somewhere else did I remember that the rest of the world was still out there with its variety of sights, sounds, and smells.

I sat in a small chair, bracing my elbows on the table. I felt fine, actually, no cough, just the lingering heaviness in my chest and the pressure in my head. Nothing I couldn’t manage. I should probably go back to the room just to make sure I wasn’t being told to go home.

Maybe in a minute. I needed to figure this out.

“Tina, what was your worst moment? Rock bottom? I keep thinking that it was when Finn died, or when Gavin left, or when I got kicked out of school, but then these things keep happening. And I think there is still something worse. I don’t want things to keep getting worse.”

She unlocked a drawer and began pulling out boxes of markers. “Peanut dying actually wasn’t the worst. That was peaceful. And the hospital after I cut my wrists was bad, but the crap was all spread out then. No one part stood out. I had some bad times going back to the high school.” She held the boxes against her chest. “I got called ‘Baby Killer’ because no one knew what had happened.”

“Oh my God, Tina!”

She spread the boxes across the surface of the table. “Not a fab time of my life, for sure.” She sat in the chair opposite me. “I guess if I had to pick a moment, it was when I got home from the hospital, after they stitched me up, and I realized I had no one. My boyfriend had ditched me. My parents were totally freaked and couldn’t even look at me. I’d had to leave the school for pregnant teens since, you know, my baby was dead.”

She drew lazy circles across the table with her fingers. “So yeah, it was walking into my place and realizing I was completely on my own.”

“I’ve had that moment,” I said. “Twice.” My head felt heavy and I rested it in my palm. “After the funeral, when I realized Gavin was gone. Then when I had to pack up my dorm room and get in my car with no idea where I’d settle down again. When I got to San Diego, I didn’t even have a reservation at a hotel.”

“Starting over is hard. But it’s sort of freeing too, isn’t it? No ties. No history. You can be whoever you want to be.”

“But you’re still the same old you, underneath.”

“True.” Tina reached to one end of the table for a stack of construction-paper packages. She dragged the top one in front of her and tore open the plastic wrap. “I never could manage to get away from myself.”

“Whatever happened to that boy, the baby’s father?”

“Beats me. He got some other girlfriend before I had the bandages off.”

“So you didn’t feel any connection to him?”

Tina laid out pieces of paper in front of each chair. “Sure. I actually tried to get him back. Didn’t realize he was poking some other hole.”

“And now?”

“None. It’s like Peanut was an immaculate conception. Mine and only mine.”

“Maybe that would be easier.”

“Maybe. It’s hard to let go of that feeling that you were the only two who ever really knew the baby. I guess when it comes right down to it, maybe only the mother really gets it. We carried them all that time, after all.”

I idly turned the page in front of me in circles. “Gavin was connected. He was always very into the pregnancy, and feeling Finn kick, and decorating the room. I took it for granted.”

“You were lucky then.”

“Really? Because when he left, it all felt like a lie.”

“I think the people who feel the most also blow the hardest.”

“Well, he feels something toward that boy.”

Tina reached across the table to still my paper. “Let’s see how tomorrow goes. If he’s not the father, I really think Rosa is going to disappear completely, looking for another way out.”

I hoped she was right.

The door swung open, startling us both. A head popped in, dark haired, immaculate, and masculine in a way you normally see on a movie screen. “Oh, sorry, I was looking for—” he consulted a piece of paper. “Tina? The art teacher?”

Tina stood up. “That’s me.”

The rest of him came through the door, traditional in a white coat, striding in with a confident air. He definitely noticed Tina. She stood a little on the defiant side, arms crossed, pigtails straight out on either side of her head. She couldn’t have been more different from him in striped stockings, a little knit skirt, and a knotted-up sweater adorned with splatters of paint.

He paused a moment, taking her in, and the spark that flew out of him couldn’t have been more obvious if it had lit up the room. Tina saw it, one eyebrow going up, her mouth quirked in amusement. She was going to chew him up and spit him out.

“I – uh, well, hello.” He extended a hand. I had a feeling he wasn’t often at a loss for words. “I’m Dr. Marks – uh, Darion. Call me Darion.”

“Okay, Dr. Darion. Nice to meet you.” Tina shook his hand exceedingly briefly, dropping it like it was foul. “Can I help you with something?”

This seemed to snap him out of his confusion. “Yes, I have a patient, a girl, Cynthia.” He passed a paper to her. “She’ll be coming in to see you. She’s, well, maybe we should talk about her.” He glanced at me. “When you have a chance.”

I stood up. “Don’t mind me. Just was getting my own friendly therapy chat.”

“No, no, I have rounds. I’ll stop by later.” Darion moved to the door. “You’ll see her at the end of the day. Review the notes. Then we can talk.” He paused, as if sensing he was not extending all the courtesy he should. “What time is convenient for you?”

Tina glanced at the page. “She’s coming in at four, so maybe three-thirty?”

Darion nodded. “Yes. Great. I’ll come by again then.” He seemed to have an inspiration. “Unless you’d like to go down for some coffee.”

“I don’t drink coffee,” Tina said. “And you probably shouldn’t either.” She leaned forward conspiratorially. “My doctor said it’s bad for me.”

“Yes, of course.” He straightened his tie. “Here, then. Three-thirty.”

“Sharp,” Tina said. “My time is valuable.”

I hid a smile behind my hand. Tina was a real piece of work.

Darion nodded again. “Yes. Will do. Thank you.” He opened the door and disappeared.

When it was closed, I burst out, “Tina! Did that hot doctor just ask you to coffee?”

She shrugged. “Doctors. Lawyers. Musicians. Day workers. People are people.”

“You’re not interested?”

She folded up the note he’d given her and stuck it in her skirt pocket. “I might do him. Once. Twice if he is worth it.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s about as far as it goes with me.”

“Since the baby.” I got that. I hadn’t dated either until Gavin returned.

“Since forever. I was screwed up before, and I’m more screwed up now.” She picked up the stacks of paper and moved them to the counter. “Some therapist, eh? Or ‘art teacher,’ I guess.”

“He insulted you.”

“He called it like he saw it. I’m not exactly more than a glorified babysitter.”

“You seriously think so? I saw you with Albert. You were brilliant.”

“So I have a few moments. I’m not going to interest Dr. Darion any longer than anyone else.” She came around the table. “Anyway, time to get you back. You ready? Gavin’s probably already tearing the hospital apart looking for you.”

“You don’t have to take me up.”

Tina came up and threaded her arm through mine. “Of course I do. Because if Gavin isn’t behaving, I’m the only one scrappy enough to actually make a dent in that pretty face.”

We headed back down the halls, past the cheerful paintings and rooms full of critically ill children, and once again I remembered that we all had our difficulties, our challenges, our heartaches, and our tragedies. The most important thing was letting people in, allowing others to be there for you, and no matter how dark things got, to harbor that one last light.