Текст книги "Reclaim Me"

Автор книги: Ann Marie Walker

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

“What are you doing out here?” she asked, tugging on a parka she’d grabbed off one of the hooks by the door.

“Enjoying the view.” Hudson turned, and at the sight of her all the tension left his frame. “Although I admit it’s improved significantly now.” He pulled her in front of him and wrapped his arms around her from behind. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“You seemed upset before I came out here. Were you worrying about Julian?”

“Your safety is never far from my mind, Alessandra. But no, that wasn’t what I was thinking about.”

“What, then?”

He nuzzled her hair. “Are you happy?” His voice was hoarse against her ear.

Allie turned her head, pressing a kiss to his jaw. “Very. Despite everything that has happened over the past two months, I’ve never been happier than I am when I’m with you.” She placed her hand on his cheek, urging him to look at her. “I love you, Hudson.”

His gaze was soft on her face. “I love you too, Allie.”

She let out a contented sigh as she leaned back against his chest. The sun had long since set but the moon glittered across the half-frozen lake. “And I love being here with you. It makes me feel like no matter what waits for us back home, it will all work out because we have this, we have us.”

“There’s something I need to . . .” His voice trailed off and his arms released their hold on her. Allie felt the warmth of his body leave her as he stepped back.

“Hudson?” When his eyes met hers his gaze was distant, almost lost, and the blood had drained from his handsome face. Panic gripped her, tightening her throat as she choked out the words. “What is it, what’s wrong?”

“I was going to wait until later, but . . .” Hudson swallowed hard before dropping to one knee. “Alessandra Sinclair, I love you. And I want to love, honor, and cherish you for the rest of our lives.” From the pocket of his jeans he pulled out a small, red leather box. He flipped it open to reveal a stunning diamond solitaire. This time when his eyes met hers, they were filled with a mix of adoration and nervous anticipation. “Marry me?”

Chapter Sixteen

Hudson gazed up at Allie, who had a look of complete shock on her face. As he knelt in front of her, the reality of the situation sunk in and anxiety hit him hard. She wasn’t saying a word. Silence . . . more silence.

“I’m on my knees here. Say something. Tell me no, or to go to hell, but I’d rather a yes.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Not the reaction I was hoping for.” Hudson stood up.

“It’s not that . . . yes, I love you . . . but it’s just . . . I mean, you hardly know me . . . and we’ve barely been together six weeks . . . and technically we’re not even together right now and . . .”

“To the outside world we’re not, but we’re together in the only place that matters—in our hearts. That’s one thing after all these years that’s never changed. I lost you twice before and I’m a man who learns from his mistakes. Hell if I’m going to lose you again. And despite the litany of reasons you just provided for why we shouldn’t marry, I’m fairly sure I heard a ‘yes’ somewhere in the middle. So let me do this again.”

Allie laughed despite the tears that filled her eyes. “You want a do-over, Mr. Chase?”

“I believe our entire relationship is a do-over, Miss Sinclair.” Hudson took a step back and dropped to one knee. He cleared his throat as he held out the red leather box again. “Alessandra Sinclair—my love, my life—will you marry me?”

“Yes, yes, I will marry you.” When he stood up, Allie launched herself at him, hitting his chest so hard they took a couple steps back. His hands shot up to cup the sides of her face. He brushed his mouth against hers before pressing a tender kiss to her lips.

“Say it again,” he whispered.

Tears spilled down Allie’s cheeks and a huge smile spread across her face. “Yes, I will marry you. Big wedding, small wedding, whatever you want.” She laughed. “But please don’t say the Drake.”

Hudson chuckled. “Hell no.” He ran a hand back through his hair. “I was actually thinking we could get married here.”

“At the lake?”

He nodded. “The weekend we spent here in October, the time we shared . . . something changed between us that last night. I suspect that’s the night you realized you loved me. Without a doubt it’s when I knew I loved you, and that I always had.” He took a deep breath. “I take risks on a daily basis, Allie, but I will never again take one that jeopardizes what we have. Nothing in the world is worth more than that. I’m just sorry I wasn’t man enough to admit it then.”

“Shh,” Allie pressed her fingers to his lips. “I think this would be the perfect place to get married.”

Hudson dropped a quick kiss to her mouth and grinned like a son of a bitch. “It’s settled then. We’ll marry at sunset tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Allie’s voice reached a pitch he was certain only mammals of the four-legged variety could hear.

“Yes,” he said emphatically.

“We’re in the middle of this huge mess with Julian.”

“All the more reason. Despite the uncertainty in our lives right now, there’s one thing I’m sure of, and it’s that I intend to spend the rest of my life with you. I see no reason to postpone that simply because Julian wants to maintain some fucked-up love triangle. Besides,” Hudson flashed a broad grin. “I’m a man of opportunity, and when I see one I take it. Tomorrow will be our wedding day. I want to say vows to each other; I want you to take my name, become Mrs. Hudson Chase.” Allie opened her mouth, but he kept talking. “I won’t argue with you if you choose to hyphenate, but—to our family, friends, colleagues—you’ll bear my name as my wife. I am madly in love with you, Allie, and I need to start the rest of our lives together immediately. I can’t wait.”

“I don’t want to wait either, but have you forgotten we’re not even dating at the moment?”

“How could I forget?” The muscles in Hudson’s jaw flexed.

“I know we don’t have much family between us, but I’d like to at least have Nick and Harper here.”

“So would I, but we can’t tell them.”

“Harper is going to be pissed. We sort of have this whole maid of honor pact going.”

“Nick will no doubt hang this over my head until I’m six feet under. Once this whole mess is resolved we can marry again in front of our friends and family, as many times as you want, anywhere you want. Whatever your heart desires, I’ll give it to you. We can announce our engagement in the newspapers, take publicity photos; hell, I’ll even argue with you over seating charts if that’s what you want. And you can invite all of Chicago, I don’t care. But tomorrow will be about us, for us. I want you to be my wife, and the only person I need in attendance is a minister. Everything else has been taken care of—flowers, dresses, hair, and makeup—whatever you need has been arranged.”

“That confident I’d say yes?”

He grinned. “That hopeful.”

“Wait, did you say dresses?”

“In the guest bedroom. I had a local shop send over several for you to choose from. Don’t worry,” he added quickly. “Even I know that the groom can’t see the dress. Though I look forward to seeing you out of it.” A sinful grin curved his lips. “Take a look at them after dinner. If none suit your taste, I’ll have more brought in tomorrow.”

A slight blush colored Allie’s cheeks. “I thought you knew my taste,” she teased.

“Oh, I do.” Hudson’s lips brushed her jaw. “Exquisite perfection. Sweet, and all mine.” Allie sank into him as he ran his open mouth down her throat. “But when the woman started to mention fabric choices and bodice cuts, I threw my hands up in surrender.”

She laughed as he found that sensitive spot beneath her ear. “Well, you men have it easy. The black tux or the black tux?”

He smiled against her skin. “You never know. I could have opted for the powder blue.”

Allie reared back and a frown creased her brow. Hudson reached up to smooth the velvety skin with the pad of his thumb. “I’m playing, Allie.”

“No, not that. What if . . . Well, it’s just that you and I, we’re always in formal attire for one event or another. But the weekend we spent here in yoga pants and jeans, it was one of the happiest times I’ve ever known. I want to start our lives off the exact same way.”

He cocked a brow. “Are you suggesting we marry in jeans?”

Allie nodded. “As much as I love you in a tuxedo, I love you like this even more.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather wear a fancy white dress? Don’t little girls dream about that sort of thing?”

“This girl has spent ten years dreaming about being with you again. And now I’m going to be your wife. The clothes we wear are irrelevant. I can wear a proper wedding dress when we do this again for our family and friends. But tomorrow, like you said, is just about us. And this is who we are.”

Hudson dipped his head and his tongue did a slow sweep along the curve of her lip before he sealed his mouth over hers in a kiss. His shoulders rolled as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tighter against him. As he poured everything he felt for her into this kiss, he thought about the woman Allie had become—forgiving, compassionate, beautiful, intelligent—and he was one lucky SOB that she loved a shell of a man like himself. Life was way too fucking short, and one lifetime with her wasn’t ever going to be enough. He would marry her every damn year to prove that he was done searching. She was it. Such a fucking sap he’d become. Like he gave a shit. Hudson broke the kiss and traced her now-reddened, swollen lips. “The rehearsal dinner is at seven with rehearsal for the honeymoon to follow.”

“Oh, no.”

“What?”

“Not until the wedding night.”

“You’re shitting me, right?”

A glint of amusement lit Allie’s hazel eyes, the gold flecks brightening over the asinine idea. “We may not be the most traditional couple, but I’m not having sex with you the night before our wedding.”

“That’s fine, you can just fuck me.”

“Hudson,” Allie admonished.

“Make love?”

“Seriously.”

“You expect me to sleep in the same bed with you and not touch you? Fuck, Allie, it’s been a week.”

“No. I’ll sleep in one of the guest rooms.”

“The guest rooms are wedding central at the moment.”

“Then I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Like hell you will.” Hudson exhaled a harsh breath. “You can have the master bedroom and I’ll take the couch. But for the record, this no-sex rule is horseshit.”

Allie fought a smile and failed miserably. She was mocking him, for Christ’s sake. “Sorry.”

“No, you’re not.” Hudson grinned. “But I’ll let you make it up to me.”

“Is that so?”

“Hmm. But for now, dinner with your fiancé.”

She giggled. “Short engagement.”

“Indeed.” They turned back toward the house and he gave her a quick smack on the ass. “Enjoy your last night as Miss Sinclair, baby.”

Chapter Seventeen

Allie’s eyes flew open and she froze. Her heart raced as she listened through the darkness, praying the sound that woke her had been merely in her head. But then she heard it again, a guttural moan of tormented pain.

“No . . . leave him alone . . . don’t take him.”

Hudson’s cries had her bolting out of bed. When she reached the top of the stairs she saw him on the couch, his fists clenching the sheet beneath him, his body twisting as if being pulled. At first she assumed the nightmare was about losing Nick, that he was reliving that horrible moment when his brother had been literally torn from his arms. But then he said something else. Something that stopped her in her tracks.

“His eyes are open . . . make him breathe . . . Dad!” The last word came on a primal scream that hit her like a physical blow.

“Hudson! Wake up.” But his eyes remained closed, his head thrashing and his legs kicking. She ran to him, dropping to her knees beside the couch and shaking him. Beneath her hand she could feel his heart pounding against his sweat-soaked T-shirt. “Hudson, wake up. Please.”

He bolted upright, his lungs heaving for air. The look in his eyes was wild and scared as his gaze darted frantically around the moonlit room before finally coming to rest on Allie. “What is it?” he gasped. “What’s wrong?”

“You were having another nightmare.”

Hudson let out a heavy exhale and rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

Allie sat down on the sofa beside him. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, already knowing full well the answer.

“No.”

“It might help.”

“I said I don’t want to discuss it.”

“You can’t keep boxing these things up, Hudson.”

“I’m fine,” he said. “Let’s just go back to sleep.”

“But you’re not sleeping.” Her voice grew quiet. “And I’m worried about you. How long has this been going on?”

“Most of my life.”

“How often?”

“It depends. They had stopped for a while.”

“When did they return?”

Hudson pinched the bridge of his nose. “Recently.”

“Since we flew back from Europe?

“Yes.” He ran a hand back through his sweat-slicked hair. “It’s my anxiety over your safety. Once this mess is resolved I’ll be fine.”

“Stop staying that.” She could see the nightmare clinging to him. He wasn’t fine, and he wouldn’t be, not until he dealt with his demons once and for all. “The situation with Julian may be what brought them back, but you said yourself, you’ve had these all your life.”

“And I’ve managed.” He made a move to stand, but Allie stopped him.

“I’ve only witnessed a handful of these,” she said. “But from what I’ve seen, they’re tearing you up inside. Please, talk to me. Tell me about your nightmares.”

“Trust me, you don’t want a front row seat for the fucked up show inside my head.”

“Then tell me about your past.” Allie knew whatever haunted Hudson stemmed from his youth. Perhaps if she could convince him to talk about those early days, she could get to the root of what plagued him. “I’m marrying you tomorrow, Hudson.” She reached for his hand. Turning it palm-up she traced the spot where there would soon be a wedding band. “We’re going to exchange rings and vow to be partners . . . in everything. For better or worse. Please, let me in.”

His eyes shifted from where her fingers traced his hand to her pleading gaze. “What do you want to know?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

“Tell me about your family. What was it like when you were young? From what little I know, it doesn’t sound like things were always bad.”

The tension in his shoulders eased ever so slightly. “Everything was perfect, actually. I mean, we didn’t have money to burn, but we were happy. And my parents were truly in love with each other. Hell, for my mother, the whole world revolved around my dad. I came earlier than planned and Nick, well, he was a surprise. But both of us always felt wanted.”

Allie knew very little about their father other than he’d been out of their lives since Hudson and Nick were very young. “What was your dad like?”

A small, wistful grin formed on Hudson’s lips. “He was the ultimate. Complete hands-on. He looked a lot like I do, but had a better sense of humor. And he could play just about any song on the guitar after hearing it one time.”

“He sounds great.”

Hudson nodded. “He worked hard to provide for us—nothing fancy, but life was good.”

“So what happened?”

His brow creased and his smile faded. “I fucked everything up, that’s what happened.” He was quiet, and for a moment she thought that was as much as he would say, but then he surprised her by continuing. “We were driving back from a camping trip. Extravagant vacations weren’t an option. We did road trips with the whole roughing it thing. It was late and we stopped so my dad could fill the tank up with enough gas to get us home, but I was starved and wanted some junk food from the store. My mother told me no, that she’d fix me and Nick PB&J’s on white when we got home.” He grimaced. “White fucking bread. Can’t stomach the stuff now. But the selfish bastard I am, that wasn’t good enough for me. I pitched a goddamn fit until my dad caved. He told me to pick something out for Nicky, too, but while I was debating the choices, a guy burst in waving a gun.”

Allie couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped her lips.

“He kept shouting for us to get down on the floor and not to make a fucking move or he’d cap a bullet in our skulls.” Hudson swallowed hard. “I was pants-pissing scared, but my dad was so fucking calm.”

“Were you the only two in the store?”

He shook his head. “There was a lady trying to buy a pack of smokes, from what I could see, and some old man jonesing for his Colt 45. The guy with the gun kept yelling at the cashier to pop open the register, but the poor kid was shaking like a leaf, dropping the money, change clattering all over the floor. I thought maybe he’d hit some sort of panic button or reach for a gun of his own, but he was just scared shitless like the rest of us. There was only about fifty bucks in the drawer, so the guy started barking at him to open the safe. The kid tried to reason with him—kept saying he didn’t know the combo, only the manager did—but the guy was out of his fucking mind.”

Allie held her breath. In that moment she would have done anything to rewrite history and change what she now realized would be the end of the story. But all she could do was listen as Hudson recounted the horrible details of that night.

“My dad was all calm and cool. Goddamn fucking hero tried to talk some sense into that piece of shit, even offered to give him the last of our cash just to get him the hell out of the store. But when my dad reached for his wallet, the guy swung his gun around and fired without even thinking.” Hudson’s entire body tensed. “The round nailed him in the chest and he hit the floor. I didn’t know what to do. He was struggling to breathe and there was blood everywhere, so I pressed my hands on the wound.” His voice cracked. “I couldn’t stop it. The blood kept oozing between my fingers.”

Allie’s throat tightened as the scene Hudson was describing played out in perfect clarity in her mind.

“The guy took one look at my dad and ran like hell. My mom and Nick had watched the whole scene from the parking lot. Someone must have kept Nicky back but my mom was right there in seconds, screaming and crying. The whole thing was total chaos but slow-mo at the same time. People shouting, sirens in the distance, and blood . . . so much fucking blood.” His grip tightened on her hand. “My father died before the paramedics arrived. I’ll never forget the moment his eyes lost focus and his hand let go of mine.”

Hot tears slid down Allie’s cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Hudson.”

“If I would have been content with a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my dad would still be alive. My mother would still be alive. Nick would have never spun out of control. Everything about our lives would have turned out differently. We could have been happy, but I fucked everything up.”

“You think everything that’s happened since then is somehow all your fault?”

He gazed at her incredulously. “The chain of events started that night.”

And there it was, the sobering guilt that Hudson carried on his shoulders. It was what drove his every action, what haunted him even in his sleep.

“You were just a kid. That’s what kids do, they harass their parents.”

“They’re dead because of me. Nick was taken away because of my actions. There isn’t an apology adequate for what I caused, nor any forgiveness for it.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Hudson.” Her voice was soft, but the unwavering conviction was clear. “Your mother obviously had problems that ran far deeper than this, but Nick certainly doesn’t blame you. In case you haven’t noticed, he thinks you hung the moon.” She gave him a small, reassuring smile. “And from what you’ve told me about your dad, I imagine the last thing he would want is for you to be putting yourself through this hell.” Allie rested her free hand on the back of Hudson’s neck, her fingers stroking through the damp hair at his nape. “You have to forgive yourself.”

He frowned. “Easier said than done.”

They were quiet for a few moments before Allie broke the silence. “Thank you.”

He met her gaze with questioning eyes. “For what?”

“For trusting me enough to let me in. I want to share everything with you, Hudson, the good and the bad. And I want to help you work through this, but I’m not a professional. Will you at least consider talking to someone about this?”

He let out a resigned sigh. “I’ll consider it. For you.”

Allie knew he needed to seek help for himself, not just because she wanted him to. But she also knew it had been a huge step for him to open up to her, and that considering therapy was an even bigger leap. For that she was profoundly grateful. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me.”

The look that flashed in his eyes told her he was back from the darkness. “Enough to drop this whole sex embargo?” he asked, cocking a lopsided grin.

“Not a chance.” She laughed, then her expression softened. “But I’d like to stay here with you for a bit if you don’t mind.”

Hudson smiled as he pulled her to lie next to him on the couch, her back to his front. “I thought I made myself clear last night,” he said, nuzzling her neck. “I want you to stay with me forever.”