Текст книги "Mate"
Автор книги: Ali Hazelwood
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Текущая страница: 22 (всего у книги 26 страниц)
Not mine at all.
My exultance at once again being able to shift turns into dread. “Koen.” My throat seizes up. “It’s over.”
He doesn’t tell me that he knows. Doesn’t agree that it sucks. He just stares at me with a small, content smile at the edges of his eyes. Like I’ve given him everything he could ever want, and he’s not planning to ask for more. Like he’s too happy about what we had to be sad about what we’ll soon lose.
Since I cannot bear it, I do what I know best: I lie. To myself. To him. Without even speaking.
He makes it easy for me. Goes along with it as I roll us around. Helps me keep my balance as I kneel atop his hips.
I ignore the strain in my inner thighs and stroke myself against his fully hard cock. My palms trace his chest. Shoulders. The V of his torso. Rib cage. I want to touch him everywhere, and I do. Until his hips buck upward of their own volition.
“Serena,” he murmurs.
It’s an apology, I think. His hands find my ass, my waist, my hip bones, but they don’t grip or cage. Instead he takes deep, calming breaths and peers up at me, waiting for guidance. It’s up to me. I’m painting a picture, and he doesn’t want to mess with my vision.
Whether it’s the position or the end of my Heat, taking him inside me is difficult again. Koen does nothing to help and stares, swallowing encouraging noises, fascinated by the way I have to stop and restart in increments. He’s too thick. Then there’s a sudden, wet give within me, and he’s not. His nostrils flare, and his fingers twitch in the sheets. It’s not until I have him right at the hilt, our hips flush, that I get rewarded with a pass of his thumb on my clit.
The stretch fills me to the edge and beyond, but this time neither of us cares about comfort. The urgency is still there, simmering between us, in a different form. The goal is no longer having an orgasm. We want to . . . I’m not sure. Make a memory, perhaps. So we go slowly. We make it last, hips angling, slow rise and slow fall, empty, then full. Our eyes keep wandering down, to the place where he’s stuffed inside me.
Sweaty, tacky skin.
Desperate grasping.
Pleading, drugging kisses.
In a way, it’s our first time. In all ways, it’s the last.
“Koen,” I exhale. I want to explain to him that he’s rebuilding me from the inside out, molding me into a more solid, resilient shape. But I can’t. Not when he looks up with a stupefied expression, like the existence of me, of what we’re doing, is something he hadn’t taken into consideration. Like I make the world a different place.
“Koen,” I repeat, coming, clutching wetly around his length.
Still twitching with pleasure, I lean over. We kiss, long, leisurely, incriminating. Messy and deep.
“Koen,” I say again.
He remains silent. No words– just the rasp of his breathing, his parted lips, and everything left unsaid trapped behind them. But it’s good, the quiet. It gives me a chance to say the one thing I’ve been holding back. To lean over and whisper in his ear, “I love you. And I’m never going to stop, no matter what.”
I come again, and he comes, too, knot swelling, the pleasure sharper than a knife, slicing right through us. Irreparable damage that doesn’t hurt enough. Koen’s grip notches against me, leaving marks the size of his fingers in my flesh. He is a sting of wordless noises and unseeing eyes, wide with something I cannot comprehend.
He never says that he loves me, but it’s written all over my skin.
CHAPTER 35
His duties, the one to his pack and the one to his mate, should be tearing him in two. And yet he has never felt more intact than he does right now.
THE FIRST THING AMANDA TELLS ME IN THE LATE AFTERNOON, when I emerge from Koen’s empty cabin, is a firm “Don’t.”
“Hello to you, too.” I bend down to pet Twinkles, laughing at the enthusiastic wag of his tail. “Don’t . . . ?”
“Dwell on the intrusive thought that everyone knows the nasty shit you and Koen have been doing to each other for the past few days.”
I stop dead. “I wasn’t going to.” Until now.
“Good. Keep it that way. Koen’s inner circle is very happy that Mommy and Daddy got it on.”
I have so many questions about that, I decide to ask none. I take a resigned seat on the porch, enjoying the way Twinkles curls up against me, the breeze caressing my skin.
I want more of this. I want to explore the cliffs and the shores as a wolf. I want to go for a run. My cells itch for it.
“Are you . . .” Amanda eyes me, circumspect. “All intact? I know Heats can be, um, tempestuous situations. He didn’t . . . ?”
“Mommy did not hurt Daddy. Or vice versa,” I say dryly. “What about you? How was it, being substitute Alpha?”
She groans. “Not much happened. The worst of it was a dispute between a twelve-year-old who kept kicking his soccer ball in his neighbors’ yard, and the elderly curmudgeon who decided to burn it. The parents intervened, then the entire village, and it got blown way out of proportion.”
“Exciting. Who did you side with?”
“That’s the thing of being Alpha– you don’t side. You mediate. You fix. You have the authority to make people stop doing stupid shit, but it takes a while to cement that. Koen? He snaps his fingers, calls everyone a cumbucket, and everything runs smoothly. Me? Pack members push back. They whine. They need to be cajoled, and I’m not cut out for it. Jorma can take over, if he wants.”
“Fascinating.” At the very least, this explains Koen’s utter bewilderment when things dare to not go his way. “Anything else? Are Nele and the Humans okay?”
“They are. Nele said she’d love to talk soon.”
“Cool. Maybe I could– ” A sharp thwack interrupts me. I tense. Track Twinkles with my eyes as he runs behind the cabin to investigate.
“Oh, it’s just Koen. He went for a run and now he’s chopping wood.”
My heart flickers. “Thought he was gone.” I rise to my feet, flushing at how unceremoniously I’m ditching Amanda. “Is it okay if I . . . go say hi to him?” Her smirk is so knowing, I stop feeling bad for her.
Koen’s right there, by the shop, and it all mushes together for me– the strain on his thick muscles as he swings the ax; the scent of pines; the sheen of sweat on his shirtless chest, trickling into the waistband of his jeans. He’s breathing hard but doesn’t stop to take a break.
I observe him for a while, wondering whether it’s normal, feeling– feeling so much about a single person. Surely, it’s unfair. Surely, a love this deep should be reserved for the universe as a whole. But what if, to me, he’s the linchpin? What if he’s the stitch that keeps it all together?
Is this what finding a mate feels like? Is it possible that—
“Everything okay?” he asks without looking my way.
My heart trips all over itself. “Yeah.” Deep breath. Good. “So, you do chop wood.”
He turns, mouth twitching. “Occasionally. This is for the Humans.” He shifts his grip on the ax, lodges it in the splitting block in a single smooth movement, and stands there, arms at his sides.
What would he do if I went to hug him? I picture his hand, coming up to cradle my head. His heartbeat under my cheek. The enveloping quality of being in his presence. It’s all so vivid.
But I can’t. There were conditions. We signed off on them.
The breeze breathes through the trees. A too-long silence ticks by. I briefly avert my eyes, and he does the same. There’s a tic in his jaw, and I’m wringing my hands.
“If– ” I start, just as he says, “You– ”
We stop. His lips curl into a smile. Mine don’t. This territory, it’s uncharted.
“You first,” he says.
“Right. Thanks.” I don’t know why my throat feels like it’s seizing up. “The business with the Vampyres . . . is it over?”
“Owen cleaned up the council,” he says evenly. “There no longer is a bounty on you and Ana.”
“Good. Yeah, I . . . Good. In that case . . .” Why am I having to remind myself that this is precisely what I wanted? “I no longer have my phone, because of the . . . Can I borrow yours? I need to get in touch with Nele and . . . and Misery. We need to figure out . . . well.” My turn to smile. Koen’s mouth tightens. “Everything.”
He nods, like yes, of course, he’s going to hand me his phone. But says, “C’mere, killer.”
I hang back, unsure.
“Serena. Come.”
This time I go. Stop a foot away from him. Pretend his scent doesn’t feel like home, like a blanket, like he’s holding me already, and that my heart doesn’t drop into my stomach as he says, “I’m going to step down.”
I ask, “From what?” But I already know, so I don’t give him time to answer. “Why?” Regrettably, I already know that, too. That only leaves me with “You can’t.”
“See, that’s the thing about being Alpha. I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
“Are you– Please tell me you are joking.”
“While I’m widely known for my prankster personality and comedic timing, no. I’m not joking. Not about this.”
“You . . . We talked about this.” I sound shrill. “The pack is too important to you. And you are necessary to the pack.”
“Things have changed.”
“Things– nothing has changed. You love the Northwest more than anything.”
“Not more than anything, Serena.”
His words are like a rock in my gut, sinking further by the second. I’m surprised I’m still upright. “You can’t,” I whisper. “You don’t have a successor picked out.”
“I’ll wait until the situation with Irene is resolved,” he says, like he has a plan. “Then one of my seconds will take over.”
“Who?”
“Amanda is the most– ”
“Amanda doesn’t want to be Alpha. And she’s not established like you– people would challenge her.”
“She can win any challenge.”
“All of them? Are you sure? Because it would only take one loss, and she’d be dead. And even if she does win, what about Saul? They’re off now, but who knows when they’ll be on again?”
His lips flatten. “Whoever takes over, it wouldn’t have to be permanent. And we will stick around. I can act as an advisor for a while.”
“We?” I sound frantic. “We’re not– Don’t say ‘we.’ ”
“It doesn’t have to be Amanda. There are several dominant Weres in the pack. Most are young, but they could take over in a couple of years, and I would trust them to– ”
“Koen, no. You actually like being Alpha. You live to order people around.”
He holds back a smile. “Guess from now on, you’re going to have to be people.”
“No. You’ll step down, and then what? Run away with me? Be my deadbeat boyfriend? We’re gonna live in the woods, argue over what to have for dinner, and– ” I close my eyes and press the back of my hand to my lips. I’m in physical pain. Because . . .
“Sounds that good, huh?” he asks knowingly.
And yes. Yes, it fucking does. But.
We need him, Layla said. Amanda. Brenna. Dozens, countless people. Even Irene.
My eyes lock with his, willing him to understand. “You are the heart of this pack, Koen.”
He nods. Even as he says, “And you are mine, Serena.”
This is unthinkable. “If you leave for me, and anything happens to the Northwest . . . I’m going to hate myself for the rest of my life. Your life. Our life.”
That besotted half smile, again. “That was a ‘we.’ ”
“It wasn’t.” I steady myself. “Just a few days ago you listed several reasons why you had to choose the pack over me. What changed?”
He roams the inside of his mouth with his tongue. Waits out the end of a particularly strong gust of breeze. “You told me that you loved me, Serena,” he says simply. His eyes are earnest, liquid. So profoundly good. “And while I’m willing to resign myself to an existence without the person I love, I refuse to condemn you to it.”
I square my shoulders. Don’t cry. Don’t you fucking dare cry. “It was very good sex, and I– I made it up, Koen. In the heat of the moment.”
His eyes are compassionate. “I read your letter.”
“My . . . ?”
“The one on your desk. With my name on it. It changes everything, Serena.”
The letter I wrote for him to read after I died. I shut my eyes tight, trying to block the memories of what’s in it.
I feel close to you. So much so, sometimes I wonder if fate really does exist.
When you’re around, the universe feels more bearable.
This mate business– does it feel like I have you in my palm? Like we’re tethered to each other? Like I changed you at the nuclear level? Asking for a friend.
No. None of this matters. I know Koen: if he were to step down, over time he would grow to hate himself. And me. “Do you have clear memories,” I ask calmly, “of my Heat?”
His eyebrow lifts. “They’ll be what I last see before I die.”
“Good. Then you will remember that I asked you to bite me. Several times.”
His throat works.
“And you didn’t. I begged you, and you didn’t.”
“Ask me now, and I’ll do it. I’ll do it right here– ”
“Why didn’t you then?”
There is a tic in his jaw. “Because you weren’t in the position to make the choice.”
“You’re right. I wasn’t. Would you say that I am in the position now?” His shoulders tense. He knows where I’m going with this. “I’m lucid. Clearheaded. I’m making a choice, which is to let you know that if you step down, it will be for nothing. I will not stay with you.” My chin trembles. I power through. “So don’t bother– ”
“Serena.”
“– doing that, because it’s not going to– ”
“Serena.”
He steps toward me, and I swallow back my tears. His hand travels to my cheek but drops to his side before making contact. As though he’s no longer sure he has the right to touch me.
I did this, I think, nauseous. I did this to him.
“I don’t know,” he says, soft, barely audible. He stops. Restarts. A lock of hair falls on his forehead, dark against tanned skin. “I don’t think I can go on without you. Above all, I don’t think I can go on knowing that you need me, and I’m not by your side.”
“I’ll be fine,” I lie.
“I wish . . .” His mouth has to work to shape more words. “I wish I could believe you, but– ”
“Hey!” Amanda’s voice pierces through the narrow space between us. I shift my attention to her, even as Koen’s eyes stay on me.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
“The Human girl, Nele? She just asked to meet in person with Serena. But I think it might be better if you came, too, Alpha.”
He finally turns away from me. “Why?”
“She mentioned something about Irene. And her . . . plans.”
ON THE PLUSH, CLOUDLIKE COUCH, I WRAP MY ARM AROUND Nele’s shoulders and let her lean into me, squeezing her tighter whenever her heartbeat grows more erratic. Koen sits across from us, an obvious attempt at giving her space. When it doesn’t ease her anxiety, he says, “None of what has happened, or will happen, is your fault. No matter what you say, we’re not going to hurt you.” It’s his reassuring tone, the one that works wonders on Weres, but I’m not sure Nele buys it.
“What about . . . What about my grandfather?” she asks feebly.
“You said he was in prison,” I point out, curling her hair behind her ear.
“Yes. But Irene s– said that you would f– find him and k– kill him, and that . . .”
“Nele, I have no authority in Human territory.” Koen’s voice is firm but kind.
“She said that it doesn’t matter. That you would . . .”
“I’m sure she did. Here’s why it makes no sense: Who do you think turned your grandfather over to the Human authorities twenty years ago?”
“I don’t . . . You?”
“Correct. We did not kill Humans unless they were active participants in the attacks on the Northwest, or standing between us and Constantine. More importantly, we discovered soon enough that there were no birth records for Humans who were born within the cult. You understand what that means?” Nele is silent, so he continues, “We could have done whatever we pleased with them. If we had wanted to kill them, they’d be long dead.”
Nele’s eyes widen, and she starts shaking uncontrollably. I shoot my best thank you for that tactful explanation glare at Koen, whose response is an unironic You’re welcome nod.
“What Koen’s trying to say is that he believes that your family has been punished enough, and holds no resentment toward them.” Koen appears to have minor quibbles with my translation but wisely keeps them to himself. “Is everything okay?” I clutch her hand tighter.
Is this what Fiona felt like among the Favored? Constantly scared? If someone had been kind to her early enough, would she still have made the leap from victim to accomplice? By the time I was born, was she already both? Did I tip her over?
“In the last few months . . . Since we found out about you in the interview, really, we’ve been . . . It’s been different.” She casts a quick, skittish glance at Koen. It shimmers with unshed tears. “Things became more . . . And then they sent Job to get you.”
“Job?”
“The boy by Silas’s house,” Koen explains.
“Oh.” My heart squeezes. “Were you two . . . ?”
“He was my friend. And they told him that if he couldn’t bring you back, he shouldn’t bother returning at all.” For the first time, the hurt in her voice is tinged with anger. “So he didn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Nele.”
She nods. Casts a lost glance around the room, taking in the impersonal but welcoming decor. “It’s not like they said it would be. Here, with the Weres. I thought you’d hurt us and treat us like we’re unworthy, but we’ve been able to come and go as we please. It’s not dangerous for Humans. The Weres are . . . You have been kind.”
It’s so depressing, Amanda told us in the car. Every time I bring them clothes and food and books and tell them that they don’t need to ask for permission to walk around nature, they look at me like I must be drinking mercury. Can you believe it?
A cult lying to its members to control them, Koen mumbled, driving with his elbow hanging out of the window. Unheard of.
Honestly, fuck Irene and Constantine and the Favored. Fuck them all. “The Northwest is kind,” I say, “but what they are doing is the bare minimum. You deserve respect, and more. You should have had it your whole life.”
I can see the cogs in her head turning as she tries to grasp the concept of basic decency. “I know . . . I know we’re Humans. But would it be possible . . . Could we maybe stay here for a while? I think that if we did, the others would see it, too, that maybe there can be a life for us, even outside of the Favored.”
“You can stay for as long as you like,” Koen replies before I can turn to him.
“Thank you.” Her smile wobbles. “Maybe you and I could be friends, E– Serena. I enjoyed the afternoon we spent together.”
“I did, too,” I say, instead of We could be friends if I stayed, but I won’t. I can’t. You’ll be fine, though. And so will Koen. And so will I.
Good liar, and all that.
“Maybe I could help you,” she adds, tentative. “I could show you where some of our hideouts are. We could go together– ”
“No,” Koen and I say in unison, forcefully. We share a glance, and he continues. “How old are you?”
“Sixteen.”
“Son of a bitch.” He briefly hangs his head. Massages the bridge of his nose. “You’re way too young to be caught in this. We don’t know if they are guarding their hideouts, or whether they will treat you as a threat. You’ve been through enough. Your involvement in this bullshit ends now.”
Nele blushes, looking scandalized.
Koen cocks his head. “Did you really just offer to escort me into a life– or– death situation, only to balk at the word ‘bullshit’?”
The flush deepens. “The thing is, after what happened last week, there are . . . a little less than fifty Favored left. About half of them are Weres. And . . . my older sister, she’s currently with them.”
My stomach sinks.
Koen sighs. “Could you write me a list of the members?”
“I already have. It’s in my room.” She averts her eyes. “What will you do to them?”
“Provided that the Weres don’t resist, we’ll capture them alive and put them through a tribunal. Humans are not our concern.”
“Will you . . .”
His face softens. “We’ll do our best not to harm anyone. Humans are easy to subdue. However, if my pack is in danger, we will defend ourselves.”
Nele exhales slowly. The silence stretches until she says, “I just want it to be over, you know? A normal life, for me and my family.” She lets go of my hand and wraps her arms around herself. “I don’t know where Irene is right now. But the prophet’s birthday is in two days, and it’s our most important day of worship. Irene might call it off this year, but she never has. In fact, I think that she might . . .” At once, she smells intensely guilty.
“None of this is your fault,” Koen reminds her.
She nods. “Ever since Serena’s interview, there has been a lot of anger toward the Northwest. More than usual. Many Favored saw that as proof that they’d been right all along, and people have been thinking about the Harrowing.” She swallows. “In the past few months, they’ve been accumulating weapons. Firearms. Some bigger ones, too. And . . .”
“And?”
“And . . . they’ve been teaching us how to use them.”
