Текст книги "Lead Me Not"

Автор книги: A. Meredith Walters

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Текущая страница: 20 (всего у книги 24 страниц)

I shivered in spite of the heat.

Maxx’s shoulders stiffened, and he shoved the guy out of his way and kept walking. I was shocked by his sudden display of aggression but allowed him to pull me along.

Girls tried to get his attention with their skin. Guys tried to talk to him, pleading for a moment of his time. They all wanted him. And I could tell he loved it.

He had changed, and he was most certainly no longer my Maxx. He was that other Maxx.

He was X.

No one spared me a look. Their focus, their desire, was entirely for him.

As we made our way through the crowd, Maxx’s hand wrapped tightly around mine, my front pressed into his back, I thought I saw a familiar pair of faces. I peered into the shadows, the red light obscuring my vision.

I thought I had seen Evan and April. God, I hoped I was wrong. I pulled back from Maxx a bit, trying to get a better look.

Maxx stopped walking, turning back to see why I had stopped. I pointed toward the far wall.

“I think I saw Evan and April,” I yelled over the din. Maxx shook his head, grabbed my chin, and tilted my head back.

“Stop worrying, baby,” he said against my lips just before he kissed me hard enough to leave me rattled. Pulling away, he gave me his characteristic cocky grin and started to push through the people again.

He headed straight for the bar, not responding to anyone who attempted to speak to him. He motioned for the bartender to attend to us. The man came over, acknowledging Maxx with a nod of his head. He had a multicolored Mohawk and the customary piercings in his nose and lip.

“Eric, this is Aubrey. She’s my girl. Make sure she gets whatever she wants,” he commanded.

“Sure thing, dude,” Eric said, smiling in a way that was almost attractive. He turned his attention to me.

“What can I get you?”

“Uh, just a beer, thanks,” I said, yelling to be heard over the music. After getting my drink, I cradled it close to my chest, causing Maxx to smirk.

“I see you’ve learned your lesson,” he said, motioning to the drink I had tucked close to me.

“Fool me once,” I replied, raising my drink and saluting him with it.

He leaned in close so that his lips touched my ear. “No one will mess with you as long as you’re with me. They know better. And if they don’t, I’ll make sure they do.”

His words were hard and cold, and I had no doubt he meant them. I pulled away from him slightly, putting the bottle to my mouth and taking a drink. His mood was edgy, and it was contagious. I felt restless and disquieted.

Maxx had one arm wrapped tightly around my middle, his other hand jammed in his pocket. He watched the crowd closely. He rocked a bit to the beat, but I held myself rigid beside him.

“Why did that guy call you X?” I asked him, practically yelling in his ear. Maxx’s lazy smirk slipped a bit at my question. Even though he continued to hold me close, I felt him distancing himself.

“It’s my name,” he replied shortly.

“No, X is the person who paints those pictures. The person I was asking you about earlier,” I remarked, my accusation clear. He had been dishonest . . . again.

Maxx shrugged, still not looking at me, still moving in time with the beat. “So what? I paint some pictures on fucking buildings. What’s the big deal?” he asked, his words clipped and angry.

What was the big deal? Was he serious?

Those pictures had been my first link to him. They had drawn me in with their raw beauty. And now that I was connecting the man I loved to the mysterious figure who had painted them, I was both furious and exhilarated.

Because I had seen something in those paintings that gave me hope that deep down Maxx believed he could be something more.

But he hadn’t been truthful. When I had given him the opportunity to come clean, he had evaded and withdrawn.

We were running around in a circle, constantly repeating the same tragic mistakes over and over again.

“You lied to me!” I shouted, feeling my anger flare up at his casual dismissal.

Maxx’s arm dropped from around my waist. He twisted me so that I was pressed against his chest. He grabbed my chin and held it firmly between his fingers.

“I did not lie to you! I omitted a truth. That is not the same thing,” he reasoned, his eyes hidden beneath the bill of his cap.

I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of his statement. But I didn’t. Because I could tell he believed his words wholeheartedly. In his mind, eliminating a few key facts was not the same thing as being deceitful. I knew instantly that this was the only way he was able to justify his actions and his continued dishonesty, his omission of truths from Landon and from me.

It was how he was able to look in the mirror and not hate himself. It was how he was able to so readily put on the mask and play the part of X.

For the first time, I saw just how totally he separated himself, why he purposefully kept his lives apart.

It made me sad. It made me heartsick for him.

And God help me, it made me love him more.

I opened my mouth to say the words I had been denying him. Here in this crazy, messed-up world, I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that I accepted all of his truths, whatever they were.

Before I could utter a syllable, a girl came up and leaned into Maxx on his other side. She either didn’t realize or didn’t care that his arm was around me. She lifted her hand and ran a finger down the side of his neck. He jerked away from her touch.

“Don’t,” he warned. She was either stupid or irrationally horny, because she didn’t listen. Before I knew what was happening, she had pushed her pelvis up against Maxx’s hip and started to rock against him, pressing her breasts into his arm. I could only stand there, gaping in shock at her forwardness.

“I know you’ve got it. I’ll give you whatever you want,” she shouted over the music. Was this chick for real? And was this how my boyfriend, the man I had been about to confess my feelings to, conducted his “business”?

Maxx shrugged her off, and she stumbled a bit before looking at me. She grimaced and had the decency to look embarrassed by her behavior.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were here with someone. I just thought . . . ,” she began, and Maxx glared at her, shutting her up.

“You thought wrong. Now get out of here!” he told her firmly. The girl suddenly looked meek, and I sort of felt sorry for her. She was pretty, wearing clothes that weren’t cheap, and I found myself wondering what brought her here, and why she wanted what she thought only Maxx could give her. All of these people were the same. They were running from something. Including Maxx.

Including me.

The girl scampered off, and I looked up at Maxx, whose eyes were now trained on the people around him. Had my boyfriend traded drugs for sexual favors? I thought I was going to be sick. What would have happened if I hadn’t been there? Would he have gone off with her? Would he have given her drugs if she spread her legs for him?

I tried to pull away from Maxx, revolted by the thought. How quickly my feelings had changed. Only moments before I had been full of an all-consuming love for this man. Now I wanted to get away from him as fast as I could.

He squeezed me tightly against him, not letting me move. “It’s not what it looked like, Aubrey,” he said, tucking his head down into the crook of my neck.

I struggled against him, knowing he’d use his hands to subdue me, to make me compliant. Damn him, not this time!

Maxx took my shoulders in his hands and pulled me to face him again.

“I don’t do that shit. Not anymore. And definitely not since you,” he swore, his eyes pleading.

“But you used to. You gave girls drugs if they what? Sucked you off? Had sex with you?” I accused, curling my lip up in disgust.

Maxx shook his head. “Don’t judge me for the person I was before you came into my life! I did ugly things that I hate myself for! I would never do that again. I would never do that to you.” His thumbs brushed the length of my jaw, his fingers curling into my hair as he held me firm.

“I love you, Aubrey! I will never touch another woman. I will never look at another woman. There will never be anyone in my life but you. I won’t cheat. I won’t play you false. You are it for me. Forever,” he swore, looking down into my face.

I gulped, my mouth dry.

“But you’re still selling and doing drugs, Maxx. How can you say you love me when you try to hide it from me? I’m not stupid. I know how often you take those pills. I know why you disappear and won’t answer your phone. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen what you do. How can you say you love me when you won’t give that up? You won’t give this up?” I demanded, trying not to wince as Maxx’s fingers dug into my skin.

His eyes flashed at my accusations. He didn’t deny anything. He stood there, the press of bodies all around us, not moving as he stared into my eyes. I saw a conflict on his face. I saw the two sides of him fighting for dominance. And I knew without a doubt that this lost and deeply troubled man loved me. But did he love me enough?

He dropped his hands and looked away from me. My heart broke. It shattered. It fell into a million tiny pieces at my feet. I had my answer.

“I’m not doing this here, Aubrey!” he hissed.

“Well, it’s not like we’ll do it any other time,” I bit back.

“You wonder why I don’t talk to you about everything going on in my life? You ask me why I keep things from you?” He whirled around to face me again, and I saw that he was angry. This was a man so deep in his denial that he couldn’t see the destruction all around him. He couldn’t see that this world was stealing his soul.

“Because you stand there on your fucking soapbox without a goddamned clue as to what it’s like to be me. It’s so easy to judge, isn’t it, Aubrey,” he spit out hatefully.

“I’m not judging you!” I argued, but he didn’t hear me.

Maxx grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me back up against the bar. “I’ve got shit to do. You need to stay here. Don’t move!” he commanded, his eyes making it clear that he expected me to listen.

I had never seen him so angry, not toward me, anyway. I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything.

Without another look in my direction, Maxx disappeared into the crowd. Eric the bartender was at my elbow the moment I was alone.

“Can I get you another drink?” he asked me. I looked down at my empty bottle and nodded.

So I drank another beer. Then another. Then another. And then I thought, to hell with Maxx and his demands. I pushed myself off the bar and headed straight for the dance floor.

I was mildly drunk and feeling a nice numbness. The dull pain in my chest from Maxx’s earlier behavior had faded a bit, and all I wanted to do was dance and forget.

I found myself a pocket between dancers to station myself. The music was fast, and I started to bob around on my feet. I rocked my head back and forth, my short skirt riding up my thighs. I was probably in danger of showing the world my ass, but I didn’t particularly care.

My feet were starting to ache from the heels, so I kicked them off, my bare feet making contact with the filthy floor. I didn’t think about what I could be standing in. Here, I didn’t care. I felt myself let go, just like the last time I was here. And it was liberating.

The pleasurable release lasted for a few more songs. I danced with complete strangers, not pulling away when they touched me. I belonged in this amazing communal experience. Someone handed me a flickering glow stick, and I stuck it into the bodice of my dress as I continued to dance.

I was slick with sweat, my bare feet dirty and aching, my head fuzzy from the alcohol, and I was feeling pretty damned great.

Until I opened my eyes while I danced and saw Maxx, my boyfriend, up against the far wall, two girls standing in front of him with their boobs out on full display.

I didn’t know what they were saying. I could tell by Maxx’s body language that he wasn’t looking in the direction they hoped he would. Their blatant efforts at trashy seduction would have been bad enough. But it was the sight of the money leaving their hands and tucking into Maxx’s outstretched palm that gave me pause.

He pulled a baggie out of his pocket and tossed it toward one of the girls. She opened it up and poked her finger inside, pulling out what I only imagined was a pill of some sort. She handed one to her friend before slipping another under her tongue. Then she gave one to Maxx. He held it in his palm, not moving. Slowly, his head came up, and I saw him scouring the crowd. He was searching. Looking.

For me.

I ducked behind the people dancing closest to me, not wanting to be spotted.

After a heartbeat, Maxx lifted his hand and dropped the drug into his mouth.

I couldn’t help but stare as he pulled out another baggie and shook several more pills into his waiting hand. They followed the first onto his tongue. Without another look at the boob twins, he turned away and walked back through the club.

X was in his domain.

This wasn’t the first time I had seen him do this. So why was it hitting me like a ton of bricks this time?

It was because now I loved him. And that made the reality of what he was doing even harder to swallow.

But wasn’t it being the worst kind of hypocrite to get into a relationship with him, knowing exactly who and what he was, and now to be disgusted by it? How could I expect him to change in such a short period of time? It wasn’t fair to him. It wasn’t fair to me. It wasn’t fair to the relationship that we had only just started to build.

Yet as I stared after him, the sight of him selling pills to those girls who grabbed at them greedily, willing to do just about anything for them, I couldn’t see anything but the memory I had never wanted to think about again.

* * *

I had exactly thirty minutes to get home and changed before meeting a few friends at the diner downtown. I had a paper to write that night and was already outlining it in my head.

I had stopped to talk to a few people in my English class, waiting for the mad rush out of the parking lot to die down before I headed to my car.

Finally it was clear, and I walked out of the school by way of the side entrance that led past the football field. It was a bright, sunny day, so I slid my sunglasses down over my eyes.

I hurried underneath the bleachers, which served as a shortcut to the parking lot.

I heard a coughing, then a laugh I recognized all too well.

I veered back the way I came, curving around until I was approaching a pocket of bleachers tucked into the side of the building. It was dark back there, and it was a place the stoner kids liked to congregate between classes. You could smoke a joint or snort a line without getting busted. You would think the teachers would have gotten wind of the druggie hidey-hole by now, but it remained a safe place to engage in all kinds of nefarious behavior.

“I want another,” I heard my baby sister demand, followed by the throaty chuckle of a guy who was clearly very pleased with himself.

“You know what I want first, Jay.”

I peeked my head around a steel beam to see a small group of kids seated on the ground beneath the bleachers. A few were smoking cigarettes. One guy had a pipe and a lighter. A girl looked passed-out beside him, her head in his lap.

But that’s not what caught my attention. Blake, my sister’s loser boyfriend, dangled a baggie in front of Jayme. She laughed and tried to grab it from him. He pulled it just out of reach, making it a game.

For a second they looked like any other couple goofing around. How I wished that was all they were. But watching them, I knew a lot more was going on.

“I’m not doing that here. In front of everybody,” Jayme said, casting a nervous look at her friends.

She was such a pretty girl, finally growing into her body. Her acne had begun to clear up, and she had lost a lot of the baby fat that had clung to her frame until recently, much to the detriment of her self-esteem.

“I don’t care, Jay-Jay. You know what you have to do if you want any more. You’re a greedy girl,” Blake taunted, and there was something in his tone that made my skin crawl. I hated that guy. I hated how he treated Jayme. I hated how she defended him even when it was obvious what a jerk he was. Most of all, I hated that he was introducing my naïve sister to a world she should never have to know, one that I didn’t know at the time would ultimately kill her.

Blake unbuckled his belt and pointed at his crotch. “No one sucks my dick like you do, baby,” he crooned, as if that should be a compliment. No way would Jayme fall for that sleazy line of bullshit. I could tell she was uncomfortable.

So it was with complete and total shock that I saw her drop to her knees in front of him, her dress filthy from the dirt she took no notice of. She tilted her head up and opened her mouth. Blake laughed, knowing he was getting his way. He opened the bag and dropped two pills onto Jayme’s tongue.

Then her hands were on his zipper, pulling it down, and Blake’s hand went around to the back of her head, pushing her forward.

I looked away then, feeling sick. I stumbled away from the scene without intervening. I hadn’t done a thing to stop my sister’s degradation. I had walked away, wanting to forget I had seen anything at all.

And I never spoke to Jayme about it. I never offered any sisterly advice, explaining that no guy would ever respect her if she didn’t have any respect for herself. I should have said those things to her.

But I never thought to until it was too late to say anything at all.

I left the disturbing scene behind me and hurried home, taking a shower and going out with my friends, trying to pretend I hadn’t seen my sister barter a blow job for drugs from her shithead boyfriend.

And I spent years trying to forget that I had done nothing when it had mattered most.

* * *

Looking at Maxx, I could only see Jayme and Blake and the sick, twisted joy on both of their faces as they got exactly what they wanted in the worst way possible.

I felt a flash of hatred so strong it took my breath away. It was at war with the love I felt just as strongly for the fucked-up man making a living by selling the shit that had killed my sister.

How could I love someone like that? How could I have become so enamored that I overlooked the fact that he stood for everything I should run far, far away from?

It was too much.

I couldn’t handle it.

I pulled my phone out and called a cab.

Without a word to Maxx, I left.

I didn’t want to see him. He terrified and disgusted me in equal measure.

Yet I loved him deeply all the same. And the love won out. My heart betrayed me again.

I told the cabdriver to take me back to Maxx’s apartment.

I was such an idiot.

Feelings sucked.

chapter
twenty-seven

maxx

aubrey had left. One minute I was high as a kite, the next I was freaking the fuck out. I started looking for her in the crowd but couldn’t find her. I searched for her red dress and blond hair. She should have been easy to spot. She was the most beautiful thing in the room.

I soon became frantic.

Because she was gone.

“Where’s Aubrey?” I barked at Eric, grabbing his arm from across the bar.

Eric startled and tried to pull away from me. “Who?” he asked, his eyes darting around nervously. The buzzing in my head kicked into overdrive. The drugs hummed in my bloodstream, making me want to rage and tear shit apart.

I squeezed Eric’s arm hard enough to crunch bone. “My fucking girl! Where is she?” I demanded, my vision becoming tinted with red the angrier I became.

“I don’t know, man. I haven’t seen her in a while. I swear!” Eric stammered. I lunged across the counter and grabbed hold of his shirt, wrenching him closer until I was within spitting distance.

“If you’re fucking lying to me, I’ll break your face,” I seethed, baring my teeth in warning.

Eric squirmed in my grasp. “I’m not, X! I swear it! I haven’t seen her!”

I released Eric’s shirt and backed away. I pulled my cap off and ran a hand through my hair. Shit. She was gone.

My drugged-out brain was going into meltdown mode. I couldn’t think about the situation rationally. I should never have gotten high when she was there and could see everything. And now she was missing, and I needed to find her before I lost my mind.

Soon I had completely lost touch with reality. I was smashing beer bottles, throwing bar stools, shoving people in my rampage.

“Aubrey!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Everyone was giving me a wide berth as I destroyed everything around me.

And then someone had me in a headlock and was pulling me through the club. I struggled against the painful grip.

Suddenly I was outside and deposited on the ground. Marco punched me square in the jaw, and I fell backward into the gravel.

“Snap out of it, Maxx! Before Gash gets wind of your little tirade!” Marco snarled, flexing the hand he had just used to lay me out.

I rubbed at my face, working my jaw to make sure nothing was broken. “I can’t find Aubrey,” I explained, not caring how pathetic it sounded.

“Is that what’s set you off?” Marco rolled his eyes and pulled out his cell phone, handing it to me. I looked at it, not registering what he was trying to say.

He threw it in my lap. “Call her, dipshit.”

I picked up the phone with trembling fingers. Why hadn’t I thought of that?

I could barely dial her number, I was shaking so badly. When I finally put the phone to my ear and listened to it ring, I wasn’t sure I could handle the wait for her to answer. What if she had left me for good? What the hell was I going to do if she was finally done with me? I wouldn’t be able to survive her leaving me.

“Hello?” Her voice sent a flood of relief through my body.

“Aubrey!” I let out in a rush.

“Maxx,” she said. She sounded strange. Not upset . . . but different. But I wasn’t interested in that right now. All I wanted to know was why she had left me.

“Where are you?” I asked, my heart in my throat as I tried to control my panic.

She sighed in my ear. “At your apartment.”

“Why are you there?”

“I felt sick. I didn’t want to ruin your night.” There was that tone again. The one I should probably spend more time paying attention to.

“I’m coming home. I’ll take care of you,” I promised her.

“Okay,” Aubrey said softly. We hung up after that, and I gave Marco his phone back. I got to my feet, a smile on my face. Marco arched an eyebrow at me and snorted.

“All better now?” he mocked. I punched him in the shoulder just hard enough for it to hurt. Call it a little payback.

“Oh yeah,” I said, already going back into the club.

I told Aubrey I would come home. But I didn’t go home. Not right away. I had a pocketful of pills I still had to sell, which Marco was sure to remind me of.

So I continued to sling the pills and made my money, selling them at double the price. Club kids were fucking stupid. They had too much of Mommy and Daddy’s money and not enough brain cells. But it worked out well for me.

Many of my customers shared the joy, and I was able to get a nice, good high without dipping into the supply. Now that I knew Aubrey was safe, I could enjoy the rest of my night.

After a while, I completely forgot that I had told her I was on my way home.

Until I got there and found her waiting up for me. I was fucked-up and tired. I just wanted to sleep.

She was angry with me, I could tell. But the state I was in, I didn’t care. She tried to talk to me, but I walked by her and went straight to my bedroom, where I promptly passed out.

* * *

I woke up ten hours later, my body aching and sore and already in the throes of some heavy withdrawal, and Aubrey wasn’t beside me. She was gone again, though this time she had left a note. I picked up a piece of paper from the pillow beside me and squinted in the late-afternoon light that filtered through my window. I scanned the contents, trying to make sense of it.

Aubrey had gone back to her place. She wasn’t coming back tonight. She’d see me during the week.

Shit. I had really messed up.

I knew she was upset with me. And in the harsh light of sobriety, my body trembling, my stomach ready to heave, I just couldn’t handle it. I needed her. I needed my girl, who made it all better.

Without a thought about what I was doing, I picked up the phone and called her. She answered right before it went to voice mail, as though she had been debating whether or not to pick up.

“Please come back,” I cried, my voice breaking on a sob. I didn’t allow her to say anything. I just cried into the phone, pleading with her to come back to me. I needed her so fucking badly. I ached. I hurt. I wanted more pills. But for the first time I was pretty sure that I wanted her more.

“I can’t, Maxx,” she said regretfully.

I wouldn’t accept that. “Aubrey, please! I want to hold you. I just need to be with you right now. I’ll come there if I have to,” I said desperately. I would do whatever she wanted so long as I could touch her. Just touch her. I craved it.

Aubrey sighed, and I knew I had her. “I’ll be there in a few minutes,” she finally said, giving me exactly what I needed.

She arrived at my apartment fifteen minutes later, looking like the answer to all of my prayers, if I was a praying sort of guy. I pulled her to the couch and buried myself in her. And she gave herself to me just as she always did.

I was in too much emotional chaos to feel that there was a distance that hadn’t been there before, that she was pulling away from me.

I was too thankful to have her naked body beneath me, her mouth on mine. I ignored everything else.

It wasn’t until after we were finished, and she was making her excuses to leave, that I realized what was missing.

Her.

I had had her body for a time, but I didn’t have her heart. And that made me wild.

Later that evening, after I had taken a few pills to even myself out and was feeling more in control, I decided to confront her. Aubrey had just walked into my apartment, and I watched as she dropped her purse on the table and came over to the couch where I was sitting.

She gave me a smile that seemed disingenuous. She didn’t reach out to touch me like she normally did. She didn’t lean in to kiss me. She sat beside me, a careful distance between us. Her altered behavior distressed me.

“What’s going on with you, Aubrey? I feel like you’re purposefully holding back from me,” I said, trying not to sound as pathetic as I was feeling. I watched as a myriad of emotions flickered across her face. I grabbed her hand and lifted it to my lips, unable to hold myself back from touching her a moment longer.

She yanked her hand back, and I watched as anger settled over her features. She gave me her coldest stare. “Why should I give you everything when you give me nothing? When you’re willing to stop the crap you do, then maybe I can trust you with all of me.”

My mouth hung open in shock. Aubrey never talked to me like this. She never got angry and pissed. “What?” I asked as she got to her feet. It was then that I saw the tears in her eyes, and I was at a loss.

She leaned down and kissed my lips. “I care about you so much, Maxx,” she said, making my heart clench violently in my chest.

She never said I love you. I had given her my heart, so why couldn’t she give me hers? Why couldn’t she tell me what I needed to hear? That she loved me? I felt alone in this torment of feeling. Her silence, her refusal to say those three little words, made me insecure. It made me doubt her.

It made me doubt us.

“Don’t leave me,” I begged. “I love you!” I was fighting dirty. I knew I was using those words as my weapon. But I didn’t care. I’d use anything I could to make her stay. I needed her, now more than ever.

I started to cry. Ugly tears slid down my cheeks, and I watched as Aubrey’s face softened. Maybe the tears would do it. Maybe they would make her stay. She wiped the wetness from my face, then turned her back on me. I sobbed more loudly as she picked up her purse from the table and opened the door.

She didn’t turn to look at me. She refused to look at the tears, which were entirely her fault. “Get yourself together. Please.” And then she left.

She abandoned me to my misery.

* * *

I couldn’t sleep. I had taken a few pills earlier and knew it was only a matter of time until they wore off.

I had tried calling Aubrey a dozen times since she had left me earlier in the evening, and she never picked up.

I was becoming desperate.

I was losing it.

I was losing her.

I was in a bad place. I couldn’t see my way through.

Not able to toss and turn any longer, I threw on some clothes, laced up my boots, and grabbed my art supplies, throwing them in a large canvas sack.

I got in my car and started driving.

Given where my head was at, was it any surprise that I found myself outside Aubrey’s apartment building at three o’clock in the morning?

Her street was empty. The air was cold and quiet. My breath puffed out from my mouth like fog.

The drugs should have made me mellow and relaxed. But things with Aubrey were making me anxious and restless.

I needed to get it out somehow.

I positioned the pots of paint on the sidewalk and grabbed my biggest brush. I popped open the top of the blue paint with a flat-head screwdriver and dipped my brush. Paint coated my freezing fingers as I swept the bristles in long, even strokes along the pavement.

I was frenzied while I worked. Focused. Manic.

I don’t know how long I was out there. I didn’t care that I could be discovered.

I just needed to paint.

I needed her to know what I was feeling.

How much I loved her.

How much she was breaking me.

When I was through, I dropped the brush and stood back, looking down.

Why couldn’t I for once paint something that wasn’t fucked-up?

I sagged to my knees in front of the portrait of my despair.

I had painted the broken shards of my face. My mouth was open and screaming. It was obvious it was me in the shattered glass.

And then there was Aubrey, with her long blond hair, sweeping me into a heap of dust, gathering my pieces as she prepared to dump them in the trash.

This was Maxx.

And this was X.

This was both of us, bled out on the sidewalk for Aubrey to see.

Maybe she would finally know how much I wanted to give her all of me. Even as I fought it, the desire was still there. I didn’t want her to throw me away. I needed her to not give up on me.