Текст книги "Beloved"

Автор книги: Corinne Michaels

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Текущая страница: 3 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

Chapter Four

I step out of Raven’s building into the warm air, but a chill settles over me. I can’t believe what happened in the meeting. Of all the possible scenarios I was prepared for, Neil being the other publicist and Piper being a consultant was not one of them. I heard she’d been busy with her firm, but her attempt at surprise when she saw me was complete bullshit.

Then to have my research stolen by Neil? I’m at a loss on what to do. All I know is there’s no way I’ll allow him to get away with this. I’ve never been aggressive with him—I was always the perfect girlfriend, quiet and supportive. Good thing I’m not his girlfriend anymore. I deserve an explanation for this, among many other things.

I stand off to the side of the main entrance, waiting for Neil to exit. I hear him before I see him. He’s talking on his phone as he walks out, so I stand and wait. With each passing second my anger grows more and more. Who does that to someone? It’s so unethical. So … fucked-up. I’m about to lose it. He continues talking to whoever’s on the other line while I stare incredulously at this man I loved with every fiber of my being. The man with warm brown eyes, a smile that could light up a room, and soft sandy brown hair, which I used to run my hands through to put him to sleep. That was then. Right now all I see is a liar and a thief. I’m ready to get this confrontation over with. I walk over, grab his phone out of his hand, and end his call.

“What the—” Neil starts to say, whipping his head up. When he realizes it’s me, his mouth quirks into a self-satisfied grin.

That’s all I need to release the fury I was barely holding on to.

“How dare you? You son of a bitch!”

“Now Cat, you need to calm down. I’m not sure why you’re so upset.” A red haze begins to take over my vision.

“Not sure? Are you stupid? Oh wait! I already know the answer to that, you prick!” The scales deciding whether or not to inflict bodily harm are tipping decidedly toward inflicting. If I were on a seesaw, I’d be on the downside, heading to hell.

He looks at me as though I’m insane. I’m sure I appear to be to anyone passing us on the streets of New York City.

He raises one eyebrow and smirks. “You should really be more careful. I hear it’s very easy to forget things when you’re not paying attention. Like the funny way passwords save when you login on someone else’s computer.”

“Wow! You have some balls. You hack into my email, steal and use my presentation, and this is what you say to me? No ‘I’m sorry?’” I’m trying to control myself, but each time he speaks the fight is leaving me.

“Well, love, it’s not hacking if I have a password. Plus, we were going to share a life together. I didn’t think you’d mind sharing a few statistics for old times’ sake,” he replies smugly.

That’s it. I raise my hand, rear it back, and slap him across the face, enjoying the bite as it connects. The sound reverberates, causing a few people to stop and stare. My palm stings, but it reminds me that this is real. I’ve hit him. Finally. I’ve done what I wanted to for far too long and it feels damn good. Considering I had to sit through a two-hour meeting next to his self-righteous, project-stealing ass, I’ve earned the right to do a lot worse.

The shock blankets his face before he recovers, rubbing his now reddened skin. “Well that wasn’t very nice.”

I continue forward, pure hatred flowing through my body—it’s red, ugly, and can no longer be controlled. He’s quick, though, and anticipates my next move. His arms wrap around my shoulders, pulling me against him. Using whatever strength I have, I punch him in the chest over and over again. I know I’m not causing any damage, but I can’t stop. Each blow is a release of the pain he’s inflicted on my life. The cheating, stealing, lying, and the way he makes me feel worthless expels with each fist I land.

“I hate you! Don’t touch me! You asshole!” I scream and continue my assault. Neil grabs my arms, pinning them to my sides so that I can’t hit him any more. I’m flush against his body. My brain ceases to make rational decisions as I sink into him. Memories of being in his arms surround me. I remember the strength and love they once held for me, the way they used to hold me for hours after making love, how he would wrap them around me from behind when I would do dishes. Why am I leaning into him? I close my eyes, pretending I’m his fiancé again and that the last three months were just a misunderstanding, a bad dream. As angry as I was a few minutes ago, it’s gone now, morphed into pain and sadness. I wanted him to love me. I needed him. He promised to cherish me. I inhale, taking in the scent that’s all Neil—cinnamon and coffee. Losing myself in the past, a tear falls from my lashes and slowly glides down my cheek to rest upon my lip.

I turn my head into his chest as his grip tightens around my arm. “You don’t hate me. You’re just pissed because you want me back.”

The words force me to remember he’s not the man I loved—this is the man who destroyed my world. He took from me and made no apologies for hurting anyone. This person has allowed me to spend my time wondering what I did wrong and why I wasn’t worthy while he moved on with Piper. He’s not a man—he’s a coward.

Gathering the hate and anger I previously held, I shove back against him. “No, Neil, that’s where you’re wrong. I want to be around when karma finds you so I can sit back and watch with a big bowl of popcorn.”

“You should save your energy, love. You’ll need it if you think you’re going to get this account,” he scoffs.

I lean in close and whisper, “Let’s be crystal clear, you cheating bastard. You fuck with me again, I’ll ruin you, love.” I kiss his cheek and lift my knee straight into his balls. With him hunched over and clutching his junk, I turn and walk away before he can reply.

I start walking as adrenaline floods my system. Oh my God, I physically assaulted him. While I’m relieved that I stood up for myself, I can’t believe I actually slapped him, punched him, and then kneed him where it hurts. I’ve never in my entire life hit someone, and I’m not sure how to handle the high I’m on right now. I need Ashton and I need a drink.

I walk another few blocks, letting my pulse return to normal, before I hail a cab. Once my hands are steady, I grab my phone and text Ashton.

Me: I swear you’re never gonna believe this shit!

Ashton: You got the account???

How I wish that were the case. It would at least make this day worth it.

Me: No decision yet. Will you be home tonight?

Ashton: Be there by 6 xoxo

I call Taylor and let her know I’m going home instead of heading back to the office. I can do a few things remotely anyway. She almost goes postal when she hears Piper was in the meeting. I relay the turn of events to a stunned Taylor—everything from Neil stealing my presentation to our showdown outside the building. There are times in your life you wish there were a reset button—this is one of those times. My anxiety is starting to rise again. What if Piper’s involved with the entire project? There’s no way I could deal with her day in and day out, pretending she doesn’t bother me. I head to the station, anxious to get home and glean some wisdom from Ash. She always knows how to talk me down.

With perfect timing, I catch the train back to Hoboken—luckily, there was one leaving in five minutes. I have a three-seat row all to myself, which almost never happens. I’m usually crammed in a middle seat, trying to avoid people touching me. However, this ride I’m going to stretch out and enjoy the peace.

The conductor’s voice comes overhead, informing us the train will be delayed. Fine by me. I close my eyes and sink into the seat. I’m spent from the meeting and my confrontation with Neil. He deserved to be dealt with, even if it did cost me the account and my possible promotion. Whichever way the account goes, this day has been overwhelming. I’m going to use this time to relax, not think, and clear my mind of all the drama I just endured.

“Hello.” I hear a familiar voice and open my eyes. Scanning the train car, I see him. Jackson. He’s one row back, and he’s staring right at me with a dimpled grin.

This day keeps getting better and better.

“I’ll call you back,” he says into his phone. He ends the call and stands, smiling over at me. “I thought that was you.” The timbre of his voice travels straight to my core.

God, he’s even more handsome than I remember. The sight of him dressed in dark blue jeans and a tight olive green T-shirt, which makes his eyes more green than blue today, causes my heart to flutter in my chest. He reaches up and grabs his bag from the rack above his head. As he moves, his shirt lifts so I can see his ripped abs.

Wow.

“Mind if I join you?” he asks, snapping me out of my dreaming.

“Ummm, sure. I have room.” I scoot over to the window, looking down and allowing my hair to create a veil. If I can control my blushing, I’ll be shocked. Hiding my emotions has never been something I’ve excelled at outside of work. Hard as I try, people usually see right through me. The last three months have given me some practice, but here I sit, red-faced and wide-eyed because of him.

“Thanks. I’m Jackson, in case you forgot.” Jackson’s hand extends, his eyes soft and warm as he waits to shake my hand.

“Catherine. I remember you, though,” I say, placing my tiny hand in his.

My arm feels like it’s been shocked—the current running from his body to mine feels as if I’ve grabbed a live electrical wire. I gasp and pull my hand from his. The sensation was so strong and intense that my fingers are tingling.

I look to Jackson, who is opening and closing his hand. I wonder if he felt it too.

“So you do have a name. I like it. Nice to meet you again, Catherine.”

“Yes, what are the odds?” I seem to be on some kind of eternal karmic payback plan. Why not? Keep piling more on top of my already ridiculous day. At least if it all comes on at once, I can get a reprieve … eventually.

Jackson clears his throat, which draws my attention to his beautiful face. “Fall into any more handsome strangers’ laps since I last saw you?” His grin is playful. It seems to melt any irritation I’d begun to feel over my luck.

“Who said you’re handsome?”

“Lots of people. What do you think?” Jackson asks and I burst out laughing.

“I think you’re … ” I look around, trying to appear allusive before responding, “Funny.” There. He can take that however he wants.

“You know, I’m more than just handsome and funny.”

“I bet you are, but I never said handsome.” I smile and shake my head.

Jackson shifts in his seat. “Yes, but you haven’t said I’m not.” His brow rises. “Well? Any more casualties?”

“Anyone ever tell you you’re a pain in the ass?”

He shrugs and leans closer to me. “I’ve been called worse.” His voice drops to a low rasp. “I didn’t mind having your ass on me. It’s not every day I get to save a beautiful woman.”

“I wasn’t talking about my ass. I was saying you are an ass.”

He’s an expert at twisting my words. Typically, I can banter better than most people. Sarcasm is my first language. I’m either off my game today or Jackson’s thrown me—I’m not sure which.

Jackson smirks and his gravelly voice stirs the butterflies in my stomach. “I think you’re afraid of how handsome I am.”

“I think we can add frustrating to the list of your attributes.”

Jackson clears his throat. “So where’s your ring?”

“Oh, ummm, I left it home.”

The train starts moving. I only have about ten more minutes with him before we arrive at my station. I’m hoping there will be another delay so I can talk to him longer, or stare—either works for me.

“So what’s his name?” I scrunch my brows, confused by his question. “Your fiancé?”

“I should’ve said I left it home because he’s not my fiancé anymore,” I reply.

“Sorry to hear that, but I’m sure he’s much more sorry than I am.” Jackson grins, showing me that adorable dimple of his. For the first time, I get a strong whiff of his cologne. Why didn’t I notice it before? Now that I have, the thought crosses my mind that I could inhale it all day and be perfectly happy.

“Thanks. I’m not so sure he’s sorry at all, but I appreciate you saying that.” I smile.

His face changes and his now serious gaze locks on mine. It’s intense, so much so that I can’t look anywhere but into his captivating eyes. “I can assure you, Catherine, if he’s not sorry yet, he will be someday. Any man would be an idiot to let someone as gorgeous as you go,” he says, and his eyes dart to my lips.

“Jackson,” I say in a breathy whisper, unsure of whether or not I can say anything more than his name. My mind is scattered, invaded by thoughts of his lips touching mine, the feel of his mouth on mine, and all the ways I want to explore him. No one has ever confused me like this. I don’t know anything about him, but I crave his touch, his words, his presence. Something about him stirs feelings deep within me. Maybe it’s not something at all. Maybe it’s just him.

I turn to say more, but the train stops. Shit!

“I have to go. This is my stop.” I fail to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

I step past him into the aisle. As I’m about to walk away, he grabs my hand and places a kiss against my knuckles. “Until next time.”

Though I only have a minute before the train leaves again, I have to say something. I go with the only reply I’m capable of. “Good-bye, Jackson.”

I exit the train feeling off balance. Between Neil’s antics and seeing Jackson unexpectedly, I need to talk to Ashton more than ever. I feel like I’m one of those Stretch Armstrong dolls being pulled so taut I’m about to snap. I’m digging through my bag, looking for my keys, when someone grabs my shoulder, startling me.

I gasp and turn only to be gazing back into Jackson’s eyes.

“Hey.” He smiles and drops his hand.

“Hi,” I reply, bemused.

“Sorry, I realized you dropped your keys. Didn’t want you to have another disaster.” Jackson smiles warmly.

“How noble of you to save me again,” I say, moving through the parking lot toward my car.

“I guess this is our thing.”

“Oh, we have a thing, do we?” I ask with a smile.

“Are you asking about my thing?”

I gasp, immediately feeling my face flame red. “What? No! I never said anything about your thing.”

He laughs out loud, full-on belly laughing at me. After he recovers, his voice drops as he says, “So you do want to see my thing.” He winks and leans in close to me. So close I can smell the mint on his breath. “I wouldn’t mind.”

I take another step toward my car, flustered by him and my incapability to handle him. “Again I revisit the list—definitely a pain in the ass.”

“You just have to ask.”

My pulse is so loud I’m sure he can hear it. “I guess it’s a good thing I’m not asking,” I manage to reply. I wonder if I sound as frazzled as I feel.

Jackson takes a step closer to me, stalking me like I’m his prey, and I counter with another step back. Once my back hits the car door … that’s it. He has me pinned and we both know it. He raises his arms, placing them on the frame and caging me in.

His lips brush against my ear when he whispers, “Oh, but your body says otherwise.” His body closes in on mine and the last remaining space between us disappears. Heat floods my core, my face, my body—my lids flutter closed and I take a shaky breath. “Open your eyes, Catherine.”

I submit to his command, watching how his pupils dilate as his eyes seem to go from solid to liquid. Colors blend together in a sea of blue and green lust. He leans forward, removing one of his arms from the car and placing it on my arm. Slowly his fingers trail my bare skin. The current flowing between us is even more powerful than before. While my common sense dies a slow death, every other part of me is alive under his touch. My body and mind are at war with each other, both trying to gain the upper hand—right now my body is winning.

He licks his lips slowly, torturously, until I’m unable to take another second of this suffering. I snap, grabbing his shirt and yanking him toward me. My lips meet his with a passion that borders on hostile. He pushes us backward, pressing me against the car. The cold metal bites through my shirt, but I don’t care. I can barely feel it. His tongue licks the seam of my lips, and when I grant him access, he plunges it in. With every swipe of his tongue against mine, he’s igniting the lust I was smothering.

I’m losing myself in his incredibly skilled mouth, feeling lighter, as though I’m floating away. The only thing tying me to this earth is Jackson. He’s taken over every part of me. All that exists are his hands and his lips and him, but I want more. I kiss him deeper and harder as he moans against me. Releasing his shirt, I run my hands down across his chest and then lower over his abs, taking in every dent and ridge. His arms pull me tighter, securing me against the front of him. I gasp at his excitement pressed against my stomach, and his mouth moves to my ear.

“Next stop Hoboken Station.”

“What?” I ask breathlessly as his nips at my earlobe.

“Now arriving at Hoboken Station.”

My eyes flutter open, expecting to see Jackson’s sexy face, but … no. I’m on the train.

Holy shit! I was dreaming. It was so real. My palms are sweating and my pulse is racing, and if I’m being honest, I’m panting a little. But none of it happened. Oh, how I wish it had.

I gather my belongings, grab my keys out of my purse, and head out to my car. That drink is looking better and better.

Chapter Five

The drive back to my apartment is short thanks to the lack of traffic at this time of day. It’s odd being home so early. I have about an hour until Ashton is due home, which gives me enough time to change and check my emails. Throwing my hair into a messy bun, I opt for my leggings, a gray tunic, and my mint-green lace leg warmers—cute and sassy, as Ashton would say. I can’t wait to unload all the stuff going on in my messed-up brain—nothing seems to make sense.

I step out into the living room and stop dead in my tracks. This place is a mess! Papers are everywhere, mail’s lying around, dirty dishes sit on the table, and clothes are strewn over the back of the couch. Between both our schedules, the house is rarely spotless, but we’ve never let things get this bad. I decide to skip the emails and pick up a little. We pay way too much money for this place to allow it be this out of control. Ashton and I looked for an apartment in Manhattan. We had always wanted to be like the girls on television, but once we saw the going rate for apartments and sublets we opted for New Jersey. Our high-rise is on the river, overlooking the city, so our rent is high, but it’s worth it. We both make a good salary, so we decided to live comfortably and have an apartment with security.

Me: Hey. Gonna start dinner.

Ashton: K. I’ll be leaving the city soon.

I look through the kitchen and realize we’re out of pretty much anything edible. I can either head to the store or order in. The sensible choice would be to go to the store, but after the day I’ve had, I decide to say screw it.

There’s a knock at the door. Weird. The doorman usually calls if we have visitors.

“Open up, Cat,” a bubbly voice says. Gretchen.

With a huge grin, I throw the door open.

“What are you doing on this side of the river?” I ask.

“I had a case here in Jersey, so I figured I’d see if my two crazy-ass friends were around. And lucky me, I get you!” She grins as she walks through the apartment.

“At least it’s lucky for one of us,” I snort.

“Honestly, I didn’t think you’d be here. What gives?” she says, assessing my outfit and facial expressions.

“I had my meeting today for that prospective new client. I finished early. Figured I’d work from home.” I shrug, attempting nonchalance.

Gretchen glares, giving me her lawyer look. The one that sees through you as she weighs each word you say and interprets your tone. She does that and then she chews you up. I should’ve remembered who I’m dealing with. Even fielding questions from crazy reporters hasn’t properly prepared me for her.

“So why do you look like shit? Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on, Cat? Considering I don’t believe you for a second.” Her voice is stern but sympathetic. She knows the nightmare I went through. I knew it would only be a matter of time until she started pushing me to talk.

We head into the kitchen and sit at the table. I look down, trying to find a way to put into words what’s jumbled in my head, as my fingers trace the grain of the wood. “I’m a mess, Gretch. It’s been three months since Neil cheated on me, and sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday. Sometimes it hurts so much it’s hard to breathe, but I have to pretend I’m great.

“Then today I had to present against him at the client meeting I told you about. Not only was Piper there …” I trail off, looking up to see her reaction.

“What? Oh wow,” she says, stunned, before recovering. “You’ve had quite a day, babe.”

“You could say that. And then I find out he stole my presentation.” My head falls to my hands and I release the flood of emotions I’ve been restraining. “This is the man I was supposed to marry?” I drop my hands, letting out a ragged breath. My voice trembles when I ask, “How can I still love him, Gretch?”

“Do you really love him?”

“Yes … No … I don’t know. I’m so stupid! I don’t understand how he could have loved me and then done such messed-up things. I thought I knew him. I trusted him, gave my heart to him—only to have it ripped out of my chest. Why did I let him do this to me?” The tears I’ve been fighting threaten to spill over.

“I feel like something changed about a year ago. At least that’s when I noticed it. He got distant and moody and started skipping out on things.”

“I remember. I noticed too. When I questioned him about it, he proposed. I figured he was nervous about taking such a big leap.”

“You never really know someone. But the more you sit here and question yourself, the more you’ll drive yourself bat-shit crazy. Trust me. My mother used to say this to me and I think you should hear it: love is a verb—it’s an action. Can you tell me what he did to show you he loved you? Anyone can say the words, but they need to prove it. His choices are his choices and now you have to make yours.” Gretchen grabs my hand and holds it tight.

In the beginning he did show me. He cared and did things to make sure I felt special. It was the little things that meant the most—the handholding, the stolen moments between us, an unexpected note or text—but slowly that all changed.

“I know I’m not to blame for his choices, but his choices affected the rest of my life,” I reply, my voice filled with bitterness and hurt.

“That’s where you’re wrong, hun. What he did affects today—but you decide if it affects tomorrow. The only power he has is the power you give him. You know how brave and strong I think you are. Not many people could handle what you saw and dealt with. Sure, you cried, but you still went to work, kicked ass, and found a way to smile.”

It’s liberating finally letting it all out. With Ashton I always guard a small part of myself—the vulnerable side. Sure, we share everything, for the most part, but she’s so much stronger than me. Gretchen would let me sulk and mope forever, but Ashton doesn’t play that game.

“Oh, if you would have seen me, I don’t think you’d be saying that.” I laugh and squeeze her hand.

Gretchen smiles with warmth and love. “I did see you. I saw the mess you were, but I saw the strength behind it too. Look at you now. You had a fucked-up day, but you’re not sitting here sobbing. You’re surviving, and you’re up for yet another promotion. Of course there are going to be bad days, but you dictate how many. I don’t want to mother you, but anytime you want to talk, you know I’m here.”

My phone rings, interrupting our heart-to-heart. Taylor’s name flashes across the screen, which is odd because we usually text or email. She never calls, not unless it’s an emergency.

“I gotta grab this.”

“No worries. I have to get going anyway. I love you! Remember what I said, though.” She stands, giving me a kiss on the cheek before heading to the door. I smile at how great our impromptu visit was, waving as the door closes behind her and the phone rings again.

“Hi, Tay.”

“Sorry to bother you, but I thought you’d want to know immediately,” she replies excitedly.

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“Raven Cosmetics called. They’d like to speak with you first thing tomorrow morning. They asked if you’d be available for an 8 a.m. phone conference with the CEO. I said absolutely. I hope that’s okay,” she says nervously.

“Yes, of course. I hope this is a good thing.”

“I’m sure it is. I’ll confirm the meeting and email you the details.”

“Thanks. I’ll work from home in the morning and be in the office around eleven,” I tell her.

“See you then. Let me know if you need anything before you come in.”

“I will. Have a great night.”

I hang up the phone, surprised that we’re having a conference call instead of another meeting. I don’t know what that means, but I need to stay positive. I did the best I could, and all in all I feel good about how I presented. Even with Piper being in my face and unwanted thoughts of her and Neil resurfacing every time I looked at them, I kept it together.

There’s a part of me that still doesn’t understand how it all happened. What could possibly have brought them together? Sure, she has beautiful blond hair and bright blue eyes, but I never thought Neil saw her as more than a friend. I never imagined she’d be the demise of our relationship.

I hear my phone chirp and look down, hoping it’s Ash letting me know she’s close.

Ashton: Hey. I got tied up at work.

Me: It’s fine.

Ashton: I think I’m staying in the city tonight. You ok?

Me: I’ll be fine.

Of course she’s not going to come home the one time I need her to. Is anything going to go my way today? I needed my ex-fiancé to act like an adult, I needed him to leave me alone and not make an attempt to further obliterate me, and I needed my best friend to help me cope when said ex asshole ignored my needs completely and behaved like a selfish bastard. My phone starts ringing and I see Ashton’s face pop up on my screen.

I smile to myself, swiping to answer. “I’m okay, Ash.”

She giggles. “Liar. I can tell by your text message that you’re not. What happened today?”

“Well, let’s see. First, Piper consults for Raven Cosmetics, so she was in the meeting.”

“What?” she shouts. “Did you punch her in the throat? Or bitch-slap her? I wish I could’ve seen that.”

“Yeah, Ashton, that’s what I did in a client meeting. No, I didn’t, although I wanted to.” I take a deep breath and quickly tell her the story of my afternoon with all the sordid details and drama.

“What did you do to piss God off? I’ve never met anyone who has such shitty luck.” Ash laughs. “No matter what happens, this will work out. If not, we’ll get drunk and make fun of people.”

“I still don’t know why the hell I keep you around. I gotta go. I have an early phone meeting with the Raven people and I need to be prepared.”

“Okay. I probably won’t make it home. The new doctor is up my ass about the clinical trials he’s running. I need to be in the lab in case something happens. I’m sorry I can’t be home for you today, but please promise me you won’t eat a pint of ice cream. Just break out the old rabbit and—”

“And that’s where we hang up. Thanks for the advice. I love you.”

“Love you too. Seriously, an orgasm will

totally—”

I disconnect before she can finish, laughing at her ability to change my mood. There are no words for that girl. She really is my twisted sister. I decide it’s time to throw myself into work.

As I sit at the table, I replay the day’s events. If I were an outsider, they’d be hilarious. Since I’m the one involved, however, they’re not. I have two choices: either I do my best and win the only way I can, or I lie down and let Neil win. Right now, I’m more eager than ever to nail this phone interview and win this job. I go straight to my desk, change my email password, along with the passwords for any other account I may have logged in to from his computer, and get to work on my Raven project.

When I finally look at the clock, two hours have passed and I’ve accomplished a lot. I crunched numbers with an intensity I haven’t felt in a long time. I’m ready for tomorrow.

As I step into my room, all the confidence I built up working over the past few hours vanishes. I look around, feeling uncomfortable and ashamed. It looks like a disaster zone in here. This isn’t me. I’ve always been neat and organized, ready to tackle the world. But the person living here is anything but that. My side table is covered in dirty dishes, piles of clothes are scattered everywhere, the trashcan is overflowing with tissues, and empty ice cream containers and candy wrappers litter the floor. Is this what I’ve become?

Feeling determined to pull myself together and start rebuilding my life, I begin cleaning up my room, finding my strength through cleanliness and organization. Sometimes putting things in their rightful place is therapeutic. Right now, it’s giving me some small measure of control. The hurt and pain are still there, but I need to put this behind me. I need to move on.

Today has reminded me that the life I thought I had and the man I thought I loved aren’t things I should want anymore. The future I dream of doesn’t look like this. It’s full of devotion and happiness, not sadness and betrayal. I deserve more. Silently, I promise myself to guard my heart from now on. Love is a gift, and I will not give it freely to anyone.

Just as I’m thinking this, I accidentally knock over a frame, which crashes to the ground. Though the glass doesn’t shatter, when I pick it up I see a huge crack down the center between Neil’s face and mine. Broken—like we are. It’s the photo from our first anniversary. I’m clinging to his back and he’s looking adoringly at me with a huge smile on his face. We were so happy and in love. It shone through our eyes as we laughed at whatever joke we shared. We were always playful and silly in the beginning—he brought that out in me. But at some point it stopped. We went from happy to comfortable, and then he made his choices.